in greater detail

i was asked today, quite vehemently i might add, why i did not choose to sit out the '07 season. why exactly was it so important that i compete.

well what can i say? there are things about me that i know. for example i know that i set out to do something last june that i feel was not done. i know the general consenus is that i should be proud of what i did last summer and to a certain extent i am, however i did not come close to the target that i set out for myself.

i have other friends who fear i am setting myself up for failure by unfairly comparing my physique to that of athletes who use. to that i say, there are a 6 people with clipboards a scant few feet from the front of the stage who are not saying 'ya know, for a drug free athlete who was born with poor calves and a tendency to hold bodyfat around her middle she isn't half bad'. no my friends they are more apt to note that competitor #56 needs to bring up her calves, dry out her legs and come in a little tighter in the midsection. the judges don't care who has used what to get to the stage. yes, there are limits to what i can achieve however, i can know that and still try to bust my azz to bring in the best condition i can. that seems to me to be more positive than simply saying it can't be done.

and further what about my piece of mind? for if i sat out this season i know i would forever be faced with what if's. did i sit out the season to heal or because i was afraid to fail? was sitting out the right decision? what if it was my year? it may sound like an awful lot to put oneself through for a $5 trophy but it's not for the trophy... i compete for more than that, i compete for my honour and my self respect. i compete because i am a comptitive athlete and it's what i do.

i don't expect everyone to understand, i do hope that most of you can support me in this venture and for those of you who can't... happy holidays.

the latest

last time i checked in with you i had just found out that my show date had been moved forward and i was reeling from the loss of two months growth.

since then i've had conversations with friends who've proposed i allow myself more healing time and either pick a later untested show or sit out the '07 season entirely.

the untested shows i'm told are fine at the lower levels as the majority of competitors are not aggressively using. my friends have all recently done shows at the 'lower levels'. now some of my friends have aspirations, they intend to go far in this game and as near as i can tell their approach has not been casual. as well some of those friends have told me that only the most blessed of nattys could competitively share the stage with those that use.

well ive listened to what all have said and i am still interested in redeeming myself at the show i did before. but i felt the final decision would be made after i discussed things with george.

friday night he and i sat down and he gave me a few more things to think about. first and foremost he predicts my next rebound will be worse than this one. i have to know that going in, to decide if i will be able to handle it emotionally. he felt he would have been remiss if he did not recommend i pick a later show or sit out '07 entirely. he asked how i felt about either option and i had to tell him that neither option appealed to me.

so then we got down to business. in order to be better prepared this time we discussed bringing me in a few percentage points leaner. he tells me my goal is 'tough to do naturally'. he also said that we know from last time that i 'stall out in the last three weeks'.

i wish he had told me that last june or even last july. it will be of no suprise to anyone who 'knows' me that i agonized over what went wrong. i knew i didn't cheat. i felt i had followed instructions to the letter. so i couldn't figure out where i had erred.

anyway the plan is to hit it hard. last time we tried to bring me in slow and steady. this time we will come in more aggressively allowing for more time for the final weeks. this time round my friends i'm going to suffer.

as cypher said to neo 'buckle your seatbelt dorothy, cuz kansas is about to go bye-bye'

wtf!!!

so i went to brantford last night to check out the last show of the season. a friend of mine had picked it to be her coming out party and what a cotillion it was! she didn't just make a buzz, she roared. justly so... i have never seen any athlete step on a level 1 stage looking so prepared. hell i'm trying to remember if i've seen a level 2 that prepared. if you can't tell i am pretty proud of her. hell i'm proud of all of my fbb friends each and everyone of them has had a banner year.

darrem charles guest posed. i love darrem, some of you know i've got mad love for 'marvelous' melvin anthony and i even have an extra special soft spot for the 'texas tornado' frank roberson. and based on a link sent to my by my friend army i look forward to fred smalls getting his pro card. you all know where i stand on the art of posing, so i won't bore you by repeating myself.

i passed darrem as he was leaving the venue. actually he almost walked into me. i'm not sure that would have been a bad thing, i would love to know what that kind of muscle feels like up close!!! ummm.... ahhhh... ok... what was i saying??? oh... yeah..... focus miche... so as i passed darrem i said 'that was an awesome posing routine', and as he thanked me i added ...'as always'. of course in true miche fashion the entire exchange happened with me in motion!! i'm a big ole chicken sh!t when it comes to the menz.

they had a programme with much of the 2007 schedule listed on it. of course i looked and there was a show on the date that i had expected the ontario naturals to be on. i was confused. it's not logical to have two shows on the same day. did that mean my show was the last weekend of june?

well i happened to notice the show promoter wandering around the venue. i kept wondering aloud if i should go ask him. my friend, who was probably tired of listening to me (lol) told me to go ask... so i did. well the long and the short of it is, the show date has been changed but not by a week or two. i found out last night that i have exactly two weeks left of offseason growth before i need to start dieting for the end of fawkin april!!!

the question here is, have i recovered from the horrific rebound i had post comp/post photo shoot?? as of yesterday morning 22 weeks our, i was a mere 36 fawking lbs over contest weight. ok for those of you who do not know, for an unassisted athlete 36 lbs over is all kinds of bad. sure i've added muscle along with that 36lbs but and this is the kicker! unassisted it is next to impossible to maintain the new muscle mass as i burn off the excess fat tissue. thus i could come in stringy and flat!!!

well i've talked to the man who coached me through my show prep and he feels i will be 'fine' and that enough time has passed and that my body will respond. since i tried dieting as recently as just before miami to no avail i'm not so sure. besides i did 'fine' last year... fine sucks... i want more!!!!

as soon as nature's source opens today i'm calling to book an appointment to see george. he did my diet last year... well actually he's been doing it for the past 6+ years. he will have a better idea if april is do-able for me. he also needs to know that i intend to be much better conditioned than last time. i'm thinking i need to be down closer to 10%. i think i was 14% last time and the pictures and placing tell the story. not nearly lean enough!!!

so most would ask am i upset or bothered about dieting through x-mas? actually now. no disrespect intended to my family but for the longest time i haven't enjoyed anything i've had at any family function. i had cake at my brothers birthday, pie at thanksgiving and it was all just disappointing... and the meals themselves???? yawn!!!

i'm upset about two things; being 7 weeks out at the arnold classic in march and only having two more weeks to add mass.

yikes!!!

oh well, if it was easy... everybody'd be doing it.

go time in two weeks???? stay tuned

just wanted you to know...

as i mentioned previously i have started training in the evenings and starting my day a little bit later. its only been a week so far but at this point it's looking pretty good. since saturday night i have amassed 40 hours of sleep... which is not bad at all. i find i am tired when i go to bed now and i seem to spend less time tossing and turning before i nod off. i am also sleeping through the night. as well the scale which went bananas after i returned from miami seems to be heading in a positive direction. here's hoping this works and i am not looking at a 24 week contest prep.

speaking of contest preps... going to the last show of the season this weekend in brantford. one of my friends from the boards is competiting. i am proud of her. hell i am proud of anyone who decides they want to compete and does the hard work... the diet, the exercise, the hours of cardio, the sacrifice, etc... trust me the journey to the stage is oft times a battle of will. everyone who makes it should be commended. saturday will be an exciting time.

wow... that's it till 2007... next show will be the arnold classic in march. yikes!! that feels so far away.

interestingly enough... time truly is relative. my march trip to ohio seems so far away however, i start dieting february 4th and that feels like it is just a few weeks away. LOL. must have something to do with spending half of the year dieting. i am not complaining... one half of the year dieting the other half of the year getting big... its what we do.

may you all have the very best day you can.

i've been thinkin again...

on to the new plan. I have decided that it’s time for a new plan. I based this decision on the simple fact that I am almost always exhausted. I need more sleep. without more quality sleep I will not grow, and I will not be able to control the body fat.

so what’s the new plan? well first starting next week I’m returning to evening workouts. I never get to bed by 9pm no matter what I try. the best I’ve ever been able to do was 9:15pm. more times than not I’m still wide awake till closer to 10:30pm. well if I am going to be up late anyways it makes no sense to get up at 4am. so I will be starting my day closer to 6am… except on the days when I have to train my a.m client.

as for clients. I’ve happily gone months without any new folks and within the last couple of months ive been getting more requests than I know what to do with. not enough to make a living off… but I’ve recently been asked by 3 people and they claim to specifically want to train with me. with my work schedule I have my hands more than filled with the two clients I have now.

here is a funny story for you. as some of you know I am on myspace. one of my myspace friends recently sent me email telling of a young friend of hers who saw my pic on her page and wants her to hook him up I guess. so she emailed me to find out how I felt about it. well… to say I am a bit hesitant is an understatement. she doesn’t have a very good track record with me. the last guy she attempted to set me up with spent the entire date telling me about how he met her, how sweet she was, how much fun she was… it didn’t take me long to realize that buddy was clearly out with the ‘wrong’ woman.

now I can’t blame this on my friend but my last experience with the fix-up went even worse. the guy who did the fixing claimed that he had a friend he thought I would like. I was told that this guy ‘looked’ like a bodybuilder. well of course I was curious. the young man also rollerbladed, albeit recreationally, so my friend thought it was a match made in heaven. well I met his friend and he had a basketball players physique. I know what your thinking well some of those ballplayers are kind of jacked. well with all due respect this guy was more like a chris bosch physique than say a karl malone (back when he was huge). so this little charmer and I went rollerblading partway through the skate he got hot and he took off his shirt. his shorts were riding way low and I had a confirmed view of much butt crack… that mofo was running commando!!! wtf?!!

home again... naturally

as i had originally planned i spent november 9-13th in miami checking out the NPC nationals. it is the last pro-qualifier of the bodybuilding season. as i am on a few bb boards it was no great suprise to realize that a lot of the competitors were people i knew from the boards.

i had hoped that elena seiple would finally be awarded her pro card but once again it just wasn't to be. mandy polk who had the misfortune of getting tangled in the ryan-titus mess was able to win her pro card after going through a pretty horrific year of bad luck and negative fall out. so i was pretty happy for her.

i also have to admit i become more and more of a fitness fan the more of these shows i attend. those women are out of their ever lovin mind. they will leap 800 feet into the air and then land in full splits. i wonder if they dont suffer from bruising and if any of that mess would affect their ability to have children at a later date?

i was a bit disappointed with bb to be honest with you. i just didn't feel like there were any entertainers on the stage. for the most part routines were mandatories with a musical backdrop. i longed for a melvin anthony, a vince taylor or even a king kamali type to bring the house down. i can't express how important i feel the night routine is to our sport. sure, everybody knows that all scoring is done in prejudging. nothing that happens during the night show has any impact on final placings.

you know what? as competitive athletes we have foisted our moody azzes on our friends and families as we prep for the big day. these same people, most often mere a fan of the person on stage and not of the sport, sit through endless shows just to get a chance to glimpse at us. we OWE those people a show. more than just being big, symmetrical and ripped on stage... we have to be entertaining as well.

oddly enough i ran into fbb pro's colette nelson, mimi jabalee and amanda dunbar outside of the south beach gold's on the friday. colette and i got into a conversation about the importance of the final routine. she basically had this to say, 'i used to worry about winning and finishing first... don't get me wrong, i still want to win but now i focus more on the performance... on owning that stage. i find i'm a lot more relaxed that way.' she then went on to speak of some of the more entertaining female posers she looks up to women like lenda murray and patterns her night routine after that kind of professionalism.

i ended up getting into a discussion about routines with one of the friends i was travelling with. we both come at the night routine from different angles... although we are both performers in our own right. she prefers to plant the audience full of family and friends who will scream for her. they more they scream the more she will perform. i on the other hand prefer to be in front of a room full of strangers. if i can get those strangers screaming for me... then i know i have done it. i was like that back when i was rollerblading as well.

i remember my week performing at a fair in ladsen, south carolina. every day i would drop in on the ramp taking a few set up airs, just to feel how the ramp felt. i would barely go over the coping. you see during warm ups we would often have a crowd gathered who would then stick around for the show. once the show started and they introduced me i would drop in and i would launch myself up out of the ramp as high as i could. you know what i always heard on that first air?? the entire crowd would gasp, by the time i aired off of my second wall they were mine. maybe that sounds bad... but it gave the audience a better show and i know doing it that way i gave a better show... so as near as i can tell, everybody won.

two more weeks until my friend does her first show. from all the pics of her i've seen, she is looking amazing. she is using the same guy to dial her in that i did... i have to remember to tell him that he better dial me in that tight next time cuz i know i wanna go on stage looking THAT good.

ok now what??

friday was a banner dan on the gym floor. i set a personal best in my front squat. the entire workout was a good one and i woke up saturday a.m. barely able to bend my legs. that made for a fairly interesting saturday as i had both conventional deadlifts and a cold, damp ride to the mechanics ahead of me.

with the limited mobility i didn't expect much out of my dead's. i mean first and foremost i had to bend my sore legs enough to get close enough to the bar to pick it up in the first place. well suprise, suprise... if i didn't manage to set a new personal best on back day too.

so by the time i slid into my long johns and my bike leathers my mobility issues had spread from my legs and into my back as well. thankfully the rain stopped and the roads dried up some on my way in. so what could have been a sh!tty ride, turned out to be... not that bad. i was however pretty dayummm cold by the time i got there.

maybe i should have re-thought my hip hop dance class. but i thought that the hippin' and the hoppin' might help to loosen up my legs and my back. clearly i was wrong, i was so very wrong. i left dance class with a painful gait. had i been a horse.. i'm sure i would have been taken out behind the barn and shot!

that is not where the story ends though. i slept fitfully. i imaging because i couldn't find a comfortable position. i woke up very hungry at 3:00 a.m. i figured i could have a shake and get back in bed, get up at 5:30 a.m and still make it in to work on time.

partway through my shake i was over come with the urge to faint. i put my head down on the table and willed the feeling to pass. when that didn't work it was on to plan b, get my azz back to bed before i passed out.

i couldn't have either of the parental units find me sprawled out on the floor. that has happened once before and it wasn't pretty. mom lost her mind. dad became somewhat maniacal with his smelling salt application. the fact that i had regained consciousness did not deter him in the slightest from constantly waving the ammonia under my nose. being of island heritage dad then jumped on the phone to call everyone he knew who offered a different 'cure'. i guess dad figured better to be safe than sorry and he tried them all.

i was given tea to drink... all i really know for sure is that it wasn't red rose. i am not really sure what was in the cup and it's likely best that i didn't know. i do remember my dad frying flour and feeding that to me. yes, you read that right... fried flour!! no i have no idea how you do that, i can only tell you that as far as taste sensations go... i encourage you all to give it a miss!!

trust me, the lure of mystery bush tea and fried flour is enough to encourage me to faint in my room... or should i not make it, get my azz in there before they find me!!

well this morning the walk down the hall took longer than usual. i had my hands out to help me find my way and i stumbled along as though i were drunk... but i made it. i fell on my bed and was instantly overwhelmed with an escalating body temperature, the sweats and ringing in my ears. i was like that for quite a while. fun? not so much. but eventually things calmed down. i thought about my half a shake still on the kitchen table and how much i would have liked to finish it.

then i thought about how far away the kitchen was and how i wasn't entirely sure i wouldn't pass out if i tried it again. so instead i decided to stay where i was and hopefully sleep it off. did i? i can't say for sure. i am at work but i definately don't feel right. i will consider it a victory to get through my shift without hitting the floor.

only 4 hours to go!! 3 if my client cancels.

its been a long time

so its been well over two weeks since my last post. and is it me or did the beginning just sound a bit like a confession?

first of all the things that are different:

1. i am happy to report that the extreme overtime situation at work, seems to have died down for a while.

2. my early morning client went on a business trip and i got to sleep in a couple days this week. i hope he gets the job and has to leave the country almost immediately.

3. my face has lost some of its puffiness so it looks like i may have dropped a few.

4. the stupid members at the gym who set me off, have since learned to leave me alone.

5. and the best news... i'm sleeping again.

of course for everything that is different much still stays the same. unless buddy boy gets hired as i mentioned earlier i still will have the a.m. client to work with. he comes back tuesday and thursday for the last two sessions he has paid for to date. then i will take the following week off, as that is the week im heading to miami for the NPC nationals. if he doesn't get the job and insists on finishing his 36 sessions, then i will take two weeks off after every 10 sessions. the gym has no interest in making any changes to my schedule, so i have to do what i can to limit the load on my own.

i still hate, dispise, grossly dislike, abhor and a few other good words the job that fills the balance of my day. well i had spoken at length with the woman from the agency that placed me, in the hopes that she might have other options for me. i have yet to hear from her. someone else was fairly confident there might be a positioning opening up someplace closer to home, but i haven't heard recently if that would be happening anytime soon. so the other day i started circling the industry classifieds. maybe i will find something... keep your fingers crossed.

i was taking naturopathic products to help me relax and sleep. i basically took them for a little over a week. when i stopped being wound up and started to sleep better on my own i started experimenting on going without them. so far i seem to be doing good on my own. i've never been one to rely on medication anyway.

oh i almost forgot hip hop dance classes have started back up again.%

the slide continues

last night was another night of poor sleep... and todays workout sucked! i threw a few small fits... and ended up tapping out of cardio early.

i am not looking forward to the hours i will spend at work today.

hang on dorothy... kansas is about to go bye-bye

its been one hell of an interesting past few days. oh my friends where to begin? well I guess the most logical start point is back where I left off.

I saw george on Friday. george has been calling my diets for the past 6+ years. I went to see him because of my inability to control and/or correct my weight. I had been searching for information on the internet. I wanted to find out what to do, should you find yourself in the unfortunate position of having put on waaaay to much weight post show. I could find thousand upon thousands of articles that tell you why you shouldn’t do it, but nothing to tell you how to handle it once the damage was already done.

I told george how I ate like a 6 year old the entire two weeks, (I was not allowed to train), post show. and how I then went back into full diet mode to try to get back into show shape for my photo shoot. after 5 weeks of hard dieting the 6 year old returned and I ate pretty much like that until I started with Jennifer. I told him how I was currently 33lbs over my contest weight and no matter what I tried; dropping calories, upping cardio… none of it had any affect whatsoever.

the condition I was in, was of great concern to george. he has known me for over 6 years and said that he has never seen me like that before. I had a certain wild-eyed panicked stricken look about me. I guess the good thing about that was that it helped george see that my concerns were genuine and causing me a great deal of stress. it is that stress that is keeping me from making any changes to my physique regardless of how and what I try.

so george has a bevy of ideas to try. the first of which is getting me to calm da fawk down before I implode.

so what about Jennifer? that my friends is a decision to be made later.

I didn’t sleep very well satuday night and I was in no condition to get up and go to work on Sunday morning… but I did. and maybe that’s part of what happened. a couple of members got it into their heads that they wanted to discuss with me, the supplement program of my ex-training partner. well I’m sure you can appreciate that this was not a conversation I intended to have and I told them that straight up. they however had every intention of discussing it… and to discuss it with me no less. well I work there so my reactions to member comments have to be tempered and I was doing my level best to do that. but I am a giant bundle of nerves without provocation. to add insult to injury they decided to compare her physique to mine. the long and the short of it, I tried to make a joke ‘what are ya callin me small?? dude… you never tell a bodybuilder that they are small.’

well these two members are real mensa giants and they just kept pushing till I couldn’t take it anymore.. well I couldn’t hit either of them I chose to slam my hand down onto the counter top pretty much as hard as I could. hard enough to cause the cash register to fly open all by itself, hard enough to crush the ring that I wear on my hand. I was literally shaking at this point I was that angry.

I decided to cancel my afternoon client and speed racer and I took our bikes out for a ride.

I am glad of two things yesterday… one that speed racer was free to go riding and two that jade started up on the first try. im sure had she decided to be finicky and difficult I would have ended up in my backyard in the fetal position screaming into my helmet.

the more things change...

the more they stay the same.

i cannot get the scale to move. this morning i cut off more calories. i have now cut a total of 800 calories off this bulking plan. why won't the scale move? why am i still 33lbs over contest weight??

i understand that stress factors into it... but with less calories going in, something should give.

so whats the new plan? i'm going to book an appointment to see george, the guy who has been doing my diet for the past 6 years. i want him to show me where the error is in this current plan.

and what about jennifer? well... i still haven't addressed my posing questions. partially because right now it's too fawking depressing to look as my fat azz in my posing suit. hopefully i can start to make some positive changes with my weight and then i can fix the posing. maybe one more month.

getting caught up

time to catch you up on the going's on in my life... or the lack thereof, depending upon whom you talk to.

it's sunday and i write this in the first hour of my gym shift. it's one of my worst performances on record. i am dead on my feet, i don't think i mailed in a shift this badly in the midst of show prep.

so what has me so tired and devoid of energy? simply i'm not sleeping. those of you who know are likely to give me sh!t. you will reiterate the importance of rest and subsequently growth. i will of course agree with you... however, there are two variables in my life that i can not seem to control; the length of my work day and my ability to shut my brain off and fall asleep. the longer my work day the more active my brain and the less i sleep.

i recently slept through my alarm and i missed half of a training appointment. i don't remember if i mentioned it but i now have a client to train for 36 sessions, tuesday and thursday mornings at 5:30 am. i used to sleep in on my three off days. now i can only sleep in on saturdays. since i've slept through that alarm i've been scared of sleeping through others. i'm afraid to sleep deeply and even more afraid to nap.

training throughout all of this nonsense has been amazing. i am moving way more poundage than ever before. in fact my big three total now sits at 655lbs (based on a 5-8 rep range).

the only downside is the scale. it has leapt to the right and it refuses to budge. i've talked over my weight dilemma with a variety of people because frankly it's really beginning to freak me out. 'coach jen' says not to worry about the added weight right now. she figures that my work schedule and lack of rest have me holding water, (which is one of the bodies stress responses). my boss who does my show prep training had this to say, and i will try to capture all of the eloquence of his statement. "you better quit that sh!t right now... see george.. do whatever it is you have to do... but fix that right now!!". one of my friends from the boards is currently 50lbs over her show weight and fails to see my problem. when i spelled it out for her she noted, "thats the problem with being natty".

well i'm not comfortable at this weight. and i sure as fawk don't want to have to drop 30+ lbs trying to get into show shape. so i've been hacking calories off of my diet plan. i've cut 600 calories off per day and i am currently doing 30 minutes of cardio per training day. my plan, and i do have one, is to be a respectable 155 lbs by the time i go to miami. once i stabilize my weight i will attempt to cut back to off season maintenance cardio. if i can't maintain my wieght with 20 mins of cardio i will have no other recourse but to shave off some more calories.

bodybuilding is a continuous learning process. it's about finding our how your body reacts so you can effectively maninipulate it to promote change.

and of course about being the biggest and the best LOL

there is no spoon

of late i've started to notice how live is actually a lot like the matrix trilogy... or maybe it's just my life? when the final movie came out alot of people were disgusted to find that it essentially ended exactly where the first one began.

i can see how as an audience we are frustrated by not having a story that was tidied up nicely. but i can see to that many of us live in circles. what was old, became new again. lifestyles put behind us are embraced again.

i live in my own circle. the more i change the more ultimately, i stay exactly the same. i've always lived a very 'safe' existance. now those of you who know of the years skating, skiing, alpine racing, snowboarding and now motorcycling riding... well you might feel the need to challenge that statement but trust me, it is true.

perhaps one of the many things that may have kept me from the upperechelon of rollerblading was my inability to step too far outside my box. i skated safe and in by doing so, i never really had the 'success' that i might have. in rollerblading fear breeds failure... or at the very least it can get you hurt! when i was racing my 'success' stalled when i was unable to 'push it' enough to get to the next level.

what about now? well there are those who believe that i am capable of far more than i have achieved thus far on the gym floor. that i can move much more weight than i give myself credit for. that may veryily well be true... it would be classic miche. even when i look like i am leaping far outside my box... it is a measured risk.

so if i myself cannot leave my past behind... then i can not be suprised when others can't leave their pasts behind either.

my friend in jersey is proud of me for many things, one of which is venturing outside of my box. i wonder though, am i really outside of it? or is it that i am just pushing the walls a little... so that the box itself is getting a little bigger?

i am not a religious lass... but i do hope that there is something in this universe that will protect us all from the choices we insist on reliving.

please be safe

oddly enough...

ya know when i was restricting my calories, cutting my carbs and/or removing them entirely i was not as b*tchy mcnasty as i am now. i'm having more calories than i ever have, carbs by the boat load and my mood is distinctly foul. the best i can come up with is that i was equally perturbed during show prep but since i wasn't getting the carbs and calories i needed i just didn't have the energy to do more than feel pissy. these days it is taking everything i have and then some to keep from slapping the taste out of somebody's mouth.

thankfully i have thursday and friday off of work. i was hoping to spend some time logging some more km's on jade but sadly mother nature looks like she has other plans.

catching ya up

i went to a bodybuilding show this past weekend. i got to see ifbb pro autmn raby guest pose. due to the funky nature of this sport i rarely get the opportunity to see pro fbb’s pose. saturday was a nice change of pace. i found autmn to be very engaging, she really interacted with the crowd… i liked that. she crawled around on the stage more than i would have liked but… well ya can’t have everything.

ever since i missed the opportunity to meet and talk to lenda murray i have made more of a concentrated effort to meet and or talk to other fbb’s. so i went over to autumn, got a signed picture and told her that i enjoyed her performance. she was very nice, and she wrote that she couldn’t wait to see me up on stage. i told her that i was currently bulking for next year and as i walked away she wished me luck. i’ve met pro athletes who know what it means to be a pro and sadly i’ve met others that haven’t a clue.

much to my immediate displeasure i have been given a new client at the gym. i know what your thinking. but miche when do you have time to fit a new client into your schedule. well i don’t so i’m really not too impressed about this recent turn of events. but i guess i have to suck it up if i want to keep things comfy at the gym. the new client starts tomorrow. he has purchased 36 sessions, two times a week, tuesdays and thursdays at 5:30 a.m the time is non-negotiable. so for the next 5 months i will only be able to sleep in on saturdays. so much for fawkin growing.

i have to buy my plane ticket for miami today. i already have my ticket to the show, the 2006 npc nationals. and now i have two athletes to cheer for; elena seiple and andrea gahan. i will also be rooming with andrea, so that’s going to be both interesting, entertaining and a tad scary all at the same time.

on my mind

lately there is always so much on my mind. i wonder if its a good thing or a bad thing that i spend so much time alone. because lately i spend so much of it thinking. thinking would not be bad if the thinking resulted in action or decisions but currently it just seems to result in... yup you guessed it, more thinking.

the online training thing is not easy. it's open to interpretation and i often wonder if i am doing what i am supposed to be doing or if i misunderstood. on one hand training is training but on the other i really want to make the most of this arrangement, while i have it.

work is clearly becoming a negative situation. i spend too much of my day unhappy, coupled with less days in the gym i find i am more easily agitated.

i am still trying to work through that trust issue i mentioned a few posts back. so far things are going well but it is early and i guess they could go to sh!t as quickly as they seemed to have gotten better. i am also trying to decide how i am going to spend this weekend. and more importantly will i be able to live with myself whatever i decide to do?

one of my friends is leaving. it is a shame because we barely hung out, but she has been there for me, in ways that some other people haven't been. i will miss her, but she feels that its time for her to head back home. tomorrow her and i will go for lunch. i intend to pick up the tab, to thank her for all she has done.

like i can afford to lose anymore friends. bah!

go speed racer

it's hard to get over the change that overcomes my friend when you add a few hundred cc's. she tends to show a more quiet and reserved exterior but get her on her bike and watch out!! she becomes animated to the enth power. she talks a bit louder, the gestures more emphatically, she figdets on the bike, she wriggles her legs on the pegs, she sticks her legs out to the side, when she is not on the bike she paces like a toddler that has to go potty and she makes these grandiose statements that crack me up. why? well because she is completely serious when she says them.

here are a few of my favourite speed racerisms:

once while trying to decide where to ride speed racer declared that we should 'just ride where the road takes us man', of course complete with the far and away hand gesture.

and today, again while trying to pick a direction to ride in she says 'we have all this...', a broad sweeping hand motion from her left to the right side of her body, '...and all of this', pointing to the restaurant directly behind her, 'but we dont have this'. i collapsed over my tank in a fit of giggles. i dont know what the fawk she was talking about but i've never seen anyone so serious.

zombie by day, vampire by night

now before you go running off to sharpen the stakes and/or clean the local grocery out of garlic allow me to explain. i've been experiencing sleeplessness or just all around poor sleep patterns of late. not much seems to be able to shut the neural activity off and my nights are full of tossing and turning. before its long its morning and i have to be up, only problem is that's when i am ready to sleep.

i am suffering and my training is affected as well.

i am really quite concerned about one of my friends, a very bad, very challenging situation continues to escalate. i am really not sure how much more my friend can take. even my friend is starting to feel well past the breaking point. when it gets dark like this my friend tends to cocoon and is very hard to reach. since i know how dark and desperate things are... i worry.

i had my mid-year review a couple days ago at work. suprisingly it went well, alot better than i expected. i basically was expecting as bad a review as last time. i have to admit the impending review contributed to my sleeplessness a bit as well.

today i called the placement agency i used when i was freelancing. i have to admit that i am truly not happy at work. i can't help but think that my decision to accept full-time employment there was a mistake. since most mistakes can be corrected, i am currently trying to explore my options before deciding upon my next step.

but the question is... will i sleep tonight?

to err is be human...

i am human, no really i am and i make mistakes... sometimes lots of them. i've made a couple recently and do you know what happens when i make a mistake? well i start agonizing over it, regretting it and wishing that i could undo it. but alas what is done is done, so without a delorean and a flux capacitor there is nothing i can do save learn from it and try not to do it again... and of course in my special case, sleep poorly.

i said something stupid to a friend yesterday. it was not meant in any sort of malicious way, i was trying to be funny i just didn't realize all of the implications behind my joke. i am sure she has probably forgotten about it which since it was offensive to her is good, i however will feel like an azz for some time.

on the weekend i sent a 'hey, hope your having a fantastic weekend and what do you think about this...', email to jennifer and last night i read on her members blog that things have been rough in her family since last week thursday. and again i wear the azz hat.

okay so we have covered my ability to err, what of my ability to forgive? well that is the other part of my recent bout of sleeplessness. can i trust someone who has let me down before? should i forgive and forget? and can i? i guess the answer is how would i feel if my friend from yesterday held my stupid comment against me??

can ya be too nice?

apparently the answer to this question is yes. and i for one find that odd. i have always believed that you put out in the universe what you hope to get back. so i tend to be nice, but some have told me that i am too nice. so what is the accepted level of 'niceness'?

if my friends have problems, need a friend or a shoulder to lean on i am there for them. well as long as they aren't crying. i don't do tears. hey... maybe i'm not that nice after all??

i do want to do something nice for my coach and his woman. i've recently heard from a fbb who had to change coaches mid show prep. considering how close the show date is, that's got to be rough. this trend as terrifying as it sounds in not that uncommon, particularly when one is being prepped by a competitive athlete. i spoke at length with another fbb who had a similar experience. she felt completely abandoned by her coach 8 weeks out from her first show. rather than get a new coach this fbb tried to gamely go it alone. doing all of the final prep herself.

i think she needs to applaud herself for her bravery and forgive herself for not 'coming in', in the shape she wanted to. as she was basically 'guessing' and going it alone she is a winner in spirit and internal fortitude.

my coach had a whole wack of sh!t going on in his life particularly in the final days before my show. but push to shove he was there for me. all my calls were answered or promptly returned and all my fears and/or concerns were addressed. his lady helped me alot as well. she was instrumental in my stage presentation. for my make up, stage colour, hair and oil she was there. i am sure i would have looked a royal mess without her.

i need them to know their efforts were appreciated. especially in light of my decision to 'offseason' under jennifer's guidance. i want to ensure my coach knows he is still my first choice and that come next year... i want the same people in my corner.