when mother nature strikes back!

as you know, i have been aiming to spend as much time as i possibly can logging time and distance on my bike. well trying to get any quality riding time in was a decided challenge this past weekend. on the weather menu was written rain and thunderstorm activity. rain is one thing, but thunder is quite another when your hovering over a 400 lb lightening rod.

sunday morning gave me the break that i needed and i took it. i rode the bike in to the gym as i was rounding out my shift one of the members mentioned that it was raining again. well it went from kind of spitting to a downpour in seconds. unfortunately i still had a client to train. suffice it to say i was a drowned rat when i got home.

but it cleared up again soon after so i had to take the bike out again. my parents have some friends that frequently do the big park bbq throughout the summer. i rode over to that but rather than belly up to the bbq i started to get antsy. i gave speed racer a call and she was into it. so i ditched the folks at the bbq and met up with speed racer for a ride.

so there we are happily tooling down the road when we come across a flock of seagulls, (no, not the 80's band members with the crazy hair), chilling on the grass. i can only imagine that the hindle 'music' coming from my aftermarket pipe startled the birds because as we got closer, they got airborne. it was no big deal and so when we came upon some more birds a short time later i don't think either speed racer or i expected it to be any different.

as we rode up, the hindle 'symphony' was in full effect which i can only assume startled the gulls. these birds were none to pleased about being disturbed. much like the other flock of gulls they took to the air, but rather than fly up, or even away from the source of the disturbance they chose to fly straight for it. suddenly i was ducking into my windscreen to avoid gull flight patterns. i can happily say i escaped the 'attack' without injury. speed racer however, was not as lucky... guess you could say she scared the sh*t outta the gull that hit her.

yeah... literally!

aiming for clarity

today i want to talk about my opinion on the drug use in my sport. it's no secret that i do not use and it's also no secret that i'd rather not have people think i do use. i can't help but wonder if that gives people the impression that i might be more intolerant than i am? so i am going to clarify it for you... here we go.

first and foremost i am a fan of the sport of bbing. the professional bbers of the IFBB are by no means natural and yet many of them are my favourites and many have physiques that i admire.

secondly, i do not consider users to be lazy or cheaters. the simple reality is that you can take a whole azz cheek full of this and that but if you don't do your work in the gym, don't eat properly or rest adequately your never going to get anywhere.

i understand that if you want to get to a professional level in the IFBB there are choices that have to be made. i don't claim to understand use if your not trying to turn IFBB pro but to each his own... i suspect. i don't claim to know very much about drug use, but i know that what i do know scares me.

do i think that i am 'better' because i chose to be natural? no, it's merely a different means to the same end. what is interesting to me, is that i am still naive enough to be suprised when i realize who is not natural. i said this yesterday for the the first time and frankly i find it somewhat ironic but...

it's not cool to be clean

now understand this, the path i'm on in no way, shape or form means that i am any less serious about bb and my goals within the sport. it's just for me, as ice cube so eloquently puts in 'you can do it'

life ain't a track meet (no)
it's a marathon

and i'm just trying to make it to the finish line.

things that make me go... hmmmm

yesterday i went over to tim's to grab a coffee. as i crossed the busy downtown intersection i happened to notice a man trying to earn a few bucks with a squeegee. now seeing 'squeegee kids' downtown is not out of the ordinary, in fact it's quite common. but what made this sighting odd was that the man in question was wearing a two-way communication device. i can honestly say i did not realize that these people, who i had previously thought were homeless, were quite so organized. i mentioned it to a friend who told me that she often sees them with cell phones as well. okay so you don't have a home but you have a motorola razor???... hmmmmm

we had a couple freelancers in the studio yesterday helping out. one of them was sitting next to me and eventually she noticed my 48 can cooler bag sitting on the desk. "hey", she asked, "is that your lunch?" to keep it simple i answered that it was. she then noted that i must take nutrition pretty seriously and guessed that i probably bodybuild (finally somebody who didn't think i looked like a figure chick). her next question took me a bit off guard though. "so whats in there?", she asked. in my defence, i have a huge project on the go and not a whole lot of time to produce it, so mayhaps my response was a bit more succinct than necessary but it was the truth. "food"... hmmmmm

one of the other artists has been keeping me abreast of his workouts. he recently found his way back to the gym and was telling me how he had hit the treadmill 4 times this week. he then mentioned something about 'getting back into lifting', when one of the other women responded with shock "you lift???!!!". i almost fell off my chair. the guy in question was hurt, he kept assuring her that he did indeed lift. one minute he was over by her desk lifting his shirt sleeves to show her his arms. then he was over at my desk to show me a tricep that still maintained a hint of what was.

english isn't her first language, she gamely tried to explain her query all the while grinding his ego into a fine powder under her boots. "well i didn't know,... i mean you just don't look like you lift,... to me". tears are streaming down my face and buddy is giving me whatfor. he felt that i should have said something to back him up or at the very least, not be so dayummm amused. well all he has told me about is the frequency and duration that he has been on the treadmill. well guess what sweetheart, getting on the treadmill is not lifting... it's flippin cardio. however, something tells me he is going to be pounding the iron for real this weekend... hmmmmm

then and now

as i sit here over my second serving of spinach today i am reminded of a conversation i recently had with a friend. she had gone to see my athletic therapist about an injury and during the session they somehow got onto the topic of me. my friend was horrified to learn that at one time i had less than stellar nutritional habits. it's not her fault really, she didn't know me back when phrases like; 'i'll have a quarter pounder with cheese, medium fries and a coke' or 'can i get a small, pepperoni, ground beef, hot banana peppers with fresh garlic?' regularly fell out of my mouth.

but that was how it was over 6 years ago, my athletic therapist remembers when i used to come in for appointments armed with a large bag of nibs, or enough sour charm lollipops with gumball centers, for the both of us.

i have changed, i am constantly evolving, the blame rests solely on this sport that consumes me. i know that i can no longer eat that way and achieve the physique that i want. jennifer abrams is a national level competitor in the u.s., she has the kind of natural physique i strive to achieve. she recently competed this past weekend at the nyc team universe, it is a natural show wherein a amateur competitor can earn their pro status. jennifer and i are about the same height and she just competed at 150 lbs!!! hopefully in another 9 years or so i too will be able to step on stage at 150 lbs.

i think i'm going to need more spinach.

the awakening

there was something about that last post. it inspired me in some way, it brought with it a need to find another creative outlet. i can not remember the last time i legitimately had a need to express any real creativity. what about work, you might ask? well if there was any activity likely to suck any and all creative energy from me, it would be computer graphics. so here is the new challenge, i have the desire to be creative and the need to find another avenue in which to channel it. the only remaining question are how and where? to quote shakespeare "ay, there's the rub" (therein lies the rub)

i currently sit 5 lbs out from where i want to be for my photoshoot. the earliest date that we can do it, according to the photographer, is another 3 weeks away. i am re-adjusting the carb cycling... with 5 lbs to go it is too soon for that.

well my friends the gym she beckons. on the new schedule it is chest day and today im feeling like incline db's, hard and heavy... of course. we got work to do.

~the miche-ine~

oddly enough...

oddly enough the hardest thing,in my opinion, about show prep is not the diet, or the training while exhausted depleted and deprived, nor is it the endless hours of cardio. the hardest thing is what do you do next.

this journey, that i am on, is an awakening if you will. the need to make myself understand why natural bbers are the size that they are. well i think i have learned something new. i knew that it had to do with spending more time dieting and competing than growing. but what i didn't understand was why. i think i get it now.

you spend somewhere in the neighbourhood of 16-20 weeks focused on this one day. and assuming all goes well that day in question arrives and it is bigger than you imagined. but then like the day before it and the day before that... it goes. and then what? you wake up the next morning with a realization that you are no longer x number of days out, you don't have to be in the gym training... i'm sure you get the idea.

so what brought on this sudden burst of melancholy? you know that friend of mine, who won all of those shows saturday? well she was talking about that very feeling this morning in her online journal. she remembered that i mentioned it when i was post-show and i guess at the time she thought i was being particularily strange. but she woke up this morning and got the dubious pleasure of feeling it for herself. her coach posted that post-contest blues are quite common.

what has been getting me through this phase is focusing on what is to come and what i feel i have to do. to bring that bigger, better, undeniable package to the stage next year. i changed around my training week today. i've had the same training days for a while now. but i am going to move some of the days around. prioritize some of my lagging body parts and get some more size on me.

also having the photoshoot to focus on has given me yet another date. i guess i am one of those goal oriented people who just needs to keep some sort of finish line in sight.

speaking of photoshoots, i got in touch with a guy who took some shots of me at the arnold last march. he sent me a copy of one of them today and i was shocked. i blew that picture up as large as i could because i was convinced my bicep had to have been photoshopped. i couldn't find any signs of tampering so i guess that was my arm. holy crap! i think that is the first time i've ever had that kind of reaction to my pics. that's not to say that i am not looking forward to building bigger shoulders, larger biceps and more formidable triceps. but what it means is for right now, today... i am content.

i got in some decent quality riding this past weekend. my bike has a lot of bike friends and she seems to be making more and more friends as the season continues. here is a pic from 3 weeks ago, taken before my first ride through the forks of the credit. beside it a picture taken yesterday when i went out ride with my friend and her new v-star.

phase two

i am now into phase two of my recovery from the nutritional free-fall. basically i have re-introduced the carb rotation that i used for much of my contest prep. the mission, and i do accept it, is to return as close as humanly possible to my contest condition for the shoot.

in other news, as i start to plan my offseason, my charge into the 2007 season i have made this initial decision. it is my intention to take my posing to another level. people who are known for masterful posing routines can, when they are truly lucky, make a little bit of cash doing guest posing. since i tend to like dreaming in HD colour. instead of aiming to just always take the best posing trophy, i'm going to aim just a little bit higher instead. after all i'm still searching for my true calling. the only way to find it, is by the process of elimination.

i am also very excited to report that my friend from delaware had to rent a freakin' u-haul trailer to get all her hardware home. her event was two shows combined in one venue. so she won the middleweight class and the overall in the first show and then won the middleweight and overall in the second show. my girl is going home with 4 trophies!!! i am one of the people who knows how hard she worked for this, as i said before with our shows so close together we went through our preps together. the sc's of the bb board that i am on, have all done really well this competitive season. a lot of top place finishes, overall wins and so forth. i think it is a really good environment for me to be in and hopefully next year i can be hauling in the hardware myself.

planning my course

my ego took a major hit yesterday. one of the reporters who covered my show said that my competitor 'handily won the heavyweight class'. now people keep trying to tell me to take that opinion with a grain of salt. although that is good advice, when you get right down to it as hard as i try to play otherwise... i am human.

so for the next 11 months and change i will be thinking about that comment and using it to fuel my workouts so that i bring a bigger, better, undeniable package to the stage in 2007.

in 4 days i have made great strides in recovering from my post-show nutritional free-fall. at this point im still enjoying an offseason diet but ive cleaned up all the crap. the dough from the pizza, the cookies and the bread from the burgers have all reeked havoc on my mid-section. i do know that bread products tend to bloat you, but what i can't remember is, how long it takes to undo the 'damage'. the goal for the photoshoot is to get my condition back as close as possible to my show condition. i have a little over two weeks and i still haven't re-introduced my show-prep diet.

my friend in delaware has her show this weekend. i talked to her for a while on the phone last night, her spirits are good. i saw her pics on the board yesterday, wow... she has done her homework, she is sliced and diced. i told her that i expect a phone call asap to tell me how she did. i can't imagine anyone else will that conditioned on stage... but the reality is, you just never know. either way i am very proud of all she has accomplished. i have often said that its a shame that we don't live closer to each other. we would make awesome training partners.

speaking of training partners, my coach has yet to make his return to the gym so i've been on my own. since my legs are still shot from mondays workout i am going to have to train chest tomorrow in lieu of hammys. it would be nice to have someone around to spot me, should i need it. its not like there aren't people there that i could ask to spot me, but not everyone knows how to spot and not everyone knows how to spot me.

some people like getting a 'lift off', some prefer you keep your hands on them as they lift. i however prefer a hands off technique. i want my spotter to stand behind me paying attention, obviously, but with no contact at all. now if i am about to be crushed by the weight by all means get in there and help me. but if i've got it... keep your hands to yourself!

before a set with a new spotter i will tell them how many reps i am going for, that i will lift it up by myself and to only touch me if i look like i'm about to 'wear the bar'. they always say 'sure, no problem' and on the lift i can feel their hands on my elbows pushing up. grrrr! "i didn't help you", they say "i just gave you a little lift off... you had it". what they don't understand is to me that initial lift is key, it is my way of ensuring that i can lift the weight. if i am struggling to get it up... then i know to put it back down and try something lighter. if i can't get it up by myself, then i surely won't be able to control the weight mid-set.

or maybe im just justifying my independant streak??

they like me... they really like me

well as i've mentioned previously i've been green-lighted for my return to the gym and to training. something odd happened monday morning and i did not wake up in time to hit the gym before work. at the time i was pretty pissed off but in hindsight i think it was for the best. i went to the gym monday after work with a plan, i was going to squat, i was going to start off light and work my way up.

well i had to park my ego in dry dock as what i expected to be 'light' was all kinds of kicking my azz, there was no going up. and to add insult to injury i did not experience DOMS, (delayed onset muscle soreness), but rather its evil twin IOMS, (instant onset muscle soreness). my quads and hammys were locking up tighter than fort knox! but im a determined lil cuss and i kept in there and got 'er done even though i left the gym with the grace of fred sanford.

that night i received a lot more email and private messages from people within the bodybuilding community. i am hugely flattered over all of the positive feedback and supportive comments i have received. one thing is for sure i still don't see what they do. i guess that's a good thing though. since i don't think i look like a bodybuilder yet i will just have to keep working hard.

i was having this very conversation with one of my bb friends today. she was commenting how 'we' had a distorted sense of self, as fans of bodybuilding we are used to seeing athletes with more years in the sport, with physiques we can only dream of. thats not to say we aren't going to move heaven and earth to get dayumm close but the reality is, the chances of looking like an ifbb pro is slim to none.

another friend told me that i needed more pictures up here. she feels that my witty repoirtee is not enough to keep people tuning in. well here then is an example of what i think of when i think of a competitive fbb and what i see when i look in the mirror.

yup... miles to go before i sleep

back to the drawing board

well today was a very good day. it was my first training day after a forced 2 week layoff. i am sure for some of you 2 weeks out of the gym doesn't sound nearly so bad at all. but try to remember that training is one of my favourite things to do. it centers me and it helps to regulate my mood. which is by no means an easy task.

i was a bit like an unmanned missle. my coach was too pooped to make it in this a.m therefore that was both a figurative and a literal comparison. all in all i would have to say that i didn't do anything stupid. i didn't overtrain and i didn't start out too heavy. i lifted with my head!

saturday was a fun day. i went to a bike shop in ajax with my riding buddy, she has a hot hand so i've taken to calling her speed racer. anyway we both came away with riding pants. so with my new tinted visor and my full leathers i feel more than a little like the miche-inator.

on saturday night i judged the musclemania show. at the event my coach talked to one of the physique photographers about scheduling a photo shoot for me. basically i have 3 weeks in order to get my body back on track. suffice it to say that i spent the past 2 weeks nutritionally cliff-diving. i replaced training with carb ingestion... i think i've had nothing but sugar filled crap in the past two weeks. so it should be of no suprise to learn my coach and i went out for a late dinner after the show. we went to eastside marios and i put away an 11" new yawker pizza. why go out with a whimper when you can go out with a bang??!!!

i now have two sets of show pics, from my friends who were there and the event photographer. i've shared both sets of pics with a variety of different people, both within the industry and out, i'm both pleased and a bit suprised about how favourable the reactions have been. i guess even now i can't help but doubt myself. i know my friend in jersey had hoped the show would 'fix that', but i guess since it took me so long to develop all these interesting idiosyncrasies its going to take more than a minute to get rid of them. but you know what?? it's all part of my charm.

tomorrow is quad day and i will be going to bed shortly to dream of free squats!!!!

you see friends, my prep for 2007 starts now!!
buckle your seatbelt dorothy it's gonna be a bumpy ride

the decision is in...

i ran into my nutritionist today. he congratulated me on my showing. we talked a bit about the show, unofficially and without pics, he mentioned taking a look at the pics, 'seeing what was missing and what i need to bring up for next year'. in the only conversation i had with my coach about 'my future plans' he said, "... you could take the summer off and enjoy your bike."

so my friends i believe my team has spoken. i am officially offseason. i imagine that the 'official pics' will show that i can easily add more back density, quad size, calf size and delts.

and finally a situation that didnt make sense at the time, but since i talked to my nutritionist, i understand it all much better.

on wednesday my mother went in to see the nutritionist for a follow up appointment. he said to my mother 'so miche did really well this past weekend eh?' of course my mother didn't know what the hell he was talking about. he then apparently tried to dance his way out of trouble, he told her i did some fitness thing. she told him that she knew nothing of it.

now mom doesn't say anything to me but i guess she told my dad. so later that night my dad comes into my room and tells me to watch the discovery channel. they were doing a feature on the 'science of superhuman strength'. from across the hall, my dad screams and when i turn around to ask him what is wrong, i happen to notice kevin levrone is on screen in the middle of a back double bicep. my dad's one word explanation for the scream 'ugly!'. i may have muttered fawk-off under my breath... the details are sketchy at this point.

a couple days later dad traps me in the kitchen and he gets uncharacteristically talkative.

dad: ya know that show that was on the discovery channel the other day
miche: ya? (not liking where this is going)
dad: man... when those guys puffed themselves up like that... ya know... ugly!!!... ya know... there is nothing to admire about that... you know what i mean?
i am fuming inside but i say nothing
dad: and... how much of that STUFF, they must have to take to get like that... you know what i mean?
i grab my food and head up to my room and close the door.

so, clearly my decision not to include my parents in my journey was the right one!

and the winner is....

somebody else!!!

the fat lady is slinking off the stage, they have dimmed the lights, we have scraped the last of the protan and pam from our bodies.

so how was it? well suprisingly enough it was not nearly the mind numbing nerve wracking experience that rollerblade contests were. in fact i can almost say that except for a quick little second i did not get nervous at all.

it took more time to get ready (get my suit on, tan on, oil up, makeup and what not), than i spent on stage. we were called onto the stage, the head judge called out front double bicep, side chest, back double bicep, side tricep and abs and thigh and that was it... we were done. then it was back to the hotel to wait for the night show.

the most fun was doing my routine for the night show. i guess the ham that has always been in me really shines during something like this. when i got off the stage i got a lot of congratulations for my routine. i was even complimented by laura creavalle (retired ifbb pro bodybuilder).

a couple of my friends from the board came out to bring me my oatmeal and raisin cookies. i was drowning my sorrows in a fistful of cookies when they announced that i was the winner of the best female poser!! apparently they liked my routine that much. so i went back up on stage... stopping only to hug my coach and i collected my trophy. by far i am the most proud of this part of the journey. my coach was always the one to win the best posing trophy, it is so amazing to be able to uphold the family honour if you will.

so whats next? well i do have the option of competiting in the canadians but there are many variables that will determine if i do or not. first i need to sit down with my coach and find out if he has the time to go around again. then i need to sit down with my diet guy and find out if i peaked for that show or if i can peak for the august show. the august show would have stiffer competition, since it would be the best from each province. so if the august show is not in the cards then i will be back to the drawing board. growing more muscle for next time.

i will keep you posted

closerthanthis

okay folks this is likely going to be my last post before the show. for those of you who don't know its saturday.

on the good news/isn't it ironic front. i called canada post yesterday morning and was told in no uncertain terms that my suits were on their way back to texas and there was nothing that could be done. then the lovely gentleman in question asked me if there was anything else he could help me with. he did not seem to enjoy my request that he make me a couple of suits before saturday. sense of humour sunshine... get one!

so then i had an epiphany. i remembered that at the shows there are always suit designers there and they always have booths with suits on display. figured it was a long shot but on the off chance that there was a suit that would fit, it would likely look better on me than something off the rack. one of my friends from the boards hooked me up with passion fruit designs and i gave her a call. okay now i must gush. rather than laugh hysterically at my plight and hang up, berns was compassionate and more than willing to step in and help me out.

i raced across the city and she had me go through some of the suits she had. there were more than a few that would have worked or only needed a simple modification, (her words not mine... i know nothing of this stuff). but in the end she decided that would not do, that i had to have my own suits made for me. and so she went and got some material and made some colour choices, (don't get me wrong she attempted to get my input but since i am more than willing to admit i know sh*t about that i let her make the call). i paid her and i drove home.

and here is where the irony comes in. guess what is sitting on my bed? yup my purolator package. the suits finally did arrive i actually laughed. so what am i going to do? well i am going to wear the passion fruit suits. why?? well i liked the way her suits fit, they are hella easy to put on, based on passion fruit reputation those suits will not need to be glued on and finally one of the suits that came in the mail was the wrong colour. i was expecting a teal blue and a guess what you might call a royal blue. instead i ended up with a royal blue and a greenish suit, i don't really like the look of the green suit against my skin.

but the upside is, should my coach and my online friends be right... that this is just the beginning well i now have suits for next time. i met a fantastic designer who taught me so much about how to properly wear the suit, the kind of stuff i would never have learned without the 'fitting'.

so now its just time to focus on the job at hand... and as my friend tg from the board said 'hold your head up and flex hard'.

time to get 'er done people.

next stop... tim horton's cookies!!!!!

pressing on...

so the most interesting to report is probably the fate of my suits. i mentioned yesterday that it would appear somehow that i messed up my address on my order form. so my suits have been deemed 'undeliverable' by purolator, they are either on their way back to canada post or houston, texas. i've been trying to see if there is a way that i can get them before they are returned but since it's a) not the standard procedure and b) since neither company is really sure where they are... chances are, they are going back to texas. hopefully they had a lovely trip.

i am sure i am coming across as unnaturally calm and in a way i guess i am. fact is although i am still trying to locate my suits and get them here, they reality is this situation is out of my control. my coach feels that if this is the worse thing that is going to happen on my way to the stage then i am doing ok. as he pointed out, my physique has come in the way that both he and the nutritionist intended, thus it doesn't really matter what i am wearing. any placings i have are not going to hinge on the fact that the suits i will be wearing will be off the rack. he also said that 'we both know this is not the last time you will be doing this so...', ummm... its not???!!!.

the other interesting thing was i completely lost my mind yesterday anyway. i woke up in this funk that i can't explain. i unloaded in my online journal on my bodybuilding board and i think i may have scared the hell outta some of my friends. those of them who have competed previously told me to calm down and that my feelings were a direct result of the show prep. again... i had no idea that show prep would be like this. my mood is sometimes comparable to a whammo super ball bouncing around inside of a squash court. although for the most part, i think i haven't been too difficult to be around.

finally ran into one of the account managers from work, who i haven't seen in a while. she noticed that i had lost a lot of weight, (17 lbs to date), apparently she thinks i look good at this weight and was amazed to hear that i had no intentions of staying here. i may look good to her but i can barely stand, i have zero strength and energy.

today i get to try boiled chicken... there's the microwave, well here goes!

no more drama

well i am up at 4:00 am as per usual, but yesterday was my last workout. for the better part of 3 weeks i won't training. to be honest i have no clue how i am going to make it through that.

pre-contest is really traumatic to the body. don't get me wrong you do adjust your workouts according to your carbohydrate input but you still require your body do way more, on way less than its used to or comfortable with. but nothing about the last few weeks is particularily comfortable. that was not a complaint mind you, just merely a statement of fact.

today i get to start putting carbs back into my diet. i have spent the last few weeks getting as flat as a pancake, and i honestly can't explain how much of a mind fawk that was. i finally made myself take pictures on the weekend. i have never been this lean, you could see teeny tiny muscle bellies... but they were still teeny and tiny. according to my coach, my nutritionist and others in the know after the carb loading phase those teeny tiny bellies are going to fill up and i'm going to be huge. currently praying for 'huuuge'.

seems i somehow managed to screw up my mailing address and my suits have yet to arrive. since i can't afford to lose all my hard work to increased cortisol levels i am trying desperately not to worry or panic.

interestingly enough i am very tired. as i sit here typing this, my belly now full of chicken and sweet potato, i am suddenly aware of how tired i am feeling. i think i will set my alarm for 6:00 am. i will go back to bed and sleep for a little bit and then get up practice posing and go through my routine a few times before i get ready to go to work.

its due to rain today... so i won't be riding my bike in. besides i think i am probably still too carb depleted to be trying something like that.

untitled

usually when i sit down to compose a blog entry either the title is already in my head or at the very least i have a vague idea what im going to be on about. today however, is not like that.

things are definately more tricky at this point. i seem to be okay when i get up in the morning... sure my balance is a bit off but i do seem to be able exhibit some motor control. post gym however my balance and motor control seems to be, well... how can i put this eloquently??? for sh*t. it is my best guess that there are some horrified people at tim horton's in the mornings. i just know they are disgusted that i am clearly drunk at 8:00 am.

i went to a opa show last saturday. i went with some new 'old' friends. new in the sense that was the first we've met, but old in the sense that we have been online friends for some time. i think that is why i felt like i was spending sometime with old friends.

the show was long. i was frustrated by the number of figure competitors and their ridiculous class distinctions; figure short, figure medium, figure medium tall and figure tall. ok people what da azz if medium tall? its like watching a physique contest at starbucks. really what is next? figure short medium??? anyway as luck would have it we ended up leaving before we even got to see the mens middleweight bodybuilding class. it was already almost 11pm and i had to train and work in the morning.

as for the rest of it... well i didnt tell the other women with me but watching the show yesterday really kind of wigged me out. i started to get nervous... i started to wonder about my decision to compete. i never wanted to be small on stage and yesterday i realized that i don't look any bigger than the women i intended to be bigger than.

also for the first time in a really long time i shot some progress pics. i was really hoping that the pics would recover my fallen ego... i guess that was the reason why i hadn't been taking pics of late. my fallen ego remains... in a pile of ashes. i think i will share the pics with a few of my online buds... i think i need a healthy dose of blown sunshine to help me recover my confidence. everyone keeps telling me to wait till the morning of, after i fill back out... but at this point i just can't see how i am going to look any way other than tiny.

finally i found out that one of my friends has made the decisions to share with some people my decision to compete. i am pissed about that. the decision who to share this information with is mine. bodybuilding is a sport that you either love or you hate. those who hate it base their opinions on that which they do not understand and leap to all types or ridiculous conclusions.

since i know that there is a faction of society who equates bodybuilding with drug usage i am careful who i trust with the information that i am stepping into the realm of competitive bodybuilding. i guess it all boils down to me not wanting some think they know it all azz monkey assuming im taking this or that because they only know of one side of the sport.

hell my family doesn't even know and they are front line in dealing with the brunt of my funky moods. had a doozy rockin' today too. my coach thinks they should be told... i think its a bad idea. fawk, we are into the home stretch now... all they have to do is sit tight a little while longer and it will all be over.

on final approach

i am on the final approach on my journey to the stage. it has been a very interesting trip. there were things i anticipated and expected and things that caught me completely off guard.

i had an interesting reaction tuesday morning. in my opinion one of the few times i've really struggled with this prep. tuesday morning entailed some posing practice, routine practice, i don't think i told you that my coach changed my music... basically in the studio he and the musician doing the edit changed a few things that basically entailed me having to learn a new ending, leg extensions and a.m cardio. never in my life have i ever felt that tired. i could barely walk, i was nodding off in my car at the lights. i would be lying if i didn't admit to starting to worry. luckily a couple sticks of gum and a meal fixed me right up.

tuesday night had me at the MAC counter augmenting my make-up collection. which is pretty funny when you realize that i never wear the sh*t... so spending another $90 to add more make-up to my collection is ironic to say the least.

i sat down with my nutritionist today and he layed out for me the plan for the last few miles of this trip. i am glad he wrote it all down because right now my head is spinning. i think i need to petition someone to get an extra 4 hours put into each day. i am going to need that time to get things organized for the show.

go figure

okay now this i simply don't get i am on a low carb, essentially no carb diet rotation. from all pre-diet reports i would likely be somewhere between maniacal and uber-b*tchy. now i will admit to having 2 reported occaisions wherein i can honestly say i reacted with a bit more 'ummmpf' than was duly necessary (but burn your yams on your carb day and see how well you take it!).

but what confuses me is that in many regards the loss of carbs seems to have settled me to some degree. i find i am calmer, i don't feel that i over-react as quickly or as often as i am used to. in fact the azz monkeys in my life who are determined to piss me off, well they do annoy but i just can't be bothered to react.

but for the record... no matter how well it settles me, as soon as the diet is complete i plan to re-embrace the carbs. this lil girl's got some growin' to do people!!!

watch out world here i come!!!

diggin deep

this my friends is the interesting part of the journey. this is the part that, if you allow me the use of an old cliche is, seperates the mice from the men. the carb cycling, the lower calories, the training, et al have netted me with the most interesting of feelings. monday worked out to be a day without carbs and it was still my quad day. so there i was running on empty but still doing two squat variations.

well i woke up tuesday and i was not myself. even though i got carbs that day i was still a mess. standing, walking you name it every activity was carried out as though i was standing on the deck of a small boat floating in rough water. i soldiered through one of the most challenging cardio sessions of my life. i literally felt like i might fall and just trying to co-ordinate my legs was something else entirely.

in fact tuesday evening i went to the liquor store to buy a bottle of wine to thank one of my friends for his help with my bike purchase. best guess, i think i made it all of 20 feet from the front of the store before i was standing over a $33 puddle of wine. one second i was holding onto the bag and the next i just let it go. so back into the LCBO i went for another $33 bottle.

wednesday was a follow up with my nutritionist. its not suprising to find that he still has a battalion of other 'tricks' to help dial me in. i am currently 12lbs less than when i started and i have also lost about 7% of body fat. i expect that i will be somewhere in the neighbourhood of 12-13% by the time the show rolls around. cardio twice a day has started now... yippee! as well i've also started back in the phone booth, time to lay down the base colour before the show.

i am proud of a few things. they are small changes in the grand scheme of things, but they are huge for me. i have been going into the studio at the gym on my cardio only days and i have been practicing my posing and my routine. there is just way more room there than in my bedroom at home. i am trying to force myself to ignore the curious onlookers. also i have started to do the cardio in my tank again. simply because i am that flipping warm, i am still suffering from 'smallness' but the desire not to pass out from overheating is superseding my feelings of inadequacy. the kicker is i have sort of invited 2 people to the show and told another i was doing it.

why? well my coach, i strongly believe, has told half of the free world and wether i like it or not there are going to be way more members of my gym at the show that day. bodybuilding fans??? nope just curious onlookers. so i figure since i already have all these people coming... what difference does it make. if i crash and burn like i normally do in competition in front of friends and family well then the more the merrier... cuz trust me nobody crashes and burns as entertaining as i do. i believe ESPN probably still has the footage!

today is friday and i can honestly say its the best my legs have felt in days however, i am still feeling like a marionette... as though someone else was pulling the strings that operate my legs.

i am the warrior

guess who's back

well my friends my computer has been resurrected. i'd love to say that i got the information of my seized hard drive but sadly that's not the case. as it stands i still have the unit, but i've got to save up a whole wack of cashola to get my information off the drive.

again, i can't just turn my back on 3 years of bodybuilding progress, nutrition plans. that is information that i feel i can't do without. there is a lesson here. next time i will be smarter.

well i'm heavy into the carb rotations. in the beginning it wasn't as bad as i feared. the carb free days weren't even as hellacious as i imagined. however i have been doing it for a little over a week and i can honestly say i am starting to feel different. my legs are tired and heavy. i feel the need to sit more than i did before. granted i can still train but cardio is really starting to suck something awful.

the other interesting change in this journey to the stage is a sudden feeling thats overcome me in the last little while. simply i feel small. okay now i am currently 12lbs less than i was when i started this journey but that's not what i mean. i mean when i look in the mirror i dont see a bodybuilder, i just see small... and i don't think i like it. i've asked around on the boards and what i am feeling is normal, its part of the mental game that has to be endured. i guess the lack of carbs to some extent is responsible for my irrationality.

i will continue to charge toward the stage but in the back of my mind i focus on the muscle mass that i will be putting on in my next offseason.

the battle continues my friend and this tired warrior marches on.