keepin' it light

my last blog posting was seriously dark and as there is nothing more to post on that front i choose to make this one a lot lighter.

i was at one of the bike meets the other day and one of the guys there started telling everyone that he weighed 150 lbs. when he said that my head snapped around and i looked at him like he was insane. i was seriously thinking 'dude, shut the fawk up!!!'. but it is what he weighed and he seemed to be proud of it.

something is seriously wrong with our society. here we have a male barely out of his teens, he is still a freakin' natural testosterone factory and a 5'8" the best he can do is 150 lbs???

yesterday i was riding my bike downtown and two dudes crossed the street in front of my bike. one guy was easily 6 ft. tall, dressed entirely in black and i would bet serious money that he was 120 lbs. soaking wet. to add insult to injury he had his pants half-way off his azz and a belt wound tightly to keep the pants in place. this boy-man couldn't have looked any freakin' skinnier if he tried.

it is getting really depressing, our society is so afraid of muscle and size that it is getting to the point where people are going to have to be naked before you can tell the men from the women. or, i guess if you just automatically assume that the most emaciated of the two is the man, your likely to be more right than wrong. feh!

oh and before i forget, yesterday's cheat meal :-)

a new challenge

at first i wasn't sure i wanted to blog about this. blogging makes it real. but one of the advantages to blogging is it helps me get things into perspective.

sunday morning i was still in bed when i became aware of my brother on the phone. he was making a 911 call. i leapt out of bed when i heard him say 'i think my mother is having a stroke.' my dad was in the kitchen and he was trying to hold my mother up in her chair. my mother was clearly unconscious and based on the gurgling noise she was having trouble breathing. as i got closer she started to vomit. i had my dad help me lower her to the ground and get her onto her side.

once on the floor the gurgling stopped and she seemed to be breathing again. i was still concerned with the 'food' that was likely still trapped in her mouth but her jaw was fully locked and there was nothing further i could do. her breathing improved and then she started to open her eyes and look around. she was confused at this point why she was on the floor and what had fallen on her clothing.

it took quite a while for the EMS to respond and when they got to the house she was fully conscious. being conscious and responsive meant they required her consent to take her and she wasn't interested in going. when they asked if this had happened before my father said that it had. that it had happened at the home before when it was just he and i here to handle it. i had completely forgotten the incident and am still only able to recall snatches of the event.

i've been understandably on edge lately. i find i can barely walk past her without stopping to ensure she is breathing free and evenly.

of course it doesn't end there. it's been a few days since her latest event and she still isn't feeling well. so with a little behaviourial subterfuge i contacted my oldest brother to get his wife to call my mother to check on her. my mother tends to react more to what her daughter-in-law says versus the rest of us.

they spoke on the phone for a while and janet convinced my mother to take her blood pressure and pulse. my brother called me and told me to stay on top of that, i found her log and emailed him the week's worth of readings. he forwarded the email to his wife and my other brother.

what i found out during my conversations with my brother is that there have been 3 such events since last may. this is not a good sign at all.

anyway janet has encouraged us to get my mother to call the doctor and see if she can get in to see him today. apparently her blood pressure is pretty low.

and now we wait.

asleep at the wheel

so it's been a while yet again. not sure how this keeps happening, i mean i think about things i want to blog about, i even start planning posts in my head. somehow that seems to be where things end.

i am still trying to find my next graphics contract. i've been without a gig a lot longer than i had hoped i'd be. i've applied to a couple of gigs and i've had an interview. it will take a couple weeks to find out if i got the placement, i am trying to stay positive. interviews are not my strong suit, i let the nerves get to me and i don't always seem to come across in the best light.

i found a visor!! i've been having some hardware and software issues at home and have been spending some time at my local computer stores. on one such visit i happened to notice a hat store and sure enough they had exactly what i was looking for, another trip to michael's for supplies and i now have a brand spanking new hat. it really feel's good to wear it, knowing what it represents and i can't help but feel it's had a positive effect on my mood and my training. more importantly it makes my friend feel good and that's a joy i can't explain.

we've been having some really sh*tty weather this summer. in fact i went to a biker event a couple weeks ago. the weather was fine and then suddenly this black storm cloud rolls in. it went from spitting to a full on downpour in the blink of an eye. i set out for home as soon as i could, riding along the highway would have been reckless so instead i took the city streets home.

it wasn't too long before with the wind and the rain made it impossible to ride safely, i ducked into a esso station and waited out the storm with a few other stranded riders. eventually i was able to safely make it home, i was completely soaked through but i was home safely. it was a pretty harrowing ride, particularly with all the lightening and thunder. but i guess riding is about dealing with whatever comes your way.

dieting is still going really well and the weekly cheat meals are still a blast!! the week after the denny's breakfast i went to lick's restaurant and had the turkey burger with cheese, fries a moose tracks shake. i've got before and after pics for your enjoyment. okay maybe it's for my enjoyment!!

coming together

i had my second cheat meal yesterday. the heartland scramble from denny's.

my weight has been hovering nicely around the 168 mark. i don't have any plans at this time to make any more dietary changes, but i may start thinking about increasing my carbohydrate intake a bit. the plan, when i do it, would be to add about 100 calories to my current daily intake. hopefully the weight would continue to remain unchanged.

i am starting to feel stronger again in the gym. that is either because the shoulder has been a lot better, or it is the little kick i am getting from the weekly, party in my face, cheat meals.

i am also convinced that i have made some improvements in my rather extended offseason, so sometime this afternoon i will be taking progress pics and comparing them to the last time i weighed 168 lbs. i am hoping to see more shoulders, more pec and more calves. that's not to say that i don't want to see improvements elsewhere, it is just those are the areas i feel lag the most in my physique.

the 'job' hunt continues, and i will be starting a 15 hour refresher course this week. school... fun, wow! it will be on monday and wednesday evenings so it may mean that i may have to adjust my training schedule to keep those evenings free.

still no new visor, but much of last week involved updating the online portfolio a very crucial portion of the job hunt.

at this point i do think we are looking at either a trip to lick's for the turkey burger or shoeless joe's for the bison burger and lattice fries!! for grin's i've also decided to start documenting my cheat meal fun. so, until next time...

the wrap up

well i finished the diet at 168.0. much better than the 194.0 i started off at back in january. i feel better and look better at this weight. i am not sure how many times i have to re-learn the lesson that i shouldn't allow myself to blow up like the michelin miche. i guess my learning curve is still a straight line.

my freelance contract also wrapped up this week so i am now in the hunt for a new assignment. the studio director gave me a lead for another opportunity, unfortunately it is downtown. but i will also apply with the freelance agency that has opportunities closer to home, or at the very least away from the ugly downtown core.

the shoulder is currently doing pretty well, so fingers are crossed that will continue. but today is my chest workout so there are no guarantees lol.

it has been really hard to find a plain white visor. i have found visor's with logo's already on them but i want a plain one. i think i will have to go to a uniform supply shop and see if they have a sample or something that i can purchase to put my friends initials on. i am determined to do that.

as you know i have been cocooning myself and doing a lot of thinking of late. well i have recently started to emerge from my self-imposed exile and start spending some time with some friends. there are some friends who actually don't find me distant and who have suggested that it might be time to thin the herd a little bit. it sounds harsh but maybe they do have a point. if the way i am, makes people uncomfortable and knowing that i make them uncomfortable makes me uncomfortable, then what is the point? especially when there are people i can hang with whom i am free to be myself, flaws included.

yesterday for example, i went to the annual caribana parade. i went with someone i hadn't seen in a while. we had a blast. it was easy, we talked, we laughed, we enjoyed the festivities, the atmosphere and the music. she told me about her wedding plans and i told her about the distant issue. she said something that really made me think. she said that one of the things that proved to her that her man was a 'keeper', was that he could accept the things about her that the men before couldn't. i have decided to add the same thought process to my circle of friends.

anyway i am in a much better place today and that has to be a good thing.

i took some pictures at the parade but until i get them developed all i have to share with you is this quick pic i shot with my cell phone.

did i ever tell you, you're my hero?

i met a woman at my first NiSS rollerblade contest back in '96 in new york. we remain friends to this day. she is incredibly supportive of my pursuits and often tells me that i am the strongest person she knows. i may have the strength to move more dead weight than she can, and i can move it over greater distances than she can, but my strength pales in comparison to her's. she has an inner strength the likes of which i have never seen. of which i could never emulate although i wish that i could.

she has twice faced the disease and both times she has beaten it. her attitude throughout was amazing and incredibly inspirational. she simply found out everything she needed to do and set about to do it. in comparison i find out that i have to sit out a few years of competitive bodybuilding. i completely fall apart and i drown my sorrows in 25lbs of cookies. i ask you, who really is the stronger woman?

today we had the conversation i never thought we would have again. it is time for her to fight again and still her attitude does not change. her approach is the same as before. suddenly it doesn't really matter who gets to turn pro and who doesn't. suddenly it doesn't matter which ontario federation is in the wrong. suddenly it doesn't matter that my shoulder hurts and i can't bench what i could before.

she isn't able to train at all and i know how much she misses it. the first time she got sick, i was still on the rollerblade tour. i painted her initials onto my helmet and i told her that every time i skated, she was skating with me. it probably made me feel better more than it really did anything for her, but maybe, just maybe it put some positive energy in the universe. i don't skate anymore but i do train so from now on every workout i do, she will be right there with me. i hope to send as much positive energy her way as i can.

she is hands down, the strongest person i know.

eureka... and other things

i've been spending a ridiculous amount of time watching the "buffy" series. i started watching joss whedon's "dollhouse" this past television season and after checking out the threads on the TWOP forums, i learned that "buffy" was considered by many to be the better series.

i mention the "buffy" marathon because a recently viewed episode sparked an epiphany. no i am not a slayer, vampire, witch or watcher. however, the jury is stil out on whether or not i am part demon. seriously though, someone questioned buffy's inability to sustain a relationship and it got me thinking about that 'distant' thing.

i think the distance is merely a defence mechanism connected to my trust issues. my primary mission in life being to protect myself from harm. right or wrong it is what i do, and unbeknown to me, it would appear that i do that with everyone.

so after this great insight, the question remains, what do i plan to do with this knowledge? well for now, i take comfort in an understanding of why i am the way i am. you may consider my resistance to change a cop out or a sign of weakness. but by my calculations, had i stood up in front of a room full of strangers, stated my name and my fatal flaw i would have been given a 'step 1' chip. so i figure that i am ahead of the game, (tongue firmly implanted in cheek).

moving on:

there has been a lot of sh!t going on within the ontario division of the bodybuilding governing body. for reasons unknown, there was a political coup and the CBBF has determined it will no longer recognize the OPA. in its stead we have the CBBF-ONT. both ontario federation's are fighting for membership, which has left a lot of confused athletes forced to choose sides. choosing sides would be infinitely easier if we really understood what happened in the first place.

we are uncertain who to believe, who to align ourselves with and what effect that decision might have on our bb aspirations. the sport already has enough problem's without this nonsense. my fear is that even more 'true' athletes will be lost in the shuffle.

a friend and i were discussing my disappointment with the dwindling numbers of professional fbbers who are not a part of the muscle p0rn scene. she suggested that i should lead the charge, rather than looking for the coming of an fbb messiah. that i should be that 'mass with class' bb pro.

i keep trying to tell this woman that i am no shepherd, that i am merely a sheep... and i am comfortable being part of the flock. there are people who are destined for greatness, natural leaders, the kind of people who go out of their way to institute change. i am not one of those people. athletically i have always been more of a 'workhorse' than a 'michael jordan', in whichever sport i was involved. i think i make a pretty decent amateur bber. i have an undeniable urge to compete, to see how far i can go in this sport, however, i do not for a second believe that i possess the genetic package required to make it to the pro IFBB ranks. since i have no interest in sticking needles in my azz, i would need to be pretty fawkin' genetically gifted to be able to stand onstage with the other pro's. i think it might be possible to gain pro status in one of the other bb organizations but it is my opinion that the only true organization is the IFBB.

ladies and gentlemen, i am not neo... and there is a spoon!

as promised a post-modification bike pic. my '93 ex-500 is a sexy beast!!!
















p.s: i almost forgot, i think i mentioned that often my first draft is written with a pen and paper. well this was one of those post's. so there i was leaving the tim horton's, where i had been madly scrawling down my thought's during my lunch break. i was working out the whole trust issue/self-preservation thing. with my thoughts in hand, i make my way to the car,when this dude comes jogging across the parking lot to chat me up and give me his number.

it's like rain on your wedding day, a free ride when you've already paid...

be careful what you ask for - part 2

first of all, i have not lapsed into a rip van winkle-esque coma. but i needed to re-think my "the bads". so i took some extra time to consider what i wanted to say.

i've never been one to participate in the 'us' and 'them' mind sets, with any of the sports i've been participated in the past. i didn't get the bmxers vs. the rollerbladers, or the skateboarders vs. the rollerbladers during my inline skating days. i really don't get the powerlifters vs the bbers or the strong men & women vs the bbers. i don't get any division within the iron sports.

but i currently find myself in full support of the division within fbb. i have mentioned before that there are bbers who are all about the dark side of the sport. bbers who's bodybuilding includes p0rn... mine does not.

lately it seems there are far more challenges facing prepping athletes who aren't about the dark side. while at the same time there seems to be nothing slowing down the progress of the others. which is just great, all the sport really needs is more fbb pro ho's in the professional ranks.

even though i find the dark side to be embarrassing and a blight on the sport, i did tend to turn a blind eye. my errant thinking was that since i wasn't a participant, as long as i lived in a respectful manner, what they did had little effect on me. which i should add is usually the sh!t they always say in their defence. but the reality is, the 'fans' of muscle p0rn errantly assume that ALL fbb's participate in muscle p0rn. secondly, it is even more difficult to be sponsored as an fbb because there isn't a company alive willing to tie its reputation to a muscle p0rn star.

so as my 'mass with class' sister's of iron dwindle in numbers due to health issues, prep issues, monetary issues or a lack of interest in where the sport is heading. the fbb pro ho's seem to be growing in numbers like a cancer.

the shoulder - i continue to have issues with my shoulder. i've been getting treatments by both terri and olivia. some weeks it feels like it's on its way back and other weeks i can barely press marshmallows over head. part of the problem stems from damages incurred during the rollerblading days, (the broken wrist, the separated shoulder and the multitude of rotator cuff tears). add to the the stress injury from some of the more dynamic movements i have added into my training of late, the lateral throws and the heavier push presses, i've ended up with a shoulder that no longer tracks properly and is filled with a lot of scar tissue.

the fatigue - oddly enough continues. i've changed my training from a 6 day a week split down to a 5 day a week, simply because i was too tired to make it through a full training week. i tried changing my off days and even how hard i was pushing myself on the gym floor, but i was still finding i was taking off more days than i was getting in. soldiering through the fatigue, who do nothing more than bring on another stomach episode. so i have learned to recognize the role that the fatigue plays and respect it with the time off my body craves. last week was the first training week i have completed since this madness began. i think i will slowly start ramping things back up and see how i do.

the mood - my mood has been sh!tty of late to say the least. between the stomach, the shoulder and the fatigue i have not exactly been little mary sunshine. but then one of my friends called me on it. she asked what was wrong as she was finding me to be distant and irritable. i guess in my head i was keeping my issues to myself but i have to admit the 'distant' thing really caught me off guard. i asked around and well i was more than a bit shocked to hear things like "well no more distant than usual". but i guess if more than one friend is feeling that, then i guess that makes it true. it doesn't make it any easier to hear, but i guess it makes it true.

i have probably reacted the wrong way to learning of my 'distant' nature. basically i've spent even less time with the friends who find me distant. i figure that while i am dealing with all the other crap, i'm less likely to be fun to be around. case in point, i did recently spend some time with a friend who finds me distant. and although she claimed she would not be affected by my moods suffice it to say, she is not the actress she thought she was, hurt was written all over her face.

yesterday i logged 230 km's on my bike. i went out by myself. not by necessity mind you, i had originally expressed interest in going on a group ride. but when push came to shove, i really didn't trust myself to be anyone. it probably wasn't my smartest decision as i was out on some country roads in the middle of nowhere, but i also didn't lose any friends yesterday so that is a good thing.

be careful what you ask for

i haven't been around. things have been both good and bad.

the good:

the weight loss effort - i've hit my interim goal weight. however, it's still not as tight as i'd like so i am dieting the rest of this month. i hope to come in a few lbs less.

the bike - the mods on the bike are complete and she is looking sweet, to say the least. i promise a pic in the not too distant future.

my work schedule - it has been over a month since i've had a 7-day work week. i am not too surprised to notice that the weight losses increased after i quit working for the gym.

my stomach - i have had fewer attacks and the ones that i have had are far less severe than before.

-going back to bed- more to come later

as the stomach churns

it has now been a week since i stepped down from my position at the gym. stepping down did not automatically bring an end to the gastric complaints. since it took a good 5 months of abuse to get to this point, it is likely going to take a few weeks before things settle back down.

it was a nice change of pace to be able to spend so much time resting this past weekend. and i was amazed how much stuff i was able to actually get done.

c'est tout!!

know when to hold 'em, know when to fold 'em...

and when to run.

my stomach attack started monday at 3:30 pm it continued through the day and into the night. in fact it made kept me up until sometime after midnight. i was still experiencing nausea the following morning.

during my lunch hour on tuesday, i drove over to the gym with my letter of resignation. clearly i can no longer do the 7 day work week. i plan to pass off my clients to other trainers so i won't have to go in at all this weekend.

change is on the horizon

well it is officially back. my trick stomach has been getting back to its old tricks. i regularly have attacks when i am at my design job. the nausea, the horrific cramping, the sweating, feeling faint... i have them or have had them all. i am getting pretty worried at this point. the last time it got bad, it was in 2001 i think, i spent 30 hours in the ER.

after that lovely experience in which i was convinced an alien baby was about to bust clear through my gut, i had a battery of tests performed and of course the results of the tests proved that there was nothing wrong with my digestive system. the best the specialist could come up with was that i had a 'nervous tummy' and had to learn how to manage my stress.

it has been about 5 months of 7 day work weeks, with the odd day off thrown in here and there. it is clear to me that something has to be done... and soon.

i have no intention of re-visiting the ER.

what hurts the most...

i find it odd, to say the least, that participating in physique sports automatically means that you are no longer allowed to be treated with respect and common courtesy.

it would be grossly inappropriate for someone to walk up to a plus-sized woman and proceed to tell her exactly how plus-sized she appeared to be. however, most physique athletes will tell you that they don't get the same courtesy. for whatever reason there is absolutely nothing inappropriate about pointing out how off-season an athlete gets. case in point, i was doing cardio when another member interrupted me to tell me that i had put on weight. like somehow the extra 50 lbs escaped my notice?

a dieting friend was told that her meal looked like dog food. dog food?!!! we have all seen some rather unusual ethnic fare and we know better than to disrespect someone's meal. why is that courtesy not extended to the physique athlete? why is it okay for someone to practically stick their nose in my plate and announce that they couldn't eat that? clearly no one is asking you to and if you'd be so kind as to move your fat head, then i can, because i actually want too.

or how about the people who talk about you in the change rooms? how they would NEVER want to look like THAT. first of all weight training does not make you deaf, we can still hear. i remember being introduced to a potential client at the gym. she was in her mid-50's, i am fairly confident she had never been to the gym before. while looking at me with disgust, she told the consultant that she did not want to end up looking like THAT. before me was a soft buttery physique, with a jiggly belly and with hips wider than her shoulders. now i know that i would never want to look like that, but i do have enough respect for my fellow man to keep my opinion to myself.

dave, who's routine i choreographed, told me about a time when he was training before the show. he was in the final stretch and was quite lean and quite vascular. apparently he had the pleasure of trying to do his set while some idiot was loudly demanding to know what steroids he was taking. isn't that the equivalent of dave asking the guy how many donuts it took to look like that?

not even in the comfort of my own home am i safe. my mother has an issue with how my clothes currently fit my off-season frame. even though i have assured her that i am losing weight, although i am told not fast enough. i am down about 15 lbs likely with another 10 lbs to go before i am happy. either way mother has been giving me the gears and/or poking me in the stomach. fun? not so much.

to 'help' she has been trying to buy me clothes and/or give me her hand-me-downs. she doesn't understand that it's not easy to shop for a muscular physique. it is my body and i often won't know what will or will not fit me. she also refuses to acknowledge that styles that appeal to her are likely not going to appeal to me. to be honest this whole experience just makes me feel self conscious and like utter crap. my father in his quest to be helpful suggested i start shopping at one of the plus-sized stores. ouch.

matters of the heart

so i checked this morning, it has been a good 3 weeks since i have posted. it's kind of amusing that is the reality, as in my head i've thought of many things i've wanted to blog about. i guess the lesson learned here is there is a huge variance between writing a post in your head and actually committing pixel to monitor.

one of the things i've been meaning to cover is the results of my cardiac tests. i believe i mentioned wearing a 24 hour heart rate monitor and the subsequent visit to the cardiac specialist. the good doctor looked at my EKG's and pronounced them identical and further did not think they suggested any sort of heart problem.

of course when he took a look at me and found out that i was a competitive bodybuilder he immediately ordered a cardiac ultrasound. he explained that heavy weight training effects the size of all the muscles in the human body, the heart muscle included. so he wanted to ultrasound my heart to see if it was enlarged from training. he said we would then discuss modifying my training and he wanted to know how i would feel about that. i'm guessing the smile on my face said exactly what i didn't.

the results of the ultrasound said that my left ventricle is 'slightly' enlarged. i really don't know what unit of measurement 'slightly' is, but i digress. the specialist told my doctor to recommend i stop lifting heavy, which she did. i smiled at her too.

if it makes them feel better to think that i am not going heavy, so be it. but here is the thing, from what i've read online it is inconclusive that heavy weight training alone enlarges the heart muscle. i can be enlarged by a multitude of factors including stress. well i think we can all agree that 2008 was a banner stress year for me. as well the articles state for heavy weight training to have any significant effect on the heart muscle the athlete has to be taking performance enhancing drugs.

which of course leads me to an important thought. even if heavy weight training did have significant effects on the size of the heart muscle, as a natural athlete who is in effect limited in muscular growth and strength by genetic predisposition, exactly how big could my heart muscle get anyway?

and while i'm asking questions, how do we know that my left ventricle was enlarged sometime during the last 9 years? how do we know that i wasn't born this way, after all this was my first cardiac ultrasound. sometime next year i will be having another, as i understand it, i will be having them annually from here on out. if they truly want to impress upon me the severity of this 'condition', they will need to tell me next time something a bit more conclusive. i want the report to say the muscle is bigger in some form of unit of measurement or percentage. 'slightly' or 'kinda' just isn't going to cut it.

and finally i leave you with the best part of this whole experience. the results of the 24 hour monitor. my average heart rate was 85 bpm and my resting heart rate was 66 bpm. but the coolest thing was during training my heart rate got up to 150-180 bpm! i'll guess that my 315 lbs squat got the 180 bpm. hmmmm i wonder what heart rate a 340 lbs squat gets??

WHAT??!! that is not sick :-P

a quickie...

hey friends,

just a quick one cuz i am at work.

training has been going better of late. i've been wearing a hat on the gym floor. okay so you are wondering what the hell is the difference a hat makes? well i pull the visor down dangerously low. 'dangerously'? why yes, the visor is almost upon my nose. i can't see much more than the weight in front of me... this of course includes any olympic bars that are protruding from the racks as well.

on the one hand it keeps me from seeing any of the other members and thus keeps me from being distracted by any looks of disgust. similarily it also allows me the ability to brain myself on errant 45lb bars. ahh... the things we do for love.

oh my gawd, look who has her 'funny' back.

well i have completed the first routine and now i am onto the second. i am really proud of how the first routine turned out. it is very fast, very dynamic and unfortunately it kills my shoulders to perform it. i will be going to see terri shortly. but the good news is that dave is happy with it!! now he just has a couple weeks left to learn it. but the time frame is due to his lack of availability not mine!!

looking forward to the second routine as it is in a musical genre more inkeeping with my preferred style. not to say i didn't enjoy the challenge of a posing routine set to metal... even if it did freak me the hell out before i started.

and finally... i giggle as i supply you all with the following url:
http://www.johnabutler.com/?q=node/284

enjoy your day friends!

uggh!!!

i am having a really hard time these days. i find myself struggling with what should be warm up weight. i can't seem to focus. while i am training, if i catch someone staring at me it messes with my head and i start wondering if they are judging me.

i know i have to get over this somehow. i know that i am supposed to ignore it and not let it get in my way, i just don't seem to be able to. i really need to figure out how to get my head outta my azz before i lose anymore valuable training time.

i am NOT liking me very much right now

the road to self discovery...

my reaction to the alleged rumour got me thinking and i think today i hit an epiphany about myself. of course i am not quite sure what to do with the information or even if there is any advantage to trying to do something with it.

everyone i spoke to about the alleged rumour told me the same thing, that i shouldn't let it bother me, that it was either a case of ignorance or jealousy. i don't dispute that is good advice, but i do have trouble with it's execution. why?

well i think i have figured that out. my early memories are filled with a consistent message, reconfirmed by most everyone. i learned that i wasn't much, i wasn't going to amount to much and that i was a fawk up. i now realize those lessons are what kept me seeking out competitive sport. i don't think so much of it was about the athlete within, although there is no doubt there is one, but i think a good portion of it was to finally find a ruler by which i could prove to myself and others that i was worthwhile and that i wasn't a fawk up.

so you may be wondering why my self worth is still in the sh*tter considering i have had some success within rollerblading and bodybuilding. my 'wins' didn't help to re-affirm anything for me. i just think that somehow the self doubt still manages to reign supreme and that i have just convinced myself that my 'wins' were a fluke.

i have a couple of friends who have been trying to convince me that i should just somehow be able to stop the self doubt and should no longer be a victim to the past. i have no idea how i am supposed to do that mind you. i guess until i figure it out i will continue to be the mess i have always been.

likely, i will continue to feel self conscious on the gym floor. i just came from a pretty good shoulder workout, it was only marred by a gym member glaring at me. i don't know his name, but after my first show he asked me a bunch of questions about my competition. his primary interest was if i competed in a tested or untested show and if i was in fact tested. since he spent so much of his workout looking at me with such disgust i can only imagine what he now thinks.

dave and i were supposed to meet today. he has yet to see his routine or start learning it. he has 3 weeks left before his show. this is going to be interesting. i will keep you posted. i am however pretty pleased with some of the ideas i've had for his routine.

where to begin??

when i was posting last february things were decidedly on course. perhaps i posted too soon?

one of the guys who where i am currently on assignment has been sick since the third week of january. i am talking coughing jags and extended nose blowing. this champ came to work every day as sick as he was. lucky for the rest of us... i caught his plague twice. once in february in which i lost a full week of training and again in march where i was out of the gym for 9 days. the woman who sits beside me caught it twice as well. and the woman to my other side i think was only out once.

all that time off slowed my physique recovery project down to a standstill. i estimate i am now about 4 weeks behind where i want to be.

as you probably recall i am a bear when i am kept from the gym too long. suffice it to say that i am fairly confident my family was this close to just grabbing a suitcase and booking for the nearest howard johnson's.

of course i was also surrounded with people who don't understand. i was constantly being told that 'it was only a week', or i was asked 'what did it matter since i wasn't doing a show this year'. it got to the point that it was just easier to remove myself from people than it was to continue to have those conversations that did nothing but upset me further.

there is some good news. i am helping dave get ready for his first show in 6 years. posing and choreography something i have really wanted to get into for some time. of course we all know that i am not the most confident of person in the world. so i am sure that it will not surprise anyone in the slightest to learn that i am just a little terrified. today we worked out what part of the song we are going to go with. now i just have to come up with the 60 seconds posing routine. mommy!!

and once again my friends the rumours about your's truly are circulating. i just found out today from dave that word in the gym is that i have 'crossed over'. this is not the first time i have been accused of using and although i know it won't be the last it still bothers the fawk out of me.

my logical mind knows that i am not supposed to care what other people think of me. my logical mind understands that i am supposed to take it as a back handed compliment. that in their eyes i look either too good, (Hah!!! hello jenny craig), or i am far too strong to possibly be a natural athlete. that is what my logical mind knows. but this is the reality... i am not hard wired that way. i care what people say and think about me. it doesn't matter whether it is said by people i dislike or people with whom i have no respect. i just don't like it. of course i found this out while i was still at the gym and before i trained. i cannot begin to tell you how uncomfortable and self conscious i felt.

still at it

since i last posted things have continued on a more positive vein and i truly am grateful. i am still working regularly although it is currently a bit slow today, which is why i am posting from work.

the physique improvement plan is still on course. i am currently down almost 8lbs. i am moving better, i am experiencing less and less back pain, my clothes are fitting better and of course i have less experiences with breathlessness. i haven't done anything crazy to make these changes. basically i cleaned up my diet, removed the infusion of cake, cookies, pizza, chips, and oh yeah bars. there is no weekly cheat meal. as i started a good 20lbs heavier than i should have been, there is no weekly cheat meal. thus it is clean eating up until i get down to my goal offseason weight.

i should qualify that, i have a target number in my head, once i achieve it i will assess how i look, if i still think its a tad fluffy for my offseason weight i may go down 5 or 10lbs further.

so beyond the clean diet, which so far includes only eyeballing food. i am diligently doing cardio, something which i allowed myself to slack on previously. nothing crazy, first of all the back wouldn't allow it. i started off walking on the treadmill for 20 mins, at the 8 minute mark i would be almost paralyzed by back pain. currently my cardio is still 20 mins post workout but it currently includes a 5 minute warm up and cool down, with a ten minute interval program in between. i am happy to report that my back doesn't seem to get tight up until about the 18 minute mark.

that is it, keeping it simple. making small and minute changes as required to keep me on track.

hope all is well with one and all

still aboard the injury train

well we have finally hit february and groundhogs the world over have predicted 6 more weeks of winter.

i am still in a pretty positive place even though i am currently rotating injuries. i somehow managed to injure myself getting into my truck and i had to spend a few days training around the hip flexor. that first day it was so painful i was having trouble walking. it seems to have gotten better on it's own. i am very thankful.

i finally went into see terri about the shoulder today. some of the treatment was so painful i honestly thought i might throw up. i am happy to report i didn't and as per usual terri made it all better. my right shoulder was more forward than it should be, and higher than it should be and my first rib had relocated itself as well.

and on sunday i went and checked out the new local skatepark.