the road to self discovery...

my reaction to the alleged rumour got me thinking and i think today i hit an epiphany about myself. of course i am not quite sure what to do with the information or even if there is any advantage to trying to do something with it.

everyone i spoke to about the alleged rumour told me the same thing, that i shouldn't let it bother me, that it was either a case of ignorance or jealousy. i don't dispute that is good advice, but i do have trouble with it's execution. why?

well i think i have figured that out. my early memories are filled with a consistent message, reconfirmed by most everyone. i learned that i wasn't much, i wasn't going to amount to much and that i was a fawk up. i now realize those lessons are what kept me seeking out competitive sport. i don't think so much of it was about the athlete within, although there is no doubt there is one, but i think a good portion of it was to finally find a ruler by which i could prove to myself and others that i was worthwhile and that i wasn't a fawk up.

so you may be wondering why my self worth is still in the sh*tter considering i have had some success within rollerblading and bodybuilding. my 'wins' didn't help to re-affirm anything for me. i just think that somehow the self doubt still manages to reign supreme and that i have just convinced myself that my 'wins' were a fluke.

i have a couple of friends who have been trying to convince me that i should just somehow be able to stop the self doubt and should no longer be a victim to the past. i have no idea how i am supposed to do that mind you. i guess until i figure it out i will continue to be the mess i have always been.

likely, i will continue to feel self conscious on the gym floor. i just came from a pretty good shoulder workout, it was only marred by a gym member glaring at me. i don't know his name, but after my first show he asked me a bunch of questions about my competition. his primary interest was if i competed in a tested or untested show and if i was in fact tested. since he spent so much of his workout looking at me with such disgust i can only imagine what he now thinks.

dave and i were supposed to meet today. he has yet to see his routine or start learning it. he has 3 weeks left before his show. this is going to be interesting. i will keep you posted. i am however pretty pleased with some of the ideas i've had for his routine.

where to begin??

when i was posting last february things were decidedly on course. perhaps i posted too soon?

one of the guys who where i am currently on assignment has been sick since the third week of january. i am talking coughing jags and extended nose blowing. this champ came to work every day as sick as he was. lucky for the rest of us... i caught his plague twice. once in february in which i lost a full week of training and again in march where i was out of the gym for 9 days. the woman who sits beside me caught it twice as well. and the woman to my other side i think was only out once.

all that time off slowed my physique recovery project down to a standstill. i estimate i am now about 4 weeks behind where i want to be.

as you probably recall i am a bear when i am kept from the gym too long. suffice it to say that i am fairly confident my family was this close to just grabbing a suitcase and booking for the nearest howard johnson's.

of course i was also surrounded with people who don't understand. i was constantly being told that 'it was only a week', or i was asked 'what did it matter since i wasn't doing a show this year'. it got to the point that it was just easier to remove myself from people than it was to continue to have those conversations that did nothing but upset me further.

there is some good news. i am helping dave get ready for his first show in 6 years. posing and choreography something i have really wanted to get into for some time. of course we all know that i am not the most confident of person in the world. so i am sure that it will not surprise anyone in the slightest to learn that i am just a little terrified. today we worked out what part of the song we are going to go with. now i just have to come up with the 60 seconds posing routine. mommy!!

and once again my friends the rumours about your's truly are circulating. i just found out today from dave that word in the gym is that i have 'crossed over'. this is not the first time i have been accused of using and although i know it won't be the last it still bothers the fawk out of me.

my logical mind knows that i am not supposed to care what other people think of me. my logical mind understands that i am supposed to take it as a back handed compliment. that in their eyes i look either too good, (Hah!!! hello jenny craig), or i am far too strong to possibly be a natural athlete. that is what my logical mind knows. but this is the reality... i am not hard wired that way. i care what people say and think about me. it doesn't matter whether it is said by people i dislike or people with whom i have no respect. i just don't like it. of course i found this out while i was still at the gym and before i trained. i cannot begin to tell you how uncomfortable and self conscious i felt.

still at it

since i last posted things have continued on a more positive vein and i truly am grateful. i am still working regularly although it is currently a bit slow today, which is why i am posting from work.

the physique improvement plan is still on course. i am currently down almost 8lbs. i am moving better, i am experiencing less and less back pain, my clothes are fitting better and of course i have less experiences with breathlessness. i haven't done anything crazy to make these changes. basically i cleaned up my diet, removed the infusion of cake, cookies, pizza, chips, and oh yeah bars. there is no weekly cheat meal. as i started a good 20lbs heavier than i should have been, there is no weekly cheat meal. thus it is clean eating up until i get down to my goal offseason weight.

i should qualify that, i have a target number in my head, once i achieve it i will assess how i look, if i still think its a tad fluffy for my offseason weight i may go down 5 or 10lbs further.

so beyond the clean diet, which so far includes only eyeballing food. i am diligently doing cardio, something which i allowed myself to slack on previously. nothing crazy, first of all the back wouldn't allow it. i started off walking on the treadmill for 20 mins, at the 8 minute mark i would be almost paralyzed by back pain. currently my cardio is still 20 mins post workout but it currently includes a 5 minute warm up and cool down, with a ten minute interval program in between. i am happy to report that my back doesn't seem to get tight up until about the 18 minute mark.

that is it, keeping it simple. making small and minute changes as required to keep me on track.

hope all is well with one and all

still aboard the injury train

well we have finally hit february and groundhogs the world over have predicted 6 more weeks of winter.

i am still in a pretty positive place even though i am currently rotating injuries. i somehow managed to injure myself getting into my truck and i had to spend a few days training around the hip flexor. that first day it was so painful i was having trouble walking. it seems to have gotten better on it's own. i am very thankful.

i finally went into see terri about the shoulder today. some of the treatment was so painful i honestly thought i might throw up. i am happy to report i didn't and as per usual terri made it all better. my right shoulder was more forward than it should be, and higher than it should be and my first rib had relocated itself as well.

and on sunday i went and checked out the new local skatepark.

gettin' better all the time?

well i have been working steadily for the past two weeks, so maybe things are finally starting to turn around. i'm no longer in that dark place i got to a few weeks ago. dare i say, i am even starting to feel somewhat optimistic.

the back still hurts but i've started to be nutritionally responsible and the scale is moving to the left and the tape measure journey around my middle has already been shortened by 1.5". i expect that the back pain will well and truly be gone with the loss of another good ten lbs.

i am still amazed by the quality of friends that i now have in my life. i don't know what exactly it is that i have done to get them but i sure as hell and glad they are there. they do more for me than i would ever expect anyone would want to do for me and i only hope they know how much i appreciate them being there.

we are about 6 weeks away from the arnold classic. this will be my first missed year since i started going in 2005. i may miss it this year but i am dayum sure i will be there next year. i expect that by this time next year i will be well and truly in control of my finances.

training is still going well in the gym thankfully. but this dayum shoulder of mine is still messed. i took a good two weeks off from training it directly and it was still sore that first week back. today is shoulder day and i woke up to all kinds of shoulder pain. currently i still intend to go in and try to do something. i might as well head in and give it a shot. the last two workouts i've had have been good ones but i have been skimping on the cardio. so worse case scenario i should at the very least hit the full shot of cardio if the training doesn't go as well as it could. providing of course, there is no temper tantrums.

enjoy your day!!!

january 10

i filmed the following on january 10 at my local gym. it was one of the best training days i've turned in, in quite some time.

enjoy!

lightening things up around here

you know it has been way too dark, depressing and serious in here for far too long. so to that end i submit a little levity.

it would seem that my father has purchased a new brand of instant coffee for the families dining 'pleasure'. you will never guess... walmart brand instant coffee. take your time, wrap your head around the smooth, delicate, yet rich columbus blend. i am convinced these are the beans juan valdez pee'd on.

clearly ross geller understands the horror!!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Tr0LmCTSdI0

p.f.u

one 591 mL bottle of coke zero plus a 1/3 of another add several fingers of antiguan rum... it's 12:15 am and i am pretty fawked up!!!

i used to be such a control freak... i used to be alot of things... now i'm just sitting in my bedroom heavy early in the a.m... pretty fawkin close to drunk off my azz watchin' episodes of dawson's creek on youtube.

happy new year

i hope you have all had a safe, happy and healthy new year. i wish nothing but the best for all of my friends in the coming year!!!

i've spent the better part of three weeks at home and frankly i am all over the panic button. tomorrow i will go and register with some temp agencies and see if there are other things i can do. i don't have clerical experience so likely i'll be hauling boxes in a warehouse. something that i know my back can't take right now.

i have been fighting demons for weeks and although it should be getting easier it's not. the itch remains, last night all i had to do was stay a little longer at the gym and a friend would have hooked me up. instead i came home and stayed up late drinking coke zero spiked with rum. a glass of which is currently 8 inches from my left hand.

so what's changed since the last post?. what has me adding fingers of rum to glasses of coke zero? is it just my frustration at the situation i put myself in? is it because i am scared that i will not be able to find my way out of this mess? or is it the fear that i seem to no longer be able to make anything but bad decisions?

i had an interesting new year's text exchange with a skate park friend. i wished him all the best and hoped that all his dreams would come true in 2009. apparently, as far as he is concerned every day he is living his dreams. he is living his dreams and i am still waiting for my life to begin. ain't life a b!tch?

i heard from my ex-coach. he lost his mother on new years day and he wanted to get me the information for her service. i do feel guilty about not going, but there is no reason to think that being around him is safe at this time. one of his old clients told me she is hesitant to attend as well, and will only attend if i do.

i am back on a regular training schedule. the shoulder injury remains and for the next little while i am avoiding direct delt training. shoulders is one of the areas that i need to focus on to help balance my physique, so the decision to not train them for a while is scary to say the least.

i am still trying to track down some information about employment opportunities in montreal. first and foremost i need an agency contact through which to seek work in my field. but mostly i need to find out about any possible language requirements. i can swear quite nicely in montreal's local version of french, but that skill set doesn't look good on a resume. my friend works in animation and when he moved there he didn't speak a word of french but he took classes and has since learned. the other 4 ontarians who went to montreal with him did not end up learning the language, so i guess in some fields bilingualism is not necessary??

well my friends alice is ducking back down the rabbit hole... until next time!!

waving goodbye to 2008

in retrospect 2008 has not really been my year. i eagerly await the start of 2009. i can only hope that 2009 proves to be everything that 2008 was not.

i am still finding it difficult to remain positive and upbeat. i am still likely spending far too much time alone. i have also worked things out with the person i angered earlier... although we have yet to sit down and talk. i should add not for their lack of trying, but as i said earlier i'm not always feeling too social.

i have been thinking a lot about going away. moving away to be precise. i guess it sounds like running away but i am not really thinking of it like that. i have been wondering if, in some way, my time here has run its course. maybe if i was somewhere else i would finally be able to figure out the things that plague me. who the fawk am i? and what the hell am i supposed to be doing with my life?

an old friend is in town, one i know from my rollerblading days. he and i spent some time talking, and he has been trying to convince me to move to montreal. it has been his experience that montreal is more of a forgiving province than ontario. that more is accepted and there are less expectations. he says that montreal is the perfect place for square pegs to peacefully co-exist.

i have two really good friends who live there and from what france said when she was here visiting a few weeks back, i am still remembered favourably by some of the other skaters who still live there. the bodybuilding scene in quebec is also at a different level than where i live. bodybuilding is far more serious in quebec and some of our western provinces. maybe in quebec i could find a training partner i could actually keep.

i haven't exactly started to box up my belongings, but i really have been wondering about it. even my mother mentioned today that i should consider moving there.

in other news i trained with a friend yesterday and i managed to get a set a new deadlift personal record. i got 315 lbs off of the floor for 2 reps. of course she thinks i can pull even more than that. i think she said something nutty like 340 lbs for one rep.

i was pretty beat up after that workout so i took some of my christmas cash and i went and saw teri my sport's physiotherapist. she managed to re-align the vertabrae in my neck as well as my shoulder blades, ribs and hips. i left her office with a mobility i haven't felt in quite some time. i was supposed to train today but i don't think i can make it after all. i slept for almost 3 hours after my appointment, i have been up for almost 2 hours and my brain is still foggy and my movements slow. its already 9:00 pm and if i am not awake enough to train by now, even after a cup of coffee, (and yes, i know how you feel about me drinking coffee this late), then maybe i just need another night off?

December 25th.

today there are no cute titles, we merely have today's date. i'm neither feeling particularly merry or happy but then i really can't remember the last time December 25th envoked that kind of response.

after my 5 week layoff, i worked concurrently for exactly 5 days before work dried up again. i found myself back at home watching copious episodes of CSI:NY and CSI. i've also recently found Dexter on TMN on-demand and i have already watched all 12 episodes of season 3.

last tuesday was a particularly strange day for me. i was haunted, i was incredibly agitated and i didn't know what to do with myself. it was as though there was a dark cloud overhead and i felt like i could easily let it consume me. the problem stems from the state of my finances, my inability to secure regular employment and of course the biggie... i haven't trained in days.

i can't remember the last time i was in to see either the massage therapist or the sport's physiotherapist. i don't remember but clearly my body does. i hurt almost everywhere. my neck, my collar bone, my shoulders, my lower back, my knees, my wrists and, sometimes it gets so bad it affects my ability to sleep. i have been taking time off but so far all that it seems to have achieved is missed training days.

i also recently found out that i had hurt a friend. seems i made another one of my poor decisions. although my intentions were not hurtful, that was the end result. i realize in hindsight what i have done. i acknowledged my mistake and i did apologize for my poor judgment. unfortunately this person now feels that they will need to be guarded around me and i can honestly say that is no way for anyone to live.

i would not want to have to remain on my guard around someone who was supposed to be a friend. i am not a perfect person. i have faults, many of them, if you have the time and interest i will sit you down and list them all for you. i will own my sh!t when i fawk up. the thing is, i don't always make the best decisions... usually in the spirit of lightheartedness or humour i will say or do something that hurts or offends. to say i get carried away sometimes is a poor excuse for bad behaviour but i will reiterate i do not do these things maliciously.

anyway here it is December 25th and my family is getting ready to head to my brother's place for dinner. as usual i am not attending. since i am in such a 'black' place emotionally i really don't trust myself to behave appropriately. i have a history of letting family take advantage of me verbally, and i never defend myself... much to the chagrin of a few of my friends. well in the place i am now, i don't doubt that i'd defend myself... what i can't guarantee is that i would do it in a manner that is either appropriate or adult. in my head i see me letting of a diatribe that includes every cuss word and variation thereof that i know. since telling family members to fawk off is not the true spirit of Christmas, my azz is staying home.

enjoy the holidays people and remember to play safe. i can't afford to lose anymore friends ;-)

its beginning to look a lot like...

there are a lot of things to catch you up on. i guess the first is the results of my cardiac stress test. well, there wasn't one. i don't mean there wasn't a result but specifically i mean there wasn't a test. i went in for the initial consult, the cardiac specialist took a look at the two EKG's and prenounced them identical.

athletic individuals commonly have different 'normal' results than less athletic individuals. so the .27 of a microsecond delay in my heart rhythm is actually quite normal and is not indicative of any sort of underlying trauma or episode.

however, the specialist is concerned about how 'heavy' i train. those who train with heavy weights sometimes thicken the walls of the heart. tomorrow he is performing an ultrasound to assess damage. here is the best part, he told me why he was ordering the test and what it was supposed to assess. then he said that he didn't know how i felt about scaling back. i'm sure none of you would be suprised to know that comment earned the good doctor a 'look'. he then suggested we would talk about it later. he is clearly smokin' reefer!!!

in happier news, i recently had a friend from montreal down to spend the weekend. her and i had not seen each other in 6 years. what i still can't get over is how inconsequential a time period like 6 years can be between two friends whereas two others are unable to survive 6 months. nonetheless france and i had a blast. we laughed, we joked, we reminisced about the old days and old friends. but more importantly i think we forged a newer, stronger friendship. neither of us are actively skating anymore but with indoor skate parks popping up in both toronto and montreal, we realize just how much we still miss it.

i am finally back at work after spending 5 weeks at home watching ellen and csi ny. the slow down was only expected to be for a week but the end client insisted on a complete redesign of the line. i found out today that we are now 700 sku's behind schedule. hopefully this will bode well financially. what i do not look forward to is another 9 week gap in pay.

during my lay off my mother managed to back her car into mine. now my front bumper is folded up about as nicely as the back bumper. my mother was obviously visibly distressed and for the life of her could not understand why i could not stop laughing. i mean come on... it is a little funny.

the next step

well they have booked me in for the cardiac stress test. it happened the day after i returned the 24 hour monitor, but i am fairly certain the two events are unconnected. my doctor did say that she was probably going to order the stress test regardless of what the 24 hour monitor showed.

anyway i had another pretty good workout today. it could have been because i waited until i could walk, before i trained again. or it could be because i know that i will get paid tomorrow. or it is because i am well rested. sadly, work was not busy this week so i've spent the week at home. i guess that explains all the blog activity. :-D

i was doing an exercise today called a rack deadlift. basically the sign of a good deadlift is scarred shins. my sport its kind of nutty, we embrace our bruises, scars, scrapes and calluses. as i said it was a banner workout today, check out how my shin looked post workout. the really cool part is that i was wearing pants, in fact in one of the shots you can see part of the material.

i'm such a bad azz :-D

been caught thinkin'

first of all my apologies to jane's addiction for the creative liberties with their song title.

i have been doing some thinking and one thing that i can't quite forget, something that i appreciate far more than i have probably said out loud or here on this forum is how much i appreciate my friends.

it has been one of the darker periods of my life, and i am by no means trying to challenge the universe into upping the ante. but my point is that as dark as it has been for me, i've had some amazing support, encouragement and help from my friends.

i know that i have spent far more time feeling sorry for myself than i should. and i truly hope that all my friends realize how i could not have gotten through these past months without them. i may not accept your offers of financial assistance, but it does blow me away that you would even make them.

i don't deserve any of you... you all rock!!!

my doctor compared my 2008 EKG with my 2005 result and she wasn't happy. it is not life threatening but my heart beat has a different rhythm now. it is still within the realm of 'normal'. so to satisfy her curiosity about this anomaly she had me wear a monitor for 24 hours.

i guess she was worried i'd fall apart when she discussed it with me. but in light of the year i've been having. i'd have to say i took it very well. at one point she explained that she also planned to have me 'stress tested'. apparently, they slap back on the electrodes and get you running... RUNNING, no less on a treadmill. yikes!! she assured me that a cardiologist would be 'standing by'. she was not prepared for me to start giggling and ask 'exactly HOW much cardio are we talking about here?'. you see my friends, i'm up around 180 lbs right now. i am fairly certain that any running at this body weight will result with yours truly being on the business end of some paddles, whilst the air is filled with the battle cry 'CLEAR!!!'.

i was instructed to wear the monitor for 24 hours and carry about my normal activities. i was told to train if i was supposed to train. well here is where i got a little nutty. i thought back to the two EKG reports she showed me with all the peaks and valleys, and i started to wonder what a report might look like that had a 300 lbs squat in it. ;P so monday became leg day and i threw the bar on my back and had a little fun. i haven't been up over 305 lbs since i was pre-contest, so i started off conservatively. 10/205, 8/255, 8/275, 8/295 well at this point i knew i was good to go so i slapped on that third wheel, called my buddy rob to come up for a spot and dug in and got 4/315. i made sure to look up at the clock before both the 295 lb set and the 315 lb set. i am now anxiously awaiting my results.

oh and i took a picture of me in the change room post workout. you can see an electrode and some of the monitor unit sticking out of my shirt.

status quo??

i guess i've let a month lapse since my last posting and i really should update this thing. part of the reason why i am hesitant to post is that i am tired of continually posting bad news. as well i was also well and truly tired of dealing with it all.

i guess that would suggest that things are better now. i guess in some respects they are and in others... well it's not exactly status quo, so i guess that is an improvment after all??

i have been working 7 day work weeks for the past month. some days i am so tired that i can barely see straight. i'm currently working on a freelance project where i routinely put in, in excess of 40 hours per week. i will get paid hourly, when i do get paid. so all the hours amassed will go far towards getting me back on track, but first i have to get paid!

my weekend clients have yet to fully understand the gravity of my situation. there are frequent 'no shows' and last minute cancellations. once upon a time i was 'nice' and i allowed my clients to cancel with out charge, the morning of the appointment. that is likely the reason why i ended up in the boat that i am in. the gym had a 24-hour policy there to protect me and i was stupid enough not to take advantage of it. since i am desperately counting on the weekend income, to help keep me from living completly off my retired parents, i am no longer 'nice'.

finally, and i do mean finally, i have never heard of quite so many false starts and set backs as i faced while trying to get a debt consolidation loan. but finally the loan came through and the biggest and baddest of all my debts have been addressed. unfortunately the terms of the loan looked greater than what i could afford and i feared i had stepped from the frying pan into the fire. it's designed to take 5 years to pay off and i am not retired from competition until 2013. i'm sorry, this may be the wrong attitude but 5 years off, sounds like it's over to me. anyway, i was so upset by the loan details that i promptly backed my truck into a light post and damaged the rear bumper. damage i might add, that i am in no position to repair.

my body weight shot to an all-time high. i wasn't suprised by it, i mean i have been going through my own version of hell and i have been continually drownding my sorrows in tim horton's cookies. in the last week since things have been a bit more stable, i've stayed away from the cookie tray and my weight dropped several pounds.

it's funny, i can handle the body weight. i don't like what i see on the scale, but i can deal. i can deal with the frequent back pain that i face when i'm up this high. again i don't enjoy it. i can tolerate the rolls around my mid section and my ever expanding azz. i don't love it, but it doesn't upset me. what upsets me is what happens to my chest when i am carrying too much body fat. this lactating look has got to go. i cannot stand it when my girls call unneccessary attention to themselves. i am so much happier when i am weeks out from a show and the fawkin' things are basically deflated.

and in the words of the crew at merry melodies... tha-tha-that's all folks!!

BA miche

to get the title of this post you would have had to have paid attention to the a-team and you would also have to know the name of the character that Mr T played.

since i've been back working freelance computer graphics my family and friends have expected that i would be pretty excited by it all. fact is i am not. i am supposed to be relieved that my money worries will be behind me. of course i probably need to start getting paid. what i can't stop thinking about is the future. the days ahead of me where i will continue to get up and go to a job that does not excite or interest me.

basically i am still feeling sorry for myself. the thing is, i have taken the steps to right this mistake. i've started the debt consolidation process, well the paperwork has been done and approved. i am still waiting however for the funds to come through. i've completed my first two weeks of my contract, i can expect my first paycheque in another 6 weeks or so. i will get my last week of 'full-time' pay from personal training on friday. i'm hoping it will be substantially more than my car payment but i fear it might not be. which means i'm back to borrowing even more money from the bank of mom.

no one knows how long this contract position is going to last. but i go to work everyday and i do the best job i can. and when i'm away from work i really don't have anything to say about it. the work isn't difficult and for right now there is alot of it. now if someone insists on me telling them how i feel about my situation well i wish they wouldn't tell me how i am supposed to think. i wish they wouldn't tell me how i should feel.

i have noticed that i have been changing though. i remember how i used to be, back before i started skating. back then i focused on buying toys, i figured it was the only way to find some joy in my job. i adopted the 'chick who dies with the most toys wins' mentality. but then i found skating and i focused on making enough money to travel for skating. from then on i was drawn to adrenalin sports and far more interested in activities with higher risk potential.

so where am i now??? well i am thinking about taking up dirt bike riding next season and i hope to get out on my snowboard this season. of course one would wonder why i would want to do these things. i will be honest, i am really afraid that my retirement isn't temporary. and that i am going to be spending a really long time getting up everyday to sit in front of a computer. right now i think gaps, trails and halfpipes are the only things i've got going.

anyway i've got another 6 weeks of 7 day work weeks to face.

i can do this... one day at a time.

stop my life... i want to get off!!!!

for most of this year i've had the most interesting run of luck ever. there have been a couple of time's of late where i was sure my luck was about to change/due to change/had to change... but i am forced to admit that my streak continues.

mind you sunday past all of my troubles were almost behind me. i was out on the bike trying to log in the last couple hundred km's before the end of the season. i thought i could smell burning rubber but for the life of me, interesting choice of phrase, i could not find the problem.

eventually i stopped for gas, after a ride that included speeds marginally in excess of the posted highway guidlines. there i discovered a fender bolt had come loose and had been carving a channel into the sidewall of my front tire. as i understand it, front tire blowouts at high speed are not much fun.

today i was working late. i am back freelancing in computer graphics... gawd knows i'm fawkin' unable to make a living doing anything i actually fawkin' like.

anyway after work i headed over to the gym to train. of course i have forgotten to pack any pants to train in. so i jump back on the highway for the quick 10 min trip home. of course the highway is a mess and i'm stuck in bumper to bumper traffic.

i change into the workout pants and head back to the gym. my first working set of squats... hell it was my first rep... i feel the pants split.

i quickly rack the weight and head to the locker room to assess the damage... of course it's bad. i was about to head back home to change yet again when i realized that i would never get to bed, if i didn't get my workout done. so instead i decided to train anyway. i figured if i went heavy enough people would be too busy watching the bar to bother to check to see if my azz was hanging out. but in the interest of modesty, of which i do have in abundance, i draped my spare t-shirt from my waist band.

did the pants tear any further? of course they did.

i am seriously at my wit's end with this turn of luck

dammit can't a kid get a fawkin' break?

miche pity party of one... your table's ready

*sigh

and the rain continues to fall

you know i really had hoped that my next post would have been more upbeat, more light hearted and a hell of a lot more positive. it's been a while since i last posted an update and i am still pretty much down in the dumps.

on the work front i have applied to a few online postings and a call to the freelance agency yielded an interview that i am currently waiting to hear the final decidsion on a full-time position.

things are getting more uncomfortable at the gym. management is pressuring me to post more training hours. what i think they fail to understand is that i would gladly do more appointments per week. the problem remains that my clients have lives and have been cancelling or postponing their training because of it. thus i have gone from one of the 'heroes' to one of the 'zeroes' and in light of my financial situation it's just not a good place to be. when your a zero you don't get the new clients and you don't get the one's with potential either.

there also isn't much going on with my social life either. partially because i am so upset about everything that currently isn't going well in my life as well with everything in somewhat of a mess, i am not really motivated to be actively pursuing anything. suffice it to say that mr 'your schedule is too regimented', has finally figured out that anything between us was destined not to work. we haven't communicated with each other in quite some time. and the guy i do like, well he is so busy with his new job that he is unable to commit to anything either.

my training is going well with the body parts that i enjoy, however delt work, calf training and deadlifts continue to be a bane to my existance. it is funny i have been telling my friends for years about the limitations to my lifts. i have weaknesses where i should have strengths and vice versa. well one of my friends really couldn't understand how i could be strong in pressing motions for example, and doing lateral raises with practically the pink dumbells. we went to the gym the other day and i trained with her. she couldn't see anything wrong with my technique but there is definately something amiss. my best guess is that it has to do with the years of shoulder abuse from rollerblading crashes. i seperated my shoulder and tore both rotator cuffs a gazillion times.

my last paycheque was so meager that i actually had to go to the bank of mom to see if i could borrow enough cash to make it to the next cheque.

as well i am waiting to hear if my loan request has been granted for debt consolidation.

suffice it to say i haven't been handling all of this waiting very well. if you have stock options you may want to pick up a few thousand shares in tim horton's. while i have been down in the dumps i have been trying to drowned my sorrow's in cookies. what do you want from me... i don't drink.

country bugs know how to die and other stories

i'm home and it's late, or it's early, depending on how you look at it.

what am i doing up at this ungodly hour? what happened to my self imposed curfew? well there has been a lot of changes of late and to be honest, i am definately not handling them well. without a doubt the dream is over, the question remains for how long, my financial situation has NOT improved. and they are not going to improve unless i take action. even though i am working more training hours, than i ever did at the club i used to work at, it's not enough to keep up with all that i owe. the only chance i have for debt recovery is to returni to the world of graphic design. the problem is i hate graphic design. thus, there will be no return trip to the canadian nationals in 2009. to be honest i can't begin to imagine when i will be able to afford to compete ever again.

training has been going well. i have been trying some new things in the hopes of promoting growth. new exercises, different training protocols, different ranges of motion and increased lift speeds. i'm not sure how i feel about some of the changes. it's just so different from what i've done before... i often wonder if i have actually accomplished anything or if i just wasted my time.

you may be wondering where things stand with the 'lad' i went out with a few weeks back. it's not... next! okay let me explain. we have spent enough time talking for me to realize that he doesn't understand my lifestyle and i honestly don't get the feeling he respects it. now most of it is delivered under the guise of being a joke but since the joke is consistant i can't help find it rather telling. he has asked me if i didn't think that my lifestyle was 'too regimented'... i like him, not romantically, but i do think that he and i could be friends.

i have also made a couple of steps toward trying to start something with a guy i DO like. this guy lifts and he is serious about his training. he gets it, he isn't trying to 'tone' or get ab's. he told me that he admires what we do, that he himself could never be that diligent but he totally respects those of us who can. i've been sending him messages on facebook and in our last exchange i basically asked him out. nothing too crazy, a cup of coffee. let's see if he bites.

went out for a long ride today with the hamilton bikers. i was supposed to be taught how to ride the twisties but that didn't happen. what did happen was we rode the ramps and got into the twisties. with so many riders in our group, and with all of them with way more experience than i, i am often like i was holding up the group. frankly, it made me self conscious and my riding continued to fall.

those country bugs sure know how to make a mess of your visor. your riding along enjoying the piece and serenity when all of a sudden you see a projectile headed straight for your face. at the last second you hear a nasty thud-like popping sound and your helmet is covered in 'bug juice'. and in some really unfortunate cases you can still see the carcass hanging there. you don't notice you've hit city bugs until you take your helmet off at the end of the day. but a country bug hits your helmet like a 10lb bag of wet cement hits the ground!!

i have to bench tomorrow. i really better get to bed.

a whole lotta thinkin' goin' on...

and so while i try to figure things out... i live you with this. now i've never tried to add live video so here's hoping the first time is the charm (ETA it took two tries).


oh and that thing with the pseudo-date... ya that's not going to go anywhere. suffice it to say that dude got my spider-sense tingling.