timing is clearly everything... and mine sucks!!!

over the past 12 years i have had some pretty unnerving gym experiences. by nature i am pretty shy, fairly reserved and i am told i have a rather unusual sense of propriety.
in the locker room there are different types of behaviour: there are women who are quite comfortable with their bodies and will drop trou without reservation. there are those who are the polar opposite and those women will dart into the bathroom stalls to change à la clark kent. truth be told i prefer the latter to the former.

i consistently seem to choose the absolute worst times to wander into the locker room. over the years i have had moments that have almost caused my dreadlocks stand on end.

there was the senior citizen who was bent over as i innocently walked into the locker room. i was greeted with almost a full moon. there was all kinds of senior citizen booty that was not contained by her lilac thong!!

there have been many a time when i turn the corner into the bathroom and am greeted by a naked woman attempting to dry herself with the wall-mounted hand dryer. i really don't have to words to describe the type of contortions required to facilitate that action. believe me when i tell you it is not a spectator sport!!

i remember one woman who wanted to talk while she was as nekkid as a jay-bird. i became very interested in the contents of my locker. i had hoped to afford her to time to put on some damn clothes. yet every time i turned around she was still in butt nekkid. after i ran out of things to 'do' in my locker i spent the rest of the time bent over tying and re-tying my shoes.

today i was greeted by the sight of a member who was bare-assed naked in the middle of the locker room. she was pouring herself into her panty-hose before tugging on her dress. unfortunately i now know that she prefers going commando when she goes out to hit the clubs. that kind of knowledge is really none of my business. and not that she asked me but she really should consider investing in spanx.

i am aware that the general consensus is that we are all women and we all have the same parts. now while that may be true i am firm in the belief that i don't gotta see your parts and you don't gotta see mine. i am not one to change in the bathroom stall but by the same token i also don't dawdle in states of undress.

i would be remiss in letting you think that my gym 'luck' extends only to the women's locker room. i have also had the misfortune of turning around on the gym floor just as some guy has decided to start mining for gold in his crotch. well it was either that or dude had fleas the size of beetles!!

there have also been other 'gentlemen' who have felt that the mirrors provide excellent opportunities to dig stalactites out of their nose or squeeze monster zits. trust me when i tell you that you do not want to know where those zits were.

there used to be a guy who liked to wear those loose fitting nylon running shorts, favoured by marathon athletes, on his leg day. he would precede his workout by performing a series of seated hamstring stretches. it soon became apparent to every one on the gym floor that the man wasn't wearing underpants. every now and then little josé would slip out of the house and say hi. i am not sure which gym employee had the pleasure of telling him that his boys weren't welcome on the gym floor... all i know is that is wasn't me. i'd have quit first!

finally i wanted to take a moment to point out that there are some definite downsides to having my blog on an open forum. it now has the attention of spammers. you will now notice that any comments that you make will not immediately be posted to the blog. they will be moderated by yours truly. i will have them posted as soon as i can. please know that as soon as you enter them i get an email from blogger to let me know they are there. i am sorry that this step is needed but there are clearly far too many people out there with far too much time on their hands. but my friends, please keep commenting. ~ thank you, miche

the results are in!!!

my last blog taked about my plan to share my first fan-fic attempt with people to gauge whether or not i had any real skill with this writing thing. it was a real shock to me how well it was received.

everyone who read it seemed to enjoy it and everyone was kind enough to respond to my request for constructive criticism. generally the comments were similar. most made note of the lack of physical descriptions of the characters. more than one person wondered about the method of drug delivery in the story so that will have to change before the final version is posted.

yes that is right posted. i will definitely put it up on the fan-fic site when i am done.

so what is next? well i have 4 story ideas in the little journal i carry. the next story developed was supposed to be a piece involving women's college basketball and made up of all my own characters. i am convinced that i need more writing confidence before i undertake such  a lofty goal. i also have an idea for yet another eve dallas fan-fic so i am going to start there.

the new story idea has already become a 2.5 page outline in my journal. this story will have the character descriptions missing from my first attempt. it will also have some of the violence that is a normal part of the series.

i was concerned with following the rules with my first attempt. the one's that said to keep it relatively short and not attempt a story too bogged down with characters. but since the first story is already under my belt those rules no longer apply. writer freedom?? i am so excited to see what i come up with.

most importantly i want to thank all of you for your kind words and your support as i continue to grow and evolve. i am not much of a beatles fan but clearly i get by with a little help from my friends.

finally i wanted to take a moment to point out that there are some definite downsides to having my blog on an open forum. it now has the attention of spammers. you will now notice that any comments that you make will not immediately be posted to the blog. they will be moderated by yours truly. i will have them posted as soon as i can. please know that as soon as you enter them i get an email from blogger to let me know they are there. i am sorry that this step is needed but there are clearly far too many people out there with far too much time on their hands. but my friends, please keep commenting. ~ thank you, miche

puttin' on my big girl pants

i suppose after the subject of my previous blog post any mention of undergarments might be a tad alarming. however i assure you that this post has nothing to do with any wardrobe malfunctions or missteps. so what the dickens am i on about now? i merely refer to my first fan-fiction attempt and the steps i have taken to 'get it out there.'

a few months back i wrote my first attempt at fan-fiction and after i shared it i was encouraged to continue the story to its logical end. to date the only one who has read the completed piece is the bloke, as he has been kind enough to edit it for me.

even though the fic is still somewhat un-edited i decided to take a chance and share it. i really want to get some feedback and constructive criticism. the bloke with his pom-poms held high assures me that folks will be impressed. however as i am a natural born pessimist i am fully prepared for folks to tell me to take up knitting!

about 3 copies went out to people who actually like me but the big girl pants refers to the requests i sent to other fic writers, strangers if you will... to see if they might be interested in taking a peek. i have yet to hear back but not everyone spends as much time online as i do.

regardless of how the fic writers respond to my first attempt i will applaud myself for taking yet another important step. a step outside of my comfort zone.

i don't want to belong to any club...

it is said that when offered a friar's club membership, groucho marx sent a letter with the following reply, "i don't want to belong to any club that will accept me as a member." the first time that i heard that quote i thought it was funny, but i never really thought about what it might mean.

well that was until last saturday.

last saturday i noticed a woman walking on the sidewalk by the gym. for reasons unknown she was wearing a bra... no shirt... just a bra... not a bra top... again, just a bra.

can you imagine my surprise when i noticed she was headed towards the front door of the gym! it was one of the members of the gym! i remember hoping that she didn't plan on training in her underwear but alas she did.

i am amazed that it never occurred to her to put on a shirt, tank top, sweater vest, etc... current bra designs make use of a sheer cup. sheer is never opaque. if it is not opaque it is see through!!

it was further amazing to me that her clothing choice was not challenged. especially since the staff member working that day was also female. if i was still working there i would have told her to put on a damn shirt or tossed her half-nekkid ass out!!

there has been such a rampant display of stupidity on the gym floor of late. and i find that i now appreciate that marx quote on a whole other level.

the beast turns

from time to time i suppose i can be a little bit of a gym bully. according to the bloke last sunday was one of those times.

when i first joined the gym there were rules and they were enforced! one of the rules regarded the 'grunting' that some lifters feel is more a part of the culture than the exercise themselves. now while i can understand why it is hard to perform a 800 lb deadlift quietly. i similarly can't understand why a grown-ass man on the leg press with 3 plates aside, has to scream as though he is being violated by the lifers in cell block 8.

when the 'trainer to the stars' first started working out of the gym, he brought in a contingent of 'competitors' who basically got the grunting thing going. not to be outdone the wannabe's and general ass hats soon leapt into the fray.

turning up the volume on my mp3 player was not enough to drown out the braying. i eventually had to purchase a headphone adapter that had a separate volume control. now i could turn my music up to eleven* (high-five to all of you who got the spinal tap reference).

sometimes even with my music at ear-bleeding volumes i could still hear the ass hats. it was a very frustrating time. due to a situation beyond his control the 'trainer to the stars' left the gym and i had hoped his posse would leave as well. that wasn't the case and the wailing continues.

sunday one of the guys i know was working out at the cable station beside me. he was performing tricep pushdowns and even though he wasn't lifting all that heavy he began to drowned out my music. at the end of my set i walked over to where he was and we exchanged greetings. i pulled out my mp3 player and i asked him to do me a favour. i asked him to make "...that sound again." i believe it was with some pride he clarified, "you mean my grunt?" and long story short i had him grunt repeatedly while i kept turning up the volume on my player. when i finally couldn't hear him anymore i said "thank you" and returned to my workout.

when i told the bloke that story last night at the gym. he confirmed that i was indeed a gym bully. he also bust a gut laughing so clearly he is no angel either.

but as far as i am concerned it was the best possible solution buddy could continue to bellow like a stuck calf and i didn't have to listen to him. i just think it was important for him to realize that his behaviour is annoying... and if he stops all the better!

gym bullies unite!!