hmmm....

today i struggle for a title to my thoughts. my mood has been kind of off. i find myself pensive, down, pessimistic and i'm feeling more than a little sorry for myself.

as i said yesterday i spoke to my travelling parents. my mother, as is her way, always has to turn the conversation around to my social life or rather my lack of one. i can only assume that her time down south with my assorted well-meaning yet intrusive family members have filled her head with crap and her heart with hope. that's fine for them, they see her once a year. i am the one who has to live with the constant reminders that the rest of the world does not find me worthy.

i can't express how much joy it brings me to have these endless conversations wherein i'm told, for my own good of course, everything that is wrong with me and why i can't 'find somebody'. on a good day i'm not the most confident of humans and those who know me know that i can be hurt very easily. wether i choose to let them see it or not the fact remains, i can and am often hurt by people who claim to care for me.

i honestly can't say that i am eager for my parents return. i know i have ahead of me a good few weeks of "well your auntie so-n-so said this...", "your cousin whats-er-name told me to tell you...", and "your name-the-relation thinks you need to stop spending all your time...". yep, thats going to be all kinds of fun for me to deal with during my prep.

you know what miche thinks??? all of those people need to leave me the fawk alone!!!! clearly i suck at adult relationships, obviously i am supposed to be alone. is it absolutely necessary to make me feel like sh*t on top of that???

take your 'for your own good' and shove it where the sun don't shine!

i wish to end on a positive note. today i filled out my membership application for the bodybuilding organization that i plan to compete within. its an important step in this process. the next big step will be filling out the registration form for the show. for me that will be the 'no turning back zone'. although the truth of the matter is, there is no turning back. i will see this through, i have to finish what i started. for i am...

~the warrior~