flattered? hardly.

i had an interesting conversation with ninja girl today. i was supposed to go to croc rock last night. however yesterday i was really not feeling very well. i was experiencing chills, i was exhausted, i had a headache and a sore throat. i spent much of the day in bed or shivering in front of my computer. i stayed home.

today ninja girl tried to torment me with the knowledge that one of the bikers had a crush on me. eventually she told me the story.

biker's b, w and i were all supposed to meet at ninja girls place and from there we would head over to the croc. when b got to ninja girls he started fixing her computer. while he was at it, w happened to notice my fbb business card on the bulletin board. apparently he demanded to know who it was. ninja girl told him it was me and he was reportedly quite taken aback with what he saw. he even went so far as to state that he needed to go home and... shall we say take care of himself.

eventually she went on to say how disappointed that he was that i was not making it out to the croc that night and that he demanded that she call me and tell me to come on out.

i guess i am supposed to be flattered by the attention. i also guess she was trying to determine if i was interested. i let her finish telling me her story and i let the matter drop. why? i did not hear a story about someone who had a 'crush'. i was told about a man who saw a picture of me in my posing suit. a man who had a very male response to seeing a woman in a bikini.

this man has seen me and talked to me countless times at the 403 tim's. at no time did he ever express any interest in me. he was not attracted to me, or else he would have been when he saw me fully clothed. he was not interested in me or he would have made more of an effort to talk to me at the bike meets.

i don't find his penthouse centerfold response to my photo flattering in the least.

i've got a date...

saturday june 14, 2008... winnipeg, manitoba. not much by the way of details at this point but the important one is there. i happened by the cbbf website today and noticed that my show date have finally been announced.

20 weeks out = january 26, 2008... buckle up dorothy, kansas is about to go bye- bye

the dark horseman rides near...

my mother still is frequently in alot of pain, although she has been keeping to her new diet. the other plus is that her blood sugar levels have improved. this is the start of my third week at home without work and i just found out my father requires a biopsy. ya know it really kind of takes the wind out of yesterday's front squat pr.

:-(

nothing feels right

on the train from downtown, i was itching to train... i was ready... had there been a stack of weights on the train i prolly would have started tearing the roof of the sucka right then and there. so why when i walked down the hallway did i feel the air rush out of me as though i was a balloon victimized by a needle?

if you look at the workout log, it looks like a decent days training. but it was filled with long periods of staring off into space. i really have to work to psyche myself up to train. oh well the big staff meeting is tomorrow, maybe somehow that will make things feel 'right'.

its 11 pm, i should be in bed asleep. but i can't sleep... i just feel lost.

chiefs and indians

the official gym staff meeting to alert us all to the changes is thursday. but so far it would appear that the interim tanning salon manager is not managing the gym, the previous manager is still managing the gym and one of the guys i work with has been asked to take on an assistant manager role.

i think all told... including the managers we are like 10 - 12 people. seems like an awful lot of management for a staff of 7-9.

i went to rhino's gym today. i liked it. its way smaller than my gym but it has that hardcore, we are about the weights kind of feel to it. i really like that. the equipment seems pretty decent. they dont have as many pieces but they seem to have everything i would need. i still have a few places to check out. but rhino's is high on my list.

oh and umm two more weeks is all i've got at the downtown graphics position.

it's just got to get better... right???

p.s. i talked to my coach sunday night, one of the things i wanted to talk with him about were the trophies. originally he was going to take them with him. i gave them to him after our 'victories' and i felt that if he was leaving the gym, they should leave too. as it turns out he has asked me to take them and hold onto them, so i spent a few minutes today trying to hide them among the rollerblade trophies that have been in my room for years. however, one of the trophies is a couple feet high and its sparkly and purple. its not hiding very well at all.

the countdown is on...

i mentioned in my last blog about a bit of nasty business with respect to the gym and i further mentioned that i was concerned enough to start checking out some other gyms in the area.

well since the first shoe dropped i figure i can let you know what's going on. my coach, has left his position. i would be lying if i said it was entirely of his own free will. basically he felt very much like his silent partners were pushing him out... so he left.

well today i was talking with someone who let me know that the scuttlebutt is that 'they' want me gone as well. basically they want to erase any connection that my coach has remaining with the gym. i was told to 'watch my back'. i was told this, as luck would have it, before todays training session. suffice it to say i've had better workouts. it was really hard to focus on what i needed to do, it was also really hard to be in the gym... knowing that i no longer know who i can trust.

here's hoping i can keep the gym gig long enough to start getting paid from the downtown freelance gig. oh yeah, i owe you and update there too... dayummm this post has a lot of bad news. it would appear that the job description for the downtown gig has changed to include flash and dreamweaver, two programs of which i don't have the skill set required. now it seems that even with this limitation they were still considering me for the position up until the perfect candidate dropped into their laps. thus i will continue freelancing there up until i guess they bring said candidate on board... at which time i will likely have to leave to give him/her a machine to work on.

looks like it's not quite my month huh?

a week of living dangerously...

i had made a promise to myself to post religously every sunday. if you look back over the past few posts you can see i managed to do that for all of two or three weeks. life got a little nutty on me and i've been having more than my fair share of trouble posting anything anywhere... and/or replying to emails.

as you may remember my freelance gig suddenly got slow and i was spending more time at home than i was at work. eventually i made the decision to take on more hours at the gym to tide me over until worked picked up. murphy is alive and well btw, no sooner had i changed my gym schedule did the freelance gig call up and say they were busy. i decided not to undo the changes i made at the gym and as it turns out the freelance gig was a case of 'false' labour.

well the gym as much as it helped wasn't really cutting it and my clients were falling off again. so when i got a call from the agency about a lead on a full-time position downtown i quasi-leapt at the opportunity. i have a freelance position to try the place out, for a while before making my final decision.

i needed to get out of my tuesday gym shift, which the gym was able to oblige. while i was trying to organize my schedule, the previous freelance gig called and once again claimed to be busy and in need of my services. i can't remember if it was a 2 or 3 days work before once again things dried up.

the downtown freelance gig seems to be going well enough. the work is not difficult. it does, in it's favour, offer the opportunity to learn flash and dreamweaver. which could potentially lead to me getting into webdesign... which i might enjoy more than what i do now. the downside is that it is still very much downtown, it's corporate design so i have to dress 'up' and it will be a good 8 weeks until i start to see some money.

trust me when i tell you i do not currently have enough cash to wait 8 weeks to be paid. i'm working 8-4 pm downtown. the plan is to allow myself enough time to get to the gym monday's and tuesday's to work 6-9 pm. as well as to be at the gym early enough on thursdays to finish my workout before my 7:30 pm training appointment. i still have to train monday night's so i likely won't be in bed to till near 1 am tuesday.

last week was a combination of all three jobs and i'm sure you won't be suprised to learn that i spent most of the weekend completely exhausted.

i am also quite concerned about some nasty little business at the gym. frankly it has me thinking it might be time to start seeing what other gym's in the city have to offer. the upside at finding someplace new to train could mean that i might finally get rid of the albatross that continues to haunt me. the legacy of my old training partner. nary a week goes by that someone doesn't suddenly remember her and our marathon training bouts of old.

there are things i know, that are not 'public' knowledge. although a quick google search would pretty much tell you everything you wanted to know and more!!! out of some twisted form of loyalty i temper my responses to their queries so as not to let the 'cat out of the bag'. which is really quite amusing since it is quite obvious from the internet, that she is quite delighted with her new found infamy.

now there is always the suggestion that i somehow could not 'keep up' or that she was so much more of a 'hardcore trainer' than i was. i will accept that towards the end she was pushing way more weight around than i was. but, in my defence, we had different styles of training. wherein she subscribed to the 'by any means necessary' school i was and will always be 'form first'. i will not say that either way is right or wrong. i do know of people who have made excellent gains with what our sport calls the 'cheat' rep. and i do feel that i've made many a gain without the 'cheat' rep.

as far as training goes i have news. the good, the bad and the ugly. the good; i've got strength gains through the roof. i have almost tied or bested most of my last off season's personal best's. the good; i can honestly say that i see improvements in my calves and i am pretty sure my pecs as well. the good; i can still see my musculature even though i am off season.

the bad; i hurt myself on wednesday night doing push presses. although 75lbs is a fairly 'easy' lift for me 85lbs is clearly over my... well... head. :p i continued to train even though as the days progressed my range of motion decreased. until i could barely turn my head to the right or touch my chin to my chest. and even after getting treatment i was in no position to squat, so i didn't train at all today.

the ugly; i am well past my off season weight cap of 155lbs. it's wierd i'm eating 2100 calories and i'm still over 160lbs. but i don't look like i did last off season. in fact i went for a ride today and i easily fit into my leathers. last year putting them on meant passing on the luxury of breathing. now before you suggest that the excess weight is merely water and/or worry weight, allow me to add that my coach recently asked me what i weighed and what i was planning on 'going up to'. which suggests to me that he is starting to get concerned.

a friend saw me last weekend. and though she noted that i was holding weight in my mid-section, (which is usually where it goes), she didn't seem to think i was alarmingly off season. this is comforting, as she is not one to tell you what you want to hear.

hopefully this new work situation pans out and my finances stablize. and maybe then i can find out once and for all how much of this is water/worry weight.

finally, as i mentioned i went for a lovely brisk fall ride today. just my best girl (jade) and i. i am also pleased to announce that the odometer now reads 81882 kms. i put her away last season at 76995 kms. i am a mere 113 kms from a 5000 km season!!!

i better get my azz to bed... it will be 5:45 am before i know it.

oh yeah... lot's of footage up on youtube... i'd post links but i don't have the time. just go to youtube and do a search for michesk8r. happy viewing!!!

thanks for that... not!

i hate that sh!t, i really do.

i don't think i ever told this story before. first, i am loyal, just in case you don't already know that about me. second, my coach has gone above and beyond on my behalf countless times in near 8 years. to the point where i know i will never be able to repay the debt, (fyi, my coach insists there is no debt).

years back, i honestly don't remember how many, i used to have a friend. i say used to because she put me in the unfortunate postion of having to choose between her and my boss... i chose my boss. at the time i worked at the gym full-time. i was also broke as fawk and in no position to be unemployed in any capacity.

my 'friend' found out that she could save a couple of bucks at the tanning salon if she got me to buy her sh!t. i hated myself for it, but i did it. after which i was racked with guilt and i seriously considered going to my boss with the $5 or $10 saving and 'fess up. i spoke to a few other friends who talked me out of it. they reminded me that as an employee i was entitled to the staff discount. they felt as long as i didn't do it again i could and should put the incident behind me.

fast forward a few months, her out of town boyfriend is due to arrive. she asks me about getting him a free trial membership. i tell her that he doesn't qualify as he is not a resident of the greater toronto area, and is not likely to purchase a membership after his free trial. i told her she could purchase a $35 week pass or $10/day single visits. she simply smiled and told me that she would give her mailing address to whomever was working when he signed up.

i was on the gym floor training the day she brought him in. the guy working balked because the out of country address on the drivers license did not match the mailing address given. the guy working went to ask my boss what he should do. my boss recognized my friend and had heard me speak in the past of her out of town boyfriend. while they were speaking another staff member stupidly approved the transaction. likely because my 'friend' dropped my name.

guess what happened? i got to endure a series of lectures from my boss on how i was responsible for how my friends conduct themselves in the gym. twice during that workout he stopped me to talk about it. once when i was speaking with one of my clients. the next morning as i was training a client, he pulled me aside and lectured me further.

how did i handle it? i was enraged. while they two of them were still training on the gym floor i left her a voicemail message. i told her that i got in sh!t due to her shenanigans and that i could no longer afford to have her as a friend. thereby ending the friendship. i did get a couple of teary voicemails that i never returned. mostly because every fawkin' time i was in the gym i received yet another lecture.

there are many who have since told me that i reacted badly, that i should have talked to her. however, i am comfortable with my decision. i don't need friends who are willing to gamble with my ability to support myself all for a $10 savings!!!

so what brought this up?

i missed a call from a friend, while i was training today. i texted back that i was in the middle of training but that i would call him back during my shift. well my friend shows up during my shift and he has someone with him, who he hoped i would let in for free. i let him in only after he handed over the $10 day rate. i seriously hate being put in that position. i know i did the right thing...

so why do i still feel so guilty?

holiday monday

today i talked someone out of competiting. you might be wondering why? you might even wonder where i get off. i'll tell you.

plenty of competitive athlete's have developed eating disorders. it's really not that hard to imagine, we routinely bounce between two conditions; one with a healthy level of bodyfat and the other, the extreme look of stage. somehow on the road to depletion we start to equate the stage look with being 'in shape' and the offseason look as 'fat'.

well guess what? you can't, nor should you, try to sustain your stage look. it's just not healthy. you are literally starving yourself... pushing your body to do more and more work while giving it less and less food. and then one day it's over and it's time to start eating properly. i tell you it is indeed a strange feeling to wake up looking healthy all the while feeling like a fat pig!

still what's the big deal with letting someone try to compete? well with all the stress, the damage that we do to our bodies in the quest for the perfect physique and for microscopic levels of bodyfat... you really have to be sure your in it for the right reasons.

i sat down for a bite a few weeks back with a friend who did a show. she started prepping to see what it was like, to see if she could. many times during the journey, when she realized it was the hardest thing she ever tried to do, she seriously considered quitting. except in doing so, she felt she would let her boyfriend down and so she saw it through... all the way to the bitter end. after the show, she couldn't handle the weight gain. she ate the food she craved... but couldn't stomach being out of stage shape. and thus she found herself in the wonderful world of bulimia.

so what does what happened to one competitor have to do with another? maybe everything, maybe nothing but i do know that this 'competitor' is looking for a goal. a way to help him stay motivated to diet. yes folks, that dayumm show prep diet again. how do i convince people that this lifestyle is so not the recipe for success people expect it to be?

what did i tell him? i told him, by all means train like a bber. run a cutting diet once a year to see what you look like. but do not prep and compete unless you really and truly want the competitive bb lifestyle. there is NOTHING healthy about show prep. when you sit down and consider all the cons... you really start to wonder why people bother; suits, food, supplementation, tanning, diet coaches, training coaches, posing coaches, entry fees, membership fees, gym memberships, hotel and travel expenses, the all out frontal assault on your metabolism, the onseason and offseason wardrobes, photoshoot wardrobes, etc... all for a $10 trophy. but for those of us who live and breathe the challenge, who truly appreciate the beauty of the sport... it truly is worth it.

but it still isn't for everyone.

random thoughts

first thing i want to mention is something i noticed yesterday while en route to the gym. someone was driving a stretched hummer. now on a good day i find a hummer to be an unattractive vehicle. however when you stretch it 15 or 20 feet long you really only end up with a rolling block of ugly!!!

i found a female member on a bench in the locker room today. she appeared to have a compress on her head. i was quite relieved to discover that she was fine and merely resting. earlier in the week i had the misfortune of being the first employee to happen upon some 3D art that some random member had created all over the handicapped stall... and i do mean all over. such a bold and vibrant use of green bean and bile... a true artist. a leg workout had proved to be too much and she projectile puked everywhere. you can tell she tried, in vain, to clean it up as evidenced by the wads of puke soaked toilet paper that was clogging the bowl. so guess what i did for cardio that day? 45 minutes of mopping and plunging... yippee!! of course the question remains why didn't she report it?

i have some good news for you. i've had a design project. i've been working on a logo design for the photographer who did my last photo shoot. well i'm happy to report we have a winner. it's not the design treatment that i like, which is frequently the way in this business. anyway that means the next project on the agenda is the website. where said photo's will finally be up on display.

originally i could come up with no valid reason for having a website. i mean i am by no means a lenda murray and frankly i have a hard time imagining what i would even do with one... or who would even look at it. sometimes i actually wonder who is even reading this blog, ya know? recently a television commercial audition came my way. as it happened i was unable to make the audtion, but i realize now that i could have supplied my url to the casting director. don't get me wrong i don't expected that it would have changed the outcome in any way... but all im saying is, i can finally see a use.

the interesting part will be getting used to the muscle fans. not so much as fans of the sport, so much as fans of women of muscle. those usually referred to as schmoes. i am a simple girl with simple tastes and a personal code not too far removed from half-pint on the little house on the prairie. a lot of things freak me out. like the marriage proposals i get on myspace from guys, thankfully... i am not really ready to be fielding proposals from women... but i digress. there haven't been all that many proposals but i have had a few. usually my intended does not yet speak or write a whole lot of english. i'm sure it goes without mention that i'm not quite interested in communicating in the international language of love.

on the work front things have been a tad spooky for a bit. for the last little while i have been at home waiting to be called back into work. eventually i hit my breaking point and i went into the gym and picked up more staff hours. of course the very next day work called me back in. however, it is still pretty spotty so i am not making any changes to my gym schedule until things get back to normal.

im off to bed. tomorrow is officially thanksgiving and i've got clients to train and a 5 hour shift at the gym. it is also a training day... as is most mondays. looking forward to that.

g'nite.

i've had it... part 2

i guess i have a different idea of what constitutes a pro level physique. i can respect the level of determination and dedication that goes into, piling as much mass as possible onto a body with seemingly little or no regard for asthetics. but that's not what i like. male or female i don't want to see the mass monster. i want to see the classic lines, the tiny waists, the broad shoulders, the TRUE x-frame. but sadly that physique is almost never rewarded at the pro level.

there are a lot of women who better represent the sport in my humble opinion. however, they are losing interest in the competitive aspect of the sport... the sport as it stands now. and i, for one can't blame them. so the physiques that i like are either at the bottomof the pack, not stepping on stage or quitting the sport all together.

i still love the sport. i still desire to find out exactly how far i can take my physique, my way. i still desire to find out exactly how strong i can get, my way. how far i can go, my way. but i'm not going to watch either olympia.

i can't wait to go to ohio in 2008. oh i will to to the men's show. and i will even admit to missing the routines at the fitness internationa but i'm pretty sure i won't be sitting through the figure international or the ms. international to see it. i am looking forward to seeing my firends. i'm looking forward to wandering around the expo, the opportunity to meet new friends and to see some of my favourites in the sport.

i will continue to support the sport at the amateur level. i will hope against hope that somewhere out there, there is an fbb who will save my sport.

but i won't hold my breath!!!

that's it... i've had it!!!!!

as of this moment there is only one professional level bodybuilding show for me. it occurs in ohio in late february, early march.

ya know, my coach took me to my first bodybuilding show many years ago. it wasn't long before i became a fan of the sport of bodybuilding. specifically men's bodybuilding... much to the chagrin of my fbb friends. call me crazy but i will always prefer to watch melvin anthony, victor martinez, dexter jackson and the like in there underwear over the women.

however as i began to show interest in competitive bodybuilding i started to pay more attention to what was happening in the pro level of fbb. interestingly enough i was never a fan of the 'popular' physiques. the one's that go my fbb friends excited, the one's they thought were the best were usually the one's with the lines i least appreciated or they had a look that i had no interest in emulating.

don't get me wrong i do know there is a limit to what i can accomplish with respect to an ifbb pro level physique. i think i have a good genetic package... you can be a good bodybuilder with a good genetic package. to be an ifbb pro you need a great genetic package... and let's face it, you need to do things that i frankly have no interest in doing.

well this past weekend was the olympia and i have to notice a few interesting changes. there was times in the past when the telecast was available and my behind was parked in front of the tv. i was afraid to go to the bathroom for fear of missing something.

more to come... got to run

plan b?

well things aren't working out quite the way i would like. in the last 3 to 4 weeks things have been seriously slow for me. i've been at home more days per week than i've been at work. for the most part its one to two days of work max., per week. and sadly still, often they aren't even full days.

i am still doing my shifts at the gym and training a few more clients than before so that is helping a bit. but the long and the short of it is, things cannot continue this way indefinately.

the stress is playing havoc on me. and i think we all know what happens when our bodies are under stress for too long. i am currently doing a 2100 calorie diet and i am currently at 160 lbs. 2100 calories is not alot for a fbb, in fact its kind of low. 2300 calories should be my offseason cap. the fact that i'm eating 2100 cals and that i've stopped with the cheats and still at 160 lbs confirms that my stress levels are playing havoc with the scale.

so how do i fix this? what is my new plan? well i think it is time to purchase some steel toe boots and get myself registered at a local temp agency. thus on days when i have no work i can go over to the temp agency and get myself in a warehouse for the day. it won't be great money likely but at this point i need money period. at this point i am seriously concerned with my ability to get back to ohio next year and i also fear my show prep will be in jeopardy.

i'm going in to the gym to meet with my coach/boss to sit down and talk things over with him. maybe he has a better idea? maybe he has some contacts i could use.

there are some who would suggest that i get some of my own design clients and try to freelance on my own, from my home system. well at this point it is either the stress that i feel that i am under or i have lost it. i have been trying to develop a logo for someone and the reality is, i can't seem to come up with anything good. nothing i like... nothing that feels good enough. of course the fact that i know he is asking for feedback online is not helping either. it reminds me a bit of school where we had to get our work critiqued in front of the class by the professor and some of the other students.

i've been logging some serious km's on the bike this summer. i still do the balance of my riding these days with ninja girl. speed racer has either been busy with work or she hasn't been well enough to ride as much as we did together last year. i did recently go on a long ride with speed racer and the chic riders. it was pretty cool at one point there were 11 women all riding sport bikes in the group!!!

well i think its time to get back to bed. i've been sleeping alot the past few days. i'm either coming down with something, fighting something or this is also tied somehow to the stress i am under. i do know yesterday my body temperature kept soaring so i could be just sick. i haven't missed a training day and i really haven't noticed any ill effects on the gym floor so it's really hard to tell. anyway i thought i would leave you with a few pics. a couple from the group ride to london. and a couple shot the day after, ninja girl and i decided to stop and pose with our bikes on our way back from the twisties.

falling behind again

so i was online this morning making my weekly check of all the online blogs i read. and of course i accidently bounced onto mine. oops my last post was august 13th.... holy crap where did the time go?

so let me catch you up on the good, the bad and the ugly.

the ugly:

i've not mentioned this in here before but my mother is not well. i dont mean as in crazy, but rather she is going through some sort of mystery health issue. first of all i have zero faith in my mother's doctor. i think he is inclined to merely toss pills at my mother without trying to get to the root of the problem. i also think he is too inclined to dismiss her medical complaints as products of her age and some of the meds that he himself has prescribed for her. yes, i will admit my mother is no spring chicken. however my mother has never been as visibly aged as she has been in the few weeks with this thing. she gets these debilitating pains in her leg that makes it painful to stand, or walk. subsequently her lower leg swells up.

well her doctor doesn't seem to inspired to investigate this properly and i have to watch my mother limp painfully around the house when she can move that much. wtf??!!! so i took my mother to a walk-in clinic a few weeks back to get her seen to by a doctor that george recommended. he immediately ordered a couple of ultrasounds. he is checking to ensure this is not circulatory. we've had one test done so far. i took time off work to take her in myself, but that first test looked pretty normal and we are currently waiting for the next one. in the interim i get to watch my mother turn into my grandmother... this does not make me happy.

the good:

my strength gains are almost back to where they were pre-show prep. and when you factor in that i am doing this stuff while basically still under a restricted diet... well that just goes to show you that my offseason pr's this year are likely to be through the proverbial roof. i am looking forward to that.

my happier state of mind has returned. i spent a lot of time talking to other women in the bb community and they really helped me understand that whole public perception issue. as near as i can tell since it was my first 'negative' experience it hit me hard, now that ive been throught it... i can only imagine that i will handle it better in the future. who am i kidding i have already started. a couple posts ago i told you about my friends 'charming' boyfriend. well i found out yesterday that he told her recently 'look at miche... you guys diet and get all skinny and then you turn around and get all fat again'. fat... me??? pfft. for the life of me i don't know why she bothers with that guy. he seriously has issues and none of this can possibly be good for her psyche in the long run.

okay i am at work, and i was trying to fill some down time... but they have given me some work to do. so i will leave you with some training videos. i hope to be back to regular posting soonish :-)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iJR11Ipgz8I
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D9buO0jvNxE
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z1IfLIPkn1k
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S_FsNYhxiCc

indigo, azure, cobalt and cerulean...

i had a blast at the chic rider's event. as soon as i got there a woman (ninja girl), who recognized me from the facebook guest list, came over and introduced herself to me. she then took me over to hang with her and her group of friends.

it was a full day, a bike wash, a stunt show, a show and shine (since i left early i have no idea what the hell that is), and an after party. there were a mad lot of bikes there... and some of the sharpest looking customs i have ever seen. there was even a bike that was painted like a lucky strike cigarette carton.

the stunt show that ensued was off the chain. i've never seen so many wheelies and stoppie variations in my life. there was even a woman doing wheelies and stoppies on a lil' 50cc bike. a couple of the stunts went terribly, horribly wrong but with the exception of some cosmetic and pride damage... it was all in good fun.

there were camera's all over the place and i'm amazed at how many times i turned up in the event pics posted all over the boards. there is even a shot of me talking to speed racer and she only showed up for about 15-20 minutes.

i went back to the event later that night, not to attend the after party, but to go for a ride with ninja girl, and her friends. well she met me at mangoz and then proceeded to take me on a brisk ride to oakville. ninja girl rides a 600RR and let me tell you i was using every last one of my 500cc's to try and keep up with her. the funny thing was as soon as we got to tim horton's we found out that her friends were all heading back to mangoz. since we had just ordered coffee, we decided to hang out with the other bikers that were still there.

i think i spent a good couple hours in that parking lot and i had a good time. they were finally getting organized for a group ride to hamilton. it was almost 11 pm and i was starting to fade so i bid them all a good night. i promised to join them again, and i lit out for home. i can already feel that my riding style has changed. i feel more at one with the bike. more like i am really starting to ride her properly and smoothly. but the bike still does not go faster than 120 km/hour.

on sunday i was still in an amazing mood. i was still quite 'high' from saturday's events. i stupidly started to tell my mom about it. i was smart enough to leave out the details of the bike stunts. and of course mother had to go and ruin everything. right in the middle of my story she interrupts to ask, ...and you are telling me out of all the bikers that were there you didn't see any possibilites???. what a way to toss a cold bucket of sh!t onto my rainbow. i struggled to hold my temper. i let out an oh fer christ's sake and i walked out of the kitchen. i went into my room and closed the door.

i went to the movies with julie later that afternoon. i don't normally notice the way people react to me, but lately i guess i've become more aware. i was text messaging some friends while i waited for julie to show up. from time to time i would look up to find some stranger staring at me, with a look that i can only describe as disdain. i can't say that felt great... but there isn't much i am willing to do about it.

after the movie was over julie and i made the traditional post movie 'potty' run. while we were at the electric hand dryers, i suddenly became aware of someone behind me. i looked back and there were two women staring past me at the hand dryer in front of me. i moved to my right, thereby allowing another person to share the air. julie however didn't move and neither did the two women behind me. they just continued to stare through me with the strangest look on their faces. i instantly felt eighteen different kinds of uncomfortable and i walked out of the bathroom with wet hands. julie came out behind me, she however found the whole exchange amusing so she was laughing.

all of this has got me thinking... and thinking alot. i remember that b used to wear these stupid little glasses when he had to go out or attend meetings. his vision is fine, but he feels that as a big, muscular, bald, black man he is visually imposing. he feels that the little wire rimmed glasses, soften him out a little and make him appear more approachable. i've spent the better part of my life wearing glasses, it was a happy day when i finally got contacts... as much as it appears that i am starting to be somewhat visually imposing, i really can't see me sportin glasses. and dayumm it... why should i have to?

i get that bodybuilding isn't for everyone. i understand that you don't have to like it. but if i can keep from staring with disgust at the roll of fat you've got oozing out between your cropped top and those low rider jeans that you insist on wearing... then surely you can keep from staring at my arms with disgust??

i tell you people... my ego needs a break.

trophies come in all shapes and sizes

that last blog entry still disturbs me. i know women who are basically 'trophy chicks'. now maybe to an extent every woman is a trophy but dayummm some of these guys are just too obvious about it.

there is this little charmer who does not like his girl's offseason look. now don't get me wrong, some of us really like to add on the post show mass. i know last year i was one of those them, waddling around, stuffed into my clothes looking very much like a human coil of sausage. but i am not talking about that kind of offseason mass. this woman still looks in shape and many women still envy her condition. but buddy demands to know when she is going to look like she does in her show pics, so he can show her off.

then there is another who has convinced himself that he is merely trying to make his woman more comfortable with her body. he buys her dresses, tighter gym clothes and bikini's. but is he really trying to bring an introvert out of her shell? or is his real motivation the opportunity to be seen in the company of a chick sporting a hot little number?

my mother's main source of irritation is the lack of a man in my life. frequently she likes to initiate these little heart to heart talks, where she tries to understand exactly what it is, that i am doing wrong, that is keeping me from having someone. mother does not understand this line of conversation makes me feel like sh!t and i have no interest in discussing it. she doesn't understand that we all don't get someone. you would expect her to be more tolerant her mother, her aunt and her husband's baby sister have all lived their lives... alone. clearly the old maid gene has been passed on to me.

finally, especially now as i attempt to add more and more muscle to my frame... i know the chances of me ever finding anyone get slimmer and slimmer. there is a minute percentage of men who like women with muscle... and the percentage of men who like women with muscle, who have muscles themselves is even smaller. you subtract the men already in relationships and you've got little left to choose from. guess i won't be coming to a mantle near you any time soon.

the strength is starting to return in the gym, which is nice. i've already finished my two weeks of below maintenance eating. my weight has fluctuated wildly throughout these past two weeks. i can only imagine that my 32 months of dieting has my metabolism still in a bit of a tail spin. i am going to run another week of below maintenace eating... i think that my weight should be holding steady before i switch to the above maintenance. remember my friends the goal this time is NOT to repeat the mistakes of last offseason.

the photoshoot pics have arrived. i am still trying to sort out my feelings on them. that sounds bad... it could be because it is a very different look for me, it could be because i have never been 'good' at looking at myself objectively, or it could be... that it is simply too much. but it is nice to see that i really did improve my hamstrings this year.

the last thing i wanted to share is my plans for today. i recently found a women's only motorcycle club. first of all this club has chapters in canada, australia and the u.s. they 'ride' to raise money and awareness for women's issues; breast cancer, rape crisis, the list continues, they travel and they teach basic motorcycle maintenance. today is one of their events. it is a bike wash to raise money for a woman's hostel and for a trust fund for the family of a fallen rider. fyi, in the motorcycle community a fallen rider is one who does not get back up!

know why you are doing this...

ronnie coleman say's it best "everybody wants to be a bodybuilder...", here is where i need to stop the big man and interject, but not everybody should be.

a friend of mine recently decided to do a show. she trained as best she could. sacrificed everything she felt necessary and stepped onto the stage looking the best she had every looked in her life. the trouble is... the other women she shared the stage with looked that much better. this was not their first time. they were more prepared... and it showed. going by the score sheet alone, my friend did not do so well.

well we all know that's part of the game. but i think maybe we also tend to believe that it can't happen to us. well let me tell you... it can... and sometimes it will. it is guaranteed on any given day somebody is going to bringing up the azz end of the competition.

so what happens when you find yourself filling out the 'also-rans'? well the reality is, your going to have to go back to your home gym. if the other members knew you were prepping, then they are all going to be waiting to hear how you did. the size of the gym and the number of people who knew your intentions directly relates to the number of times you will have to re-tell the same stories. you are also going to have to answer the enevitable so when's the next show?.

well my friend found those prospects so daunting that she stopped training at the gym. she found it easier to use the weights she had at home. she found it easier to stay at home when the definition left and her natural curves came back. now she feels 'fat' and horribly out of shape. now she worries that people will think poorly of her, because she no longer resembles the athlete she did in the weeks leading up to the contest. she found it easier to train at home because she realized that she didn't even like competition and she hated being on stage.

and the sadest part of all... she finds it easier to train at home because she no longer gets any joy out of lifting. somehow she now equates training with show prep. once the very act of getting stronger and lifting heavy was a joy uncontested and now there is only emptiness. now she struggles to find the will to train.

my friend is not the only competitor, that i know, who this has happend to. a few years ago another gym member did her first show. in the years since it has become painfully obvious that something changed for her. her training style has changed along with her physique. where once she had some enviable muscle bellies she now is just lean. year round she sports a low percentage of bodyfat. and each day she does more and more cardio. i even remember hearing through the grapevine that for a while she didn't even like training anymore.

today i sat down with my friend and i told her that there was no shame in putting back on some bodyfat or getting back a more 'healthy' physique. i reminded her that she achieved something that day that few people have the cajones to do. i told her she should be proud of herself, on that day she looked the best she has ever looked in her life. i also told her that she needed to find the joy she once had in lifting. that she should not pressure herself or stress out if it took longer than she felt it should. but mostly i told her there was no shame in realizing competition isn't for you. she needed to know that people are going to ask for a while... but eventually they will stop. and when they ask about the next show tell them that she wasn't sure if she would do another one ... or to ask them when their next show was :awink:

the woman i talked to today... didn't say as much, in as many words but it is very clear that she will never again step on stage. however the scary part is that her boyfriend would very much like her to. so if she ends up in show prep again i am sure it will be at his urging. my next conversation is with him to caution him against pressuring her, i hope i can make him see how dangerous this situation could be for her.

if your going to do a show, make sure you are doing it for YOU. find out everything you can about it. go SEE shows, get a feel for it, know what is expected. i wonder if she was a bit more prepared going in, would she still have gotten to this place?

i mean can you imagine losing your will to train???

i can't.

chock fulla nuts

a little over a week ago a story came across the boards. a professional strong man jesse marunde passed away while training. if memory serves he did 5 sets of 8 reps of squats followed by a set of 20 reps. two tire flips and i think there was something else before he laid down. laying down post set is something that he is known for doing... unfortunately this time it was different. his passing sparked a sense of community on the boards. so to honour his passing many of us added a 20 rep set our workouts.

sunday is my day to train quads, thus it was my day to do my 20 rep set. sunday, july 29th was also the day i promised to go out and skate with the guys. although i don't really see myself as having changed that much in the past 7+ years, clearly i have. the added muscle has changed my center of gravity and i really can't skate to save my life any more. it is kind of sad i mean it wasn't that long ago that i was a professional competitive rollerblader with a world ranking. these days on my skates, on the ramps i'm much like bambi on ice. but it was nice to spend some time with the guys again.

my legs were feeling all kinds of special post workout, but it really wasn't till the next day when it was time to deadlift that i really started hurting. but i wore the limp that ensued with honour.

it's been tough on the ego of late. i guess maybe that is why i haven't been blogging to much. a couple of unrelated incidents that due to their unfortunate timing have me taking one on the chin. or maybe it's just simply a case of me feeling a tad sorry for myself.

the first instance. out for a bite with a friend. he started telling me about a new girl he was casually dating. this new girl does train at our gym and i asked him if dating a woman who trained was something he felt he needed to do. my friend is generally a nice guy but he suffers from a horrible case of foot in mouth disease. so first he says that although it would be nice if she 'worked out', he didn't feel that he needed... struggling for words he pointed to my shoulders. he decided to try agian in order to be more 'clear'. he tells me that he likes his women to have 'womanly curves' and not 'mannish' musc-... about here his brain kicked in and he stopped talking and started apologizing profusely.

number two. there is a lot of drama going on right now in the gym. one of my friends there was telling me that there is a series of 'nicknames' that have been given to different female members. as you can imagine they aren't particularly flattering. i was quite suprised to hear that i had some how managed to avoid being nicknamed. she told me that the only thing she had heard about me was that they thought i was gay. apparently she came to my defence but, and here is the part that just makes me shake my head, the guy she was talking to told her that i was an fbb. and that as far as he was concerned we were all gay anyways.

i just found out that the women at work, were terrified of me when i started there. they took one look at me, and you have to understand that i don't see me as being all that 'big', and were convinced that i was going to kick the sh!t out of them. i couldn't for the life of me understand why one of the women wouldn't even talk to me for the first two weeks i was there. i get it now. for some reason... it really bothers me. not enough to stop doing what i'm doing, and not enough to start wearing turtle necks and sweaters... but on some level it does hurt.

as for the new plan. it's too soon to really tell, i do know that i haven't been sleeping very well and i think that might be having a negative effect on some of my results. i am pretty tired so far tonight so maybe i will sleep like a champ tonight. the upside is my strength gains are returning. the downside is i can see that i've filled out already and some of my definition is already gone. bodybuilding is a funny sport. you kill yourself getting lean, the whole time b!tching about the loss in strength. then it's post contest time and your strength is coming back and your disappointed at the return of the bodyfat.

i also received my copy of the show dvd in the mail. i was really frustrated by the way the show was shot... and particularily how he shot my routine. it was a tight shot, from just above my head to my belly button. i dieted for 26 weeks, i practiced that routine religiously and i have no clue how it looks. i have no idea if i hit all my poses properly, i have no idea if i flowed smoothly. $85 bucks down the sh!tter. the funny thing is, this company has an exclusivity arrangement with the OPA. so even if a friend or family member came in with a video camera, they would be told to turn it off.

the photoshoot pics have yet to be mailed out. they should be hitting the mail tomorrow morning. so with express post i should have them in a few days.

the next episode...

offseason 2007-2008, the plan... in detail

there is a natural bb pro by the name of layne norton. who has his BS in bio chem and is currently working on a PHD in nutritional science. his area of specialty is skeletal muscle protein metabolism. i've been reading his posts, listening to his webcasts and his online guest appearances.

he has a very interesing idea in how i might make the best use of my offseason. by cycling your total caloric intake you can put yourself into a state of growth by elevating your natural hormone levels. you can put on more lean muscle mass, stay leaner, avoid the pitfalls of the bulk (tiredness, the bloat and the mental mind game of having more bf).

he does a 4-6 week cycle of maintenance + 500 cals/day followed by a 2-3 week cycle of maintenance - 300 cals/day. he claims its like continually coming off of a post contest diet and starting the offseason. a time when you are typically stronger, add muscle easier and you still tend to be somewhat lean.

this sounds interesting to me. i like the fact that i could stay leaner and could be in a better position to control any bad rebounds, (although george is convinced my last years rebound was more about my mental state than anything i did). however going 500 cals per day over maintenance scares me silly... so im going to adjust that a little bit. if you know me, you know i tend to err on the side of caution.

my under maintenace caloric intake will be 2100 calories. during my show prep diet i was still setting pr's at that caloric intake. there will be a 500 calorie defecit between my over and my under maintenance. which means during those two weeks that im under i should drop a few lbs of bf. as the main difference will be the carb intake i shouldnt lose muscular size.

the actual macro's are still the percentages that george calls for me. i want you guys to understand that i am merely modelling my offseason diet after layne's but that my guys still very much are george and b!!!

the plan for my workouts this offseason are simply a 4 week cycle of training more geared towards strength. heavy deads, heavy squats, push presses... during that 4 week cycle i will do the same workouts, each week trying to get more reps or more weight up. the next 4 weeks is more like the offseason cycle i did last offseason. every week there is a different exercise, the idea being to keep the body in a state of shock and hopefully growth.

the rep counts for most exercises will be 6-10. and NOTHING under 4 reps!!! the exceptions; my weak areas, my calves and my middle delts. i dont think either of these body parts respond to the heavy weight lower rep scenario. thus i am keeping the rep counts high here. as well callisto turned me onto an online article that suggested the real key to calf growth was aggressive stretching between sets. thus i am currently holding a 60+ second stretch post-set.

and finally cardio. it continues... but i will incorporate a more hit-like sprint into the standard 20 minutes on my over maintenance days. i will likely stick with my regular high but constant intensity for 20 minutes, on the under maintenance days.

i did my photoshoot a week ago saturday (no, i do not have any pics yet) and i've spent the better part of the week with less than stellar nutritional habits. thus, i start tomorrow a.m with 2 weeks of under maintenance.

i think this should be an interesting little experiment.

playin catch up... again

it was an interesting week. i wanted to start sharing some pics from the ride last sunday. speed racer, another friend, (to be named later), and i took our bikes out for a ride. it wasn't the longest of rides as i had a family obligation... but it was fun while it lasted. we even had time to get a little silly.

why do i bother going to family things? it's not that i grossly dislike my family. it's just, in my head my family is my mother, father and two brothers. but there is the sister-in-law, her two sisters, two brothers, step parent, step parents best friend, all the assorted children, and so on...

my brother and his wife were having a bbq on sunday. my mother was adamant i attend. or as she put it, show my face. so i did. the backyard was full of some people i knew, some i didn't and the place was littered with kids.

so how was the bbq? well the food options didn't really excite me. i tried a few things but mostly i just gave up and filled up on bread. as for conversation i mostly ended up talking to my brother. no, not that one... the one who lives here in this house.

i originally intended to stay an hour but i only made it to the 3/4 mark. if i did not get out of there right quick i was likely to have some sort of breakdown. gillian, one of the sister's-in-law gave me the verbal gears for eating and running. i did not respond. i was attending under duress and wasn't entirely sure i could rebut without mentioning that. to add insult to injury my brother's developmentally challenged nephew wanted to discuss the dangers of motorcycles with me. he was standing in front of me asking me if i knew that 'motorcycles cause all of the accidents on the road'.

the aforementioned sister-in-law asked me to let them hear me leave... and i gotta tell you i was more than happy to oblige. headed down the street a little bit, turned around, spun the throttle and gave them a symphony in hindle* minor.

*hindle is the after market pipe that is on my little girl. gives her a very throaty rumble. (insert big azz grin here).

things got a little stupid on the board this week. the long and the short of it is, there was a portion of the board that splintered off and formed their own board. which is fine, or at least would be, if people wouldn't be so inclined to act like they were still in high school. somehow it has become this an 'us' and 'them' thing. which is retarded frankly, especially when you realize that many members are active on both boards.

i've been speaking my mind a bit more actively on my board of late. what i didn't realize is that the moderators were paying attention. i tend to live my life under the radar. i am not the type to command attention as i come into a room. i think after a while you just be come aware that i am there. so when i was asked to join the ranks as a mod... well, i still can't put into words how that felt. of course i said yes... quite emphatically, in fact. i grew up as a fbb on that board, i've made some fantastic friends, i've learned a lot and i welcome the opportunity to do what i can to make sure it remains that way for others.

okay i gotta jet... i'm late. more later... i promise

a lot to cover... hope you brought a sandwich

on one hand i want to dive in and talk about yesterday. while its fresh and current in my mind but on the other hand i think it makes more sense to lead you to yesterday. thus i will force myself to be brief. if you've been reading my blogs for a while you know i do tend to suffer from hyperbole at times. and if you've been reading along for a while you will also know, that too... is part of my charm.

saturday past was the annual gym charity bbq. it's an all hands on deck kind of affair. thus your's truly was working that day. which is fine but working at a bbq when you have been dieting for 31 weeks is really not that much fun at all. mother nature thought it might be even more fun to alternate between a light summer shower and pissing rain. and to add insult to injury the game of the day was 'torment the dieting miche'. i'd like to tell you coach b was exempt from this type of behaviour but i'd be lying. part way through the bbq the call came in. we had a photographer and a shoot date!!!

coach b only approved 1 outfit from my last shopping trip which meant miche was going shopping... again. i went with one of his clients as i likely would not have been able to co-ordinate a trip out with my friends sappho and nene. i have not been on a shopping excursion quite like that one in a long time. it was reminiscent of the way my mother shops... and there are reasons why i will NOT go shopping with mom's any more.

we were in the first store for a long time. d parked me in the fitting room and her and the sales girl kept running more suits to me. most of them had 3 digit price tags. wtf!! one piece bathing suits for $215??? i mean thats more than i spend for a posing suit. i tried on a jillion suits... some repeatedly. she put some on hold and we went to another store where the process was repeated. the difference being the stuff in that store i could afford! so i tried on another jillion suits... some repeatedly. we made a choice and we went back to the first store. where again i tried on everything that we had put on hold. she rejected every last one of them. d went digging for a bunch of new suits she eventually found an $80 suit that we both liked so finally the trip was done.

i had two conversations with photographer john butler, prior to meeting him on saturday. he sounded like a great guy and he has shot for musclemag in the past. his hair and make up stylist of choice is a very interesting man by the name of gig (jee-shj). they both came with a different slant for b's initial concept. this shoot was more of a character shoot than the one i did with glen last summer.

my hair and make up was quite wild and we played with the 'lone wolf' personna. yesterday the red wolf was born. we shot in the aerobics studio at my gym, with sheets placed over the windows for privacy. the shoot itself took 5 hours. the aerobics studio has a lot of mirrors, it was interesting watching the only reflection that could have been me. it was even wilder looking at some of the shots john took.

i can honestly say i don't know half of what b has in mind . but i do know he investing a lot in me. i pray that i will somehow be able to pay him back. for now i will have to take pleasure in the joy that this journey seems to bring him. i mentioned in posts earlier how happy and how proud of me he was after sudbury. well during the shoot yesterday, i got this feeling so i went with it and i tried something. i can't describe it, it was a look, an attitude a feeling. whatever i did worked john was enthusiastic and b did what can only be described as a one man high-five with a controlled victory dance.

not all of the shots were character shots. there was a complete change of make up so i will also have some more traditional stuff as well. either way it was a great experience... and a whole mess of fun. i look forward to working with both men again in the future.

some of the boys from the skatepark days were having a party last night and i was invited. i didn't remove my hair pieces or my make up after the shoot. i figured for kicks, i'd go like that. well with my baggy jeans and cropped t-shirt im sure i made quite the visual oddity. in fact, i stopped in at tim horton's and the looks i got there were pretty priceless.

i had a pretty decent time at the party. my buddy ian has a pull-up/dip station in his living room that eventually we started using. but mostly it was fun to see some of the old faces again... and of course reminisce about my 'fruit booter' days. i think i may have also agreed to skate at the 'hoof' next sunday morning. ack!!!

this post is way too long but i have one more story i want to share. there were two women at the party last night who were obviously a couple. it was amusing to me because i've never seen anyone who went to such extents to be that obvious. there were a few trips to the bathroom together. there was a certain way they went about it, to ensure that we all noticed. i don't know who these women were, none of my friends introduced them to me... like they did some of the other guests. eventually the makeup started to degenerate and get into my eyes and i knew it was time to head home.

it so happened that the couple and their other friend were all leaving the same time i did. they caught up to me at the elevators. i jokingly said, 'timing was everything', when the elevator doors opened just as they all walked up. my comment was not acknowledged. since i didn't know any of them i did what all people do when they get into an elevator with strangers, i looked up and watched the numbers change.

the girl in front of me said to her partner 'what ARE you doing?'. her partner replies 'im making an already uncomfortable situation more uncomfortable'. it occurred to me that since they all came together... that comment was made for my benefit. my right eye was so full of eyeliner and god knows what else that it was seriously trying to jump out of my skull to freedom. so i didn't really have any interest in playing games. i continued to watch the numbers change... with my one good eye.

while still trying to get a rise out of me, the partner then says 'do you know how much testicles weigh?'. her girlfriend didn't answer so eventually she said, '2 ouunces'. the partner shot a look at me... i guess she was still trying to get a reaction out of me. i just kept watching the numbers.

all i can assume is that these women were young and i guess still in a militant phase? its funny... i know a lot of loving couples both same sex and not and i don't ever recall such a 'hey look at me' approach. oh wait that's not entirely true. the dark side to 'fbb' is very much like that... and i choose not to acknowledge that behaviour either.

happy sunday!

what a week continued...

my strength is starting to come back. granted all the calories aren't back in yet, but i think with the reduced cardio activity i'm just not as worn out. don't get me wrong i am not breaking offseason records but i am definately lifting heavier and for more reps each workout. but with the increased strength comes an increased need for calories... so currently i am always hungry.

my sleep pattern has hit the skids. although the upside is that it has yet to really affect my mood, (yesterday at the gym bbq withstanding... more on that later). i think the sleeplessness is a mixture of a few variables. as we all know i am a worrier, tis what i do, and to quote an old carly simon song 'nobody does it better'. the monatary situation continues to be a challenge. granted i went from one job right into a freelance contract but i have yet to collect my first payment. this is not uncommon in the freelance game, which is why it is always smartest to have a bankroll going in.

in order to make the money last i have been doing without a lot of things, but i do owe a lot of money and it would be nice to start working my way back out of debt. my contact lenses clearly need to be replaced, i've had them for years, the prescription is fine, but they no longer respond to weekly cleaning. and if that weren't enough on friday the 13th i knocked my glasses off and broke the arm off. so as i sit here and type this blog i have my glasses balanced quite precariously upon my nose.

besides being hungry and worrying about my finances i have also returned to my previous habit of planning my day, week, month, workout... in my head when i should be trying to relax and fall asleep. the planning, i am told, is something i can control but i have yet to figure out how to actually do it.

i have to go into the gym a little later this morning. one of my friends is prepping for a show. her boyfriend is still trying to learn how to support a competitive athlete and all that entails. thus, to help her out i offered to shoot her progress pics and today we will be shooting again.

its interesting how very difficult it is for competitive athletes to find supportive partners. the upside is, the one's who are truly supportive, more than make up for the rest... and sometimes they can even give a big ole pessimist like me a sliver of hope.

of course then i wake up LOL. have a great day!

what a week!!

talk about busy. i am still freelancing at the same place. partway through monday's work day they realized that they would need me for the rest of the week and likely most, if not all, of next week. there were a brief couple of minutes wherein they thought they would be sending me home early and at best i got out of there one day 30 minutes early. and i am now officially freelancer of choice... the name plate went up outside my cubicle on tuesday.

tuesday and wednesday i go straight from one job to the next. which tends to earn me a couple late nights. particularily wednesday as i train after my shift ends. had an interesting experience on wednesday with a new member.

seems the little woman came in and bought him a membership for his birthday, and he was required to come in and have his picture taken and sign his release form. when i handed him the release form he balked. then he poured over it, which is fine i don't expect anyone to sign anything they haven't read. but then he says that he isn't signing the release and that he wants his money back. i inform him that i don't have to power to do that and that he would have to call the gym the next day and speak to the club manager. well then he really gets his knickers in a twist. tells me that he isn't going to sign a piece of paper that says it's not his fault if he gets hurt. if the equipment malfunctions and he gets hurt it is our fault. then he tells me his wife was kind enough to put up the money up front and he demands the refund just as quickly. so i phone the club manager and captain sunshine continues his ranting.

i am on the phone with the manager and i am outlining the situation, when he leans in and announces that he would 'like to speak to someone in management'. i pause briefly and explain that i am currently on the phone with the manager. he again says well 'i would like to talk to them... myself!'. i pause... and without much in the way of acknowledgement i return to my conversation with the club manager. which is probably what prompted mr charming to say 'and tell them they need better help!!'. when i was done outlining the situation i told the manager that happy and smiles was demanding to talk to him, and then i handed chuckles the phone. they worked out a deal that made goofy happy and i let him in to go train.

now his mood has changed, now he is my very best friend. 'sorry about all that business before, i've had a bad experience with waivers'. fair enough sir, enjoy your workout (which is miche for go fawk yourself!!!). he takes two steps away and leans back and says 'don't mind me... i don't get out much'. not minding him would have been easier had he simply fawked off like i had asked. i probably said did appropriate like smiled.

now here is the best part. he comes out after his workout and i am stationed behind the juice bar. he of course would like me to make him a shake. still being all sweetness and light. calling me honey and sh!t like that. thinking he is making it better i am sure... but how do you make miche see red? talk down to her and call her honey, baby, sweetheart or any of that sh!t. i make the shake and get this he insists on leaving me a .75 cent tip.

since when does .75 cents make up for being a total azz hat??

late for the gym... more to post to this thread later.

i made the right decision

a lot of times we play the 'shoulda, coulda, woulda' game and all we really end up doing is making ourselves crazy with the 'what ifs'. i always recommend that friends make a decision, stick with it and not look back. sometimes i even manage to take my own advice.

well my friends, the official stage shots came in the mail today. and since i've been home i have been pouring over them quite intently. i am proud of myself, i did what i set out to do... i was vastly improved from last years condition. i can also see that i made the right decision to sit out the canadian naturals this year. although i still believe i would have done well... it's obvious to me that my physique is not yet of the calibre of the women who won the respective weight classes. don't get me wrong i would not have embarrased myself being on stage with them, but i believe next year i will be more competitive. and after all is that not the true goal of our sport?

in many way's i am glad that the pictures came when they did. i believe that after we diet, as many weeks as we do, we tend to get a slightly distorted view of our conditioning. often i think we credit ourselves with being in better shape than we were. i can honestly say that i thought i looked better than the pictures clearly indicate. is that a bad thing? no, not really... quite the contrary, i can see what i need to improve on for next year.

i have been thinking that the target for 2008 is 8-9% bodyfat. i am not sure how hard it will be to get down there, but based on what i see when i look at this years pictures, i could have still been a bit leaner. my quads could be a bit more defined. unfortunately there were no shots taken of my hamstrings an area that i focused on for 2007.

i hope this post does not come across as sullen, depressed or defeated. what it is, is inspired. i am the kind of athlete who doesn't blow smoke up her own azz and i don't expect any of you to either. i am a work in progress. i am not yet done... but if there is one thing i learned in 2007, it is... that i can do anything i set my mind to.

rambling...

so i stopped by my friend paul's place today. basically, he has printed up some posters that we are going to display in the gym. he wanted to hear what was going on with me and when i told him about the photoshoot snafu, he came up with a suggestion that i think could work. i can't wait to talk it over with coach b tomorrow and see what he thinks.

today's workout was pretty inspired, i blame it on the extra calories... carbs truly are a wonderful thing. it was not a workout up to my offseason standards but it was nice, to say the least to start to push a bit more weight.

alot of us like to document our workouts. it's just a handy tool to track improvements in strength and condition, or when things are going south... it can also point out what needs to be adjusted, corrected, or changed. well over the year's i've had a variety of training logs. my favourite was the weider log, unfortunately it has since been discontinued and nothing on the shelves now... seems to come close. some of us prefer to use a regular notebook but i prefer the log book.

i find myself in need of a new book, smack dab in the middle of the year. well it finally occurred to me, why not take the best bits of all the books i've enjoyed and design one specifically for me. so i did that today. i picked up a small 3-ring binder, (with a 5.5 x 8.5" sheet size), at a clearance store. and i created my own log pages... why didn't i think of this sooner??

a dose of reality

well it wouldn't be interesting if it was easy.

i guess that is the mindset that attracts to me to each and every challenge i face. be it skiing, ski racing, rollerblading, ramp skating, snowboarding, bb... the list is endless. so i guess i shouldn't be too deterred by the realization that i may not instantly land upon my feet like a cat.

what in the hell am i talking about?

on friday the production manager, where i am currently freelancing, had a talk with me. regardless of the fact that i have been set up with email and have a pass card to the building. there just isn't the workload to keep me on indefinately. bummer! oh well... eye of the tiger, i will survive.

friday, while i was at work i got a call from my father. he wanted to know if i was expecting a package. i am expecting 3 shipments; the overall trophy, the official show pics and a copy of the video. he told me that a package was waiting at the house. he didn't tell me anymore than that and i didn't ask. my parents still do not know that i compete. since i don't compete, it might be a tad tricky to explain the trophies and whatnot. so i spent the entire afternoon wondering what was waiting at the house.

it was the trophy. here is a picture of the overall trophy and since i don't remember showing you the first place trophy, here she is too. the heavyweight 1st place trophy is currently in two pieces. since the overall trophy is made of glass you can bet your bottom dollar it's NOT going to the gym!!












































today was the day i had set aside to have my cheat meal. it was my belated mother's day celebration. the plan was to take mom out for lunch and a movie. she knew i was dieting on mother's day, she just didn't know the real reason behind the diet. i have been planning these cheat meals with some of the same attention and diligence that go into planning a naval air strike or a recognizance mission.

the restaurant of choice jack astor's bar and grill. from the online menu i chose the rigatoni with grilled chicken. the last pasta dish i had was december 8th i started dieting the next day. the dessert menu had a chocolate cake called the avalanche that i thought sounded interesting. well the pasta dish was okay at best... not particularily tasty and decidedly unfulfilling. no need to fear there was always dessert right? well... the cake was good, i enjoyed the cream sauce that was drizzled over it, but in comparison to the hunks of cake i have enjoyed with my cheats in weeks past... well this was reminiscent of an marginally overgrown cupcake. *sigh.

as i sat in the theatre wading thru endless commercials and coming attractions i started to do some soul searching. i thought about how uninspired i have become of late to 'hold my condition'. i need a specific date to focus on. i thought about how unfulfilling my cheat meal was. i also realized that at 4 weeks post show, i have essentially been dieting for 31 weeks!!! thus, much like george gave me the weekend off after the show, i have decided to give myself the rest of the weekend off. so basically i am now eating whatever, until monday morning when i will return to clean eating and clean living.

next weekend i am having pizza with julie. that cheat meal is guaranteed to rock!!

finally i have recently shared my blog addy with 3 more friends off of the boards. welcome... i hope you all enjoy the ride.

better get my azz to bed!!

everything and nothing

so it looks like i have officially stopped journalling my workouts on the sc board. i've been feeling less like posting lately, i'm not entirely sure why. it could be as friends have noticed, an excess of drama on that board right now. the reason that attracted me to it in the first place, was the feeling of comraderie and support that emanated from it. alot of other athletes have since moved on or stopped posted journals all together. the upside is, i should have more time to post in here.

training has been going well. as well as can be expected considering my caloric intake is still about 500 calories shy of offseason. currently my weight is about 138-140lbs. i am happy to report that even my coach has lost his patience with the photographer and he has now started placing calls to source someone else. the photographer has just been too busy with his regular job to even have the time to, as he puts it, 'pick up a camera'.

the one thing that i am, is pretty dayumm sore. i noticed last year that the first real squat workout post show kills you! i'd say it takes about a week for the muscular ache to go away, just about time to do it again ironically enough. so far i've squatted twice and i've had a similar reaction. it really shouldn't continue for much longer.

things are going well at my freelance assignment. i've been putting in a fair number of hours and i think its going well. i've worked for this company in the past. if i remember correctly i was placed there by an agency back in 2002. i was only supposed to do a 2 week week contract... i left sometime in the summer of 2004! i'm hoping for a similar situation this time round.

if you know me, you likely know that i am a modest individual. so at the gym when asked 'so how did your show go?' or 'how did you do?' i tend to reply either with 'it went very well, thank you' or 'i did very well, actually'. when i am uncomfortable i will often end sentences with the word 'actually'. i've been in conversations with gym members who have told me that i should not be like that. that i should share the results with the folks of the gym, so they can celebrate with me and that i should learn to 'toot my own horn'.

as many people at that gym who think well of me, there are probably just as many who don't for whatever reason. i can't help but think that those people are just waiting for me to do something that they can hate on. i don't want to hear that people think i am acting like i think that i am the sh!t. part of me knows you can't control how people think. part of me knows that people are going to talk sh!t no matter what. but i am trying not to give them any additional ammunition.

why am i like this? why do i care so much what people, some of whom i don't even like, think of me? i think it goes back to my formative years. i think if you end up running home from school with the entire grade 4, (or was it grade 5), class hot on your heels, itching to kick your azz... you learn a thing or two about self preservation.

oh... and for the record, the angry hothead didn't develop until much later. my own little ying and yang i suppose. love me, love my quirky azz!!!

until next time...

jade hath spoken!!!

seems with all my careful planning i forgot to ask jade what she wanted. well she found a way to let me know.

i was out today with speedracer when we stopped at a gas station. while speedracer filled up her tank i looked down and low and behold my right signal light was hanging from the fairing by the wires. it would appear that the plastic weld on that side has finally given out. so it was back to speedracer's house for a quick patch job.

yup, jade wants the facelift!!!

pics to follow... courtesy of speedracer

enjoy!

untitled... thus far

its 6:30 am holiday monday. for those of you not canadian, july 1st is canada's birthday, our 'dominion day'. i can honestly say this was the first three day weekend in quite some time that i wasn't desperately looking forward to. could it be that i am currently in a happier place right now? i do hope so. people at the gym seem to think so. there have been more than a few comments of late about how nice it is that i have my smile back.

we have three trophies at the gym. one was won by a basketball team we sponsored and the other two are mine; last years 2nd place and this years first. one of my clients has always said that there should be a trophy case installed. he even went so far as to say he was going to get one and bring it in. i am fairly certain he was joking.

yesterday while at the gym waiting my client to show up. i happened to look up at where the trophies were the figurine on the 2007 trophy was sporting a pimp lean that i didn't quite remember. i asked the staff guy what was up with the trophy and he went over to where she was to pick her up. she came up but the base didn't. rob set about trying to fix her with duct tape. rob's got a big heart... and he is a bit of a character in his own right.

my client came in, in the midst of operation trophy repair and he was pretty upset. he has taken the pieces of my trophy to his 'plant' where he intends on fixing her. he then told my coach that he WILL be also be bringing in a trophy case!!

i am still having my one meal a week cheat, it is still a gorge fest at this point. saturday night was with some of my friends from the old skatepark days. and i even got to meet a couple of the new girlfriends. both kathleen and kerry seem very nice... but mostly it was just really nice to see rog and jamie so happy. we went to casey's where i polished off another 3 cheese bison burger, sweet potato fries, 2 roses from my cookie bouqet and heidi's mile high chocolate cake. i was STUFFED... i am amazed really, that i didn't hurl in my helmet on the bumpy ride home.

speaking of jade, there is news on the bike front. i recently burned out my headlight bulb and on saturday morning i replaced it. working on a bike is not an easy thing to do. everything is so close together and the space small and confined. you can only really either look at what you need to do or put your hands in there and do it. that brings my bike maintenance/repair skills up to three. i can bleed the gas from the carb to unblock any dirt deposits, i can remove and replace the battery and now i can replace a bulb. i must say i really do enjoy learning how to take care of jade.

i joined a ex 500 bike forum and its helped me understand my bike a bit more. its also cool because a lot of those guys have modified or restored their bikes and it has always been something i've toyed with the idea of doing. in the past everytime i have mentioned it i have been talked out of it. i'm told not to waste my money as i will eventually be moving up to a bigger bike. i'm not sure about that, there are a lot of happy ex 500 owners on my board. and i'm not sure i'm going to be putting THAT much money into her. basically i want to do this all myself... just to see if i can.

so my plan is, to store her maybe a month early (like i did last year). and then take off her 'plastics' and her seat. before the 'winter' comes i want to try to do some fiberglass repair on the two really bad spots on my front fairing, (by the signal lights). over the winter i will go to a fabric store and purchase vinyl and a thin cushion and reupolster my seat. in the new year, when i am too 'stoned' from dieting to ride, i hope to touch up the paint on the plastics and when i can 'ride' put the bikey back together. i think it will be an interesting challenge... and if you have been reading this blog for more than a minute, you will know this is one girl who loves her challenges!!!

better get going, training back with my coach this a.m and i need to squeeze in another meal before we deadlift.

the state of fbb

you know i was all set to blog yesterday morning about an alarming trend ive noticed within the sport of fbb. but an errant squirrel took a careless step, did the high-wire free fall and subsequently took out the power on my street. i put pen to paper and proceeded to record my thoughts the old fashioned way. interestingly enough, this morning while i still have the same bee in my bonnet, i no longer wish to express myself the same way. thus 3 and half pages of note pad scrawlings have been scrapped for whatever comes out of this.

there are a number of established fbb's and by that i mean, either with years of nationally level competition under their belt or even newly turned pro's with nary a trip to the pro-stage, who are disillusioned and losing interest in the sport.

basically, they have noticed as have i, that the sport is changing. not uncommon, sports do change and evolve. but it's more about what bb is morphing into that is of a concern. both sides of the sport seem to have lost the enthusiasm for the classic physique with the pleasing lines. bodybuilding was about human sculpture, it was about art. currently we have a lot of athletes, again male and female, who want to be pro's today!

how often do i hear on the boards, of some person who has yet to even do a show talking about having a pro-card in as little as 2 or 3 years. some of them haven't even been training for size for that long and they want to be pro's. so usually in order to play catch up, these athletes have to go a little wild on the drug side.

okay now this sounds like an anti-drug rant and it's not. i am well aware of the use in the sport and although it's not for me i harbour no ill will towards those that do. all i am trying to point out is that alot of bbers, who are already 'established' have years of natural lifting and competition behind them prior to turning on the 'gas'. and when they add it, as i understand it, it's not added sporatically. so you have to figure that a newbie with barely a year's training under his/her belt is going to have to dig pretty deep into the drug well to be competitive.

the end result are physiques that are either just freakish expanses of muscle or a physique without the classic, pleasing lines.

well it looks like there are more than a few fbb's who no longer like what the competition has to offer. and sadly for me, as a fan of classic bb, instead of staying in the game and giving the fans an option these women are giving up the sport. retiring from competition and climbing aboard the nearest stepmill to burn off the years of hard fought muscle.

the very bodies that we need to save fbb are the very ones looking to quit... and that my friends, is a very sad thing indeed.

getting a few things off my chest

it's probably well past time for an update. my apologies.

the week immediatly following my show was the natural canadians or the world qualifier as its officially known. and just this past weekend we had the OPA provincials (the untested tier). in the past few weeks i've really had the opportunity to observe the behaviour of other competitors. this observation has helped me to further learn the type of athlete i wish to be and be known as.

first of all allow me to state the obvious... we all want to win. any athlete who tells you they don't want to win is either a dayumm liar, or not much of an athlete. however, there is a difference between wanting to win and some of the sh!t i've been seeing lately. in any sport there are things that improve your chances for success on the playing field, in bodybuilding some of those things are; diet (you have to STAY on one and stay true to your diet), cardio (see diet), training (see diet) and sleep.

i almost seems like some athletes feel they are owed wins, wether they have done all of the work or not. you are also not owed a win if you are bigger than your opponent, especially if you are bigger because your bodyfat percentage is higher. our sport is judged on symmetry, size and conditioning. sometimes people seem to forget about that final requirement.

you should be judged on how you show up THAT day, and as an athlete you should go into the show knowing that. you can't expect the judges to score you higher because you've been in better shape in the past and they 'know' you can do it again. show them you can do it again by showing up in shape!!!

don't make a habit of slipping off your diet, training or cardio schedule and then put yourself into the situation where you have to try dangerous techniques to 'catch up'. there is no glory in dying on a high school gym floor because you were trying to win a $10 trophy.

and finally, for most the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow is a pro-card. well the 'pro' in pro-card is an abbreviation of the word professional

pro·fes·sion·al (pro-fěsh'i-nul)
- Of, relating to, engaged in, or suitable for a profession: lawyers, doctors, and other professional people.
- Conforming to the standards of a profession: professional behavior.
- Engaging in a given activity as a source of livelihood or as a career: a professional writer.
- Performed by persons receiving pay: professional football.
Having or showing great skill; expert: a professional repair job.

suffice it to say i've seen a lot of athletes, those who already have pro-cards and those still in pursuit of one who have failed to exhibit professional behaviour.

you don't turn the bodybuilding stage into an episode of 'girls gone wild - spring break'. if you are beaten by another competitor, learn to suck it up and lose with grace... allow yourself to be disappointed, but take that disappointment and use it to fuel your next trip to the stage... next time come more prepared. i'm not saying this sport is not without politics and i'm not saying that it is alway fair... but what i am saying is we all need to take responsibility for the times when we step on stage and we were not prepared.

/rant

have a great day.

no, the the victor goes...

so there i am at work and my father calls. he wants to know if i am expecting a package. well i was... could they have shipped my overall trophy already?? then he said something about it came from speedracer. well that's not the OPA and it took me a second or two to realize what was going on.

my buddy speed racer sent me a congratulatory bouquet of 'flowers'. here is how they looked and of course since i am back eating clean... i had to put the 'roses' in the refrigerator for safe keeping. since i am allowed one meal per week that isn't clean i am guessing these 'roses' will last about 6 weeks.

i have said it before i will say it again... i have the BEST friends!!!

and to the victor goes...

the 3 cheese bison burger, sweet potato fries and heidi's mile high chocolate cake!!!

this will be a short and sweet blog entry. you might be interested to know that i weighed in at 134.4lbs. there were 6 of us in the heavyweight class and i won. and i won the overall. that alone is a lot for me to wrap my head around... but there is more. i am now qualified, i guess beyond a shadow of a doubt to compete at the national level.

that's where i am i right now. trying to absorb the fact that after 2 years of competition and only 2 shows i now have the right to compete at the natural nationals. i don't know... somehow it almost doesn't seem real?? it feels somehow like it should have taken longer???

anyway the letter of resignation is complete and sitting on the desk in front of me.

shots taken before prejudging at the hotel

the end of the road...

i am sitting here in my room waiting to eat before i head out on the road. that's right today is the day i drive up to the contest. i weighed myself at 135 this a.m. i still have a day of water drop and other activity before weigh-in's tonight. either way i will definately be a heavyweight... which was the plan.

on sec... the microwave beckons.

so what can i say that hasn't already been said? i am coming to the end of 26 weeks of dieting... dieting without cheats or treats. i think throughout that 26 week run i had two 'sick' days where i was unable to complete my training. but otherwise i have done the dayum thing. i look, in my humble opinion and the opinion of others who were along for the ride last year, much improved. my coach went as far as to say that i look this year like a completely different person.

which brings me to my next point. i AM a completely different person. well in the sense that i have grown alot this prep and i have learned alot about myself. first of all i am stronger than i knew. the diligence to the diet, all that fawkin cardio, and this last week without benefit of sweetener. okay the sweetener thing is huge. i have a sweet tooth... nah fawk it all of em are sweet. i am so very proud of the fact that in order to get what i want i was able to forego sweetener in my coffee, tea and oatmeal. i went without sugarless gum and i did not drink any crystal light or diet sodas. i realize now... within reason there is nothing i can't do. which is giving me the courage to do something else.

i am going into work on monday after the show and i am giving my 2 weeks notice. my current job in advertising enables me to enjoy some economic freedoms but it does nothing for my soul. due to the nature of the 'business' as they like to call it, (fyi you can even hear the fawker pronounce it with the quotes around the word), i am unable to really train clients. training clients at the gym provides me with much needed balance. regardless of how much i might b*tch about unfocused clients... there is a part of me that very much enjoys helping people or fixing things. that part of me is never satisfied with just making money. i guess my displeasure at my situation is part and parcel of why i find myself so depressed at work and so disgusted with my co-workers. i realize now more than ever that i do not fit in there.

so the plan is to go back into freelance computer graphics. i have contacted my agency of preference already and put out a few feelers to some friends. im really going to try to stay closer to home as well. a 9-5 existance will work well with training clients before and after work and more importantly will keep my own training on schedule!!!

the risk is... it generally takes 8 weeks before the cheques start rolling in from the freelance agency. the smart thing to do would be to stay at my current job and bankroll some cash and then make my move (fyi, show prep financially wipes ya out), but staying would surely have me kill somebody... i kid... maybe.

besides if this show prep has taught me nothing it has taught me that i am a survivor. i can and i WILL rise to any challenge.

ok time to hit the road. sometime saturday evening this journey will all be over.

i can honestly say i look forward to my next challenge.

thanks to those of you... who've been following along. i appreciate the support, perhaps more than i could ever express.

cheers