i mention the "buffy" marathon because a recently viewed episode sparked an epiphany. no i am not a slayer, vampire, witch or watcher. however, the jury is stil out on whether or not i am part demon. seriously though, someone questioned buffy's inability to sustain a relationship and it got me thinking about that 'distant' thing.
i think the distance is merely a defence mechanism connected to my trust issues. my primary mission in life being to protect myself from harm. right or wrong it is what i do, and unbeknown to me, it would appear that i do that with everyone.
so after this great insight, the question remains, what do i plan to do with this knowledge? well for now, i take comfort in an understanding of why i am the way i am. you may consider my resistance to change a cop out or a sign of weakness. but by my calculations, had i stood up in front of a room full of strangers, stated my name and my fatal flaw i would have been given a 'step 1' chip. so i figure that i am ahead of the game, (tongue firmly implanted in cheek).
moving on:
there has been a lot of sh!t going on within the ontario division of the bodybuilding governing body. for reasons unknown, there was a political coup and the CBBF has determined it will no longer recognize the OPA. in its stead we have the CBBF-ONT. both ontario federation's are fighting for membership, which has left a lot of confused athletes forced to choose sides. choosing sides would be infinitely easier if we really understood what happened in the first place.
we are uncertain who to believe, who to align ourselves with and what effect that decision might have on our bb aspirations. the sport already has enough problem's without this nonsense. my fear is that even more 'true' athletes will be lost in the shuffle.
a friend and i were discussing my disappointment with the dwindling numbers of professional fbbers who are not a part of the muscle p0rn scene. she suggested that i should lead the charge, rather than looking for the coming of an fbb messiah. that i should be that 'mass with class' bb pro.
i keep trying to tell this woman that i am no shepherd, that i am merely a sheep... and i am comfortable being part of the flock. there are people who are destined for greatness, natural leaders, the kind of people who go out of their way to institute change. i am not one of those people. athletically i have always been more of a 'workhorse' than a 'michael jordan', in whichever sport i was involved. i think i make a pretty decent amateur bber. i have an undeniable urge to compete, to see how far i can go in this sport, however, i do not for a second believe that i possess the genetic package required to make it to the pro IFBB ranks. since i have no interest in sticking needles in my azz, i would need to be pretty fawkin' genetically gifted to be able to stand onstage with the other pro's. i think it might be possible to gain pro status in one of the other bb organizations but it is my opinion that the only true organization is the IFBB.
ladies and gentlemen, i am not neo... and there is a spoon!
as promised a post-modification bike pic. my '93 ex-500 is a sexy beast!!!
p.s: i almost forgot, i think i mentioned that often my first draft is written with a pen and paper. well this was one of those post's. so there i was leaving the tim horton's, where i had been madly scrawling down my thought's during my lunch break. i was working out the whole trust issue/self-preservation thing. with my thoughts in hand, i make my way to the car,when this dude comes jogging across the parking lot to chat me up and give me his number.
it's like rain on your wedding day, a free ride when you've already paid...
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