it has now been a week since i stepped down from my position at the gym. stepping down did not automatically bring an end to the gastric complaints. since it took a good 5 months of abuse to get to this point, it is likely going to take a few weeks before things settle back down.
it was a nice change of pace to be able to spend so much time resting this past weekend. and i was amazed how much stuff i was able to actually get done.
c'est tout!!
Wednesday, June 10, 2009
Wednesday, June 03, 2009
know when to hold 'em, know when to fold 'em...
and when to run.
my stomach attack started monday at 3:30 pm it continued through the day and into the night. in fact it made kept me up until sometime after midnight. i was still experiencing nausea the following morning.
during my lunch hour on tuesday, i drove over to the gym with my letter of resignation. clearly i can no longer do the 7 day work week. i plan to pass off my clients to other trainers so i won't have to go in at all this weekend.
my stomach attack started monday at 3:30 pm it continued through the day and into the night. in fact it made kept me up until sometime after midnight. i was still experiencing nausea the following morning.
during my lunch hour on tuesday, i drove over to the gym with my letter of resignation. clearly i can no longer do the 7 day work week. i plan to pass off my clients to other trainers so i won't have to go in at all this weekend.
Monday, June 01, 2009
change is on the horizon
well it is officially back. my trick stomach has been getting back to its old tricks. i regularly have attacks when i am at my design job. the nausea, the horrific cramping, the sweating, feeling faint... i have them or have had them all. i am getting pretty worried at this point. the last time it got bad, it was in 2001 i think, i spent 30 hours in the ER.
after that lovely experience in which i was convinced an alien baby was about to bust clear through my gut, i had a battery of tests performed and of course the results of the tests proved that there was nothing wrong with my digestive system. the best the specialist could come up with was that i had a 'nervous tummy' and had to learn how to manage my stress.
it has been about 5 months of 7 day work weeks, with the odd day off thrown in here and there. it is clear to me that something has to be done... and soon.
i have no intention of re-visiting the ER.
after that lovely experience in which i was convinced an alien baby was about to bust clear through my gut, i had a battery of tests performed and of course the results of the tests proved that there was nothing wrong with my digestive system. the best the specialist could come up with was that i had a 'nervous tummy' and had to learn how to manage my stress.
it has been about 5 months of 7 day work weeks, with the odd day off thrown in here and there. it is clear to me that something has to be done... and soon.
i have no intention of re-visiting the ER.
Tuesday, May 05, 2009
what hurts the most...
i find it odd, to say the least, that participating in physique sports automatically means that you are no longer allowed to be treated with respect and common courtesy.
it would be grossly inappropriate for someone to walk up to a plus-sized woman and proceed to tell her exactly how plus-sized she appeared to be. however, most physique athletes will tell you that they don't get the same courtesy. for whatever reason there is absolutely nothing inappropriate about pointing out how off-season an athlete gets. case in point, i was doing cardio when another member interrupted me to tell me that i had put on weight. like somehow the extra 50 lbs escaped my notice?
a dieting friend was told that her meal looked like dog food. dog food?!!! we have all seen some rather unusual ethnic fare and we know better than to disrespect someone's meal. why is that courtesy not extended to the physique athlete? why is it okay for someone to practically stick their nose in my plate and announce that they couldn't eat that? clearly no one is asking you to and if you'd be so kind as to move your fat head, then i can, because i actually want too.
or how about the people who talk about you in the change rooms? how they would NEVER want to look like THAT. first of all weight training does not make you deaf, we can still hear. i remember being introduced to a potential client at the gym. she was in her mid-50's, i am fairly confident she had never been to the gym before. while looking at me with disgust, she told the consultant that she did not want to end up looking like THAT. before me was a soft buttery physique, with a jiggly belly and with hips wider than her shoulders. now i know that i would never want to look like that, but i do have enough respect for my fellow man to keep my opinion to myself.
dave, who's routine i choreographed, told me about a time when he was training before the show. he was in the final stretch and was quite lean and quite vascular. apparently he had the pleasure of trying to do his set while some idiot was loudly demanding to know what steroids he was taking. isn't that the equivalent of dave asking the guy how many donuts it took to look like that?
not even in the comfort of my own home am i safe. my mother has an issue with how my clothes currently fit my off-season frame. even though i have assured her that i am losing weight, although i am told not fast enough. i am down about 15 lbs likely with another 10 lbs to go before i am happy. either way mother has been giving me the gears and/or poking me in the stomach. fun? not so much.
to 'help' she has been trying to buy me clothes and/or give me her hand-me-downs. she doesn't understand that it's not easy to shop for a muscular physique. it is my body and i often won't know what will or will not fit me. she also refuses to acknowledge that styles that appeal to her are likely not going to appeal to me. to be honest this whole experience just makes me feel self conscious and like utter crap. my father in his quest to be helpful suggested i start shopping at one of the plus-sized stores. ouch.
it would be grossly inappropriate for someone to walk up to a plus-sized woman and proceed to tell her exactly how plus-sized she appeared to be. however, most physique athletes will tell you that they don't get the same courtesy. for whatever reason there is absolutely nothing inappropriate about pointing out how off-season an athlete gets. case in point, i was doing cardio when another member interrupted me to tell me that i had put on weight. like somehow the extra 50 lbs escaped my notice?
a dieting friend was told that her meal looked like dog food. dog food?!!! we have all seen some rather unusual ethnic fare and we know better than to disrespect someone's meal. why is that courtesy not extended to the physique athlete? why is it okay for someone to practically stick their nose in my plate and announce that they couldn't eat that? clearly no one is asking you to and if you'd be so kind as to move your fat head, then i can, because i actually want too.
or how about the people who talk about you in the change rooms? how they would NEVER want to look like THAT. first of all weight training does not make you deaf, we can still hear. i remember being introduced to a potential client at the gym. she was in her mid-50's, i am fairly confident she had never been to the gym before. while looking at me with disgust, she told the consultant that she did not want to end up looking like THAT. before me was a soft buttery physique, with a jiggly belly and with hips wider than her shoulders. now i know that i would never want to look like that, but i do have enough respect for my fellow man to keep my opinion to myself.
dave, who's routine i choreographed, told me about a time when he was training before the show. he was in the final stretch and was quite lean and quite vascular. apparently he had the pleasure of trying to do his set while some idiot was loudly demanding to know what steroids he was taking. isn't that the equivalent of dave asking the guy how many donuts it took to look like that?
not even in the comfort of my own home am i safe. my mother has an issue with how my clothes currently fit my off-season frame. even though i have assured her that i am losing weight, although i am told not fast enough. i am down about 15 lbs likely with another 10 lbs to go before i am happy. either way mother has been giving me the gears and/or poking me in the stomach. fun? not so much.
to 'help' she has been trying to buy me clothes and/or give me her hand-me-downs. she doesn't understand that it's not easy to shop for a muscular physique. it is my body and i often won't know what will or will not fit me. she also refuses to acknowledge that styles that appeal to her are likely not going to appeal to me. to be honest this whole experience just makes me feel self conscious and like utter crap. my father in his quest to be helpful suggested i start shopping at one of the plus-sized stores. ouch.
Thursday, April 30, 2009
matters of the heart
so i checked this morning, it has been a good 3 weeks since i have posted. it's kind of amusing that is the reality, as in my head i've thought of many things i've wanted to blog about. i guess the lesson learned here is there is a huge variance between writing a post in your head and actually committing pixel to monitor.
one of the things i've been meaning to cover is the results of my cardiac tests. i believe i mentioned wearing a 24 hour heart rate monitor and the subsequent visit to the cardiac specialist. the good doctor looked at my EKG's and pronounced them identical and further did not think they suggested any sort of heart problem.
of course when he took a look at me and found out that i was a competitive bodybuilder he immediately ordered a cardiac ultrasound. he explained that heavy weight training effects the size of all the muscles in the human body, the heart muscle included. so he wanted to ultrasound my heart to see if it was enlarged from training. he said we would then discuss modifying my training and he wanted to know how i would feel about that. i'm guessing the smile on my face said exactly what i didn't.
the results of the ultrasound said that my left ventricle is 'slightly' enlarged. i really don't know what unit of measurement 'slightly' is, but i digress. the specialist told my doctor to recommend i stop lifting heavy, which she did. i smiled at her too.
if it makes them feel better to think that i am not going heavy, so be it. but here is the thing, from what i've read online it is inconclusive that heavy weight training alone enlarges the heart muscle. i can be enlarged by a multitude of factors including stress. well i think we can all agree that 2008 was a banner stress year for me. as well the articles state for heavy weight training to have any significant effect on the heart muscle the athlete has to be taking performance enhancing drugs.
which of course leads me to an important thought. even if heavy weight training did have significant effects on the size of the heart muscle, as a natural athlete who is in effect limited in muscular growth and strength by genetic predisposition, exactly how big could my heart muscle get anyway?
and while i'm asking questions, how do we know that my left ventricle was enlarged sometime during the last 9 years? how do we know that i wasn't born this way, after all this was my first cardiac ultrasound. sometime next year i will be having another, as i understand it, i will be having them annually from here on out. if they truly want to impress upon me the severity of this 'condition', they will need to tell me next time something a bit more conclusive. i want the report to say the muscle is bigger in some form of unit of measurement or percentage. 'slightly' or 'kinda' just isn't going to cut it.
and finally i leave you with the best part of this whole experience. the results of the 24 hour monitor. my average heart rate was 85 bpm and my resting heart rate was 66 bpm. but the coolest thing was during training my heart rate got up to 150-180 bpm! i'll guess that my 315 lbs squat got the 180 bpm. hmmmm i wonder what heart rate a 340 lbs squat gets??
WHAT??!! that is not sick :-P
one of the things i've been meaning to cover is the results of my cardiac tests. i believe i mentioned wearing a 24 hour heart rate monitor and the subsequent visit to the cardiac specialist. the good doctor looked at my EKG's and pronounced them identical and further did not think they suggested any sort of heart problem.
of course when he took a look at me and found out that i was a competitive bodybuilder he immediately ordered a cardiac ultrasound. he explained that heavy weight training effects the size of all the muscles in the human body, the heart muscle included. so he wanted to ultrasound my heart to see if it was enlarged from training. he said we would then discuss modifying my training and he wanted to know how i would feel about that. i'm guessing the smile on my face said exactly what i didn't.
the results of the ultrasound said that my left ventricle is 'slightly' enlarged. i really don't know what unit of measurement 'slightly' is, but i digress. the specialist told my doctor to recommend i stop lifting heavy, which she did. i smiled at her too.
if it makes them feel better to think that i am not going heavy, so be it. but here is the thing, from what i've read online it is inconclusive that heavy weight training alone enlarges the heart muscle. i can be enlarged by a multitude of factors including stress. well i think we can all agree that 2008 was a banner stress year for me. as well the articles state for heavy weight training to have any significant effect on the heart muscle the athlete has to be taking performance enhancing drugs.
which of course leads me to an important thought. even if heavy weight training did have significant effects on the size of the heart muscle, as a natural athlete who is in effect limited in muscular growth and strength by genetic predisposition, exactly how big could my heart muscle get anyway?
and while i'm asking questions, how do we know that my left ventricle was enlarged sometime during the last 9 years? how do we know that i wasn't born this way, after all this was my first cardiac ultrasound. sometime next year i will be having another, as i understand it, i will be having them annually from here on out. if they truly want to impress upon me the severity of this 'condition', they will need to tell me next time something a bit more conclusive. i want the report to say the muscle is bigger in some form of unit of measurement or percentage. 'slightly' or 'kinda' just isn't going to cut it.
and finally i leave you with the best part of this whole experience. the results of the 24 hour monitor. my average heart rate was 85 bpm and my resting heart rate was 66 bpm. but the coolest thing was during training my heart rate got up to 150-180 bpm! i'll guess that my 315 lbs squat got the 180 bpm. hmmmm i wonder what heart rate a 340 lbs squat gets??
WHAT??!! that is not sick :-P
Tuesday, April 07, 2009
a quickie...
hey friends,
just a quick one cuz i am at work.
training has been going better of late. i've been wearing a hat on the gym floor. okay so you are wondering what the hell is the difference a hat makes? well i pull the visor down dangerously low. 'dangerously'? why yes, the visor is almost upon my nose. i can't see much more than the weight in front of me... this of course includes any olympic bars that are protruding from the racks as well.
on the one hand it keeps me from seeing any of the other members and thus keeps me from being distracted by any looks of disgust. similarily it also allows me the ability to brain myself on errant 45lb bars. ahh... the things we do for love.
oh my gawd, look who has her 'funny' back.
well i have completed the first routine and now i am onto the second. i am really proud of how the first routine turned out. it is very fast, very dynamic and unfortunately it kills my shoulders to perform it. i will be going to see terri shortly. but the good news is that dave is happy with it!! now he just has a couple weeks left to learn it. but the time frame is due to his lack of availability not mine!!
looking forward to the second routine as it is in a musical genre more inkeeping with my preferred style. not to say i didn't enjoy the challenge of a posing routine set to metal... even if it did freak me the hell out before i started.
and finally... i giggle as i supply you all with the following url:
http://www.johnabutler.com/?q=node/284
enjoy your day friends!
just a quick one cuz i am at work.
training has been going better of late. i've been wearing a hat on the gym floor. okay so you are wondering what the hell is the difference a hat makes? well i pull the visor down dangerously low. 'dangerously'? why yes, the visor is almost upon my nose. i can't see much more than the weight in front of me... this of course includes any olympic bars that are protruding from the racks as well.
on the one hand it keeps me from seeing any of the other members and thus keeps me from being distracted by any looks of disgust. similarily it also allows me the ability to brain myself on errant 45lb bars. ahh... the things we do for love.
oh my gawd, look who has her 'funny' back.
well i have completed the first routine and now i am onto the second. i am really proud of how the first routine turned out. it is very fast, very dynamic and unfortunately it kills my shoulders to perform it. i will be going to see terri shortly. but the good news is that dave is happy with it!! now he just has a couple weeks left to learn it. but the time frame is due to his lack of availability not mine!!
looking forward to the second routine as it is in a musical genre more inkeeping with my preferred style. not to say i didn't enjoy the challenge of a posing routine set to metal... even if it did freak me the hell out before i started.
and finally... i giggle as i supply you all with the following url:
http://www.johnabutler.com/?q=node/284
enjoy your day friends!
Wednesday, April 01, 2009
uggh!!!
i am having a really hard time these days. i find myself struggling with what should be warm up weight. i can't seem to focus. while i am training, if i catch someone staring at me it messes with my head and i start wondering if they are judging me.
i know i have to get over this somehow. i know that i am supposed to ignore it and not let it get in my way, i just don't seem to be able to. i really need to figure out how to get my head outta my azz before i lose anymore valuable training time.
i am NOT liking me very much right now
i know i have to get over this somehow. i know that i am supposed to ignore it and not let it get in my way, i just don't seem to be able to. i really need to figure out how to get my head outta my azz before i lose anymore valuable training time.
i am NOT liking me very much right now
Sunday, March 29, 2009
the road to self discovery...
my reaction to the alleged rumour got me thinking and i think today i hit an epiphany about myself. of course i am not quite sure what to do with the information or even if there is any advantage to trying to do something with it.
everyone i spoke to about the alleged rumour told me the same thing, that i shouldn't let it bother me, that it was either a case of ignorance or jealousy. i don't dispute that is good advice, but i do have trouble with it's execution. why?
well i think i have figured that out. my early memories are filled with a consistent message, reconfirmed by most everyone. i learned that i wasn't much, i wasn't going to amount to much and that i was a fawk up. i now realize those lessons are what kept me seeking out competitive sport. i don't think so much of it was about the athlete within, although there is no doubt there is one, but i think a good portion of it was to finally find a ruler by which i could prove to myself and others that i was worthwhile and that i wasn't a fawk up.
so you may be wondering why my self worth is still in the sh*tter considering i have had some success within rollerblading and bodybuilding. my 'wins' didn't help to re-affirm anything for me. i just think that somehow the self doubt still manages to reign supreme and that i have just convinced myself that my 'wins' were a fluke.
i have a couple of friends who have been trying to convince me that i should just somehow be able to stop the self doubt and should no longer be a victim to the past. i have no idea how i am supposed to do that mind you. i guess until i figure it out i will continue to be the mess i have always been.
likely, i will continue to feel self conscious on the gym floor. i just came from a pretty good shoulder workout, it was only marred by a gym member glaring at me. i don't know his name, but after my first show he asked me a bunch of questions about my competition. his primary interest was if i competed in a tested or untested show and if i was in fact tested. since he spent so much of his workout looking at me with such disgust i can only imagine what he now thinks.
dave and i were supposed to meet today. he has yet to see his routine or start learning it. he has 3 weeks left before his show. this is going to be interesting. i will keep you posted. i am however pretty pleased with some of the ideas i've had for his routine.
everyone i spoke to about the alleged rumour told me the same thing, that i shouldn't let it bother me, that it was either a case of ignorance or jealousy. i don't dispute that is good advice, but i do have trouble with it's execution. why?
well i think i have figured that out. my early memories are filled with a consistent message, reconfirmed by most everyone. i learned that i wasn't much, i wasn't going to amount to much and that i was a fawk up. i now realize those lessons are what kept me seeking out competitive sport. i don't think so much of it was about the athlete within, although there is no doubt there is one, but i think a good portion of it was to finally find a ruler by which i could prove to myself and others that i was worthwhile and that i wasn't a fawk up.
so you may be wondering why my self worth is still in the sh*tter considering i have had some success within rollerblading and bodybuilding. my 'wins' didn't help to re-affirm anything for me. i just think that somehow the self doubt still manages to reign supreme and that i have just convinced myself that my 'wins' were a fluke.
i have a couple of friends who have been trying to convince me that i should just somehow be able to stop the self doubt and should no longer be a victim to the past. i have no idea how i am supposed to do that mind you. i guess until i figure it out i will continue to be the mess i have always been.
likely, i will continue to feel self conscious on the gym floor. i just came from a pretty good shoulder workout, it was only marred by a gym member glaring at me. i don't know his name, but after my first show he asked me a bunch of questions about my competition. his primary interest was if i competed in a tested or untested show and if i was in fact tested. since he spent so much of his workout looking at me with such disgust i can only imagine what he now thinks.
dave and i were supposed to meet today. he has yet to see his routine or start learning it. he has 3 weeks left before his show. this is going to be interesting. i will keep you posted. i am however pretty pleased with some of the ideas i've had for his routine.
Sunday, March 22, 2009
where to begin??
when i was posting last february things were decidedly on course. perhaps i posted too soon?
one of the guys who where i am currently on assignment has been sick since the third week of january. i am talking coughing jags and extended nose blowing. this champ came to work every day as sick as he was. lucky for the rest of us... i caught his plague twice. once in february in which i lost a full week of training and again in march where i was out of the gym for 9 days. the woman who sits beside me caught it twice as well. and the woman to my other side i think was only out once.
all that time off slowed my physique recovery project down to a standstill. i estimate i am now about 4 weeks behind where i want to be.
as you probably recall i am a bear when i am kept from the gym too long. suffice it to say that i am fairly confident my family was this close to just grabbing a suitcase and booking for the nearest howard johnson's.
of course i was also surrounded with people who don't understand. i was constantly being told that 'it was only a week', or i was asked 'what did it matter since i wasn't doing a show this year'. it got to the point that it was just easier to remove myself from people than it was to continue to have those conversations that did nothing but upset me further.
there is some good news. i am helping dave get ready for his first show in 6 years. posing and choreography something i have really wanted to get into for some time. of course we all know that i am not the most confident of person in the world. so i am sure that it will not surprise anyone in the slightest to learn that i am just a little terrified. today we worked out what part of the song we are going to go with. now i just have to come up with the 60 seconds posing routine. mommy!!
and once again my friends the rumours about your's truly are circulating. i just found out today from dave that word in the gym is that i have 'crossed over'. this is not the first time i have been accused of using and although i know it won't be the last it still bothers the fawk out of me.
my logical mind knows that i am not supposed to care what other people think of me. my logical mind understands that i am supposed to take it as a back handed compliment. that in their eyes i look either too good, (Hah!!! hello jenny craig), or i am far too strong to possibly be a natural athlete. that is what my logical mind knows. but this is the reality... i am not hard wired that way. i care what people say and think about me. it doesn't matter whether it is said by people i dislike or people with whom i have no respect. i just don't like it. of course i found this out while i was still at the gym and before i trained. i cannot begin to tell you how uncomfortable and self conscious i felt.
one of the guys who where i am currently on assignment has been sick since the third week of january. i am talking coughing jags and extended nose blowing. this champ came to work every day as sick as he was. lucky for the rest of us... i caught his plague twice. once in february in which i lost a full week of training and again in march where i was out of the gym for 9 days. the woman who sits beside me caught it twice as well. and the woman to my other side i think was only out once.
all that time off slowed my physique recovery project down to a standstill. i estimate i am now about 4 weeks behind where i want to be.
as you probably recall i am a bear when i am kept from the gym too long. suffice it to say that i am fairly confident my family was this close to just grabbing a suitcase and booking for the nearest howard johnson's.
of course i was also surrounded with people who don't understand. i was constantly being told that 'it was only a week', or i was asked 'what did it matter since i wasn't doing a show this year'. it got to the point that it was just easier to remove myself from people than it was to continue to have those conversations that did nothing but upset me further.
there is some good news. i am helping dave get ready for his first show in 6 years. posing and choreography something i have really wanted to get into for some time. of course we all know that i am not the most confident of person in the world. so i am sure that it will not surprise anyone in the slightest to learn that i am just a little terrified. today we worked out what part of the song we are going to go with. now i just have to come up with the 60 seconds posing routine. mommy!!
and once again my friends the rumours about your's truly are circulating. i just found out today from dave that word in the gym is that i have 'crossed over'. this is not the first time i have been accused of using and although i know it won't be the last it still bothers the fawk out of me.
my logical mind knows that i am not supposed to care what other people think of me. my logical mind understands that i am supposed to take it as a back handed compliment. that in their eyes i look either too good, (Hah!!! hello jenny craig), or i am far too strong to possibly be a natural athlete. that is what my logical mind knows. but this is the reality... i am not hard wired that way. i care what people say and think about me. it doesn't matter whether it is said by people i dislike or people with whom i have no respect. i just don't like it. of course i found this out while i was still at the gym and before i trained. i cannot begin to tell you how uncomfortable and self conscious i felt.
Monday, February 09, 2009
still at it
since i last posted things have continued on a more positive vein and i truly am grateful. i am still working regularly although it is currently a bit slow today, which is why i am posting from work.
the physique improvement plan is still on course. i am currently down almost 8lbs. i am moving better, i am experiencing less and less back pain, my clothes are fitting better and of course i have less experiences with breathlessness. i haven't done anything crazy to make these changes. basically i cleaned up my diet, removed the infusion of cake, cookies, pizza, chips, and oh yeah bars. there is no weekly cheat meal. as i started a good 20lbs heavier than i should have been, there is no weekly cheat meal. thus it is clean eating up until i get down to my goal offseason weight.
i should qualify that, i have a target number in my head, once i achieve it i will assess how i look, if i still think its a tad fluffy for my offseason weight i may go down 5 or 10lbs further.
so beyond the clean diet, which so far includes only eyeballing food. i am diligently doing cardio, something which i allowed myself to slack on previously. nothing crazy, first of all the back wouldn't allow it. i started off walking on the treadmill for 20 mins, at the 8 minute mark i would be almost paralyzed by back pain. currently my cardio is still 20 mins post workout but it currently includes a 5 minute warm up and cool down, with a ten minute interval program in between. i am happy to report that my back doesn't seem to get tight up until about the 18 minute mark.
that is it, keeping it simple. making small and minute changes as required to keep me on track.
hope all is well with one and all
the physique improvement plan is still on course. i am currently down almost 8lbs. i am moving better, i am experiencing less and less back pain, my clothes are fitting better and of course i have less experiences with breathlessness. i haven't done anything crazy to make these changes. basically i cleaned up my diet, removed the infusion of cake, cookies, pizza, chips, and oh yeah bars. there is no weekly cheat meal. as i started a good 20lbs heavier than i should have been, there is no weekly cheat meal. thus it is clean eating up until i get down to my goal offseason weight.
i should qualify that, i have a target number in my head, once i achieve it i will assess how i look, if i still think its a tad fluffy for my offseason weight i may go down 5 or 10lbs further.
so beyond the clean diet, which so far includes only eyeballing food. i am diligently doing cardio, something which i allowed myself to slack on previously. nothing crazy, first of all the back wouldn't allow it. i started off walking on the treadmill for 20 mins, at the 8 minute mark i would be almost paralyzed by back pain. currently my cardio is still 20 mins post workout but it currently includes a 5 minute warm up and cool down, with a ten minute interval program in between. i am happy to report that my back doesn't seem to get tight up until about the 18 minute mark.
that is it, keeping it simple. making small and minute changes as required to keep me on track.
hope all is well with one and all
Monday, February 02, 2009
still aboard the injury train
well we have finally hit february and groundhogs the world over have predicted 6 more weeks of winter.
i am still in a pretty positive place even though i am currently rotating injuries. i somehow managed to injure myself getting into my truck and i had to spend a few days training around the hip flexor. that first day it was so painful i was having trouble walking. it seems to have gotten better on it's own. i am very thankful.
i finally went into see terri about the shoulder today. some of the treatment was so painful i honestly thought i might throw up. i am happy to report i didn't and as per usual terri made it all better. my right shoulder was more forward than it should be, and higher than it should be and my first rib had relocated itself as well.
and on sunday i went and checked out the new local skatepark.
i am still in a pretty positive place even though i am currently rotating injuries. i somehow managed to injure myself getting into my truck and i had to spend a few days training around the hip flexor. that first day it was so painful i was having trouble walking. it seems to have gotten better on it's own. i am very thankful.
i finally went into see terri about the shoulder today. some of the treatment was so painful i honestly thought i might throw up. i am happy to report i didn't and as per usual terri made it all better. my right shoulder was more forward than it should be, and higher than it should be and my first rib had relocated itself as well.
and on sunday i went and checked out the new local skatepark.
Tuesday, January 27, 2009
gettin' better all the time?
well i have been working steadily for the past two weeks, so maybe things are finally starting to turn around. i'm no longer in that dark place i got to a few weeks ago. dare i say, i am even starting to feel somewhat optimistic.
the back still hurts but i've started to be nutritionally responsible and the scale is moving to the left and the tape measure journey around my middle has already been shortened by 1.5". i expect that the back pain will well and truly be gone with the loss of another good ten lbs.
i am still amazed by the quality of friends that i now have in my life. i don't know what exactly it is that i have done to get them but i sure as hell and glad they are there. they do more for me than i would ever expect anyone would want to do for me and i only hope they know how much i appreciate them being there.
we are about 6 weeks away from the arnold classic. this will be my first missed year since i started going in 2005. i may miss it this year but i am dayum sure i will be there next year. i expect that by this time next year i will be well and truly in control of my finances.
training is still going well in the gym thankfully. but this dayum shoulder of mine is still messed. i took a good two weeks off from training it directly and it was still sore that first week back. today is shoulder day and i woke up to all kinds of shoulder pain. currently i still intend to go in and try to do something. i might as well head in and give it a shot. the last two workouts i've had have been good ones but i have been skimping on the cardio. so worse case scenario i should at the very least hit the full shot of cardio if the training doesn't go as well as it could. providing of course, there is no temper tantrums.
enjoy your day!!!
the back still hurts but i've started to be nutritionally responsible and the scale is moving to the left and the tape measure journey around my middle has already been shortened by 1.5". i expect that the back pain will well and truly be gone with the loss of another good ten lbs.
i am still amazed by the quality of friends that i now have in my life. i don't know what exactly it is that i have done to get them but i sure as hell and glad they are there. they do more for me than i would ever expect anyone would want to do for me and i only hope they know how much i appreciate them being there.
we are about 6 weeks away from the arnold classic. this will be my first missed year since i started going in 2005. i may miss it this year but i am dayum sure i will be there next year. i expect that by this time next year i will be well and truly in control of my finances.
training is still going well in the gym thankfully. but this dayum shoulder of mine is still messed. i took a good two weeks off from training it directly and it was still sore that first week back. today is shoulder day and i woke up to all kinds of shoulder pain. currently i still intend to go in and try to do something. i might as well head in and give it a shot. the last two workouts i've had have been good ones but i have been skimping on the cardio. so worse case scenario i should at the very least hit the full shot of cardio if the training doesn't go as well as it could. providing of course, there is no temper tantrums.
enjoy your day!!!
Monday, January 19, 2009
january 10
i filmed the following on january 10 at my local gym. it was one of the best training days i've turned in, in quite some time.
enjoy!
enjoy!
Friday, January 09, 2009
lightening things up around here
you know it has been way too dark, depressing and serious in here for far too long. so to that end i submit a little levity.
it would seem that my father has purchased a new brand of instant coffee for the families dining 'pleasure'. you will never guess... walmart brand instant coffee. take your time, wrap your head around the smooth, delicate, yet rich columbus blend. i am convinced these are the beans juan valdez pee'd on.
clearly ross geller understands the horror!!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Tr0LmCTSdI0
it would seem that my father has purchased a new brand of instant coffee for the families dining 'pleasure'. you will never guess... walmart brand instant coffee. take your time, wrap your head around the smooth, delicate, yet rich columbus blend. i am convinced these are the beans juan valdez pee'd on.
clearly ross geller understands the horror!!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Tr0LmCTSdI0
p.f.u
one 591 mL bottle of coke zero plus a 1/3 of another add several fingers of antiguan rum... it's 12:15 am and i am pretty fawked up!!!
i used to be such a control freak... i used to be alot of things... now i'm just sitting in my bedroom heavy early in the a.m... pretty fawkin close to drunk off my azz watchin' episodes of dawson's creek on youtube.
i used to be such a control freak... i used to be alot of things... now i'm just sitting in my bedroom heavy early in the a.m... pretty fawkin close to drunk off my azz watchin' episodes of dawson's creek on youtube.
Thursday, January 08, 2009
happy new year
i hope you have all had a safe, happy and healthy new year. i wish nothing but the best for all of my friends in the coming year!!!
i've spent the better part of three weeks at home and frankly i am all over the panic button. tomorrow i will go and register with some temp agencies and see if there are other things i can do. i don't have clerical experience so likely i'll be hauling boxes in a warehouse. something that i know my back can't take right now.
i have been fighting demons for weeks and although it should be getting easier it's not. the itch remains, last night all i had to do was stay a little longer at the gym and a friend would have hooked me up. instead i came home and stayed up late drinking coke zero spiked with rum. a glass of which is currently 8 inches from my left hand.
so what's changed since the last post?. what has me adding fingers of rum to glasses of coke zero? is it just my frustration at the situation i put myself in? is it because i am scared that i will not be able to find my way out of this mess? or is it the fear that i seem to no longer be able to make anything but bad decisions?
i had an interesting new year's text exchange with a skate park friend. i wished him all the best and hoped that all his dreams would come true in 2009. apparently, as far as he is concerned every day he is living his dreams. he is living his dreams and i am still waiting for my life to begin. ain't life a b!tch?
i heard from my ex-coach. he lost his mother on new years day and he wanted to get me the information for her service. i do feel guilty about not going, but there is no reason to think that being around him is safe at this time. one of his old clients told me she is hesitant to attend as well, and will only attend if i do.
i am back on a regular training schedule. the shoulder injury remains and for the next little while i am avoiding direct delt training. shoulders is one of the areas that i need to focus on to help balance my physique, so the decision to not train them for a while is scary to say the least.
i am still trying to track down some information about employment opportunities in montreal. first and foremost i need an agency contact through which to seek work in my field. but mostly i need to find out about any possible language requirements. i can swear quite nicely in montreal's local version of french, but that skill set doesn't look good on a resume. my friend works in animation and when he moved there he didn't speak a word of french but he took classes and has since learned. the other 4 ontarians who went to montreal with him did not end up learning the language, so i guess in some fields bilingualism is not necessary??
well my friends alice is ducking back down the rabbit hole... until next time!!
i've spent the better part of three weeks at home and frankly i am all over the panic button. tomorrow i will go and register with some temp agencies and see if there are other things i can do. i don't have clerical experience so likely i'll be hauling boxes in a warehouse. something that i know my back can't take right now.
i have been fighting demons for weeks and although it should be getting easier it's not. the itch remains, last night all i had to do was stay a little longer at the gym and a friend would have hooked me up. instead i came home and stayed up late drinking coke zero spiked with rum. a glass of which is currently 8 inches from my left hand.
so what's changed since the last post?. what has me adding fingers of rum to glasses of coke zero? is it just my frustration at the situation i put myself in? is it because i am scared that i will not be able to find my way out of this mess? or is it the fear that i seem to no longer be able to make anything but bad decisions?
i had an interesting new year's text exchange with a skate park friend. i wished him all the best and hoped that all his dreams would come true in 2009. apparently, as far as he is concerned every day he is living his dreams. he is living his dreams and i am still waiting for my life to begin. ain't life a b!tch?
i heard from my ex-coach. he lost his mother on new years day and he wanted to get me the information for her service. i do feel guilty about not going, but there is no reason to think that being around him is safe at this time. one of his old clients told me she is hesitant to attend as well, and will only attend if i do.
i am back on a regular training schedule. the shoulder injury remains and for the next little while i am avoiding direct delt training. shoulders is one of the areas that i need to focus on to help balance my physique, so the decision to not train them for a while is scary to say the least.
i am still trying to track down some information about employment opportunities in montreal. first and foremost i need an agency contact through which to seek work in my field. but mostly i need to find out about any possible language requirements. i can swear quite nicely in montreal's local version of french, but that skill set doesn't look good on a resume. my friend works in animation and when he moved there he didn't speak a word of french but he took classes and has since learned. the other 4 ontarians who went to montreal with him did not end up learning the language, so i guess in some fields bilingualism is not necessary??
well my friends alice is ducking back down the rabbit hole... until next time!!
Tuesday, December 30, 2008
waving goodbye to 2008
in retrospect 2008 has not really been my year. i eagerly await the start of 2009. i can only hope that 2009 proves to be everything that 2008 was not.
i am still finding it difficult to remain positive and upbeat. i am still likely spending far too much time alone. i have also worked things out with the person i angered earlier... although we have yet to sit down and talk. i should add not for their lack of trying, but as i said earlier i'm not always feeling too social.
i have been thinking a lot about going away. moving away to be precise. i guess it sounds like running away but i am not really thinking of it like that. i have been wondering if, in some way, my time here has run its course. maybe if i was somewhere else i would finally be able to figure out the things that plague me. who the fawk am i? and what the hell am i supposed to be doing with my life?
an old friend is in town, one i know from my rollerblading days. he and i spent some time talking, and he has been trying to convince me to move to montreal. it has been his experience that montreal is more of a forgiving province than ontario. that more is accepted and there are less expectations. he says that montreal is the perfect place for square pegs to peacefully co-exist.
i have two really good friends who live there and from what france said when she was here visiting a few weeks back, i am still remembered favourably by some of the other skaters who still live there. the bodybuilding scene in quebec is also at a different level than where i live. bodybuilding is far more serious in quebec and some of our western provinces. maybe in quebec i could find a training partner i could actually keep.
i haven't exactly started to box up my belongings, but i really have been wondering about it. even my mother mentioned today that i should consider moving there.
in other news i trained with a friend yesterday and i managed to get a set a new deadlift personal record. i got 315 lbs off of the floor for 2 reps. of course she thinks i can pull even more than that. i think she said something nutty like 340 lbs for one rep.
i was pretty beat up after that workout so i took some of my christmas cash and i went and saw teri my sport's physiotherapist. she managed to re-align the vertabrae in my neck as well as my shoulder blades, ribs and hips. i left her office with a mobility i haven't felt in quite some time. i was supposed to train today but i don't think i can make it after all. i slept for almost 3 hours after my appointment, i have been up for almost 2 hours and my brain is still foggy and my movements slow. its already 9:00 pm and if i am not awake enough to train by now, even after a cup of coffee, (and yes, i know how you feel about me drinking coffee this late), then maybe i just need another night off?
i am still finding it difficult to remain positive and upbeat. i am still likely spending far too much time alone. i have also worked things out with the person i angered earlier... although we have yet to sit down and talk. i should add not for their lack of trying, but as i said earlier i'm not always feeling too social.
i have been thinking a lot about going away. moving away to be precise. i guess it sounds like running away but i am not really thinking of it like that. i have been wondering if, in some way, my time here has run its course. maybe if i was somewhere else i would finally be able to figure out the things that plague me. who the fawk am i? and what the hell am i supposed to be doing with my life?
an old friend is in town, one i know from my rollerblading days. he and i spent some time talking, and he has been trying to convince me to move to montreal. it has been his experience that montreal is more of a forgiving province than ontario. that more is accepted and there are less expectations. he says that montreal is the perfect place for square pegs to peacefully co-exist.
i have two really good friends who live there and from what france said when she was here visiting a few weeks back, i am still remembered favourably by some of the other skaters who still live there. the bodybuilding scene in quebec is also at a different level than where i live. bodybuilding is far more serious in quebec and some of our western provinces. maybe in quebec i could find a training partner i could actually keep.
i haven't exactly started to box up my belongings, but i really have been wondering about it. even my mother mentioned today that i should consider moving there.
in other news i trained with a friend yesterday and i managed to get a set a new deadlift personal record. i got 315 lbs off of the floor for 2 reps. of course she thinks i can pull even more than that. i think she said something nutty like 340 lbs for one rep.
i was pretty beat up after that workout so i took some of my christmas cash and i went and saw teri my sport's physiotherapist. she managed to re-align the vertabrae in my neck as well as my shoulder blades, ribs and hips. i left her office with a mobility i haven't felt in quite some time. i was supposed to train today but i don't think i can make it after all. i slept for almost 3 hours after my appointment, i have been up for almost 2 hours and my brain is still foggy and my movements slow. its already 9:00 pm and if i am not awake enough to train by now, even after a cup of coffee, (and yes, i know how you feel about me drinking coffee this late), then maybe i just need another night off?
Thursday, December 25, 2008
December 25th.
today there are no cute titles, we merely have today's date. i'm neither feeling particularly merry or happy but then i really can't remember the last time December 25th envoked that kind of response.
after my 5 week layoff, i worked concurrently for exactly 5 days before work dried up again. i found myself back at home watching copious episodes of CSI:NY and CSI. i've also recently found Dexter on TMN on-demand and i have already watched all 12 episodes of season 3.
last tuesday was a particularly strange day for me. i was haunted, i was incredibly agitated and i didn't know what to do with myself. it was as though there was a dark cloud overhead and i felt like i could easily let it consume me. the problem stems from the state of my finances, my inability to secure regular employment and of course the biggie... i haven't trained in days.
i can't remember the last time i was in to see either the massage therapist or the sport's physiotherapist. i don't remember but clearly my body does. i hurt almost everywhere. my neck, my collar bone, my shoulders, my lower back, my knees, my wrists and, sometimes it gets so bad it affects my ability to sleep. i have been taking time off but so far all that it seems to have achieved is missed training days.
i also recently found out that i had hurt a friend. seems i made another one of my poor decisions. although my intentions were not hurtful, that was the end result. i realize in hindsight what i have done. i acknowledged my mistake and i did apologize for my poor judgment. unfortunately this person now feels that they will need to be guarded around me and i can honestly say that is no way for anyone to live.
i would not want to have to remain on my guard around someone who was supposed to be a friend. i am not a perfect person. i have faults, many of them, if you have the time and interest i will sit you down and list them all for you. i will own my sh!t when i fawk up. the thing is, i don't always make the best decisions... usually in the spirit of lightheartedness or humour i will say or do something that hurts or offends. to say i get carried away sometimes is a poor excuse for bad behaviour but i will reiterate i do not do these things maliciously.
anyway here it is December 25th and my family is getting ready to head to my brother's place for dinner. as usual i am not attending. since i am in such a 'black' place emotionally i really don't trust myself to behave appropriately. i have a history of letting family take advantage of me verbally, and i never defend myself... much to the chagrin of a few of my friends. well in the place i am now, i don't doubt that i'd defend myself... what i can't guarantee is that i would do it in a manner that is either appropriate or adult. in my head i see me letting of a diatribe that includes every cuss word and variation thereof that i know. since telling family members to fawk off is not the true spirit of Christmas, my azz is staying home.
enjoy the holidays people and remember to play safe. i can't afford to lose anymore friends ;-)
after my 5 week layoff, i worked concurrently for exactly 5 days before work dried up again. i found myself back at home watching copious episodes of CSI:NY and CSI. i've also recently found Dexter on TMN on-demand and i have already watched all 12 episodes of season 3.
last tuesday was a particularly strange day for me. i was haunted, i was incredibly agitated and i didn't know what to do with myself. it was as though there was a dark cloud overhead and i felt like i could easily let it consume me. the problem stems from the state of my finances, my inability to secure regular employment and of course the biggie... i haven't trained in days.
i can't remember the last time i was in to see either the massage therapist or the sport's physiotherapist. i don't remember but clearly my body does. i hurt almost everywhere. my neck, my collar bone, my shoulders, my lower back, my knees, my wrists and, sometimes it gets so bad it affects my ability to sleep. i have been taking time off but so far all that it seems to have achieved is missed training days.
i also recently found out that i had hurt a friend. seems i made another one of my poor decisions. although my intentions were not hurtful, that was the end result. i realize in hindsight what i have done. i acknowledged my mistake and i did apologize for my poor judgment. unfortunately this person now feels that they will need to be guarded around me and i can honestly say that is no way for anyone to live.
i would not want to have to remain on my guard around someone who was supposed to be a friend. i am not a perfect person. i have faults, many of them, if you have the time and interest i will sit you down and list them all for you. i will own my sh!t when i fawk up. the thing is, i don't always make the best decisions... usually in the spirit of lightheartedness or humour i will say or do something that hurts or offends. to say i get carried away sometimes is a poor excuse for bad behaviour but i will reiterate i do not do these things maliciously.
anyway here it is December 25th and my family is getting ready to head to my brother's place for dinner. as usual i am not attending. since i am in such a 'black' place emotionally i really don't trust myself to behave appropriately. i have a history of letting family take advantage of me verbally, and i never defend myself... much to the chagrin of a few of my friends. well in the place i am now, i don't doubt that i'd defend myself... what i can't guarantee is that i would do it in a manner that is either appropriate or adult. in my head i see me letting of a diatribe that includes every cuss word and variation thereof that i know. since telling family members to fawk off is not the true spirit of Christmas, my azz is staying home.
enjoy the holidays people and remember to play safe. i can't afford to lose anymore friends ;-)
Monday, December 15, 2008
its beginning to look a lot like...
there are a lot of things to catch you up on. i guess the first is the results of my cardiac stress test. well, there wasn't one. i don't mean there wasn't a result but specifically i mean there wasn't a test. i went in for the initial consult, the cardiac specialist took a look at the two EKG's and prenounced them identical.
athletic individuals commonly have different 'normal' results than less athletic individuals. so the .27 of a microsecond delay in my heart rhythm is actually quite normal and is not indicative of any sort of underlying trauma or episode.
however, the specialist is concerned about how 'heavy' i train. those who train with heavy weights sometimes thicken the walls of the heart. tomorrow he is performing an ultrasound to assess damage. here is the best part, he told me why he was ordering the test and what it was supposed to assess. then he said that he didn't know how i felt about scaling back. i'm sure none of you would be suprised to know that comment earned the good doctor a 'look'. he then suggested we would talk about it later. he is clearly smokin' reefer!!!
in happier news, i recently had a friend from montreal down to spend the weekend. her and i had not seen each other in 6 years. what i still can't get over is how inconsequential a time period like 6 years can be between two friends whereas two others are unable to survive 6 months. nonetheless france and i had a blast. we laughed, we joked, we reminisced about the old days and old friends. but more importantly i think we forged a newer, stronger friendship. neither of us are actively skating anymore but with indoor skate parks popping up in both toronto and montreal, we realize just how much we still miss it.
i am finally back at work after spending 5 weeks at home watching ellen and csi ny. the slow down was only expected to be for a week but the end client insisted on a complete redesign of the line. i found out today that we are now 700 sku's behind schedule. hopefully this will bode well financially. what i do not look forward to is another 9 week gap in pay.
during my lay off my mother managed to back her car into mine. now my front bumper is folded up about as nicely as the back bumper. my mother was obviously visibly distressed and for the life of her could not understand why i could not stop laughing. i mean come on... it is a little funny.
athletic individuals commonly have different 'normal' results than less athletic individuals. so the .27 of a microsecond delay in my heart rhythm is actually quite normal and is not indicative of any sort of underlying trauma or episode.
however, the specialist is concerned about how 'heavy' i train. those who train with heavy weights sometimes thicken the walls of the heart. tomorrow he is performing an ultrasound to assess damage. here is the best part, he told me why he was ordering the test and what it was supposed to assess. then he said that he didn't know how i felt about scaling back. i'm sure none of you would be suprised to know that comment earned the good doctor a 'look'. he then suggested we would talk about it later. he is clearly smokin' reefer!!!
in happier news, i recently had a friend from montreal down to spend the weekend. her and i had not seen each other in 6 years. what i still can't get over is how inconsequential a time period like 6 years can be between two friends whereas two others are unable to survive 6 months. nonetheless france and i had a blast. we laughed, we joked, we reminisced about the old days and old friends. but more importantly i think we forged a newer, stronger friendship. neither of us are actively skating anymore but with indoor skate parks popping up in both toronto and montreal, we realize just how much we still miss it.
i am finally back at work after spending 5 weeks at home watching ellen and csi ny. the slow down was only expected to be for a week but the end client insisted on a complete redesign of the line. i found out today that we are now 700 sku's behind schedule. hopefully this will bode well financially. what i do not look forward to is another 9 week gap in pay.
during my lay off my mother managed to back her car into mine. now my front bumper is folded up about as nicely as the back bumper. my mother was obviously visibly distressed and for the life of her could not understand why i could not stop laughing. i mean come on... it is a little funny.
Thursday, November 20, 2008
the next step
well they have booked me in for the cardiac stress test. it happened the day after i returned the 24 hour monitor, but i am fairly certain the two events are unconnected. my doctor did say that she was probably going to order the stress test regardless of what the 24 hour monitor showed.
anyway i had another pretty good workout today. it could have been because i waited until i could walk, before i trained again. or it could be because i know that i will get paid tomorrow. or it is because i am well rested. sadly, work was not busy this week so i've spent the week at home. i guess that explains all the blog activity. :-D
i was doing an exercise today called a rack deadlift. basically the sign of a good deadlift is scarred shins. my sport its kind of nutty, we embrace our bruises, scars, scrapes and calluses. as i said it was a banner workout today, check out how my shin looked post workout. the really cool part is that i was wearing pants, in fact in one of the shots you can see part of the material.
i'm such a bad azz :-D
anyway i had another pretty good workout today. it could have been because i waited until i could walk, before i trained again. or it could be because i know that i will get paid tomorrow. or it is because i am well rested. sadly, work was not busy this week so i've spent the week at home. i guess that explains all the blog activity. :-D
i was doing an exercise today called a rack deadlift. basically the sign of a good deadlift is scarred shins. my sport its kind of nutty, we embrace our bruises, scars, scrapes and calluses. as i said it was a banner workout today, check out how my shin looked post workout. the really cool part is that i was wearing pants, in fact in one of the shots you can see part of the material.
i'm such a bad azz :-D
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