the doctor is in

today's workout was a little different from most. i told my coach this morning that i'm having a lot of trouble with the high-rep workouts. he could not believe how much the high rep-low poundages bother me. he tried to explain to me that it was all part of the show prep game. what he fails to understand is that although my logical side knows that, the child within does not like getting her azz handed to her by light weights.

from there we got into my need to keep the show date a secret. i told him about the best contest i ever skated in. the highway was shut-down, i had to get to the contest site... so i skated. down some roads, ran through a field or two, hopped a concrete barrier, across a highway and got to there in time to warm up for 'street'. i guess all the excitement caused me to be more relaxed than i had ever been in my life. i skated like a champ and i won. that contest was covered by espn and it was replayed on tv for a few weeks. by the time i went to the next contest people knew my name. some were predicting an easy win for me, others were looking forward to seeing me skate live. all that attention freaked me out and i went on a tank bender that lasted for more contests than i care to admit.

my coach felt that i allow too much external influences to impede my focus. agreed. the problem is i don't know how to control that. as long as i skated in front of perfect strangers who, i felt, didn't have an expectations of me... i skated well and when they weren't strangers i skated like pooh.

his opinion about external influence brought him back to saturday's posing incident. he felt that i should not have payed any attention to the staff member who was mimicking me in the window. as i don't really get off on people making fun of me i tend to disagree. his theory is that the lad in question was not making fun of me but rather was being supportive. poppyc0ck!!

he told me that i shouldn't allow myself to feel as though the world is against me. he figures that because my family tends to run roughshod over my feelings and i have to 'take it', it makes me overly sensitive outside of the home and am quick to defend myself from attacks, that may not necessarily be attacks. he also said that if i was going to allow myself to be affected by the negative things that people say and do, i have to also allow myself to be equally affected by the good things that people say and do as well.

i can admit that some of what he says makes sense and has merit. but i also have to admit that i may not be able to change some of how i am. i've heard more negative things my whole life than i've heard positive... to the point where the positive stuff kinda freaks me out. i'm just never really sure how to handle/deal with compliments. i'm often very taken aback by compliments, i tend to doubt the legitimacy of them and quite flustered and unsure of how to handle them.

goofy perhaps... but all part of my charm