'click' and then silence

hey folks. in case you are wondering i am not in a carb depletion coma, nor have i expired. what has happened is the hard drive on my computer is dead. i was happily surfing and posting along and i heard this click sound after the click the system froze and that my friends was all she wrote... literally.

since then i have had a new hard drive installed in the machine but everything i need is on the other drive. i currently have said drive on a life support system with a data recovery specialist. its going to cost me 'nuff ducats' to get my info but ive got sh*t on there i can't do without. at least 3 years of progress pics, jobs i've worked on, dietary charting going back easy 3 years, etc...

as for training. well i am into the low carb dietary rotation. its going a lot better than i previously expected it to be. basically i switch between low carb days and no carb days.

i had an incident yesterday at the gym post workout. i was attempting to cook my yams in the gym microwave, ive never done yams that way before and subsequently i overcooked them. i was left with little yam shaped bricks. well the realization that i was going to have to go to work basically hungry was too much. hucked a bit of a fit at the gym in front of my coach and then i stormed out of the gym. so i am in my car driving to work. i am hungry and i am pissed off. as luck would have it yesterday was also the day the transit system decided to stage a wildcat strike. it took me 2 hours to drive to work!!! needless to say i was not a nice person to be around yesterday... to say the least.

hopefully i will get some good news about my drive today and maybe i will soon have my system up and running.

btw the bike and i are having a blast!!!

i'm good enough, i'm smart enough, and gosh darn it, people LIKE me!

interestingly enough, this journey to the stage has me becoming more aware of my qualities. well i'd say the good and the bad but the truth is i have always been aware of the bad. i guess i just haven't always given myself enough credit.

i think i mentioned before that i have been losing sleep time because a couple of friends are going through their own personal turmoils. usually they turn to me, to talk, minutes from my 9 pm curfew and because of who i am, i usually end up staying up way past the aforementioned curfew.

my coach and i were discussing personality types during our last workout, which is what prompted todays comments. he described himself as an 'extremist', in the sense that everything he does or tries to do is on a grandiose level. he was also talking about other extremists we know and explaining that when extremists are up they are way up and when they fail, you just don't want to be around them.

it was then that i realized that i am a 'fixer'. i assume that it is a positive trait but since there aren't that many people in my life perhaps it is not. at any rate, if you have a problem i try to help. if you are down i try to make you happy. if your hurt... you get the idea. in a way it suprises me that i don't have more friends, you would think that would be the kind of person people want in their life. the reality seems to be the opposite. life can be funny like that.

i was supposed to pick up my bike and bring her home yesterday. unfortunately her fairings are still at the shop getting the plastic welds. this is not the best time of the year for cosmetic bike repairs as the shops are all filled to capacity with bikes that are getting ready for the summer. the new plan is to get her today. keep your fingers crossed.

oh yeah my coach, had this to say about the impending bike arrival. "if you ever kill yourself on that thing... i will bring you back to life, so that i can kill you myself!!!". and he THINKS after 6 years he needs to TELL me that he is an extremist???

must be made of sugar

set the alarm for 6am like i've been aiming to do on the off/cardio only day. got up this morning got dressed looked out the window and saw rain. rain and i really hate running... so i made an executive decision. i WILL be going to the gym on my way home from work tonight to do my pm cardio. fawk this a.m running shit. i will be sleeping in till 6:30 as before. if i get stuck at work and can't leave on time, so be it. gym is open 24 hours anyway. does it really matter if i cut into my sleep in the mornings or in the night? i think not.

ordered a couple of bottles of pro tan yesterday. looks like they had it in stock too because i've already gotten word from canada post that the shipment will be here shortly.

i need to go by the MAC booth at work i need to investigate what colours might be best for the stage. my coaches girl will be doing the make up for me so i no longer have to worry about application but the stuff that i do own, is likely not dramatic enough. i probably have to let one of those tranny guys have at my face. will do this BEFORE i leave for home. i will not be going back to work like that!!

i still need to stop by the hair salon and let her have a go at my hair again. we really need to come up with something i can live with.

finally sunday night i put my 'music' on repeat and practiced it 15 times in a row. i think maybe i can pull this off. my coach has added this element in the middle that concerns me. concern in the sense of... will i have the inner cajones to do that on stage in front of a room full of strangers while dressed only in my underwear. i mean i can do it in my bedroom but there was nobody in here... so it wasn't intimdating in the slightest.

i guess... only time will tell.

dis, dat and de udda ting

on friday i got an email from a friend i used to skate with back in the day. as you know life happens and we drifted apart. the fact that she lives in another province didn't help much either.

well she was one of the many people i shared this blog url with and she ended up sending me an email. i gave her a call and we spent probably an hour on the phone today getting caught up. hey give me a break its been 4 years, its hard to condense 4 years into 5 or 10 minutes.

it was great hearing from her and it is amazing how many similarities there still are in our lives. believe it or not she bought a bike last november and i just got mine. both of us own ninja 500's hers is an '03 and mine is an '93. anyway we made a promise to do a better job of staying in touch. and i for one really think we will, we were really good friends and we had a blast whenever we hung out. i don't think we ever had a bad or uncomfortable minute. i realized after i hung up how much i missed our friendship.

my coach and i have been working on my posing routine more frequently of late. today we were in the studio for an hour or so. i have most of that time on videotape. i just finished watching it... well the parts of it i could see through the tears. my coach and i are sooooo silly. we are working hard on this piece but we still manage to add moments of absolute hilarity. in a way its a shame no one but me will ever see this tape.

i went looking for competition tans today. the most popular brand seems to be pro tan but unfortunately i can't get it here. i found a site online out of b.c that says they have it, i think i probably should order a couple bottles. i want to do it early enough that its here when i need it but not too early. i think i may have to ask around on the boards to see if i have to worry about its shelf life.

woke up again at 3am. this is a habit i do not like. was pretty tired all day too.

and finally the turkey burger at lick's today was awesome!!!!!!

yikes!!!

okay if ever there was an argument for healthy eating this was it. i woke up this morning the day after a 'healthy' serving of pasta and the day after, the day after a slice of pizza annnndd...

it's all gone. the detail in my delts, the beginning of my ab pac... all of it gone. adios, see ya later and goodbye. bummer.

sent out an email at work yesterday explaining that i would be low carbing it after may 25th and begging their forgiveness and understanding for my moods from now. when i told my mother the same thing she asked me to move out till the diet was over. since i have no plans to move out she told me that she was going to find herself an apartment until the diet was over.

what do you suppose my mother was trying to tell me??

the calm before the storm

i had another positive and interesting meeting with the nutritionist who is doing my diet prep for this show. i am still coming in nicely and i am still maintaining my muscle mass. at this point its almost time to shake things up and bring the pain. by bringing the pain we are talking about severly low carb days. yikes!!

but that will not start until after my next appointment two weeks from now. until then i have been directed to have a few cheats. the man told me to go have a slice of pizza right after i finished seeing him. he wants me to have a couple of pasta meals and i am also supposed to go to lick's and get a couple of turkey burgers with cheese. well okay... if he insists. i am a little afraid about how much harder the low carb days will be after a couple weeks of cheats.

and... cardio is now up to 40 mins a day.

wide awake again

couldn't sleep i've been up since 3am. i have to be up at 4am anyway so i guess it's no big deal. guess i started thinking and couldn't stop. there are a lot of things that i am excited about so likely that has much to do with it.

had to go and find originals of the songs that we are going to use to make the posing routine. i'm not sure when we are doing it but next we will be going to a studio to put it all together. we are opening with the intro to the song hope by twista that is used on the coach carter soundtrack, from there the tempo changes. originally it went straight into guess who's back by rakim but my coach fell in love with this other song that he really wants to use. the beat is cool and all but i'm not really feeling the lyrics.

the song please by toni braxton he wants to use after the twista piece. toni's song lyrics include:

I know you watch all over here,
Tryna finda way to come into my situation,
But you should know this. Its all good so be cool.
Tell your girl i dont care to fight I got him locked,
and he's all mine so you should know better than
To think that you could ever put it down like i can.

now those of you who know me well, know that i always lose the man, wether someone is trying to take him from me or not. after 6 weeks the guy in question always becomes a track star and takes off faster than an olympic athlete coming out of the blocks.

why do the lyrics matter? well i know from training and from skating that i preform best to songs i like, that i identify with, i basically feed off of the songs energy.

my coach likes the song because it opens up a lot of opportunities with regards to the routine itself. we have discussed my concerns and he hopes that i can focus on the beat and not what she is saying.

oh well its only going to be about 15-20 secs of that song and then its rakim all up in yo face!!!!!!

the little details

well as you know i have been pretty focused in my prep and my desire has always been to be prepared and leave no stone unturned. well i still have a couple of stones that haven't recieved their fare share of attention. the hair and make-up.

sure i got juliet to try something with my mop a couple months ago, but it didn't appeal to me. i need to go back and get her to try something else, i think i want her to braid my hair into some soft of pony-tail type thing. im thinking that will keep the balance of my hair off of my shoulders and back (the locks are pretty freakin long now).

as well i did go to the MAC counter and i did buy a darker foundation off of a young transvestite who seemed rather enamoured of my arms. and as much fun as that experience was i haven't done anything about application.

need to get my azz in gear. i think hair and make-up are too areas that intimidate me greatly and this is why i'm not really giving them the attention i should.

in other news there is a vein in my bicep that i no longer have to be training to see. now for those of you not into bodybuilding, the appearance of veins is a good thing. it basically means that i am getting nice and lean, which i might add has been the goal all along.

as well... she wrote me back. which was kind of cool and honestly, quite unexpected. her email was very encouraging and she asked to see pictures, she may put them up on her website. i talked to a few people first and the general consensus was go for it, so last night i did.

finally made it into bed for 9pm. unfortunately i got a call from a friend about a GS500 at 10:45pm and then a wrong number at midnight. i don't think the wrong number appreciated my choice of language.

lights, camera, action!!

so as i mentioned yesterday morning was posing practice. we went through the mandatories a few times and then he wanted to see how i was coming along with the routine. well i have this one area of concern, basically there is this turn element at which the posing tempo changes briefly from a two count to a one count. most times i get all fawked up at this point. anyway we got through it a few times and i have it on tape.

when i got home from the gym yesterday i unpacked my camcorder but i could not bring myself to watch the footage. i was, i guess afraid. now my coach was so excited about what we were doing and the more times i got through it successfully the more animated he got. he is convinced i am going to do very well. this is very comforting, however, it was still a few hours before i got up the nerve to watch it.

what do i think? i don't know, i guess i will have to watch it again. i do know that it is always difficult to watch yourself perform. i know that from my skating days, on the skate footage i always appeared more stiff and more herky-jerky than i felt.

my coachs final comments and recommendation. practice, practice, practice smiling more.

in one of my earlier entries i made mention of a friend who was going through a difficult time. i am happy to report that i spoke to my friend recently and there has been a light at the end of the tunnel. this makes me very happy, i worry about all of my friends... some of them i worry about more than others. but my ability to worry is all part of my charm. now to that friend i say this; i am so very glad that things have finally improved for you. i want you to continue to do everything in your power to stay on this path.

also, i think i've been feeling a bit lost on this journey. i don't know too many natural bodybuilders and sometimes i think that although bodybuilding is still bodybuilding, there is enough of a difference that its sort of not the same. so anyway there is a natural bodybuilder who's website i've been to and who's blog i read regularily. i decided yesterday to send her an email, i wasn't asking for anything, i don't need anything per se. but she is about 10 weeks out from her show and of course she has been doing shows forever so i thought she might be good to talk to. guess we will see if she has time to respond.

better get to the gym.

loadin up the u-haul

holy crap! it's early saturday morning and i am about ready to head to the gym. well i have a busy morning ahead of me so it looks like i'm getting ready to leave the nest, permanently. we are going to be working on the posing, probably more specifically the routine after we train. as well i have a massage appointment booked and i also have a training appointment.

so i am leaving the house with a cooler bag containing my next 3 meals, a tripod, a camcorder, my music, an extension cord, my gym bag with the appropriate changes of clothes, my vitamins, two 1.5L bottles of water and my knapsack. methinks half of todays workout will be getting everying to the gym.

well another snafu on the bike front. the friend i asked to go check out a bike thursday night, simply forgot to go. it was not cool because the seller went out of his way to be available and have the bike ready. now i can't have anyone see the bike till monday and the bike is now officially out on the sales floor. which means it could be sold out from under me... again. i've asked a different friend to go check out the bike for me on monday. now if your wondering why i am sending people instead of going myself... i would go myself if i knew the first thing about buying bikes.

work still sucks.

my weekday client rocks! i explained to him about the situation at work. rather than opting for a different trainer he would prefer that i 'volunteer' for the free overtime work and then call him and cancel. he understands that it could drastically reduce his sessions per week but he is cool with that.

still re-thinking this work situation.

better get going, it's going to take me 10 minutes to load up the truck.

lookin for the rainbow

when i woke up this morning i happened to notice a change. i guess this is the time in the prep where changes really start making themselves known. in a way its like christmas. anyway this morning low and behold i notice that the love handles, saddle bags or whatever you want to call them are about gone. i really can't remember ever being this lean in my mid section. i am looking forward to my next present.

yesterday morning i got up early and my coach had me practice my mandatories for about 20 mins or so after our workout. he said that i 'looked great' and that my posing is good too. i believe he said 'you look like you've been doing it for years'. hopefully i can exude that same amount of confidence and poise on d-day.

ok i think i am chasing my last bike. seriously, if this bike is not the one i think im going to just give it up. i just can't stand shopping anymore without coming away with anything. so this one better be neo*

* you all remember the matrix i trust??

and the reviews are in...

had my first performance review at the mouse pushing j.o.b today. i can't say it went well. first of all they don't feel i am making myself available enough to work. i haven't been volunteering to stay late and work any of the overtime hours. so i guess now is the time to finally up and give up the evening training sessions.

the other problem area was my use of the internet. the bodybuilding message board that i often had running in the background was noted and referred to as a 'chat room', i guess i probably don't have to go into much more detail beyond that.

so needless to say my day sucked azz. i hate what i do for a living and the time i spend in front of that mac sucks azz. yet here i am... with the money to buy a fawking bike and no bike.

and ya know this all had to go down on a tuesday, a day when my mood is already funky cuz i can't train. thankfully tomorrow i can train again.

i never got the chance to tell you before. my coach was a victim of a hit and run early saturday morning. i have been training by myself for the past few workouts. he wasn't injured in the collision but he did have the head, neck and back pains usually associated with a car accident. hopefully he will be feeling better soon.

i have not abandoned you

life has been crazy busy of late. i am trying desperately to keep to my curfew and still somehow am failing miserably. but i am a strong chick and i will survive this and every other challenge this show prep brings my way.

more later... must get back to work