one for the bloke

i work with tammi*. tammi and jason* have a 16 year old daughter named nora*. nora has an unusual habit, she likes to collect coach purses. she has a number of these $100+ designer label handbags. tammi and jason insist that nora pay for the purses using the money she earns at her part-time job at whatta-burger*.

based on tammi's description, nora the quiet homebody type. she doesn't attend a lot of parties and is home most nights. her world seems to rotate between home and work. if that is the case, one kind of has to wonder why several high-end purses are necessary. does she carry her whatta-burger name tag to work in a coach purse?

late last year, tammi chipped in on a coach purse that nora, just had to have. barely a week later, nora announced she needed money to purchase a new outfit for the winter formal. as you can well imagine her parents were unwilling to give it to her and nora lost her everloving mind. she threw a tantrum, the likes of which she hadn't thrown in 14 years. then she gave her mother the silent treatment.

tammi and jason discussed not allowing any more purchases. they considered having her return the last purse to fund the new outfit. they settled on allowing nora to spend an additional $100 on something for the formal. they adjusted the figure to be $100 excluding taxes and finally agreed that the price before tax, could not exceed $125. to ensure nora didn't try to pull a fast one, she would be required to present the outfit with sales tags attached and the bill of sale.

now i have no interest in being a parent, it seems to be a pretty thankless job. i know that parents are motivated by the desire to ensure that their children have a better quality of life than they did. but sometimes things get a little skewed. it seems as though kids are coming to expect every and anything as their due. i fear what will happen to our society as more and more of these self-absorbed, self-indulgent individuals grow into adulthood.

this is tournament time in college basketball. division one basketball is big business in the united states. so earning a tournament berth is an even bigger deal. this year the university of miami was predicted to do well. partly do to the strength of one of their senior players. the tournament is set-up in a 'one and done' format, which basically means, as long as you keep winning you keep playing.

this particular player has a history of breaking team rules. based on how important she was to the team, her behaviour was often overlooked. this year however, her coach had enough. she was left behind when the team headed to spokane for the first round of the tournament. i suspect that the coach counted on the rest of the roster getting them through to the second round. as a third seed they would be facing a lesser ranked team, a team they should best handily. well as they say in the world of sport, 'on any given sunday'. through the selfish behaviour of a single player and truly inspired play by the eleventh seed, the miami hurricanes were sent packing after a single game.

this player was expected to go in the first round of the wnba draft. since she doesn't have any tournament exposure this year, the wnba coaches don't get one last look at her. she let's down her school, the program and the boosters who support it.

it will be interesting to see if she learns her lesson and makes some serious changes or will she spiral out of control. only time will tell.

* the names have been changed to protect privacy

today i opted for a different type of challenge and i asked the bloke to supply me with today's subject. hopefully my treatment falls within the parameters of his suggestion.

dear hollywood, you suck

i have over 1000 points. once you amass 1000 points on your cineplex scene card you can see a movie for free. i have had the ability to see a movie for free since before christmas. so why, 4 months later do i still have over 1000 points? because hollywood is releasing nothing but crap!!

i haven't seen a trailer for anything that interests me. so it looks like i am waiting for the avengers to come out in may. may!!! i remember a time when i could go to the movies every week, not just to get out of the house, but because there were movies playing that i wanted to see.

i love action adventure movies. the kind of movie where reality doesn't necessarily play a role. bruce willis armed with a hand gun, with a seemingly never-ending supply of bullets. and he takes on a barrage of terrorists equipped with the latest high-tech gadgetry and automatic assault weapons. bruce finally gets down to his last bullet. which he fires into the forehead of the last remaining terrorist, who's assault rifle conveniently jams and i am on the edge of my seat.

jason statham, in a tricked out audi leaps off a bridge. he soars 30 feet through the air and comes to a pin-point landing on top of a moving train. it of course goes without mention that the brakes will finally engage seconds before he runs out of room. "pass the freakin' popcorn!!!"

matt damon notices the closet full of C4 and has just enough time to start to dive onto the fire escape. the explosive blows and the blast launches him the rest of the way out of the building and into the river located conveniently below. he suffers no burns and he isn't hit by any glass shards or building shrapnel. the blast does not deafen him or incapacitate him in anyway and he is able to calmly swim away. "when are they filming the sequel??!!!"

the chick flick, the buddy fart-humour comedy, vampire 90210, the slasher flick, the disaster movie, or anything inspired by real events. "sorry... not interested". in fact i was all set to see a jason statham movie not too long ago, until i saw the tag line 'inspired by real-life events'.

life is real, i go to the movies to escape. if i wanted to watch real life i sure as hell don't need to spend $13 on admission and another $10 bucks at the concession stand. real life is all around you and that sh!t is free.

office drama... a dish best served cold

the company where i am currently employed, on a contractual basis, has recently been bought out by a much larger company. the interesting thing is the new parent company does essentially the same work but services a different client base.

where i am currently working is in markham, the new parent company is in mississauga. just a couple exits shy of milton, along highway 401. the building in markham is coming up on the end of it's lease and the parent company is moving the business west.

there are a lot of people where i work, who are beyond concerned and not without good reason. some of them already have pretty gnarly commutes to work, one guy lives somewhere called port perry and another woman comes in from curtis. there may also be a whitby contingent.

adding fuel to the fire they were also told that there will a lot of duplicate positions, once both companies are housed within a single building. sometime around the 2nd week of april they will receive notice whether or not their postion is secure.

it is times like these i am very happy with my contractual status. i know my projected end date and i know that i am not promised tomorrow. as unnerving as such a situation can be, it can also be very freeing especially in times like these.

say WHAT?!!!

i spent quite a bit of time thinking about a blog entry for today, to somehow make up for the drivel that was posted yesterday. i was minutes from my home, this evening, when the fates intervened. there at the side of the road... inspiration!

now i have many a fault and had you the time i would list them for you. but in the interest of brevity i will refer to a single, specific fault. i can procrastinate, i can turn procrastination into an art form... well at least so i thought.

tonight i was forced to come home, encase my crown in bubble wrap and deliver it to the new heir apparent. today is tuesday, march 20, 2012. it is the first day of spring. it is also the day that someone in my neighbourhood finally put their christmas tree out on the curb for garbage collection.

go ahead, wrap your head around that one... i'll wait.

oh and in case you were wondering, it was not a recently expired christmas tree. truth be told i should probably have reported them to PETCT but i didn't want to come off like a hater.

thirty two or one minutes to 8

i am going to admit right from the jump that this is a blog without subject, point and also i fear substance. the truth of the matter is that i am distracted by the 2nd round of the march madness tournament.

the game starts at 9:30 p.m and frankly by the time it is over i will not have enough time to blog before the EOD and since staying the course is the most important detail of this challenge, i give this. hopefully you won't hold it against me.

the lady vols played the depaul blue demons earlier in the season and were victorious. but there has been a lot of basketball since the teams last faced each other and both teams have made improvements.

how much of a hold do the lady vols have over me? i tried to book a massage treatment and was unsuccessful. the only time available was too close to game time for my comfort. i am tired and i thought about a nap after dinner but who am i kidding? i am either going to be too worried about sleeping through the game or far too excited to rest.

twenty minutes to 8. just an hour and a half to go.

go lady vols!!! survive and advance

who's that girl

francesca dilorenzo had recently started exercising again. it wasn't her fault that she had taken a break, but it may have been her fault how long of a break it turned out to be. it was really only supposed to be a couple weeks to get over the slight of rejection. how ever did 30 years pass seemingly overnight?

francesca found a gym in the g.t.a that was fairly large and always open. for the most part the people at the gym seemed nice enough. when they weren't looking at her strangely, judging her for the things she did on the gym floor.

it was the early 80's and the aerobics craze was front and center. there was going to be a regular aerobic program on citytv and after many an audition it was down to two women. it really could have gone either way. and really what made bess motta so special? nothing. it could easily have been frankie dee hosting the 20 minute workout. she could have been, hell she should have ended up being the household name. she should have been the one to end up with a bit role in the terminator.

so did she really care about the sidelong looks she got while as she worked out? she'd start off innocently enough doing bicep curls or tricep extensions but then in her head she could hear the theme music start. she could feel the platform spin and she would begin to just move... to lead her television viewing public through a program that would make her the fitness legend. she was the one pouting sensually at the camera as she begged the home viewer to do 'just one more'. it was frankie, not bess, who was bent over at the waist and looking all doe-eye through her legs into the camera lens.

don't these people know who i am?!!!

i people watch when i am at the gym. sometimes by accident and sometimes out of a sense of self-preservation. there is a new member and the way she carries herself and the things she does... well it is obvious that she has a story to tell. for grins i took a stab at what that story might be. and since the 20 minute workout, with bess motta was a very local thing. i found a clip that was someone saved to youtube.

cheat meals rock!!!

lately, i have been implementing a x-rep training protocol. this program is supposed to allow you to build lean muscle without using extremely heavy weights. you have to give your joints and ligaments a break as the years of heavy lifting eventually takes its toll. since i started having issues with my knee i realized that i just couldn't squat that heavy anymore. i was in the market to try something new and this program was recommended by someone in the industry that i respect.

the first couple weeks i tried the program i noticed a difference but i wasn't eating as well as i could have been. so i obviously wasn't going to see any lean muscle gains, so it was time to really give this program a test. the x-rep program runs in 6 week cycles with an off-week. the off-week allows the lifters central nervous system (CNS) time to reset itself.

what i am doing is eating 1750 clean calories a day for 6 weeks. then i allow myself a single, no holds barred cheat meal. i can't really stay completely out of the gym for a week, so i do what is known as de-load training. when you de-load, you train only to keep the blood moving and you keep your training poundages fairly light.

today was my cheat meal. i went for a burger and sweet potato fries at jack astor's and i came home and laid ruin to mccain's deep 'n delicious chocolate cake. chocolate cake frequently appears in my cheat meals. what can i say? i am a woman who loves her chocolate cake.

the program is working out pretty well i have to say. i am down 12 lbs from the start of the year. i also know that i dropped 2" off my mid-section in the past 6 weeks alone. i am pretty pleased with my bicep measurements but my calves are still lagging. bicep and calf measurements should be the same to have a balanced looking physique. so clearly i still have plenty of hard work to do.

luckily i am not afraid of hard work.

the magical law of murphy

my mother is of island heritage and although she has been here for quite some time, she still finds it cold during the fall and winter months. many years ago i happened upon holiday theme sweat suits and i would purchased them for her christmas gifts. over the years it has become harder to find these suits. so for the past couple of years i have taken to purchasing coordinating separates, (the holiday themed sweat shirt with a matching sweat pant).

last christmas i bought my mother 2 new sets. although she was very pleased christmas morning i noticed that she only ever wore one of them. it turns out she was hesitant to wear the second set because the sweat shirt was white. it has a snow family motiif complete with faux diamond eyes. i know what your thinking, but sadly my mother loves that crap; the faux stones, the sparkly bits, embroidery, glitter and sprinkles.

i proceeded to give her the business for not wearing the other outfit. she claimed that it was, 'too nice to wear around the house' and she worried she would get it dirty. i reminded her that i bought the outfit for her to wear. i did not buy it for her to adorn the hangers in the closet and that if it got dirty it could always be washed.

so a couple weeks later i notice that my mother was finally wearing the white sweat shirt. she decided to put it on after she got home from church. i made sure she knew that i noticed she had it on and she seemed pleased that i had. upon closer inspection i noticed a orange smudge on her chest.

i have to tell you that i was undecided as to how to handle it. eventually i grabbed the bull by the horns and said "by the way mom...". which was about all i got out before she snapped that, 'she knew she had already soiled her new top. and how it was exactly the reason why she didn't want to wear it in the first place'. i learned that i MADE her put it on and it was my fault that she had smeared her make-up onto it. furthermore if any of the faux diamonds came off while she was washing it, i was going to be choked out.

so flash forward a couple months and only the second time my mother had put the set on. she had invited my brother and his wife over to the house for dinner. i was in my room when i heard this commotion coming from the dining room. my father and my brother were desperately trying to get my attention. it seems that whilst enjoying her dinner, a piece of gravy covered chicken launched itself from my mothers fork. and, you guessed it, landed smack dab in the middle of her shirt.

i went out to take a look and my mother was sitting at the table fuming. she had this giant brown smear on her stomach. i looked at her, she glared at me and i backed away slowly.

things that make ya go hmmmm....

one of my co-workers is dieting and she is following one of the fad diets. the interesting thing about fad diets, is that they tell you what to do, but they don't really teach you why your doing it. the why, is very key. when you don't understand the why it is likely that you will make mistakes. the problem with making mistakes when dieting is that it generally means the diet doesn't work.

the other day i walked into the kitchen and my co-worker was muttering to herself as she perused the packaging of her protein powder. it seems she wasn't able to figure out the carbohydrate content of the product, as it wasn't listed among the nutritional information. she knew enough to know, that there likely was some carb in the protein powder. but she also needed to be able to calculate how many points the shake would be worth.

i took a look at the label and i did the math for her. if you know me at all, you know that math and i don't get along. also there was the added insult of attempting to do math at 8:30 a.m. it turns out that there was approximately 3 grams of carbs per serving.

she then upended a bag of frozen fruit into her shaker cup. i knew i shouldn't ask but frankly i couldn't help myself. i asked her how she measured her fruit. she told me that she, "just sort of poured about this much into the cup". i bit my tongue, the inside of my cheek and i pressed my lips firmly together and left the kitchen.

her 'diet' program has her freaking out about the 3 grams of carbs in her protein powder. but it doesn't teach her to measure, or include the 30 grams of carbs from the 1.5 cups of frozen fruit that she added. since she also made a milk based shake, you can best believe she doesn't calculate the carb content of that either. so where she may be thinking she is only having 3 grams of carb. she was probably putting in closer to 45 grams in a single meal. that doesn't sound too bad until you realize that means the carbohydrates alone count for 180 calories.

and that my friends, is why fad diets tend to fail. either they don't teach you how to do anything beyond blindly following along a set plan. or they don't teach you how to survive at your goal weight, should you even be lucky enough to achieve it.

but sometimes it is just fun to sit back and watch.

workin' 9 to 5...

i have just finished reading a couple of books. technically i tore through them. you know the book that you just can't put down, that you just can't seem to read fast enough? 'reach for the summitt' and 'raise the roof', where two such books for me. they are the story of legendary lady vols basketball coach, pat summitt and her experiences with a couple of her teams.

there are many lessons you could take away from her books. basically things you could do, within your own life, which could guarantee you more favourable results. beyond that you could read how she had to grow as a coach, in order to learn how best to guide the different personalities that came to her each year.

there were a couple of messages that were prevalent in the books that i found a little unusual. unusual but brilliant. the first thing that really shook me, was that failing was actually a good thing. i am terrified of failure, even the times that i hang my sh!t out there, i do so in a very controlled or safe manner.

pat summitt suggests that by failing we learn how to succeed. she also said that failure teaches you what kind of person you are, the truly successful will suffer their failure. he or she will move heaven and earth to recover from it and hopefully have a more positive experience the next time.

the other interesting message for me, was that everybody has a role to play. that we can't all be the 'star player'. some of us have to come off the bench and do the best we can while we are in the game.

that really struck a chord with me. i am a contract, computer production artist and in my current position i am part of a team working on producing flyers. flyers that appear in newspapers weekly all across canada. my part of the process is to do the changes to the files that other people have created. i do not design the flyer, i do not make the flyer pages and i do not subsequently create the variations of said pages that are delivered to different regions of the country. all that is done by other members of the team.

i recently mentioned to my parents my exact role in the process and they were both pretty disappointed. it was as though, the fact that i was not a major player in the process, or the 'star player' makes me a failure.

the reality is, as 'un-sexy' as my role is, it is necessary one. while i am cleaning up the mistakes or making the minor revisions the client requires, others are moving forward and building the pages for future flyers. since the client supplies us with very little turn-around time, what i do is still of value.

i earn an honest living. i do the best job i can and the reality is there is no shame it what i do. i am not the 'star player', i come off the bench... but i still contribute to the team and in the end we all win.

the method behind my madness

i think that what i really want to talk about today is why i am doing this challenge. i know that in yesterday's post i mentioned how much i enjoy blogging but what i don't think i explained is why i made it into a 30-day challenge.

i believe that there are things that we all enjoy doing, that are good for our soul if you will. but i also believe that for many of us there are too many other responsibilities that must be handled on a daily basis. usually it means that there are things that get pushed to the side. we plan to do them later but later never happens.

for me, this 30-day challenge gives the activity that i enjoy an importance, something that can rival any of my other responsibilities. i don't need to write a tome, nor do i need to create a classic like 'war and peace' or 'huckleberry finn'. i really just need to take a few minutes out of my day and do something for me.

i have made the commitment to make it to the gym 5 times a week to train the muscles in my body from my neck down. this 30-day challenge allows me to exercise the big lump of jello between my ears.

so until tomorrow...

back to life...

... beep... beep... beep... beep...
~ lets move... it's CODING!!!!
~ i'm taking over compressions... it's in v-fib
~ push an amp of epi and charge the paddles to 360
~ good charge
~ is it loaded?
~ yup... we're doin' it
~ CLEAR!!!!!
kah-chUNNN
... beep... beep... beep... beep...
~ it's hemorrhaging... it's probably in D.I.C
~ charge again
~ go
~ hang some ephi-epi and factor 7
~ CLEAR!!!!!
kah-chUNNN
bawp...... bawp........ bawp........ bawp........
~ normal sinus rhythm... good work people!!!***

after 2 years of silence, guess who is back?

well if you think this means, that i am on my way back to the stage you would be sorely mistaken. i am embarking on a 30-day challenge with one of my 'mates' from the gym. although referring to him as a bloke might be more appropriate. regardless he and i have challenged each other to write, for ourselves, daily for the next 30 days.

the truth is i do enjoy blogging, which seems hard to believe since i spent so much time NOT blogging. but i really wasn't in the best place and i felt like my posts were too negative. i think that the lay-off was a good decision and i do believe i am in a better place now.

that doesn't mean that i am out of the woods or that my knee issue is behind me. it is much, MUCH improved and i am happy to report that i have even been noticing real muscle growth in my left quad. now before folks start wondering when my next show date is, i should note that my right knee was only able to bear the brunt of the weight for so long. i am currently experiencing, what could be, a like problem in my formerly 'good' knee. the MRI to discover the actual nature of the issue is scheduled for the end of the month. after the problem is correctly diagnosed and a treatment plan is in place i should have a better idea when i can start plotting my come back.

i have said it before, so very long ago, but it bears repeating. i ain't done yet!!!



*** edited to add: credit the defibrillator sequence gray's anatomy 8.14 via youtube. i have no idea if the crashing patient survived

take yourself to higher places

there is a lot to catch you up on. i think i will begin with the knee issue as it is number one with a bullet, on my list of things to focus on in 2010.

by now i have had all three orthovisc shots, the last one geing january 27th. so i am a few weeks post treatment and i am cautiously getting back into direct quad training. i have returned to my previous split of 3 training days on, one day off. although i have switched the order around a hair.

prior to the shots my quad training day was fairly limited. the only exercise i was capable of performing was a quarter squat, but i had to keep my ROM limited to 40 degrees. i would do somewhere in the neighbourhood of ten sets of partial squats and that would really be all that i could do.

post treatment the world has opened up a bit. i am still squatting high, as we call it, well above the 'hole'. i am also squatting ridiculously light for me i can handle a plate aside for 5 reps. this is a far cry from the 3 plates+ that i was doing before it all went to hell. but i have to continue to remind myself that i am still rehabbing and that rome was not built in a day. i am not limited by the weight of the bar, but rather my pain tolerance. anything more than 5 reps seems to really aggravate the knee and doing that intentionally just doesn't seem smart.

along with the high squats, i can use the hack squat machine and the horizontal sled press without pain. so far i am going the heaviest on the sled press. i suspect that i can use the leg press as well, but that was the first machine that i had difficulty using after my 'injury', so i have sort of been holding off on getting back to it.

which brings us to the next subject, my work situation. well i did have more than a handful of days on a freelance assignment with one of the most disorganized studio's that i have ever been in. as a contract artist it is not uncommon to spend much of your first day waiting, waiting for access to the equipment, waiting for your assignment, waiting for the assets for your assignment... but really this place... wow i have no words. they would book me for four concurrent days but then actually have me work every other day. they would give me a start time and then leave me idle for several hours, then next thing i know it is crunch time and i'm there till after 6 pm. anyway it was good to be working again, but my time there is done and i am continuing my search for regular, full-time employ. cross your fingers.

all in all my mood has still remained quite positive. sure i am battling a strange bug right now but other than that all is well with my world. i have friends with real problems and listening to what they are going through has helped me realize that as bad as it sometimes feels like it gets, it really could be a lot worse.

lets finish with good news. i already have my first 'client' for the 2010 bodybuilding season. the same guy who's routine i choreographed last year, he is the first one doing a show this coming year and has already confirmed that he will be doing a routine of my design. there are two more people at my gym potentially doing bodybuilding shows this season, so there could be another routine or two to do. again keep those digits crossed.

i am still trying to definitively see changes in my delts. i took another post shoulder workout shot on my cell phone and am trying to compare it with the post workout shot taken a month previous. it is really, really hard to shoot yourself post workout and it is even harder to shoot yourself exactly like you did the time before. so it is hard to see for sure if i am improving. when i look at myself in the mirror, in that narcissistic way that bodybuilders are reputed to have, i am confident that i am on the right track. yet when i compare the photos i am less sure. you be the judge. note: the january image is the one on the left.

it ain't easy but that's ok, cuz we hopeful

i am several days past my first treatment. i suppose the most important detail of note was that it actually didn't hurt. this was probably the greatest surprise of all. i mean when you imagine a hypodermic needle being inserted behind your knee cap, don't you just automatically think ouch? i know i did. if anything i would say that after a while the pressure of the orthovisc entering the cavity didn't feel the greatest but even that wasn't that big of a deal.

immediately post-injection walking was a challenge. i spent the evening with my knee elevated and on ice as per my medical recommendation. by thursday evening i was noticing how much easier it was to negotiate stairs and the commode. but beyond that i didn't try to test it.

i did my first workout friday evening and i went so far as to walk on the treadmill for about 20 mins. my knee didn't bother me at all throughout the workout but it didn't much care for the cardio. maybe i shouldn't have gone as long as 20 mins. because i required a lot of ice friday night and saturday a.m.

my 2nd post treatment workout was saturday afternoon. i didn't bother doing any cardio at all. i just got home from yet another cardio free workout. but today i actually trained legs. for quads all i did was hack squat for 10 reps. i just used the 'weight' of the empty machine and increased my ROM slightly. there were twinges but no real pain.

all and all i would say that i am pleased with the progress so far. and i expect this means it is only going to get better from here on in. hoowah!!!!!

hit me with your best shot!!!

well tomorrow is the big day. wednesday january 13, 2010 at 2:00 pm is the appointed time for my first orthovisc treatment. i will not lie, i did not sleep very well, if any at all last night. i don't imagine tonight will be any more restful.

the upside is after tomorrow i will know what the treatment is like and i am sure that the remaining shots in this series will be approached with a lot less terror. but it is the fear of the unknown. i know that it is a gel-like substance which means it has to be a fairly large gauged needle. i know that the needle is inserted behind me knee cap and this is where i start to get the proverbial heebie jeebies.

i haven't watched this, but this is what is going to happen to me tomorrow. i thought about watching it, i started to watch it... and then i decided against it. i guess i am a puppy. anyway here it is: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LAJ-JrmYCSc"

knows changes aren't permanent, but change is

i was supposed to pay attention to the lyrics of rush's tom sawyer today. well that is, if you believe in fate and i do. first the song featured predominately in a movie i was watching today and then when i was driving to the gym to train it played again. the boys of rush are a little cerebral for me, so i don't get all the symbolism in the song but what i do get... speaks to me.

things have been going a lot better for me of late. i don't know if it is because i am days out from finally starting my knee treatment, or perhaps it is because i have been working. not regularly but i have been working. to top it off training has been going really well also even my shoulder training day. shoulder day and i don't usually get along but as i said things have been much better even considering my schedule of late. the contract i've been on hasn't exactly subscribed to the typical 9-5 work day and i am getting to the gym at all kinds of hours.

i think that we are ruled by the fates. i think that situations, challenges and people come into our lives to direct us and steer us along the path we are to tread. sometimes the journey is easy and sometimes it is anything but, but no matter the road you hoe, you just have to keep putting one foot in front of the other.

i have no idea what comes next on this crazy rollercoaster called life. but i take comfort in the fact that through it all, i'm still standing.

everyday de bucket go a well, one day de bottom a go drop out

happy new year!!!! this is the time of year when we should all take stock of our win/loss columns from the previous year and figure out how to get more in the win column.

i am coming of off a couple of challenging years and i think my loss column far exceeds my win. which by my own definition means i have much to fix or focus on for 2010. off the top of my head my employment situation, my knee injury, all the friends i have lost, my feelings self worth and my relationship with my family.

you would think that i'd be moved to focus on them all but i don't think having that many balls in the air is prudent. yes, we are by nature social animals and not having decent relations with friends and family is no way to live. however there is someone i miss, someone i want desperately to get back. i want the miche i used to be, the one who started this blog. the one who fell in love with the sport of competitive bb, who wanted to get bigger and stronger her way.

somewhere along the way i lost that miche. perhaps it was the struggle i've had with money and regular employ, maybe it was the scare from this injury, maybe it was because i've always been so damned focused on having everyone like me that i often feel i can't be myself. either way she is a little lost right now and only through focusing on the things i can change, can i get her back.

in 12 days the treatment starts for my knee, which should eventually allow me to begin to train again with a full ROM. allowing me to regain some of the lost size and strength in my legs. i was pretty freaking close to a 405 lb deadlift and i would really like to make that pull a reality.

there is the feeling that the joblessness will make a recovery in 2010 and i could find myself working regularly again. frankly i think i disagree with puffy, it has been my experience that it is less money, mo' problems.

my goals for 2010, i wouldn't even call them resolutions because they aren't, it's not like i am quitting smoking or resolving to lose weight. i am simply going to get back to training as i used to and find regular employ. those two things alone should greatly improve my feelings of self worth.

if my friend pool fills out or if i find people i can be myself around, then that is great. people who understand that i use a lot of humour, some of which is self-deprecating but i feel that if you can't laugh at yourself then you have no business laughing at anyone else. if you feel that you shouldn't be laughing at anyone, then realize you have just put the entire comedy industry on the unemployment line. remember that through humour, through looking at ourselves change for the better is often made. and sometimes... sh!t is just funny.

i wish happiness, health, love and success to everyone. may 2010 be your best year yet. it is going to be mine!!!!

and the room, the room, the room is spinning around

today's subject is brought to you from prince's song lyric 'delirious', and it truly is the only way to describe friday evening's carnage.

i got in to the gym and trained christmas day, i came home ate a meal and proceeded to drain the 1/2 beer bottle worth of jamaican rum punch my father had left for me. from there i went straight into a hot shower. stop me when you see a problem. after the shower i proceeded to drink rum and coke zero. i had two cans and about 4 inches of antiguan rum.

at this point the details start to get a little fuzzy. i remember going out to the kitchen with the empty bottles, it was about the time that my brother and his wife had showed up. i hear that i was back out when a couple of the sisters showed up, but i don't remember any of that. i remember having motor function difficulties and i know that i spent time in my room. i did wake up from naps i didn't remember taking a couple of times. i do remember going out for dinner and i also remember another glass of my dad's rum based christmas drink.

i really didn't enjoy the alcohol in my stomach sensation and sleeping that night was not too much fun either. but the absolute worst was training the next day. there was just this waft of nausea after each set.

the long and the short of it was my mother was still not happy with my level of participation. apparently i spent far too much time in my bedroom being unsociable. since it ended up affecting my sleep and my training the next day that will be the last time i use alcohol to survive a family event. the question is, what am i going to do next time? i have NO idea.

we will survive

i will admit today's blog title didn't 'just come to me' i had to pop in an old nas cd for motivation. i've got a bit of good news the gig that i got just before the holidays has been extended a bit. they have booked me for their first week back after the holidays (jan. 4-8), as well i am on standby for the 28th and 29th. maybe, just maybe my luck is going to change???

the downside was that my knee was pretty unhappy with several days back in heels. it also didn't like all the clutch work from rush hour traffic. i've had to back off of the post workout cardio to compensate. i'd be more concerned but so far the weight seems to be doing well.

as i mentioned earlier i was returning to a strict mid-week diet and that has really been working well for me. so i guess the old adage is once again proven true... if it ain't broke...

tomorrow is xmas. my dad lived up to his word and made a huge amount of jamaican rum based holiday beverages. the first guests are due to arrive at 2:00 pm so i guess i will be diving into the sauce pretty dayum early lol. i have more than a few friends who are amused at the thought of me getting drunk, so i have promised to do some drunken texting.

i am mostly looking forward to saturday's cheat meal. i think i will be having it with my buddy scott, who is back in town visiting his family for the holidays. but if not we all know i am more than capable to take care of the cheat meal all on my own. holla!!!

happy holidays and all the best one and all!!!!

i got everything i need...almost

well the phone finally rang. it's not for long just a few days before xmas but the fact that i can go to work, even for a few days has gone a ways in improving my mood. sure i am not going to make what i am used to as there is a significant pay cut involved but staying home unable to find work really can play on your feelings of self worth.

yesterday's cheat meal was truly one of my best. i ordered a thick crust 6 slice pie from pizza pizza and i followed it with a mccain's delite chocolate cake. for those that don't know they now make two sizes of cake. the deep 'n delicious they have always made and the delite which as near as i can tell is for smaller sized families. okay so technically they also have the singles but really, have you looked at them? we are talking cupcakes here people... so they are stricken from the discussion.

i have also come up with the plan to get me through the holiday dinner. alcohol and lots of it. i have already pre-warned my father to make more of the traditional holiday spiked beverages than usual. in fact my exact words were "i'm going to need a bottle all to myself, i am going to have to pretty much on my ear if i am going to make it through this thing". my father laughed, i think he thinks i am kidding. i am not. i plan to start well before the guests arrive so that by the time they get here i will be feeling no pain. from there the plan will simply be to maintain that level of calm so that i don't actually harm any of my parents guests. ;-p

ebony and ivory

i am excited to blog again. for a while there i wasn't, it is hard to blog when i am in a mood, it makes for a dark blog and that is not really what i want this to be. i had a wake up call, that reminded me that it really wasn't fair to bring other people down. in my defense that was never my intention. but i have a place for my darker thoughts and since they won't be cluttering up my head, i expect this space will be more like it was in the past.

my last couple of workouts have really pleased me and it is kind of funny that they have. it isn't like i set any real pr's, but i am happy with them and that is really all that matters.

a few weeks back i decided to relax a bit on the mid-week diet. it was a test to see if i could have a few more calories and still maintain the look and weight that i chose for this offseason. perhaps the error was in not adding a specific number of calories, perhaps the relaxed nature is where i erred. either way the scale really only went up a couple of pounds (173.6) but at that weight i lost a lot of the detail in my arms and delts. that was not the way i wanted to look and so i returned to my structured mid week diet i've got the weight back down to 170.2 lbs but the detail isn't in yet. i suspect it will return the closer i get to 168 lbs.

there is approximately another 4 weeks until i receive my first set of orthovist shots in my knee. i am nervous about getting the shot but i am excited to get started. i have had a few conversations with people of late who have really inspired me. my g.p for example told me that she was sure that if anyone could get back to training heavy after this set back it was me. that sentiment was echoed by a lot of other people in my life. now i know that the belief that i can come back from this should have initiated within me, but i have always only been able to believe that i could do something after someone else first told me that i could. i know it isn't the best way to go through life but if i ended up believing in myself isn't that all that truly matters?

i drove home from the gym with blue oyster cult's "don't fear the reaper" playing on the radio. since i have been home that song is stuck in my head... i can't say i mind.

your a mean one... mr grinch

i kind of snapped on a guy at the gym today and even though i was well within my rights to do so, i feel guilty.

he is one of those people who, when you give an inch they take several miles. originally he asked me for a spot, which i was happy enough to do. but that was not all he wanted, he wanted me to critique his program, then he wanted me to critique his form. technically that was my fault. nothing irks me more than spotting someone who is doing an exercise horribly incorrectly. i feel like by spotting that, i am somehow signing off on it. i told the guy that he really needed to bend his elbows if he intended to bench 275lbs. that prompted him to explain how the pyramid program he was running called for a set of 275 x 8 and that it was okay if the form was 'loose'. loose my azz the bar and his chest weren't even in the same area code.

but i didn't want to lose anymore time out of my workout so i went off and did my thing. then he came back to get me to watch his form on a set of declines, which i did. as i was walking past his bench later on he started to ask me something else and that's when i tweaked. i do feel guilty about it because there were other people around and i know they are unaware of how many times he interrupted my workout. so it's just going to look like the gym bully snapped at some poor guy trying to ask a question.

the sad thing was it was, for me, a really decent workout.

you know things would be a hell of a lot easier if i didn't care so much what people thought of me.

it's beginning to look a lot like...

yeah, it is that time of year. frankly the beginning of my least favourite time of the year. the 3 month span that encompasses xmas, new years, and valentine's. this time of they year really forces you to recognize your failings.

find yourself single through the holidays and know that every holiday 'celebration' is merely another spotlight on your failure to merge. it starts off with the mistletoe at xmas segues into to the obligatory midnight kiss on new year's and finally after a few weeks wherein you are lulled into a false sense of security... bamm you are face to face with an arrow shooting cherub. sure, i do know that these holiday's are really just marketing tools to sell sh!t but that really doesn't take the pressure off.

not for lack of trying, but there has been no changes in my employment situation. xmas will find me under the tree feeling like a bum opening gifts, knowing that i wasn't able to provide any this year. even more exciting is the news that my parents are hosting xmas dinner. i look forward to a house full of guests, with the same zeal that i look forward to my yearly physical. actually i'd prefer the physical. i am currently mulling over a plan where i go to the gym to train, go grab something to eat and head to the theatre to catch the new robert downey jr. movie. if i played my cards right, by the time i got home most everyone would be gone. sure my mom would be pissed... but these days when isn't at least one person pissed at me??

my back is getting bigger or at least it is looking bigger. my quads are shrinking and i am still a few weeks away from starting treatment. through it all i am still hitting personal bests on stiff leg deadlifts. as well i have been using a strength program designed to improve my military press and my bench. with any luck these improvements will translate into muscle gains. it would be nice to have shoulders and upper chest thickness. it would also be nice to have calves and i job but somehow i doubt the fat guy has those pack in his sled.

anyway so add a little positivity to this post, here are some visuals for you to enjoy




















got to tell you i do love this shot!!!















almost makes me want to cry

build your muscles as your body decays

the results are in.

i spoke with the sports doctor last friday. my first reaction was raw terror, which might seem a tad unusual since i actually don't require a surgical procedure. the issue is that the cartilage in my knee has degenerated, in fact it is worn through in some places.

you can't grow more cartilage and it doesn't regenerate. so what do they do for this? a procedure called viscosupplementation. they insert a synthetic synovial fluid behind my knee cap. the fluid will hopefully provide 'cushion' within the joint, increase my range of motion and lessen my pain. each treatment is a series of three shots, one per week for three weeks.

i have been researching the treatment option and the 'fluid'. i will be honest, my concern is if this will allow me to return to training as i know it. whether i can continue to train and/or compete has no bearing on if i start viscosupplementation. there is no choice. without it, as the cartilage continues to deteriorate, the pain will increase and my range of motion will continue to decrease.

the sports doctor does not work with strength athletes. he can only guess that continuing to train will increase how frequently i will need to get this done. this treatment is not a cure but a stop gap. i guess the fluid breaks down over time and needs to be replaced.

but what truly rocked my world was the revelation that many people who have gone this route, do so to hold off on getting a total knee replacement. fawk me!!

to add insult to injury, my legs are shrinking down to the size of raisins. the left moreso than the right. i've been trying to work within my ROM to lift as heavy as i can to preserve my muscle mass. but i haven't been able to train properly since the middle of september... and it shows.

today's title is a lyric from queen's hammer to fall.

i feel like the walls are closin' in

i NEVER want to do that again. that SUCKED!!! i just got back home from the MRI and it was no fun. i was put into the machine feet first. the technician thought that my head would stick out, but he was wrong.

as you know i looked up the process on youtube and i even googled the machine to know the approximate dimensions. however, i was still unprepared for how tight a fit is optimum for this test.

i lay on the table with my hands across my chest. in my hand there was a panic button that i am still amazed i didn't squeeze. my right foot, both my elbows and my hands were touching the inside of the machine. it literally felt like being buried alive. when he first slid me inside my heart rate seriously spiked and i started to panic. i turned my head towards the opening as much as i could and then shut my eyes. he suggested that i imagine myself somewhere else. i didn't think i was going to be able to pull that one off, so instead i tried to count backwards from 10,000. i got to about 9,430 before i was removed from the machine.

anyway it's done and now i wait until the 13th to get the results.

i'd also like to add the test happened well over 2 hours ago and i am still shaking like a leaf.

up on the good foot

it was four days after my last blog posting that i was kicked out of rehab. not because i graduated out successfully and not because i ran out of money to pay. it wasn't working and if i was correctly diagnosed there should have been marked improvement by that time. i was given an appointment for the following week to see the sports doctor again.

once again he tested and re-tested my knee. he concurred that there had to be something else going on in that knee. none of the tests he performed gave a real indication what the problem was, but still i could not even squat my body weight on one leg. so he ordered the MRI. the notification from the hospital said that my MRI would be conducted 85 days later. i called in to see about getting placed on a cancellation list, but they don't keep one. they are a 24 hour facility, i don't really think that they even have staff to man the phones. either way the lady who answered checked to see if anyone had canceled and my MRI is going to be done later today.

i've spent the last few days scouring youtube for videos on MRI's. to know what to expect and to see how much space i will have. there is a warning in my information packet about people with claustrophobia. which i have but i am counting on a few things. mostly that i will be put in feet first. if it is open on either end then i should be able to deal if they put me in head first. and mostly that i know that i can't get where i need to go without this piece of the puzzle... so my plan is to attack it like i attack any gym challenge... i will attempt to soldier through.

it probably won't surprise too many to learn that i have yet to tell any of my family members what i am going through. sure they have seen the limping and the weird way i negotiate stairs. they've heard and seen my yelp suddenly and grab my knee. when they have asked so far i haven't been too forthcoming with information. why? well there has been a pretty consistant sentiment thus far from anyone who has heard about my injury.

'well with the amount of weight your lifting, something like that had to happen.'

yes i admit that i do not waste my time in the gym lifting what i can easily and without challenge. i am trying to add muscle mass to my frame and i simply can't do that with a low weight, high rep scenario. as well i am not a novice, nor am i an idiot. i do not attempt to lift weights that i haven't worked up to, or that i am not prepared to lift. can i say for a fact that this didn't happen because of the weight training? no i cannot but i also can't say for certain that it is the cause of it either.

fact during my growth phase i developed a condition called osgood schlatters disease as i understand it i basically grew bones first. my muscles and tendons didn't grow at the same rate so there was less cushion in the joint and i suspect less stability. i was an active child involved in a lot of sports up until that time. a lot of high impact activities. after i was able to resume my active lifestyle i got involved with more high impact sports softball, alpine skiing, rollerblading, off road moutain biking. who is to say that the original cause of injury wasn't based on any of those factors?

either way what caused it, is irrelevant. the fact is that something in there is amiss and needs to be fixed. at some point some form of surgical procedure is going to be performed and at that time i am going to have to tell my family what is going on. i can take myself to the hospital for the MRI, but there is no way i will be released after surgery without someone to take me home. but know that if i could... i would.

wish me luck.

take that!!!

me again. i am pretty sure that i told you that my mother and brother are leaving shortly to go on a cruise. my brother asked me if he could borrow my suitcase.first he needed to ask me if i was going to be using it. he lives here, he is well aware how long it has been since i've been gainfully employed. just recently he came right out and asked me if i had a job yet.

anyway i dug the suitcase out of the closet for him. my father seemed most amused that my suitcase was going away and i wasn't. my mother pointed out that it has been 3 months since i have been out of work. maybe she thought somehow that detail has escaped me? all though technically it is not 3 months until the end of october.

my brother was equally amused at my father's reaction to my traveling case. i did however manage to shut the fawker up by referencing "our lovely family trait of kicking people while they are down."

check please...

it's bad when you annoy yourself

it has only been a week but i do have things to catch you up on. but first i wonder is anybody still even out there? if not, i suppose the very act of putting my thoughts down on monitor are at the very least likely very cathartic.

we, my oldest brother and i, decided that an intervention of sorts was needed to ensure our mother was getting the best possible care. to that end this morning said older brother accompanied my parents to the doctor's appointment. where they learned there was nothing to be concerned about, based on the results of all her recent tests. my brother pointedly asked the doctor if he was even aware that this was my mother's 3rd episode. turns out he wasn't, according to my brother, the doctor looked pointedly at my mother over his glasses and said NO!

this 'new' information got him to take another look at her results and was now more accurately able to identify 'several' occurrences of 'a type A blockage'. mom has been cleared to go on her cruise but when she comes back she will be meeting with a cardiologist for further testing. i am still waiting to hear how they are going to be treating that cough of hers which is not getting any better.

i guess the next topic to cover are my injuries. i am still in rehab twice a week for my knee. i have to tell you spending $110/week is a little tough on the bank account, but more on that later. the knee no longer buckles, which is nice. i am also pleased to report that i have gained a few more pain-free degrees of ROM. and the hill-climb/sprint exercise that she has me do, well i can stay off the saddle for longer periods of time. i know patience is required on my part, i have really only had 5 appointments to date. chances are this 'injury' didn't happen overnight and it's not likely to get better as quickly either.

the shoulder, she says while knocking feverishly on every wooden surface within reach, seems to be holding steady. i am experimenting with a new training protocol and this program has me steadily increasing, but from a fairly light starting point. the idea behind this program is that you should be able to make steady improvements for 6-8 months before you plateau and start over. hopefully during that time frame you actually increase your 1RM. not only did i start light because the program dictated it but i also started a little lighter still to take in account the recent shoulder issues. i am curious to see how this all works out.

on the job front, i still have nothing exciting to report. i am now applying for anything. in the past two days i have applied for 8 positions, 3 of which were in my field. sadly one of those 3 positions comes at a 40% pay cut. i really had to think about that but i NEED to work and it comes with a benefit package.

it has been really hard on me having spent so much time out of work. it has also been difficult applying to positions outside of my field. i fear that my resume, which is almost exclusively design specific, may work against me as i attempt to land a entry level position in anything else. i can't stress how ill equipped i am right now to take more rejection.

on to the better news. i have been noticing increased leanness during training. a couple days ago in fact i was doing pushdowns at the cable station and i could see the lateral head quite clearly from stem to stern. woot! since my weight is unchanged that would suggest a little bit more muscle in my life. forgive me while i do a celebratory booty-dance. ;-P

last weekend's kraft dinner was awesome! i have to admit i was a little taken aback at the size of the macaroni. for some reason i thought they used to be bigger. i am happy to report i can still kill a box in a single sitting and the cinnabon that proceeded it was stellar as well. i think we will have cheat pics this weekend as i have decided that french toast is on the menu.

back when i was working i purchased a concert ticket. it had been years since i've been to a concert and as well i cannot even remember the last time i was in the ACC. i have to admit it was one hell of a show. i mean i knew that i was in for something special but knowing that and seeing it first hand are two different things. anyway one of the people i went with got a few pics. i'd imagine most people would be surprised to learn i went to her show. in fact i didn't tell anyone i was going... but fawk it... she rocks, she is funny as hell and she puts on a hell of a show.


all photos by: k. platten

and still i rise

since my last post my knee has been diagnosed and i know what i need to do to get back on track. i will be seeing terri twice a week for a while. in another 5-7 weeks i will have a follow up with my sports doctor. he currently has me on a 40 degree range-of-motion limitation.

originally i b!tched and complained about the limit while simultaneously fearing the muscle loss. well it turns out that i couldn't break 40 degrees right now even if i wanted to, checking my actual range-of-motion was something we worked on today. anything greater than 40 degrees felt like an icepick was being driven through my knee.

i've had to make the necessary changes on the gym floor. it requires a bit of creativity on my part and a lot of searches for exercise variations. my friend has been trying to knock into my thick head, that this is merely a blip on the radar screen. i fear her arms will tire long before i get it.

i had a couple of leads last week for contract positions but unfortunately they didn't pan out. i am still at home looking for my next gig. i am also now looking for something part-time, the question is what? i know that the last time i tried to work part-time i got really sick when i got a full-time gig. but i think i know where i went wrong last time and should be able to avoid that in the future.

i am hovering around 169 so that means i am still within my range. i have still been having my cheat meals but i haven't been taking pictures. it doesn't make sense really as at this point i'm just fulfilling odd cravings. case in point, i have already purchased this saturday's fare.

while i was in the grocery store i ran into one of the guys from the gym. he looked at me oddly. i explained that i haven't had kraft dinner in a really long time. then he tossed back his head and laughed at me. yes, i know kraft dinner sounds like a really odd cheat meal but it is what i want dayum it. ;-P

i haven't figured out the dessert choice. part of me would enjoy a mccains deep n' delicious chocolate cake or maybe one from pepperidge farms. but that is way too much cake for me to eat by myself in a single sitting. i am toying with the idea of going for one of those cinnabon's though.

my mother has been coughing lately. it's really horrific sounding. it was this return of her asthma that prompted her doctor to prescribe what we think may have been behind her recent t.i.a. suffice it to say i worry a lot these days.

until next time...

another brick in the wall

remember the last post how i told you that my knee wasn't getting in the way of my training. well that was then, and this is now.

i was at the gym earlier today. it was my quad workout and i was doing my squat warm up. my first set was 135 lbs and i did an easy 3 reps. felt good, no pain, no twinges. went up to 225 lbs and did another easy 3 reps. still felt good, no pain, no twinges. went up to 275 lbs, put on the belt, which is usually where i put it on, i don't need it at this weight but its where i start to use it. started to squat when all of a sudden my knee buckled under me. i had set the safeties and they caught the weight, as of course they are designed to do.

so i ducked my head out from under the bar and i laid on the ground for a while. then i took out my phone and i gave terri a call. she said that it was time to get an x-ray because i might be looking at something a bit more serious than we first thought.

to quote florida evans "dayummmm, dayummmm, dayummmm!!!!!"

i tell you i need this like i need a hole in the head. oh speaking of holes in the head. ironically enough i lost a filling in the week and i now have a new hole in my molar. i haven't gone to get it fixed yet, since i'm not working yet and all.

anyway, here is the edited video from the deadlift session mentioned in my previous blog.

i still do bad, all by myself

there was good news this week. they called me back to work for a few days. two and a half days work isn't a lot but it definitely beats the opposite.

both my knee and my shoulder haven't been restricting my activities as much as usual. so i am really starting to feel in a pretty good place about that and life in general.

things with my mother appear to be as normal as before. to the point where she is starting to see the humour in the event two weeks ago. i can't speak for the rest of us with a certainty, but i am fairly confident that none of the rest of us see the humour. moments ago she was on the phone telling her friends how 'we almost lost her' a couple weeks ago. yes, i get that finding humour in it, helps her get perspective on it. but what really still gets me is her ability to continue to defend her choice not to go to the hospital. in spite of the fact that everyone including her doctor gave her sh!t for not going.

yesterday i had hopes of setting a huge deadlift pr. unfortunately that was not how my training day turned out. on the upside i did set a personal best, it just wasn't the goal i'd had in mind. and since we know i already slant that way, yesterday my glass was half empty.

well there has been more fall-out from the upheaval of the bodybuilding governing bodies in ontario. the 2010 natural canadians, or the world qualifier as it is officially known, was scheduled to be in my home province. however it is now going to be in laval, quebec in april. the question is, what am i going to do? i really won't have to make an official decision until november 3rd.

the 'i walk alone' behaviour continues. yes, still. i have some people telling me that i shouldn't be concerned by it and other people giving me sh!t for not visiting. it occurs to me that this is one of the few times in my life where i've had so many things going on at once. a hell of a lot of things on my mind, so maybe it does make sense that spending more time alone is what i need?

all i know for sure is yesterday i rode my bike to the oakville bike meet, i actually turned into the parking lot, looked at the line of bikes, and i kept on going. i ended up in port credit sitting on a log at the water's edge watching the canadian geese.

keepin' it light

my last blog posting was seriously dark and as there is nothing more to post on that front i choose to make this one a lot lighter.

i was at one of the bike meets the other day and one of the guys there started telling everyone that he weighed 150 lbs. when he said that my head snapped around and i looked at him like he was insane. i was seriously thinking 'dude, shut the fawk up!!!'. but it is what he weighed and he seemed to be proud of it.

something is seriously wrong with our society. here we have a male barely out of his teens, he is still a freakin' natural testosterone factory and a 5'8" the best he can do is 150 lbs???

yesterday i was riding my bike downtown and two dudes crossed the street in front of my bike. one guy was easily 6 ft. tall, dressed entirely in black and i would bet serious money that he was 120 lbs. soaking wet. to add insult to injury he had his pants half-way off his azz and a belt wound tightly to keep the pants in place. this boy-man couldn't have looked any freakin' skinnier if he tried.

it is getting really depressing, our society is so afraid of muscle and size that it is getting to the point where people are going to have to be naked before you can tell the men from the women. or, i guess if you just automatically assume that the most emaciated of the two is the man, your likely to be more right than wrong. feh!

oh and before i forget, yesterday's cheat meal :-)

a new challenge

at first i wasn't sure i wanted to blog about this. blogging makes it real. but one of the advantages to blogging is it helps me get things into perspective.

sunday morning i was still in bed when i became aware of my brother on the phone. he was making a 911 call. i leapt out of bed when i heard him say 'i think my mother is having a stroke.' my dad was in the kitchen and he was trying to hold my mother up in her chair. my mother was clearly unconscious and based on the gurgling noise she was having trouble breathing. as i got closer she started to vomit. i had my dad help me lower her to the ground and get her onto her side.

once on the floor the gurgling stopped and she seemed to be breathing again. i was still concerned with the 'food' that was likely still trapped in her mouth but her jaw was fully locked and there was nothing further i could do. her breathing improved and then she started to open her eyes and look around. she was confused at this point why she was on the floor and what had fallen on her clothing.

it took quite a while for the EMS to respond and when they got to the house she was fully conscious. being conscious and responsive meant they required her consent to take her and she wasn't interested in going. when they asked if this had happened before my father said that it had. that it had happened at the home before when it was just he and i here to handle it. i had completely forgotten the incident and am still only able to recall snatches of the event.

i've been understandably on edge lately. i find i can barely walk past her without stopping to ensure she is breathing free and evenly.

of course it doesn't end there. it's been a few days since her latest event and she still isn't feeling well. so with a little behaviourial subterfuge i contacted my oldest brother to get his wife to call my mother to check on her. my mother tends to react more to what her daughter-in-law says versus the rest of us.

they spoke on the phone for a while and janet convinced my mother to take her blood pressure and pulse. my brother called me and told me to stay on top of that, i found her log and emailed him the week's worth of readings. he forwarded the email to his wife and my other brother.

what i found out during my conversations with my brother is that there have been 3 such events since last may. this is not a good sign at all.

anyway janet has encouraged us to get my mother to call the doctor and see if she can get in to see him today. apparently her blood pressure is pretty low.

and now we wait.

asleep at the wheel

so it's been a while yet again. not sure how this keeps happening, i mean i think about things i want to blog about, i even start planning posts in my head. somehow that seems to be where things end.

i am still trying to find my next graphics contract. i've been without a gig a lot longer than i had hoped i'd be. i've applied to a couple of gigs and i've had an interview. it will take a couple weeks to find out if i got the placement, i am trying to stay positive. interviews are not my strong suit, i let the nerves get to me and i don't always seem to come across in the best light.

i found a visor!! i've been having some hardware and software issues at home and have been spending some time at my local computer stores. on one such visit i happened to notice a hat store and sure enough they had exactly what i was looking for, another trip to michael's for supplies and i now have a brand spanking new hat. it really feel's good to wear it, knowing what it represents and i can't help but feel it's had a positive effect on my mood and my training. more importantly it makes my friend feel good and that's a joy i can't explain.

we've been having some really sh*tty weather this summer. in fact i went to a biker event a couple weeks ago. the weather was fine and then suddenly this black storm cloud rolls in. it went from spitting to a full on downpour in the blink of an eye. i set out for home as soon as i could, riding along the highway would have been reckless so instead i took the city streets home.

it wasn't too long before with the wind and the rain made it impossible to ride safely, i ducked into a esso station and waited out the storm with a few other stranded riders. eventually i was able to safely make it home, i was completely soaked through but i was home safely. it was a pretty harrowing ride, particularly with all the lightening and thunder. but i guess riding is about dealing with whatever comes your way.

dieting is still going really well and the weekly cheat meals are still a blast!! the week after the denny's breakfast i went to lick's restaurant and had the turkey burger with cheese, fries a moose tracks shake. i've got before and after pics for your enjoyment. okay maybe it's for my enjoyment!!

coming together

i had my second cheat meal yesterday. the heartland scramble from denny's.

my weight has been hovering nicely around the 168 mark. i don't have any plans at this time to make any more dietary changes, but i may start thinking about increasing my carbohydrate intake a bit. the plan, when i do it, would be to add about 100 calories to my current daily intake. hopefully the weight would continue to remain unchanged.

i am starting to feel stronger again in the gym. that is either because the shoulder has been a lot better, or it is the little kick i am getting from the weekly, party in my face, cheat meals.

i am also convinced that i have made some improvements in my rather extended offseason, so sometime this afternoon i will be taking progress pics and comparing them to the last time i weighed 168 lbs. i am hoping to see more shoulders, more pec and more calves. that's not to say that i don't want to see improvements elsewhere, it is just those are the areas i feel lag the most in my physique.

the 'job' hunt continues, and i will be starting a 15 hour refresher course this week. school... fun, wow! it will be on monday and wednesday evenings so it may mean that i may have to adjust my training schedule to keep those evenings free.

still no new visor, but much of last week involved updating the online portfolio a very crucial portion of the job hunt.

at this point i do think we are looking at either a trip to lick's for the turkey burger or shoeless joe's for the bison burger and lattice fries!! for grin's i've also decided to start documenting my cheat meal fun. so, until next time...

the wrap up

well i finished the diet at 168.0. much better than the 194.0 i started off at back in january. i feel better and look better at this weight. i am not sure how many times i have to re-learn the lesson that i shouldn't allow myself to blow up like the michelin miche. i guess my learning curve is still a straight line.

my freelance contract also wrapped up this week so i am now in the hunt for a new assignment. the studio director gave me a lead for another opportunity, unfortunately it is downtown. but i will also apply with the freelance agency that has opportunities closer to home, or at the very least away from the ugly downtown core.

the shoulder is currently doing pretty well, so fingers are crossed that will continue. but today is my chest workout so there are no guarantees lol.

it has been really hard to find a plain white visor. i have found visor's with logo's already on them but i want a plain one. i think i will have to go to a uniform supply shop and see if they have a sample or something that i can purchase to put my friends initials on. i am determined to do that.

as you know i have been cocooning myself and doing a lot of thinking of late. well i have recently started to emerge from my self-imposed exile and start spending some time with some friends. there are some friends who actually don't find me distant and who have suggested that it might be time to thin the herd a little bit. it sounds harsh but maybe they do have a point. if the way i am, makes people uncomfortable and knowing that i make them uncomfortable makes me uncomfortable, then what is the point? especially when there are people i can hang with whom i am free to be myself, flaws included.

yesterday for example, i went to the annual caribana parade. i went with someone i hadn't seen in a while. we had a blast. it was easy, we talked, we laughed, we enjoyed the festivities, the atmosphere and the music. she told me about her wedding plans and i told her about the distant issue. she said something that really made me think. she said that one of the things that proved to her that her man was a 'keeper', was that he could accept the things about her that the men before couldn't. i have decided to add the same thought process to my circle of friends.

anyway i am in a much better place today and that has to be a good thing.

i took some pictures at the parade but until i get them developed all i have to share with you is this quick pic i shot with my cell phone.

did i ever tell you, you're my hero?

i met a woman at my first NiSS rollerblade contest back in '96 in new york. we remain friends to this day. she is incredibly supportive of my pursuits and often tells me that i am the strongest person she knows. i may have the strength to move more dead weight than she can, and i can move it over greater distances than she can, but my strength pales in comparison to her's. she has an inner strength the likes of which i have never seen. of which i could never emulate although i wish that i could.

she has twice faced the disease and both times she has beaten it. her attitude throughout was amazing and incredibly inspirational. she simply found out everything she needed to do and set about to do it. in comparison i find out that i have to sit out a few years of competitive bodybuilding. i completely fall apart and i drown my sorrows in 25lbs of cookies. i ask you, who really is the stronger woman?

today we had the conversation i never thought we would have again. it is time for her to fight again and still her attitude does not change. her approach is the same as before. suddenly it doesn't really matter who gets to turn pro and who doesn't. suddenly it doesn't matter which ontario federation is in the wrong. suddenly it doesn't matter that my shoulder hurts and i can't bench what i could before.

she isn't able to train at all and i know how much she misses it. the first time she got sick, i was still on the rollerblade tour. i painted her initials onto my helmet and i told her that every time i skated, she was skating with me. it probably made me feel better more than it really did anything for her, but maybe, just maybe it put some positive energy in the universe. i don't skate anymore but i do train so from now on every workout i do, she will be right there with me. i hope to send as much positive energy her way as i can.

she is hands down, the strongest person i know.

eureka... and other things

i've been spending a ridiculous amount of time watching the "buffy" series. i started watching joss whedon's "dollhouse" this past television season and after checking out the threads on the TWOP forums, i learned that "buffy" was considered by many to be the better series.

i mention the "buffy" marathon because a recently viewed episode sparked an epiphany. no i am not a slayer, vampire, witch or watcher. however, the jury is stil out on whether or not i am part demon. seriously though, someone questioned buffy's inability to sustain a relationship and it got me thinking about that 'distant' thing.

i think the distance is merely a defence mechanism connected to my trust issues. my primary mission in life being to protect myself from harm. right or wrong it is what i do, and unbeknown to me, it would appear that i do that with everyone.

so after this great insight, the question remains, what do i plan to do with this knowledge? well for now, i take comfort in an understanding of why i am the way i am. you may consider my resistance to change a cop out or a sign of weakness. but by my calculations, had i stood up in front of a room full of strangers, stated my name and my fatal flaw i would have been given a 'step 1' chip. so i figure that i am ahead of the game, (tongue firmly implanted in cheek).

moving on:

there has been a lot of sh!t going on within the ontario division of the bodybuilding governing body. for reasons unknown, there was a political coup and the CBBF has determined it will no longer recognize the OPA. in its stead we have the CBBF-ONT. both ontario federation's are fighting for membership, which has left a lot of confused athletes forced to choose sides. choosing sides would be infinitely easier if we really understood what happened in the first place.

we are uncertain who to believe, who to align ourselves with and what effect that decision might have on our bb aspirations. the sport already has enough problem's without this nonsense. my fear is that even more 'true' athletes will be lost in the shuffle.

a friend and i were discussing my disappointment with the dwindling numbers of professional fbbers who are not a part of the muscle p0rn scene. she suggested that i should lead the charge, rather than looking for the coming of an fbb messiah. that i should be that 'mass with class' bb pro.

i keep trying to tell this woman that i am no shepherd, that i am merely a sheep... and i am comfortable being part of the flock. there are people who are destined for greatness, natural leaders, the kind of people who go out of their way to institute change. i am not one of those people. athletically i have always been more of a 'workhorse' than a 'michael jordan', in whichever sport i was involved. i think i make a pretty decent amateur bber. i have an undeniable urge to compete, to see how far i can go in this sport, however, i do not for a second believe that i possess the genetic package required to make it to the pro IFBB ranks. since i have no interest in sticking needles in my azz, i would need to be pretty fawkin' genetically gifted to be able to stand onstage with the other pro's. i think it might be possible to gain pro status in one of the other bb organizations but it is my opinion that the only true organization is the IFBB.

ladies and gentlemen, i am not neo... and there is a spoon!

as promised a post-modification bike pic. my '93 ex-500 is a sexy beast!!!
















p.s: i almost forgot, i think i mentioned that often my first draft is written with a pen and paper. well this was one of those post's. so there i was leaving the tim horton's, where i had been madly scrawling down my thought's during my lunch break. i was working out the whole trust issue/self-preservation thing. with my thoughts in hand, i make my way to the car,when this dude comes jogging across the parking lot to chat me up and give me his number.

it's like rain on your wedding day, a free ride when you've already paid...

be careful what you ask for - part 2

first of all, i have not lapsed into a rip van winkle-esque coma. but i needed to re-think my "the bads". so i took some extra time to consider what i wanted to say.

i've never been one to participate in the 'us' and 'them' mind sets, with any of the sports i've been participated in the past. i didn't get the bmxers vs. the rollerbladers, or the skateboarders vs. the rollerbladers during my inline skating days. i really don't get the powerlifters vs the bbers or the strong men & women vs the bbers. i don't get any division within the iron sports.

but i currently find myself in full support of the division within fbb. i have mentioned before that there are bbers who are all about the dark side of the sport. bbers who's bodybuilding includes p0rn... mine does not.

lately it seems there are far more challenges facing prepping athletes who aren't about the dark side. while at the same time there seems to be nothing slowing down the progress of the others. which is just great, all the sport really needs is more fbb pro ho's in the professional ranks.

even though i find the dark side to be embarrassing and a blight on the sport, i did tend to turn a blind eye. my errant thinking was that since i wasn't a participant, as long as i lived in a respectful manner, what they did had little effect on me. which i should add is usually the sh!t they always say in their defence. but the reality is, the 'fans' of muscle p0rn errantly assume that ALL fbb's participate in muscle p0rn. secondly, it is even more difficult to be sponsored as an fbb because there isn't a company alive willing to tie its reputation to a muscle p0rn star.

so as my 'mass with class' sister's of iron dwindle in numbers due to health issues, prep issues, monetary issues or a lack of interest in where the sport is heading. the fbb pro ho's seem to be growing in numbers like a cancer.

the shoulder - i continue to have issues with my shoulder. i've been getting treatments by both terri and olivia. some weeks it feels like it's on its way back and other weeks i can barely press marshmallows over head. part of the problem stems from damages incurred during the rollerblading days, (the broken wrist, the separated shoulder and the multitude of rotator cuff tears). add to the the stress injury from some of the more dynamic movements i have added into my training of late, the lateral throws and the heavier push presses, i've ended up with a shoulder that no longer tracks properly and is filled with a lot of scar tissue.

the fatigue - oddly enough continues. i've changed my training from a 6 day a week split down to a 5 day a week, simply because i was too tired to make it through a full training week. i tried changing my off days and even how hard i was pushing myself on the gym floor, but i was still finding i was taking off more days than i was getting in. soldiering through the fatigue, who do nothing more than bring on another stomach episode. so i have learned to recognize the role that the fatigue plays and respect it with the time off my body craves. last week was the first training week i have completed since this madness began. i think i will slowly start ramping things back up and see how i do.

the mood - my mood has been sh!tty of late to say the least. between the stomach, the shoulder and the fatigue i have not exactly been little mary sunshine. but then one of my friends called me on it. she asked what was wrong as she was finding me to be distant and irritable. i guess in my head i was keeping my issues to myself but i have to admit the 'distant' thing really caught me off guard. i asked around and well i was more than a bit shocked to hear things like "well no more distant than usual". but i guess if more than one friend is feeling that, then i guess that makes it true. it doesn't make it any easier to hear, but i guess it makes it true.

i have probably reacted the wrong way to learning of my 'distant' nature. basically i've spent even less time with the friends who find me distant. i figure that while i am dealing with all the other crap, i'm less likely to be fun to be around. case in point, i did recently spend some time with a friend who finds me distant. and although she claimed she would not be affected by my moods suffice it to say, she is not the actress she thought she was, hurt was written all over her face.

yesterday i logged 230 km's on my bike. i went out by myself. not by necessity mind you, i had originally expressed interest in going on a group ride. but when push came to shove, i really didn't trust myself to be anyone. it probably wasn't my smartest decision as i was out on some country roads in the middle of nowhere, but i also didn't lose any friends yesterday so that is a good thing.

be careful what you ask for

i haven't been around. things have been both good and bad.

the good:

the weight loss effort - i've hit my interim goal weight. however, it's still not as tight as i'd like so i am dieting the rest of this month. i hope to come in a few lbs less.

the bike - the mods on the bike are complete and she is looking sweet, to say the least. i promise a pic in the not too distant future.

my work schedule - it has been over a month since i've had a 7-day work week. i am not too surprised to notice that the weight losses increased after i quit working for the gym.

my stomach - i have had fewer attacks and the ones that i have had are far less severe than before.

-going back to bed- more to come later

as the stomach churns

it has now been a week since i stepped down from my position at the gym. stepping down did not automatically bring an end to the gastric complaints. since it took a good 5 months of abuse to get to this point, it is likely going to take a few weeks before things settle back down.

it was a nice change of pace to be able to spend so much time resting this past weekend. and i was amazed how much stuff i was able to actually get done.

c'est tout!!

know when to hold 'em, know when to fold 'em...

and when to run.

my stomach attack started monday at 3:30 pm it continued through the day and into the night. in fact it made kept me up until sometime after midnight. i was still experiencing nausea the following morning.

during my lunch hour on tuesday, i drove over to the gym with my letter of resignation. clearly i can no longer do the 7 day work week. i plan to pass off my clients to other trainers so i won't have to go in at all this weekend.

change is on the horizon

well it is officially back. my trick stomach has been getting back to its old tricks. i regularly have attacks when i am at my design job. the nausea, the horrific cramping, the sweating, feeling faint... i have them or have had them all. i am getting pretty worried at this point. the last time it got bad, it was in 2001 i think, i spent 30 hours in the ER.

after that lovely experience in which i was convinced an alien baby was about to bust clear through my gut, i had a battery of tests performed and of course the results of the tests proved that there was nothing wrong with my digestive system. the best the specialist could come up with was that i had a 'nervous tummy' and had to learn how to manage my stress.

it has been about 5 months of 7 day work weeks, with the odd day off thrown in here and there. it is clear to me that something has to be done... and soon.

i have no intention of re-visiting the ER.

what hurts the most...

i find it odd, to say the least, that participating in physique sports automatically means that you are no longer allowed to be treated with respect and common courtesy.

it would be grossly inappropriate for someone to walk up to a plus-sized woman and proceed to tell her exactly how plus-sized she appeared to be. however, most physique athletes will tell you that they don't get the same courtesy. for whatever reason there is absolutely nothing inappropriate about pointing out how off-season an athlete gets. case in point, i was doing cardio when another member interrupted me to tell me that i had put on weight. like somehow the extra 50 lbs escaped my notice?

a dieting friend was told that her meal looked like dog food. dog food?!!! we have all seen some rather unusual ethnic fare and we know better than to disrespect someone's meal. why is that courtesy not extended to the physique athlete? why is it okay for someone to practically stick their nose in my plate and announce that they couldn't eat that? clearly no one is asking you to and if you'd be so kind as to move your fat head, then i can, because i actually want too.

or how about the people who talk about you in the change rooms? how they would NEVER want to look like THAT. first of all weight training does not make you deaf, we can still hear. i remember being introduced to a potential client at the gym. she was in her mid-50's, i am fairly confident she had never been to the gym before. while looking at me with disgust, she told the consultant that she did not want to end up looking like THAT. before me was a soft buttery physique, with a jiggly belly and with hips wider than her shoulders. now i know that i would never want to look like that, but i do have enough respect for my fellow man to keep my opinion to myself.

dave, who's routine i choreographed, told me about a time when he was training before the show. he was in the final stretch and was quite lean and quite vascular. apparently he had the pleasure of trying to do his set while some idiot was loudly demanding to know what steroids he was taking. isn't that the equivalent of dave asking the guy how many donuts it took to look like that?

not even in the comfort of my own home am i safe. my mother has an issue with how my clothes currently fit my off-season frame. even though i have assured her that i am losing weight, although i am told not fast enough. i am down about 15 lbs likely with another 10 lbs to go before i am happy. either way mother has been giving me the gears and/or poking me in the stomach. fun? not so much.

to 'help' she has been trying to buy me clothes and/or give me her hand-me-downs. she doesn't understand that it's not easy to shop for a muscular physique. it is my body and i often won't know what will or will not fit me. she also refuses to acknowledge that styles that appeal to her are likely not going to appeal to me. to be honest this whole experience just makes me feel self conscious and like utter crap. my father in his quest to be helpful suggested i start shopping at one of the plus-sized stores. ouch.