the road to self discovery...

my reaction to the alleged rumour got me thinking and i think today i hit an epiphany about myself. of course i am not quite sure what to do with the information or even if there is any advantage to trying to do something with it.

everyone i spoke to about the alleged rumour told me the same thing, that i shouldn't let it bother me, that it was either a case of ignorance or jealousy. i don't dispute that is good advice, but i do have trouble with it's execution. why?

well i think i have figured that out. my early memories are filled with a consistent message, reconfirmed by most everyone. i learned that i wasn't much, i wasn't going to amount to much and that i was a fawk up. i now realize those lessons are what kept me seeking out competitive sport. i don't think so much of it was about the athlete within, although there is no doubt there is one, but i think a good portion of it was to finally find a ruler by which i could prove to myself and others that i was worthwhile and that i wasn't a fawk up.

so you may be wondering why my self worth is still in the sh*tter considering i have had some success within rollerblading and bodybuilding. my 'wins' didn't help to re-affirm anything for me. i just think that somehow the self doubt still manages to reign supreme and that i have just convinced myself that my 'wins' were a fluke.

i have a couple of friends who have been trying to convince me that i should just somehow be able to stop the self doubt and should no longer be a victim to the past. i have no idea how i am supposed to do that mind you. i guess until i figure it out i will continue to be the mess i have always been.

likely, i will continue to feel self conscious on the gym floor. i just came from a pretty good shoulder workout, it was only marred by a gym member glaring at me. i don't know his name, but after my first show he asked me a bunch of questions about my competition. his primary interest was if i competed in a tested or untested show and if i was in fact tested. since he spent so much of his workout looking at me with such disgust i can only imagine what he now thinks.

dave and i were supposed to meet today. he has yet to see his routine or start learning it. he has 3 weeks left before his show. this is going to be interesting. i will keep you posted. i am however pretty pleased with some of the ideas i've had for his routine.

where to begin??

when i was posting last february things were decidedly on course. perhaps i posted too soon?

one of the guys who where i am currently on assignment has been sick since the third week of january. i am talking coughing jags and extended nose blowing. this champ came to work every day as sick as he was. lucky for the rest of us... i caught his plague twice. once in february in which i lost a full week of training and again in march where i was out of the gym for 9 days. the woman who sits beside me caught it twice as well. and the woman to my other side i think was only out once.

all that time off slowed my physique recovery project down to a standstill. i estimate i am now about 4 weeks behind where i want to be.

as you probably recall i am a bear when i am kept from the gym too long. suffice it to say that i am fairly confident my family was this close to just grabbing a suitcase and booking for the nearest howard johnson's.

of course i was also surrounded with people who don't understand. i was constantly being told that 'it was only a week', or i was asked 'what did it matter since i wasn't doing a show this year'. it got to the point that it was just easier to remove myself from people than it was to continue to have those conversations that did nothing but upset me further.

there is some good news. i am helping dave get ready for his first show in 6 years. posing and choreography something i have really wanted to get into for some time. of course we all know that i am not the most confident of person in the world. so i am sure that it will not surprise anyone in the slightest to learn that i am just a little terrified. today we worked out what part of the song we are going to go with. now i just have to come up with the 60 seconds posing routine. mommy!!

and once again my friends the rumours about your's truly are circulating. i just found out today from dave that word in the gym is that i have 'crossed over'. this is not the first time i have been accused of using and although i know it won't be the last it still bothers the fawk out of me.

my logical mind knows that i am not supposed to care what other people think of me. my logical mind understands that i am supposed to take it as a back handed compliment. that in their eyes i look either too good, (Hah!!! hello jenny craig), or i am far too strong to possibly be a natural athlete. that is what my logical mind knows. but this is the reality... i am not hard wired that way. i care what people say and think about me. it doesn't matter whether it is said by people i dislike or people with whom i have no respect. i just don't like it. of course i found this out while i was still at the gym and before i trained. i cannot begin to tell you how uncomfortable and self conscious i felt.

still at it

since i last posted things have continued on a more positive vein and i truly am grateful. i am still working regularly although it is currently a bit slow today, which is why i am posting from work.

the physique improvement plan is still on course. i am currently down almost 8lbs. i am moving better, i am experiencing less and less back pain, my clothes are fitting better and of course i have less experiences with breathlessness. i haven't done anything crazy to make these changes. basically i cleaned up my diet, removed the infusion of cake, cookies, pizza, chips, and oh yeah bars. there is no weekly cheat meal. as i started a good 20lbs heavier than i should have been, there is no weekly cheat meal. thus it is clean eating up until i get down to my goal offseason weight.

i should qualify that, i have a target number in my head, once i achieve it i will assess how i look, if i still think its a tad fluffy for my offseason weight i may go down 5 or 10lbs further.

so beyond the clean diet, which so far includes only eyeballing food. i am diligently doing cardio, something which i allowed myself to slack on previously. nothing crazy, first of all the back wouldn't allow it. i started off walking on the treadmill for 20 mins, at the 8 minute mark i would be almost paralyzed by back pain. currently my cardio is still 20 mins post workout but it currently includes a 5 minute warm up and cool down, with a ten minute interval program in between. i am happy to report that my back doesn't seem to get tight up until about the 18 minute mark.

that is it, keeping it simple. making small and minute changes as required to keep me on track.

hope all is well with one and all

still aboard the injury train

well we have finally hit february and groundhogs the world over have predicted 6 more weeks of winter.

i am still in a pretty positive place even though i am currently rotating injuries. i somehow managed to injure myself getting into my truck and i had to spend a few days training around the hip flexor. that first day it was so painful i was having trouble walking. it seems to have gotten better on it's own. i am very thankful.

i finally went into see terri about the shoulder today. some of the treatment was so painful i honestly thought i might throw up. i am happy to report i didn't and as per usual terri made it all better. my right shoulder was more forward than it should be, and higher than it should be and my first rib had relocated itself as well.

and on sunday i went and checked out the new local skatepark.

gettin' better all the time?

well i have been working steadily for the past two weeks, so maybe things are finally starting to turn around. i'm no longer in that dark place i got to a few weeks ago. dare i say, i am even starting to feel somewhat optimistic.

the back still hurts but i've started to be nutritionally responsible and the scale is moving to the left and the tape measure journey around my middle has already been shortened by 1.5". i expect that the back pain will well and truly be gone with the loss of another good ten lbs.

i am still amazed by the quality of friends that i now have in my life. i don't know what exactly it is that i have done to get them but i sure as hell and glad they are there. they do more for me than i would ever expect anyone would want to do for me and i only hope they know how much i appreciate them being there.

we are about 6 weeks away from the arnold classic. this will be my first missed year since i started going in 2005. i may miss it this year but i am dayum sure i will be there next year. i expect that by this time next year i will be well and truly in control of my finances.

training is still going well in the gym thankfully. but this dayum shoulder of mine is still messed. i took a good two weeks off from training it directly and it was still sore that first week back. today is shoulder day and i woke up to all kinds of shoulder pain. currently i still intend to go in and try to do something. i might as well head in and give it a shot. the last two workouts i've had have been good ones but i have been skimping on the cardio. so worse case scenario i should at the very least hit the full shot of cardio if the training doesn't go as well as it could. providing of course, there is no temper tantrums.

enjoy your day!!!

january 10

i filmed the following on january 10 at my local gym. it was one of the best training days i've turned in, in quite some time.

enjoy!

lightening things up around here

you know it has been way too dark, depressing and serious in here for far too long. so to that end i submit a little levity.

it would seem that my father has purchased a new brand of instant coffee for the families dining 'pleasure'. you will never guess... walmart brand instant coffee. take your time, wrap your head around the smooth, delicate, yet rich columbus blend. i am convinced these are the beans juan valdez pee'd on.

clearly ross geller understands the horror!!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Tr0LmCTSdI0

p.f.u

one 591 mL bottle of coke zero plus a 1/3 of another add several fingers of antiguan rum... it's 12:15 am and i am pretty fawked up!!!

i used to be such a control freak... i used to be alot of things... now i'm just sitting in my bedroom heavy early in the a.m... pretty fawkin close to drunk off my azz watchin' episodes of dawson's creek on youtube.

happy new year

i hope you have all had a safe, happy and healthy new year. i wish nothing but the best for all of my friends in the coming year!!!

i've spent the better part of three weeks at home and frankly i am all over the panic button. tomorrow i will go and register with some temp agencies and see if there are other things i can do. i don't have clerical experience so likely i'll be hauling boxes in a warehouse. something that i know my back can't take right now.

i have been fighting demons for weeks and although it should be getting easier it's not. the itch remains, last night all i had to do was stay a little longer at the gym and a friend would have hooked me up. instead i came home and stayed up late drinking coke zero spiked with rum. a glass of which is currently 8 inches from my left hand.

so what's changed since the last post?. what has me adding fingers of rum to glasses of coke zero? is it just my frustration at the situation i put myself in? is it because i am scared that i will not be able to find my way out of this mess? or is it the fear that i seem to no longer be able to make anything but bad decisions?

i had an interesting new year's text exchange with a skate park friend. i wished him all the best and hoped that all his dreams would come true in 2009. apparently, as far as he is concerned every day he is living his dreams. he is living his dreams and i am still waiting for my life to begin. ain't life a b!tch?

i heard from my ex-coach. he lost his mother on new years day and he wanted to get me the information for her service. i do feel guilty about not going, but there is no reason to think that being around him is safe at this time. one of his old clients told me she is hesitant to attend as well, and will only attend if i do.

i am back on a regular training schedule. the shoulder injury remains and for the next little while i am avoiding direct delt training. shoulders is one of the areas that i need to focus on to help balance my physique, so the decision to not train them for a while is scary to say the least.

i am still trying to track down some information about employment opportunities in montreal. first and foremost i need an agency contact through which to seek work in my field. but mostly i need to find out about any possible language requirements. i can swear quite nicely in montreal's local version of french, but that skill set doesn't look good on a resume. my friend works in animation and when he moved there he didn't speak a word of french but he took classes and has since learned. the other 4 ontarians who went to montreal with him did not end up learning the language, so i guess in some fields bilingualism is not necessary??

well my friends alice is ducking back down the rabbit hole... until next time!!

waving goodbye to 2008

in retrospect 2008 has not really been my year. i eagerly await the start of 2009. i can only hope that 2009 proves to be everything that 2008 was not.

i am still finding it difficult to remain positive and upbeat. i am still likely spending far too much time alone. i have also worked things out with the person i angered earlier... although we have yet to sit down and talk. i should add not for their lack of trying, but as i said earlier i'm not always feeling too social.

i have been thinking a lot about going away. moving away to be precise. i guess it sounds like running away but i am not really thinking of it like that. i have been wondering if, in some way, my time here has run its course. maybe if i was somewhere else i would finally be able to figure out the things that plague me. who the fawk am i? and what the hell am i supposed to be doing with my life?

an old friend is in town, one i know from my rollerblading days. he and i spent some time talking, and he has been trying to convince me to move to montreal. it has been his experience that montreal is more of a forgiving province than ontario. that more is accepted and there are less expectations. he says that montreal is the perfect place for square pegs to peacefully co-exist.

i have two really good friends who live there and from what france said when she was here visiting a few weeks back, i am still remembered favourably by some of the other skaters who still live there. the bodybuilding scene in quebec is also at a different level than where i live. bodybuilding is far more serious in quebec and some of our western provinces. maybe in quebec i could find a training partner i could actually keep.

i haven't exactly started to box up my belongings, but i really have been wondering about it. even my mother mentioned today that i should consider moving there.

in other news i trained with a friend yesterday and i managed to get a set a new deadlift personal record. i got 315 lbs off of the floor for 2 reps. of course she thinks i can pull even more than that. i think she said something nutty like 340 lbs for one rep.

i was pretty beat up after that workout so i took some of my christmas cash and i went and saw teri my sport's physiotherapist. she managed to re-align the vertabrae in my neck as well as my shoulder blades, ribs and hips. i left her office with a mobility i haven't felt in quite some time. i was supposed to train today but i don't think i can make it after all. i slept for almost 3 hours after my appointment, i have been up for almost 2 hours and my brain is still foggy and my movements slow. its already 9:00 pm and if i am not awake enough to train by now, even after a cup of coffee, (and yes, i know how you feel about me drinking coffee this late), then maybe i just need another night off?

December 25th.

today there are no cute titles, we merely have today's date. i'm neither feeling particularly merry or happy but then i really can't remember the last time December 25th envoked that kind of response.

after my 5 week layoff, i worked concurrently for exactly 5 days before work dried up again. i found myself back at home watching copious episodes of CSI:NY and CSI. i've also recently found Dexter on TMN on-demand and i have already watched all 12 episodes of season 3.

last tuesday was a particularly strange day for me. i was haunted, i was incredibly agitated and i didn't know what to do with myself. it was as though there was a dark cloud overhead and i felt like i could easily let it consume me. the problem stems from the state of my finances, my inability to secure regular employment and of course the biggie... i haven't trained in days.

i can't remember the last time i was in to see either the massage therapist or the sport's physiotherapist. i don't remember but clearly my body does. i hurt almost everywhere. my neck, my collar bone, my shoulders, my lower back, my knees, my wrists and, sometimes it gets so bad it affects my ability to sleep. i have been taking time off but so far all that it seems to have achieved is missed training days.

i also recently found out that i had hurt a friend. seems i made another one of my poor decisions. although my intentions were not hurtful, that was the end result. i realize in hindsight what i have done. i acknowledged my mistake and i did apologize for my poor judgment. unfortunately this person now feels that they will need to be guarded around me and i can honestly say that is no way for anyone to live.

i would not want to have to remain on my guard around someone who was supposed to be a friend. i am not a perfect person. i have faults, many of them, if you have the time and interest i will sit you down and list them all for you. i will own my sh!t when i fawk up. the thing is, i don't always make the best decisions... usually in the spirit of lightheartedness or humour i will say or do something that hurts or offends. to say i get carried away sometimes is a poor excuse for bad behaviour but i will reiterate i do not do these things maliciously.

anyway here it is December 25th and my family is getting ready to head to my brother's place for dinner. as usual i am not attending. since i am in such a 'black' place emotionally i really don't trust myself to behave appropriately. i have a history of letting family take advantage of me verbally, and i never defend myself... much to the chagrin of a few of my friends. well in the place i am now, i don't doubt that i'd defend myself... what i can't guarantee is that i would do it in a manner that is either appropriate or adult. in my head i see me letting of a diatribe that includes every cuss word and variation thereof that i know. since telling family members to fawk off is not the true spirit of Christmas, my azz is staying home.

enjoy the holidays people and remember to play safe. i can't afford to lose anymore friends ;-)

its beginning to look a lot like...

there are a lot of things to catch you up on. i guess the first is the results of my cardiac stress test. well, there wasn't one. i don't mean there wasn't a result but specifically i mean there wasn't a test. i went in for the initial consult, the cardiac specialist took a look at the two EKG's and prenounced them identical.

athletic individuals commonly have different 'normal' results than less athletic individuals. so the .27 of a microsecond delay in my heart rhythm is actually quite normal and is not indicative of any sort of underlying trauma or episode.

however, the specialist is concerned about how 'heavy' i train. those who train with heavy weights sometimes thicken the walls of the heart. tomorrow he is performing an ultrasound to assess damage. here is the best part, he told me why he was ordering the test and what it was supposed to assess. then he said that he didn't know how i felt about scaling back. i'm sure none of you would be suprised to know that comment earned the good doctor a 'look'. he then suggested we would talk about it later. he is clearly smokin' reefer!!!

in happier news, i recently had a friend from montreal down to spend the weekend. her and i had not seen each other in 6 years. what i still can't get over is how inconsequential a time period like 6 years can be between two friends whereas two others are unable to survive 6 months. nonetheless france and i had a blast. we laughed, we joked, we reminisced about the old days and old friends. but more importantly i think we forged a newer, stronger friendship. neither of us are actively skating anymore but with indoor skate parks popping up in both toronto and montreal, we realize just how much we still miss it.

i am finally back at work after spending 5 weeks at home watching ellen and csi ny. the slow down was only expected to be for a week but the end client insisted on a complete redesign of the line. i found out today that we are now 700 sku's behind schedule. hopefully this will bode well financially. what i do not look forward to is another 9 week gap in pay.

during my lay off my mother managed to back her car into mine. now my front bumper is folded up about as nicely as the back bumper. my mother was obviously visibly distressed and for the life of her could not understand why i could not stop laughing. i mean come on... it is a little funny.

the next step

well they have booked me in for the cardiac stress test. it happened the day after i returned the 24 hour monitor, but i am fairly certain the two events are unconnected. my doctor did say that she was probably going to order the stress test regardless of what the 24 hour monitor showed.

anyway i had another pretty good workout today. it could have been because i waited until i could walk, before i trained again. or it could be because i know that i will get paid tomorrow. or it is because i am well rested. sadly, work was not busy this week so i've spent the week at home. i guess that explains all the blog activity. :-D

i was doing an exercise today called a rack deadlift. basically the sign of a good deadlift is scarred shins. my sport its kind of nutty, we embrace our bruises, scars, scrapes and calluses. as i said it was a banner workout today, check out how my shin looked post workout. the really cool part is that i was wearing pants, in fact in one of the shots you can see part of the material.

i'm such a bad azz :-D

been caught thinkin'

first of all my apologies to jane's addiction for the creative liberties with their song title.

i have been doing some thinking and one thing that i can't quite forget, something that i appreciate far more than i have probably said out loud or here on this forum is how much i appreciate my friends.

it has been one of the darker periods of my life, and i am by no means trying to challenge the universe into upping the ante. but my point is that as dark as it has been for me, i've had some amazing support, encouragement and help from my friends.

i know that i have spent far more time feeling sorry for myself than i should. and i truly hope that all my friends realize how i could not have gotten through these past months without them. i may not accept your offers of financial assistance, but it does blow me away that you would even make them.

i don't deserve any of you... you all rock!!!

my doctor compared my 2008 EKG with my 2005 result and she wasn't happy. it is not life threatening but my heart beat has a different rhythm now. it is still within the realm of 'normal'. so to satisfy her curiosity about this anomaly she had me wear a monitor for 24 hours.

i guess she was worried i'd fall apart when she discussed it with me. but in light of the year i've been having. i'd have to say i took it very well. at one point she explained that she also planned to have me 'stress tested'. apparently, they slap back on the electrodes and get you running... RUNNING, no less on a treadmill. yikes!! she assured me that a cardiologist would be 'standing by'. she was not prepared for me to start giggling and ask 'exactly HOW much cardio are we talking about here?'. you see my friends, i'm up around 180 lbs right now. i am fairly certain that any running at this body weight will result with yours truly being on the business end of some paddles, whilst the air is filled with the battle cry 'CLEAR!!!'.

i was instructed to wear the monitor for 24 hours and carry about my normal activities. i was told to train if i was supposed to train. well here is where i got a little nutty. i thought back to the two EKG reports she showed me with all the peaks and valleys, and i started to wonder what a report might look like that had a 300 lbs squat in it. ;P so monday became leg day and i threw the bar on my back and had a little fun. i haven't been up over 305 lbs since i was pre-contest, so i started off conservatively. 10/205, 8/255, 8/275, 8/295 well at this point i knew i was good to go so i slapped on that third wheel, called my buddy rob to come up for a spot and dug in and got 4/315. i made sure to look up at the clock before both the 295 lb set and the 315 lb set. i am now anxiously awaiting my results.

oh and i took a picture of me in the change room post workout. you can see an electrode and some of the monitor unit sticking out of my shirt.

status quo??

i guess i've let a month lapse since my last posting and i really should update this thing. part of the reason why i am hesitant to post is that i am tired of continually posting bad news. as well i was also well and truly tired of dealing with it all.

i guess that would suggest that things are better now. i guess in some respects they are and in others... well it's not exactly status quo, so i guess that is an improvment after all??

i have been working 7 day work weeks for the past month. some days i am so tired that i can barely see straight. i'm currently working on a freelance project where i routinely put in, in excess of 40 hours per week. i will get paid hourly, when i do get paid. so all the hours amassed will go far towards getting me back on track, but first i have to get paid!

my weekend clients have yet to fully understand the gravity of my situation. there are frequent 'no shows' and last minute cancellations. once upon a time i was 'nice' and i allowed my clients to cancel with out charge, the morning of the appointment. that is likely the reason why i ended up in the boat that i am in. the gym had a 24-hour policy there to protect me and i was stupid enough not to take advantage of it. since i am desperately counting on the weekend income, to help keep me from living completly off my retired parents, i am no longer 'nice'.

finally, and i do mean finally, i have never heard of quite so many false starts and set backs as i faced while trying to get a debt consolidation loan. but finally the loan came through and the biggest and baddest of all my debts have been addressed. unfortunately the terms of the loan looked greater than what i could afford and i feared i had stepped from the frying pan into the fire. it's designed to take 5 years to pay off and i am not retired from competition until 2013. i'm sorry, this may be the wrong attitude but 5 years off, sounds like it's over to me. anyway, i was so upset by the loan details that i promptly backed my truck into a light post and damaged the rear bumper. damage i might add, that i am in no position to repair.

my body weight shot to an all-time high. i wasn't suprised by it, i mean i have been going through my own version of hell and i have been continually drownding my sorrows in tim horton's cookies. in the last week since things have been a bit more stable, i've stayed away from the cookie tray and my weight dropped several pounds.

it's funny, i can handle the body weight. i don't like what i see on the scale, but i can deal. i can deal with the frequent back pain that i face when i'm up this high. again i don't enjoy it. i can tolerate the rolls around my mid section and my ever expanding azz. i don't love it, but it doesn't upset me. what upsets me is what happens to my chest when i am carrying too much body fat. this lactating look has got to go. i cannot stand it when my girls call unneccessary attention to themselves. i am so much happier when i am weeks out from a show and the fawkin' things are basically deflated.

and in the words of the crew at merry melodies... tha-tha-that's all folks!!

BA miche

to get the title of this post you would have had to have paid attention to the a-team and you would also have to know the name of the character that Mr T played.

since i've been back working freelance computer graphics my family and friends have expected that i would be pretty excited by it all. fact is i am not. i am supposed to be relieved that my money worries will be behind me. of course i probably need to start getting paid. what i can't stop thinking about is the future. the days ahead of me where i will continue to get up and go to a job that does not excite or interest me.

basically i am still feeling sorry for myself. the thing is, i have taken the steps to right this mistake. i've started the debt consolidation process, well the paperwork has been done and approved. i am still waiting however for the funds to come through. i've completed my first two weeks of my contract, i can expect my first paycheque in another 6 weeks or so. i will get my last week of 'full-time' pay from personal training on friday. i'm hoping it will be substantially more than my car payment but i fear it might not be. which means i'm back to borrowing even more money from the bank of mom.

no one knows how long this contract position is going to last. but i go to work everyday and i do the best job i can. and when i'm away from work i really don't have anything to say about it. the work isn't difficult and for right now there is alot of it. now if someone insists on me telling them how i feel about my situation well i wish they wouldn't tell me how i am supposed to think. i wish they wouldn't tell me how i should feel.

i have noticed that i have been changing though. i remember how i used to be, back before i started skating. back then i focused on buying toys, i figured it was the only way to find some joy in my job. i adopted the 'chick who dies with the most toys wins' mentality. but then i found skating and i focused on making enough money to travel for skating. from then on i was drawn to adrenalin sports and far more interested in activities with higher risk potential.

so where am i now??? well i am thinking about taking up dirt bike riding next season and i hope to get out on my snowboard this season. of course one would wonder why i would want to do these things. i will be honest, i am really afraid that my retirement isn't temporary. and that i am going to be spending a really long time getting up everyday to sit in front of a computer. right now i think gaps, trails and halfpipes are the only things i've got going.

anyway i've got another 6 weeks of 7 day work weeks to face.

i can do this... one day at a time.

stop my life... i want to get off!!!!

for most of this year i've had the most interesting run of luck ever. there have been a couple of time's of late where i was sure my luck was about to change/due to change/had to change... but i am forced to admit that my streak continues.

mind you sunday past all of my troubles were almost behind me. i was out on the bike trying to log in the last couple hundred km's before the end of the season. i thought i could smell burning rubber but for the life of me, interesting choice of phrase, i could not find the problem.

eventually i stopped for gas, after a ride that included speeds marginally in excess of the posted highway guidlines. there i discovered a fender bolt had come loose and had been carving a channel into the sidewall of my front tire. as i understand it, front tire blowouts at high speed are not much fun.

today i was working late. i am back freelancing in computer graphics... gawd knows i'm fawkin' unable to make a living doing anything i actually fawkin' like.

anyway after work i headed over to the gym to train. of course i have forgotten to pack any pants to train in. so i jump back on the highway for the quick 10 min trip home. of course the highway is a mess and i'm stuck in bumper to bumper traffic.

i change into the workout pants and head back to the gym. my first working set of squats... hell it was my first rep... i feel the pants split.

i quickly rack the weight and head to the locker room to assess the damage... of course it's bad. i was about to head back home to change yet again when i realized that i would never get to bed, if i didn't get my workout done. so instead i decided to train anyway. i figured if i went heavy enough people would be too busy watching the bar to bother to check to see if my azz was hanging out. but in the interest of modesty, of which i do have in abundance, i draped my spare t-shirt from my waist band.

did the pants tear any further? of course they did.

i am seriously at my wit's end with this turn of luck

dammit can't a kid get a fawkin' break?

miche pity party of one... your table's ready

*sigh

and the rain continues to fall

you know i really had hoped that my next post would have been more upbeat, more light hearted and a hell of a lot more positive. it's been a while since i last posted an update and i am still pretty much down in the dumps.

on the work front i have applied to a few online postings and a call to the freelance agency yielded an interview that i am currently waiting to hear the final decidsion on a full-time position.

things are getting more uncomfortable at the gym. management is pressuring me to post more training hours. what i think they fail to understand is that i would gladly do more appointments per week. the problem remains that my clients have lives and have been cancelling or postponing their training because of it. thus i have gone from one of the 'heroes' to one of the 'zeroes' and in light of my financial situation it's just not a good place to be. when your a zero you don't get the new clients and you don't get the one's with potential either.

there also isn't much going on with my social life either. partially because i am so upset about everything that currently isn't going well in my life as well with everything in somewhat of a mess, i am not really motivated to be actively pursuing anything. suffice it to say that mr 'your schedule is too regimented', has finally figured out that anything between us was destined not to work. we haven't communicated with each other in quite some time. and the guy i do like, well he is so busy with his new job that he is unable to commit to anything either.

my training is going well with the body parts that i enjoy, however delt work, calf training and deadlifts continue to be a bane to my existance. it is funny i have been telling my friends for years about the limitations to my lifts. i have weaknesses where i should have strengths and vice versa. well one of my friends really couldn't understand how i could be strong in pressing motions for example, and doing lateral raises with practically the pink dumbells. we went to the gym the other day and i trained with her. she couldn't see anything wrong with my technique but there is definately something amiss. my best guess is that it has to do with the years of shoulder abuse from rollerblading crashes. i seperated my shoulder and tore both rotator cuffs a gazillion times.

my last paycheque was so meager that i actually had to go to the bank of mom to see if i could borrow enough cash to make it to the next cheque.

as well i am waiting to hear if my loan request has been granted for debt consolidation.

suffice it to say i haven't been handling all of this waiting very well. if you have stock options you may want to pick up a few thousand shares in tim horton's. while i have been down in the dumps i have been trying to drowned my sorrow's in cookies. what do you want from me... i don't drink.

country bugs know how to die and other stories

i'm home and it's late, or it's early, depending on how you look at it.

what am i doing up at this ungodly hour? what happened to my self imposed curfew? well there has been a lot of changes of late and to be honest, i am definately not handling them well. without a doubt the dream is over, the question remains for how long, my financial situation has NOT improved. and they are not going to improve unless i take action. even though i am working more training hours, than i ever did at the club i used to work at, it's not enough to keep up with all that i owe. the only chance i have for debt recovery is to returni to the world of graphic design. the problem is i hate graphic design. thus, there will be no return trip to the canadian nationals in 2009. to be honest i can't begin to imagine when i will be able to afford to compete ever again.

training has been going well. i have been trying some new things in the hopes of promoting growth. new exercises, different training protocols, different ranges of motion and increased lift speeds. i'm not sure how i feel about some of the changes. it's just so different from what i've done before... i often wonder if i have actually accomplished anything or if i just wasted my time.

you may be wondering where things stand with the 'lad' i went out with a few weeks back. it's not... next! okay let me explain. we have spent enough time talking for me to realize that he doesn't understand my lifestyle and i honestly don't get the feeling he respects it. now most of it is delivered under the guise of being a joke but since the joke is consistant i can't help find it rather telling. he has asked me if i didn't think that my lifestyle was 'too regimented'... i like him, not romantically, but i do think that he and i could be friends.

i have also made a couple of steps toward trying to start something with a guy i DO like. this guy lifts and he is serious about his training. he gets it, he isn't trying to 'tone' or get ab's. he told me that he admires what we do, that he himself could never be that diligent but he totally respects those of us who can. i've been sending him messages on facebook and in our last exchange i basically asked him out. nothing too crazy, a cup of coffee. let's see if he bites.

went out for a long ride today with the hamilton bikers. i was supposed to be taught how to ride the twisties but that didn't happen. what did happen was we rode the ramps and got into the twisties. with so many riders in our group, and with all of them with way more experience than i, i am often like i was holding up the group. frankly, it made me self conscious and my riding continued to fall.

those country bugs sure know how to make a mess of your visor. your riding along enjoying the piece and serenity when all of a sudden you see a projectile headed straight for your face. at the last second you hear a nasty thud-like popping sound and your helmet is covered in 'bug juice'. and in some really unfortunate cases you can still see the carcass hanging there. you don't notice you've hit city bugs until you take your helmet off at the end of the day. but a country bug hits your helmet like a 10lb bag of wet cement hits the ground!!

i have to bench tomorrow. i really better get to bed.

a whole lotta thinkin' goin' on...

and so while i try to figure things out... i live you with this. now i've never tried to add live video so here's hoping the first time is the charm (ETA it took two tries).


oh and that thing with the pseudo-date... ya that's not going to go anywhere. suffice it to say that dude got my spider-sense tingling.

it's like a free ride when you've already paid...

yes isn't it ironic... don't you think?

my last blog i complained about the reaction of my family and friends to my lack of social life and as i sit here typing this blog i struggle to determine if i actually just had a date. is there a checklist on the internet somewhere that i could look up. was it a date? or was it just hanging out? i really have no idea.

i have never been one who was able to determine when someone liked me. it stems from all of my 'ugly duckling' formative years, back when i was a source of amusement and ridicule. i guess eventually i stopped being a 'duck' but my mind is firmly set in the past so i think that's why i really have no clue anyone has any interest in me. there have been more than a few occasions where i figured it out only because there was a second tongue in my mouth.

enough about that... i leave you with some light hearted fare:

my eldest brother has recently been having sport with me. i've been getting of late 'theme' gifts. t-shirts that have mostly been poking fun at qualities i can only assume my family thinks i have. the latest a t-shirt that was purchased soley because it had the word rebel emblazoned on the front in blue embroidery. there was quite a lot going on, on that t-shirt between the embroidery, the 4 painted skulls and the splatters of gold paint.

anyway it was his birthday this past weekend and turn about they say is fair play. i had a t-shirt made that had the image of a female bodybuilder and the caption 'my sister is bigger than your sister'. my brother pronounced the shirt too 'out-there' for him to wear anywhere other than around the house. much like the last three gifts he purchased for me that i currently only sleep in!

and this from people who LIKE me

sometimes when i blog i feel so strongly about what i want to say that it practically writes itself. i sit down at my computer with only a vague idea and a phrase or two. and other times, much like this post, i struggle offline to work out my thoughts.

so here i sit with pen and pad in hand trying desperatly to work out the thoughts in my head.

the great mysteries of miche why doesn't she date? why isn't she involved with anyone? i have no explanation for the why's i can only tell you what i know. i am neither dating or involved simply because no one is asking, no one is interested.

i spend the balance of my time in the gym, training clients or working out. since a healthy lifestyle is important to me you would figure i'd have an easier time of finding someone who shares my enthusiasm for physical fitness. that is so far not my reality.

but i am lucky, i have people in my life who say the sweetest things to me, to make me feel so special.

"if everybody is able to find someone and you can't then it's obvious that there is something wrong with you. i'm not saying this to be mean. i'm your mother and i only want you to be happy." ouch!

"don't you think if you changed a few things; like if you changed your hair, wore a bit of make up, changed your style of dress, acted a bit more girly and stopped being so shy, then maybe you'd meet someone?" i am still waiting to find out if i can keep my name or if i should change that too.

"could it may be something that you are putting out into the universe? i mean think about it. there has to be something that you are doing that is attracting those types of men to you?" apparently i have some sort of 'bat signal' that can only be heard by dudes in committed relationships who like to have a chick on the side.

and then there is my personal favourite:

"if i was a dude... i'd ask you out." umm... thanks???

anyway the constant theme as far as i can tell is that there is something wrong with me. that somehow as i am, i'm not quite good enough. you couple that with the reinforcments by some of my less than stellar relationship experiences and it's really no wonder that i am the way i am.

i spent a couple of hours yesterday telling a friend the details of my pathethic dating life. as i drove home later that evening, with history replaying itself in my mind, i came to a bit of a revelation.

i thnk it's all tied into that which makes me the competitive beast that i am. what you talkin' 'bout willis? i wan unpopular in school my entire academic career. i was picked on for my runt-like existance; i was younger, shorter, fat, black, in braces, in glasses and with nary a secondary female characteristic to be had. even at home my parents were frustrated by my grades and wanted to know why i couldn't be more like my brother. the message clearly was, your not good enough!

when i was unable to interest guys that i was attracted to, the message was 'you not good enough'. when i found out that once again i was the 'other woman' the message was, your not good enough!

i've gravitated towards some form of competitive sport all my life and my passion for each sport has been somewhat all consuming. it occurs to me now that i am using all these athletic arenas to measure myself againg other women, to prove that yes... yes i am good enough!

i once had a coach who told me that bodybuilders were without a doubt the most fawked up individuals ever. that there generally was some underlying issue that they were trying to cover or make up for. looks like i've finally found mine.

suprise!!!!

as you can probably imagine, i had a lot of time on my hands while i was in winnipeg. i used that time leading into the show to do a lot of thinking about everything that had transpired during the prep.

there was design that i had found on the internet a few years back. i was pretty sure that i wanted it as my next piece but i never took it beyond the thinking phase. while i was in winnipeg i couldn't help but think that piece would have been the perfect way to celebrate my trip to the national stage.

so about a month after the show i had this added to my right leg. a companion piece to the wolf paw and tribal on my shoulder blade.

enjoy if you like art. if you don't i guess you can sigh and shake your head like my parents LOL.

if at first you don't succeed...

so as i said in my last blog, i fully intend to be at the natural canadians again next year.

the show date has been moved forward next year to march 21, 2009. which means that the diet starts november 1, 2008. i will be dieting through the holidays yet again. dieting through the holidays doesn't upset me, what does upset me is the date of the show. it means that for the first time since 2005 i cannot attend the arnold classic. the show date and the classic are just two weeks apart. it doesn't make sense to train hard, diet hard and then throw it all away at the two week out mark.

as i said before i wasn't happy with the way things turned out for me in 2008. i needed to figure out how to ensure that history did not repeat itself in 2009. there really is no other option than to completely change my prep team from years past. i now have someone new who will help dial me in. i'm not sure i am allowed to identify my new coach but i will be following a diet very similar to the style that i've used in the past.

we have already started ramping my caloric intake up from the pre-show deficit. the goal is to keep my weight as close to 155 lbs, 15 lbs out from show weight. while trying to get up to about 2500 calories per day.

it has been working pretty well thus far. we started at about 1700 calories and steadily added in 100 calories per week. once a week i am allowed a cheat meal, suffice it to say i've been having quite a lot of fun with that. i'm up to about 2200 calories per day and the weight has been for the most part doing what we hoped.

2008 CBBF World Qualifier

i'm not dead.

in a way i both can believe i let two months pass without an update and at the same time i can't believe it.

first and foremost how things went in winnipeg. the flight was uneventful and i got into my hotel room without incident. all the amenities that i had pre-requested were in place. the first order of business was unpack all my food and store it in the refridgerator and heat up a meal in the microwave. the next order of business was to rest... and boy did i. i proceeded to do nothing but alternate between sleeping and eating. in fact i didn't actually open my hotel room door until about 5:00 pm thursday evening.

i was actually alarmed at this point about how much i was sleeping and i decided that a walk around the hotel was in order. it really wasn't much of a walk. i think i went down to the ground floor, walked down one hallway, took the next elevator back to my room and passed back out in the bed. the good news was that i dropped about 5lbs of water that week leading up to the show. the not so good news... i easily could have stood to lose 2 or 3 more.

it was probably fair to say that i was of the competitors who carried the most mass in my class and i think i also have a more symmetrical line. however this is bodybuilding and in bodybuilding competitors are also required to be conditioned. and on the day of the show i was simply not the most conditioned athlete. so i finished 3rd. it was a respectable placing for my first time at the national level. of course, if you know me any at all you do know that i am never satisfied with second, (or in this case third) best.

i know that i have the ability to be more conditioned than i was, although i did do the best that i could given all the crap i went through to get to winnipeg. but the thing is, NOBODY ever has an easy road to the stage... so as much as that was a reality and a factor in my placing. i really shouldn't have let it be.

that being said i feel that i am not done. i have not yet stepped onto the national level stage as i know i can, as i know i wanted to. so my goal now is to prepare for the next show. the 2009 CBBF World Qualifier. the show date is march 21, 2009 and it will be in quebec... a little bit closer to home.

i've made some changes for the 2009 run, which i will discuss in later posts. i also have a suprise i want to share with you. but first to end the 2008 wrap up... with pics!

it all comes down to this

well my friends the run to the canadian nationals is fast coming to a close. here i sit exactly a week out... i think by this time next week i will be somewhere near wrapping up things at the night show and getting ready to get my eat on.

i can't begin to tell you how ready i am to eat again.

i shan't bore you with the details of the diet, or the training. just know that it is on. i am happy with how i look even though i am still hanging onto a sh!tpile full of water. but yet everyday i can still see how much leaner i am. i am really looking forward to seeing what i really look like when all this water comes off.

my friend speed racer sent me a text recently. she told me that she was proud of me. i thanked her for the text and i have to admit that i am proud of me too. i think that there were a sh!tload of challenges this prep and i managed to find ways around them. i've made some really positive improvements with my physique, as i continue to lean out, they become even more apparent to me. in some ways i am in awe that i was able to do this. guess it just goes to show ya what hard work and perserverance can do.

i'm not sure if i will find the time to blog again before i fly out. in fact i really should be sleeping because i need to get my azz back to the gym for cardio round 2.

allow me to leave you with this picture of me practicing last week end. once upon a time, hands down my weakest pose... currently, not so weak. oh and before i forget... i am so freakin rockin my routine.












p.s: i've got the greatest friends. i WOULD not have successfully made this run without some of the best friends ever. folks i don't know if i can ever truly thank. but here goes, in no particular order, (i remind you that i don't get a lot of carbs so i am likely to inadvertantly miss a name or two... i mean nothing by it):

sappho
nene
julie
terri
speed racer
george
zaccagrfx
berns of passion fruit designs www.passionfruitdesigns.com
poorboi
stryder
missfitchris

i owe you HUGE, thank you

finishing strong

here i sit, in my second last week of dieting. the show is THAT close and according to george i am ready. allow me to qualify that, i am holding a sh!t ton of water. we are convinced it is from stress and expect during the three days i will be alone in my winnipeg hotel room, sleeping, eating and posing i will drop the water that is currently hanging on for dear life.

when i pose, you can see detail and veins that i have never shown before. mixed with the muscle i put on in the offseason and when this water comes off, well it could be pretty scary. of course i mean scary in a good way.

as near as i can figure from the results of the last 3 caliper readings, i have been able to come in without burning off any of the lean mass. the other difference with this years prep is that i haven't always felt as shady as i have in preps past. i also have to say it's only in the final few weeks that i'm noticing a drop in strength.

so in light of the challenges that this prep brought. it would appear that i have met the challenges and i still managed to get 'er done. the other day a friend of mine sent me a link to nadia nardi's blog. nadia basically said that you can't control what happens during your prep. sh!t is gonna happen, an athlete keeps his/her head down and keeps chugging whereas others would fold like a deck of cards and fill the air with their tales of woe.

personally, i'd rather be an athlete.

you know i should put some pics up in here. i'm sure speed racer would agree... she wouldn't strike you as such a visual person but that woman sure loves pics.

till next time... i remain in the trenches!!!!

back in the saddle again!!!!

well i am excited to report, my friends, that once again the miche train is back on the tracks.

since my last post things have taken a turn for the better. i cashed in some of my investments. yes i know that come tax time next year my life is going to suck... but it just seemed to me to be a better option than turning my back on 5 months of dieting.

i finished the first posing routine i've ever choreographed, i showed it to some of my friends and they like it. now these are friends i trust not to lie to me... so i am feeling pretty relieved.

there is actually going to be jan tana spray service for the athletes so that means i wont have to take anyone with me to apply my show colour. in a way this reminds me of the old days when i used to go to the rollerblade contests. i used to travel all by myself then too.

anyway i ordered my plane ticket yesterday and in the evening i registered for the contest. today i booked my time to get sprayed and reserved my hotel room.

all that is left is for me to buckle down in the remaining weeks and do my level best to bring it!!!!

what motivates...

i had an interesting conversation with one of the natty pro's i know. the discussion came about because one of my work mates told me not to get any bigger than i am and that 'mindy o'brien big' was 'too big' and 'ugly'.

the natty pro wanted to know exactly how big i wanted to get. and if my plans to continue to add size involved me crossing the line. from there he wanted to know why i was so attracted to the cbbf as opposed to one of the 'natty only' federations. it was hard to answer him truthfully as he is heavily involved with a 'natty only' federation. his thinking was that it made no sense to compete in an arena where i was likely to be a small fish lost in the big pond. he proposed that in a natty only federation i could be one of the big fishes.

it interests me the different things that motivate people and how they choose the paths they take. my motivation within this sport is not the acquisition of a pro card. i have held a pro card before in a 'fringe sport' that like bb lacks mainstream appeal. the path upon which i am on does conclude with a pro card, however, it is more akin to the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. there are more athletes in the hunt for one single seemingly elusive card... and we are talking about a global field of athletes.

the question i ask is what truly is better; the journey that includes the desire to improve one's physique, the dedication required to stay focused through all aspects of the show prep diet and the determination needed to get onstage. or is it truly about getting pro cards and being the big bber on campus... even if the campus is elementary school small??

sinking fast???

well my friends, those of you who still bother to check this place out, i know it has been next to forever since i last posted an update... but allow me to bring you up to speed.

first my father. he had his surgery a little over a week ago and i am happy to report he is successfully convalescing here at the homestead.

secondly, my mother. well things with her had been good up until a little over a week ago when the mystery pains started up again. she has to wait until the weekend before she can get an appointment with the accupuncturist. lately accupuncture therapy has been very helpful for her pain management.

and lastly yours truly. well as you have probably guessed the website project is still on the back burner. frankly i am a tad overwhelmed by things at the moment. sure i keep trying to forage on because well at the 5 week out mark it seems crazy to back out now... but here are my current challenges.

my coach has disappeared. which leaves me with no one to go to winnipeg with and no one to apply my contest colour. it also leaves me with no choreographer for my posing routine although there is the possiblity that i can do that myself. of course about then was when my computer decided to go tits up... and ive only recently been able to get back online. without my computer i haven't been able to edit music for the aforementioned posing routine.

but here is the biggie. looks like im broke, busted and financially spent. so it doesn't even look like i can afford to go to winnipeg either. in the last couple of weeks i have been chasing a couple of last ditch efforts... the elusive sponsorship dollar, which of course remains elusive and i even went to the bank to apply for a line of credit that has been denied.

in a few days i have an appointment with my financial advisor and he is going to have access some of my investment funds for me. i'm still dieting though. so far i'm still in this. i have friends who have offered to give me the cash i need to get to winnipeg but frankly thats more money than i could ever want to borrow from anyone.

so what is the plan? well it looks like winnipeg will be my last show for a while. im going to keep digging forward to turn this into a reality. i have to. i think that my entire life involves me giving up on things before i really applied myself. i think i tend to give up rather than risk failure. so its on me to get her done. and after this show is done... well i will have to retire from competition for a while and get my finances back in order.

i'm currently working full time as a personal trainer at one of the major chains. ive been there for about 3 months now and i am just starting to see the commissions coming in. my mother suggests that i get back into graphic design but i think i would rather kill myself than do that. well actually... i think i would kill myself if i did that.

anyway enough of the maudlin talk. for those of you that believe in the power of prayer... i beg you to do so. for those of you who believe in the power of positive thinking... i ask for your help.

and i will continue to place one foot in front of the other... until i no longer can.

updating again

last weekend i was in columbus for the 2008 arnold classic. ya know i've been to this event religiously since 2005 and i honestly have to tell you this was the BEST trip down by far. there was no drama, no fighting, no hostility, no bad times. this year i went with the RIGHT people.

in case you want to see some pics:
arnold classic pics

mom's condition is day to day. dad has had his bone scan and we are awaiting the results to see what treatment option is best.

thanks to those of you who expressed concern. sorry if i'm not too talkative yet. as much as i am irked by my lack of reaction i rarely feel like talking about it.

perhaps i am indeed my father's daughter.

hmmm....

so it would appear dad got a call yesterday regarding a cancellation, which meant he was able to get in today to get his results. it seems they grade the degree of disease out of 10. unfortunately dad got a passing grade... he got a 7. we are looking at radiation or possibly surgery... dependant upon the results of next weeks bone scan.

i'm still waiting to feel. i do know i tapped out early from my cardio... i couldn't seem to concentrate... but i still haven't reacted...

can someone tell me if there is something wrong with me???

nothing???

again i feel the need to start off with an apology. forgive me, it's been almost two months since my last post. in fact i've had more than a few friendly reminders that i haven't been posting lately. i will get into the how's and why's of that later. the only thing i really want to post today is this...

my dad's biopsy results came back. he now has an appointment in a few weeks to discuss treatment options. the results came back two days ago and what i can't figure out is why i've not had any reaction. i haven't screamed, cried, thrown anything... all i've felt is nothing.

have i officially become a heartless b*tch???

flattered? hardly.

i had an interesting conversation with ninja girl today. i was supposed to go to croc rock last night. however yesterday i was really not feeling very well. i was experiencing chills, i was exhausted, i had a headache and a sore throat. i spent much of the day in bed or shivering in front of my computer. i stayed home.

today ninja girl tried to torment me with the knowledge that one of the bikers had a crush on me. eventually she told me the story.

biker's b, w and i were all supposed to meet at ninja girls place and from there we would head over to the croc. when b got to ninja girls he started fixing her computer. while he was at it, w happened to notice my fbb business card on the bulletin board. apparently he demanded to know who it was. ninja girl told him it was me and he was reportedly quite taken aback with what he saw. he even went so far as to state that he needed to go home and... shall we say take care of himself.

eventually she went on to say how disappointed that he was that i was not making it out to the croc that night and that he demanded that she call me and tell me to come on out.

i guess i am supposed to be flattered by the attention. i also guess she was trying to determine if i was interested. i let her finish telling me her story and i let the matter drop. why? i did not hear a story about someone who had a 'crush'. i was told about a man who saw a picture of me in my posing suit. a man who had a very male response to seeing a woman in a bikini.

this man has seen me and talked to me countless times at the 403 tim's. at no time did he ever express any interest in me. he was not attracted to me, or else he would have been when he saw me fully clothed. he was not interested in me or he would have made more of an effort to talk to me at the bike meets.

i don't find his penthouse centerfold response to my photo flattering in the least.

i've got a date...

saturday june 14, 2008... winnipeg, manitoba. not much by the way of details at this point but the important one is there. i happened by the cbbf website today and noticed that my show date have finally been announced.

20 weeks out = january 26, 2008... buckle up dorothy, kansas is about to go bye- bye

the dark horseman rides near...

my mother still is frequently in alot of pain, although she has been keeping to her new diet. the other plus is that her blood sugar levels have improved. this is the start of my third week at home without work and i just found out my father requires a biopsy. ya know it really kind of takes the wind out of yesterday's front squat pr.

:-(

nothing feels right

on the train from downtown, i was itching to train... i was ready... had there been a stack of weights on the train i prolly would have started tearing the roof of the sucka right then and there. so why when i walked down the hallway did i feel the air rush out of me as though i was a balloon victimized by a needle?

if you look at the workout log, it looks like a decent days training. but it was filled with long periods of staring off into space. i really have to work to psyche myself up to train. oh well the big staff meeting is tomorrow, maybe somehow that will make things feel 'right'.

its 11 pm, i should be in bed asleep. but i can't sleep... i just feel lost.

chiefs and indians

the official gym staff meeting to alert us all to the changes is thursday. but so far it would appear that the interim tanning salon manager is not managing the gym, the previous manager is still managing the gym and one of the guys i work with has been asked to take on an assistant manager role.

i think all told... including the managers we are like 10 - 12 people. seems like an awful lot of management for a staff of 7-9.

i went to rhino's gym today. i liked it. its way smaller than my gym but it has that hardcore, we are about the weights kind of feel to it. i really like that. the equipment seems pretty decent. they dont have as many pieces but they seem to have everything i would need. i still have a few places to check out. but rhino's is high on my list.

oh and umm two more weeks is all i've got at the downtown graphics position.

it's just got to get better... right???

p.s. i talked to my coach sunday night, one of the things i wanted to talk with him about were the trophies. originally he was going to take them with him. i gave them to him after our 'victories' and i felt that if he was leaving the gym, they should leave too. as it turns out he has asked me to take them and hold onto them, so i spent a few minutes today trying to hide them among the rollerblade trophies that have been in my room for years. however, one of the trophies is a couple feet high and its sparkly and purple. its not hiding very well at all.

the countdown is on...

i mentioned in my last blog about a bit of nasty business with respect to the gym and i further mentioned that i was concerned enough to start checking out some other gyms in the area.

well since the first shoe dropped i figure i can let you know what's going on. my coach, has left his position. i would be lying if i said it was entirely of his own free will. basically he felt very much like his silent partners were pushing him out... so he left.

well today i was talking with someone who let me know that the scuttlebutt is that 'they' want me gone as well. basically they want to erase any connection that my coach has remaining with the gym. i was told to 'watch my back'. i was told this, as luck would have it, before todays training session. suffice it to say i've had better workouts. it was really hard to focus on what i needed to do, it was also really hard to be in the gym... knowing that i no longer know who i can trust.

here's hoping i can keep the gym gig long enough to start getting paid from the downtown freelance gig. oh yeah, i owe you and update there too... dayummm this post has a lot of bad news. it would appear that the job description for the downtown gig has changed to include flash and dreamweaver, two programs of which i don't have the skill set required. now it seems that even with this limitation they were still considering me for the position up until the perfect candidate dropped into their laps. thus i will continue freelancing there up until i guess they bring said candidate on board... at which time i will likely have to leave to give him/her a machine to work on.

looks like it's not quite my month huh?

a week of living dangerously...

i had made a promise to myself to post religously every sunday. if you look back over the past few posts you can see i managed to do that for all of two or three weeks. life got a little nutty on me and i've been having more than my fair share of trouble posting anything anywhere... and/or replying to emails.

as you may remember my freelance gig suddenly got slow and i was spending more time at home than i was at work. eventually i made the decision to take on more hours at the gym to tide me over until worked picked up. murphy is alive and well btw, no sooner had i changed my gym schedule did the freelance gig call up and say they were busy. i decided not to undo the changes i made at the gym and as it turns out the freelance gig was a case of 'false' labour.

well the gym as much as it helped wasn't really cutting it and my clients were falling off again. so when i got a call from the agency about a lead on a full-time position downtown i quasi-leapt at the opportunity. i have a freelance position to try the place out, for a while before making my final decision.

i needed to get out of my tuesday gym shift, which the gym was able to oblige. while i was trying to organize my schedule, the previous freelance gig called and once again claimed to be busy and in need of my services. i can't remember if it was a 2 or 3 days work before once again things dried up.

the downtown freelance gig seems to be going well enough. the work is not difficult. it does, in it's favour, offer the opportunity to learn flash and dreamweaver. which could potentially lead to me getting into webdesign... which i might enjoy more than what i do now. the downside is that it is still very much downtown, it's corporate design so i have to dress 'up' and it will be a good 8 weeks until i start to see some money.

trust me when i tell you i do not currently have enough cash to wait 8 weeks to be paid. i'm working 8-4 pm downtown. the plan is to allow myself enough time to get to the gym monday's and tuesday's to work 6-9 pm. as well as to be at the gym early enough on thursdays to finish my workout before my 7:30 pm training appointment. i still have to train monday night's so i likely won't be in bed to till near 1 am tuesday.

last week was a combination of all three jobs and i'm sure you won't be suprised to learn that i spent most of the weekend completely exhausted.

i am also quite concerned about some nasty little business at the gym. frankly it has me thinking it might be time to start seeing what other gym's in the city have to offer. the upside at finding someplace new to train could mean that i might finally get rid of the albatross that continues to haunt me. the legacy of my old training partner. nary a week goes by that someone doesn't suddenly remember her and our marathon training bouts of old.

there are things i know, that are not 'public' knowledge. although a quick google search would pretty much tell you everything you wanted to know and more!!! out of some twisted form of loyalty i temper my responses to their queries so as not to let the 'cat out of the bag'. which is really quite amusing since it is quite obvious from the internet, that she is quite delighted with her new found infamy.

now there is always the suggestion that i somehow could not 'keep up' or that she was so much more of a 'hardcore trainer' than i was. i will accept that towards the end she was pushing way more weight around than i was. but, in my defence, we had different styles of training. wherein she subscribed to the 'by any means necessary' school i was and will always be 'form first'. i will not say that either way is right or wrong. i do know of people who have made excellent gains with what our sport calls the 'cheat' rep. and i do feel that i've made many a gain without the 'cheat' rep.

as far as training goes i have news. the good, the bad and the ugly. the good; i've got strength gains through the roof. i have almost tied or bested most of my last off season's personal best's. the good; i can honestly say that i see improvements in my calves and i am pretty sure my pecs as well. the good; i can still see my musculature even though i am off season.

the bad; i hurt myself on wednesday night doing push presses. although 75lbs is a fairly 'easy' lift for me 85lbs is clearly over my... well... head. :p i continued to train even though as the days progressed my range of motion decreased. until i could barely turn my head to the right or touch my chin to my chest. and even after getting treatment i was in no position to squat, so i didn't train at all today.

the ugly; i am well past my off season weight cap of 155lbs. it's wierd i'm eating 2100 calories and i'm still over 160lbs. but i don't look like i did last off season. in fact i went for a ride today and i easily fit into my leathers. last year putting them on meant passing on the luxury of breathing. now before you suggest that the excess weight is merely water and/or worry weight, allow me to add that my coach recently asked me what i weighed and what i was planning on 'going up to'. which suggests to me that he is starting to get concerned.

a friend saw me last weekend. and though she noted that i was holding weight in my mid-section, (which is usually where it goes), she didn't seem to think i was alarmingly off season. this is comforting, as she is not one to tell you what you want to hear.

hopefully this new work situation pans out and my finances stablize. and maybe then i can find out once and for all how much of this is water/worry weight.

finally, as i mentioned i went for a lovely brisk fall ride today. just my best girl (jade) and i. i am also pleased to announce that the odometer now reads 81882 kms. i put her away last season at 76995 kms. i am a mere 113 kms from a 5000 km season!!!

i better get my azz to bed... it will be 5:45 am before i know it.

oh yeah... lot's of footage up on youtube... i'd post links but i don't have the time. just go to youtube and do a search for michesk8r. happy viewing!!!

thanks for that... not!

i hate that sh!t, i really do.

i don't think i ever told this story before. first, i am loyal, just in case you don't already know that about me. second, my coach has gone above and beyond on my behalf countless times in near 8 years. to the point where i know i will never be able to repay the debt, (fyi, my coach insists there is no debt).

years back, i honestly don't remember how many, i used to have a friend. i say used to because she put me in the unfortunate postion of having to choose between her and my boss... i chose my boss. at the time i worked at the gym full-time. i was also broke as fawk and in no position to be unemployed in any capacity.

my 'friend' found out that she could save a couple of bucks at the tanning salon if she got me to buy her sh!t. i hated myself for it, but i did it. after which i was racked with guilt and i seriously considered going to my boss with the $5 or $10 saving and 'fess up. i spoke to a few other friends who talked me out of it. they reminded me that as an employee i was entitled to the staff discount. they felt as long as i didn't do it again i could and should put the incident behind me.

fast forward a few months, her out of town boyfriend is due to arrive. she asks me about getting him a free trial membership. i tell her that he doesn't qualify as he is not a resident of the greater toronto area, and is not likely to purchase a membership after his free trial. i told her she could purchase a $35 week pass or $10/day single visits. she simply smiled and told me that she would give her mailing address to whomever was working when he signed up.

i was on the gym floor training the day she brought him in. the guy working balked because the out of country address on the drivers license did not match the mailing address given. the guy working went to ask my boss what he should do. my boss recognized my friend and had heard me speak in the past of her out of town boyfriend. while they were speaking another staff member stupidly approved the transaction. likely because my 'friend' dropped my name.

guess what happened? i got to endure a series of lectures from my boss on how i was responsible for how my friends conduct themselves in the gym. twice during that workout he stopped me to talk about it. once when i was speaking with one of my clients. the next morning as i was training a client, he pulled me aside and lectured me further.

how did i handle it? i was enraged. while they two of them were still training on the gym floor i left her a voicemail message. i told her that i got in sh!t due to her shenanigans and that i could no longer afford to have her as a friend. thereby ending the friendship. i did get a couple of teary voicemails that i never returned. mostly because every fawkin' time i was in the gym i received yet another lecture.

there are many who have since told me that i reacted badly, that i should have talked to her. however, i am comfortable with my decision. i don't need friends who are willing to gamble with my ability to support myself all for a $10 savings!!!

so what brought this up?

i missed a call from a friend, while i was training today. i texted back that i was in the middle of training but that i would call him back during my shift. well my friend shows up during my shift and he has someone with him, who he hoped i would let in for free. i let him in only after he handed over the $10 day rate. i seriously hate being put in that position. i know i did the right thing...

so why do i still feel so guilty?

holiday monday

today i talked someone out of competiting. you might be wondering why? you might even wonder where i get off. i'll tell you.

plenty of competitive athlete's have developed eating disorders. it's really not that hard to imagine, we routinely bounce between two conditions; one with a healthy level of bodyfat and the other, the extreme look of stage. somehow on the road to depletion we start to equate the stage look with being 'in shape' and the offseason look as 'fat'.

well guess what? you can't, nor should you, try to sustain your stage look. it's just not healthy. you are literally starving yourself... pushing your body to do more and more work while giving it less and less food. and then one day it's over and it's time to start eating properly. i tell you it is indeed a strange feeling to wake up looking healthy all the while feeling like a fat pig!

still what's the big deal with letting someone try to compete? well with all the stress, the damage that we do to our bodies in the quest for the perfect physique and for microscopic levels of bodyfat... you really have to be sure your in it for the right reasons.

i sat down for a bite a few weeks back with a friend who did a show. she started prepping to see what it was like, to see if she could. many times during the journey, when she realized it was the hardest thing she ever tried to do, she seriously considered quitting. except in doing so, she felt she would let her boyfriend down and so she saw it through... all the way to the bitter end. after the show, she couldn't handle the weight gain. she ate the food she craved... but couldn't stomach being out of stage shape. and thus she found herself in the wonderful world of bulimia.

so what does what happened to one competitor have to do with another? maybe everything, maybe nothing but i do know that this 'competitor' is looking for a goal. a way to help him stay motivated to diet. yes folks, that dayumm show prep diet again. how do i convince people that this lifestyle is so not the recipe for success people expect it to be?

what did i tell him? i told him, by all means train like a bber. run a cutting diet once a year to see what you look like. but do not prep and compete unless you really and truly want the competitive bb lifestyle. there is NOTHING healthy about show prep. when you sit down and consider all the cons... you really start to wonder why people bother; suits, food, supplementation, tanning, diet coaches, training coaches, posing coaches, entry fees, membership fees, gym memberships, hotel and travel expenses, the all out frontal assault on your metabolism, the onseason and offseason wardrobes, photoshoot wardrobes, etc... all for a $10 trophy. but for those of us who live and breathe the challenge, who truly appreciate the beauty of the sport... it truly is worth it.

but it still isn't for everyone.

random thoughts

first thing i want to mention is something i noticed yesterday while en route to the gym. someone was driving a stretched hummer. now on a good day i find a hummer to be an unattractive vehicle. however when you stretch it 15 or 20 feet long you really only end up with a rolling block of ugly!!!

i found a female member on a bench in the locker room today. she appeared to have a compress on her head. i was quite relieved to discover that she was fine and merely resting. earlier in the week i had the misfortune of being the first employee to happen upon some 3D art that some random member had created all over the handicapped stall... and i do mean all over. such a bold and vibrant use of green bean and bile... a true artist. a leg workout had proved to be too much and she projectile puked everywhere. you can tell she tried, in vain, to clean it up as evidenced by the wads of puke soaked toilet paper that was clogging the bowl. so guess what i did for cardio that day? 45 minutes of mopping and plunging... yippee!! of course the question remains why didn't she report it?

i have some good news for you. i've had a design project. i've been working on a logo design for the photographer who did my last photo shoot. well i'm happy to report we have a winner. it's not the design treatment that i like, which is frequently the way in this business. anyway that means the next project on the agenda is the website. where said photo's will finally be up on display.

originally i could come up with no valid reason for having a website. i mean i am by no means a lenda murray and frankly i have a hard time imagining what i would even do with one... or who would even look at it. sometimes i actually wonder who is even reading this blog, ya know? recently a television commercial audition came my way. as it happened i was unable to make the audtion, but i realize now that i could have supplied my url to the casting director. don't get me wrong i don't expected that it would have changed the outcome in any way... but all im saying is, i can finally see a use.

the interesting part will be getting used to the muscle fans. not so much as fans of the sport, so much as fans of women of muscle. those usually referred to as schmoes. i am a simple girl with simple tastes and a personal code not too far removed from half-pint on the little house on the prairie. a lot of things freak me out. like the marriage proposals i get on myspace from guys, thankfully... i am not really ready to be fielding proposals from women... but i digress. there haven't been all that many proposals but i have had a few. usually my intended does not yet speak or write a whole lot of english. i'm sure it goes without mention that i'm not quite interested in communicating in the international language of love.

on the work front things have been a tad spooky for a bit. for the last little while i have been at home waiting to be called back into work. eventually i hit my breaking point and i went into the gym and picked up more staff hours. of course the very next day work called me back in. however, it is still pretty spotty so i am not making any changes to my gym schedule until things get back to normal.

im off to bed. tomorrow is officially thanksgiving and i've got clients to train and a 5 hour shift at the gym. it is also a training day... as is most mondays. looking forward to that.

g'nite.

i've had it... part 2

i guess i have a different idea of what constitutes a pro level physique. i can respect the level of determination and dedication that goes into, piling as much mass as possible onto a body with seemingly little or no regard for asthetics. but that's not what i like. male or female i don't want to see the mass monster. i want to see the classic lines, the tiny waists, the broad shoulders, the TRUE x-frame. but sadly that physique is almost never rewarded at the pro level.

there are a lot of women who better represent the sport in my humble opinion. however, they are losing interest in the competitive aspect of the sport... the sport as it stands now. and i, for one can't blame them. so the physiques that i like are either at the bottomof the pack, not stepping on stage or quitting the sport all together.

i still love the sport. i still desire to find out exactly how far i can take my physique, my way. i still desire to find out exactly how strong i can get, my way. how far i can go, my way. but i'm not going to watch either olympia.

i can't wait to go to ohio in 2008. oh i will to to the men's show. and i will even admit to missing the routines at the fitness internationa but i'm pretty sure i won't be sitting through the figure international or the ms. international to see it. i am looking forward to seeing my firends. i'm looking forward to wandering around the expo, the opportunity to meet new friends and to see some of my favourites in the sport.

i will continue to support the sport at the amateur level. i will hope against hope that somewhere out there, there is an fbb who will save my sport.

but i won't hold my breath!!!

that's it... i've had it!!!!!

as of this moment there is only one professional level bodybuilding show for me. it occurs in ohio in late february, early march.

ya know, my coach took me to my first bodybuilding show many years ago. it wasn't long before i became a fan of the sport of bodybuilding. specifically men's bodybuilding... much to the chagrin of my fbb friends. call me crazy but i will always prefer to watch melvin anthony, victor martinez, dexter jackson and the like in there underwear over the women.

however as i began to show interest in competitive bodybuilding i started to pay more attention to what was happening in the pro level of fbb. interestingly enough i was never a fan of the 'popular' physiques. the one's that go my fbb friends excited, the one's they thought were the best were usually the one's with the lines i least appreciated or they had a look that i had no interest in emulating.

don't get me wrong i do know there is a limit to what i can accomplish with respect to an ifbb pro level physique. i think i have a good genetic package... you can be a good bodybuilder with a good genetic package. to be an ifbb pro you need a great genetic package... and let's face it, you need to do things that i frankly have no interest in doing.

well this past weekend was the olympia and i have to notice a few interesting changes. there was times in the past when the telecast was available and my behind was parked in front of the tv. i was afraid to go to the bathroom for fear of missing something.

more to come... got to run

plan b?

well things aren't working out quite the way i would like. in the last 3 to 4 weeks things have been seriously slow for me. i've been at home more days per week than i've been at work. for the most part its one to two days of work max., per week. and sadly still, often they aren't even full days.

i am still doing my shifts at the gym and training a few more clients than before so that is helping a bit. but the long and the short of it is, things cannot continue this way indefinately.

the stress is playing havoc on me. and i think we all know what happens when our bodies are under stress for too long. i am currently doing a 2100 calorie diet and i am currently at 160 lbs. 2100 calories is not alot for a fbb, in fact its kind of low. 2300 calories should be my offseason cap. the fact that i'm eating 2100 cals and that i've stopped with the cheats and still at 160 lbs confirms that my stress levels are playing havoc with the scale.

so how do i fix this? what is my new plan? well i think it is time to purchase some steel toe boots and get myself registered at a local temp agency. thus on days when i have no work i can go over to the temp agency and get myself in a warehouse for the day. it won't be great money likely but at this point i need money period. at this point i am seriously concerned with my ability to get back to ohio next year and i also fear my show prep will be in jeopardy.

i'm going in to the gym to meet with my coach/boss to sit down and talk things over with him. maybe he has a better idea? maybe he has some contacts i could use.

there are some who would suggest that i get some of my own design clients and try to freelance on my own, from my home system. well at this point it is either the stress that i feel that i am under or i have lost it. i have been trying to develop a logo for someone and the reality is, i can't seem to come up with anything good. nothing i like... nothing that feels good enough. of course the fact that i know he is asking for feedback online is not helping either. it reminds me a bit of school where we had to get our work critiqued in front of the class by the professor and some of the other students.

i've been logging some serious km's on the bike this summer. i still do the balance of my riding these days with ninja girl. speed racer has either been busy with work or she hasn't been well enough to ride as much as we did together last year. i did recently go on a long ride with speed racer and the chic riders. it was pretty cool at one point there were 11 women all riding sport bikes in the group!!!

well i think its time to get back to bed. i've been sleeping alot the past few days. i'm either coming down with something, fighting something or this is also tied somehow to the stress i am under. i do know yesterday my body temperature kept soaring so i could be just sick. i haven't missed a training day and i really haven't noticed any ill effects on the gym floor so it's really hard to tell. anyway i thought i would leave you with a few pics. a couple from the group ride to london. and a couple shot the day after, ninja girl and i decided to stop and pose with our bikes on our way back from the twisties.

falling behind again

so i was online this morning making my weekly check of all the online blogs i read. and of course i accidently bounced onto mine. oops my last post was august 13th.... holy crap where did the time go?

so let me catch you up on the good, the bad and the ugly.

the ugly:

i've not mentioned this in here before but my mother is not well. i dont mean as in crazy, but rather she is going through some sort of mystery health issue. first of all i have zero faith in my mother's doctor. i think he is inclined to merely toss pills at my mother without trying to get to the root of the problem. i also think he is too inclined to dismiss her medical complaints as products of her age and some of the meds that he himself has prescribed for her. yes, i will admit my mother is no spring chicken. however my mother has never been as visibly aged as she has been in the few weeks with this thing. she gets these debilitating pains in her leg that makes it painful to stand, or walk. subsequently her lower leg swells up.

well her doctor doesn't seem to inspired to investigate this properly and i have to watch my mother limp painfully around the house when she can move that much. wtf??!!! so i took my mother to a walk-in clinic a few weeks back to get her seen to by a doctor that george recommended. he immediately ordered a couple of ultrasounds. he is checking to ensure this is not circulatory. we've had one test done so far. i took time off work to take her in myself, but that first test looked pretty normal and we are currently waiting for the next one. in the interim i get to watch my mother turn into my grandmother... this does not make me happy.

the good:

my strength gains are almost back to where they were pre-show prep. and when you factor in that i am doing this stuff while basically still under a restricted diet... well that just goes to show you that my offseason pr's this year are likely to be through the proverbial roof. i am looking forward to that.

my happier state of mind has returned. i spent a lot of time talking to other women in the bb community and they really helped me understand that whole public perception issue. as near as i can tell since it was my first 'negative' experience it hit me hard, now that ive been throught it... i can only imagine that i will handle it better in the future. who am i kidding i have already started. a couple posts ago i told you about my friends 'charming' boyfriend. well i found out yesterday that he told her recently 'look at miche... you guys diet and get all skinny and then you turn around and get all fat again'. fat... me??? pfft. for the life of me i don't know why she bothers with that guy. he seriously has issues and none of this can possibly be good for her psyche in the long run.

okay i am at work, and i was trying to fill some down time... but they have given me some work to do. so i will leave you with some training videos. i hope to be back to regular posting soonish :-)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iJR11Ipgz8I
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D9buO0jvNxE
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z1IfLIPkn1k
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S_FsNYhxiCc