the latest

last time i checked in with you i had just found out that my show date had been moved forward and i was reeling from the loss of two months growth.

since then i've had conversations with friends who've proposed i allow myself more healing time and either pick a later untested show or sit out the '07 season entirely.

the untested shows i'm told are fine at the lower levels as the majority of competitors are not aggressively using. my friends have all recently done shows at the 'lower levels'. now some of my friends have aspirations, they intend to go far in this game and as near as i can tell their approach has not been casual. as well some of those friends have told me that only the most blessed of nattys could competitively share the stage with those that use.

well ive listened to what all have said and i am still interested in redeeming myself at the show i did before. but i felt the final decision would be made after i discussed things with george.

friday night he and i sat down and he gave me a few more things to think about. first and foremost he predicts my next rebound will be worse than this one. i have to know that going in, to decide if i will be able to handle it emotionally. he felt he would have been remiss if he did not recommend i pick a later show or sit out '07 entirely. he asked how i felt about either option and i had to tell him that neither option appealed to me.

so then we got down to business. in order to be better prepared this time we discussed bringing me in a few percentage points leaner. he tells me my goal is 'tough to do naturally'. he also said that we know from last time that i 'stall out in the last three weeks'.

i wish he had told me that last june or even last july. it will be of no suprise to anyone who 'knows' me that i agonized over what went wrong. i knew i didn't cheat. i felt i had followed instructions to the letter. so i couldn't figure out where i had erred.

anyway the plan is to hit it hard. last time we tried to bring me in slow and steady. this time we will come in more aggressively allowing for more time for the final weeks. this time round my friends i'm going to suffer.

as cypher said to neo 'buckle your seatbelt dorothy, cuz kansas is about to go bye-bye'