BA miche

to get the title of this post you would have had to have paid attention to the a-team and you would also have to know the name of the character that Mr T played.

since i've been back working freelance computer graphics my family and friends have expected that i would be pretty excited by it all. fact is i am not. i am supposed to be relieved that my money worries will be behind me. of course i probably need to start getting paid. what i can't stop thinking about is the future. the days ahead of me where i will continue to get up and go to a job that does not excite or interest me.

basically i am still feeling sorry for myself. the thing is, i have taken the steps to right this mistake. i've started the debt consolidation process, well the paperwork has been done and approved. i am still waiting however for the funds to come through. i've completed my first two weeks of my contract, i can expect my first paycheque in another 6 weeks or so. i will get my last week of 'full-time' pay from personal training on friday. i'm hoping it will be substantially more than my car payment but i fear it might not be. which means i'm back to borrowing even more money from the bank of mom.

no one knows how long this contract position is going to last. but i go to work everyday and i do the best job i can. and when i'm away from work i really don't have anything to say about it. the work isn't difficult and for right now there is alot of it. now if someone insists on me telling them how i feel about my situation well i wish they wouldn't tell me how i am supposed to think. i wish they wouldn't tell me how i should feel.

i have noticed that i have been changing though. i remember how i used to be, back before i started skating. back then i focused on buying toys, i figured it was the only way to find some joy in my job. i adopted the 'chick who dies with the most toys wins' mentality. but then i found skating and i focused on making enough money to travel for skating. from then on i was drawn to adrenalin sports and far more interested in activities with higher risk potential.

so where am i now??? well i am thinking about taking up dirt bike riding next season and i hope to get out on my snowboard this season. of course one would wonder why i would want to do these things. i will be honest, i am really afraid that my retirement isn't temporary. and that i am going to be spending a really long time getting up everyday to sit in front of a computer. right now i think gaps, trails and halfpipes are the only things i've got going.

anyway i've got another 6 weeks of 7 day work weeks to face.

i can do this... one day at a time.