and this from people who LIKE me

sometimes when i blog i feel so strongly about what i want to say that it practically writes itself. i sit down at my computer with only a vague idea and a phrase or two. and other times, much like this post, i struggle offline to work out my thoughts.

so here i sit with pen and pad in hand trying desperatly to work out the thoughts in my head.

the great mysteries of miche why doesn't she date? why isn't she involved with anyone? i have no explanation for the why's i can only tell you what i know. i am neither dating or involved simply because no one is asking, no one is interested.

i spend the balance of my time in the gym, training clients or working out. since a healthy lifestyle is important to me you would figure i'd have an easier time of finding someone who shares my enthusiasm for physical fitness. that is so far not my reality.

but i am lucky, i have people in my life who say the sweetest things to me, to make me feel so special.

"if everybody is able to find someone and you can't then it's obvious that there is something wrong with you. i'm not saying this to be mean. i'm your mother and i only want you to be happy." ouch!

"don't you think if you changed a few things; like if you changed your hair, wore a bit of make up, changed your style of dress, acted a bit more girly and stopped being so shy, then maybe you'd meet someone?" i am still waiting to find out if i can keep my name or if i should change that too.

"could it may be something that you are putting out into the universe? i mean think about it. there has to be something that you are doing that is attracting those types of men to you?" apparently i have some sort of 'bat signal' that can only be heard by dudes in committed relationships who like to have a chick on the side.

and then there is my personal favourite:

"if i was a dude... i'd ask you out." umm... thanks???

anyway the constant theme as far as i can tell is that there is something wrong with me. that somehow as i am, i'm not quite good enough. you couple that with the reinforcments by some of my less than stellar relationship experiences and it's really no wonder that i am the way i am.

i spent a couple of hours yesterday telling a friend the details of my pathethic dating life. as i drove home later that evening, with history replaying itself in my mind, i came to a bit of a revelation.

i thnk it's all tied into that which makes me the competitive beast that i am. what you talkin' 'bout willis? i wan unpopular in school my entire academic career. i was picked on for my runt-like existance; i was younger, shorter, fat, black, in braces, in glasses and with nary a secondary female characteristic to be had. even at home my parents were frustrated by my grades and wanted to know why i couldn't be more like my brother. the message clearly was, your not good enough!

when i was unable to interest guys that i was attracted to, the message was 'you not good enough'. when i found out that once again i was the 'other woman' the message was, your not good enough!

i've gravitated towards some form of competitive sport all my life and my passion for each sport has been somewhat all consuming. it occurs to me now that i am using all these athletic arenas to measure myself againg other women, to prove that yes... yes i am good enough!

i once had a coach who told me that bodybuilders were without a doubt the most fawked up individuals ever. that there generally was some underlying issue that they were trying to cover or make up for. looks like i've finally found mine.