i met a woman at my first NiSS rollerblade contest back in '96 in new york. we remain friends to this day. she is incredibly supportive of my pursuits and often tells me that i am the strongest person she knows. i may have the strength to move more dead weight than she can, and i can move it over greater distances than she can, but my strength pales in comparison to her's. she has an inner strength the likes of which i have never seen. of which i could never emulate although i wish that i could.
she has twice faced the disease and both times she has beaten it. her attitude throughout was amazing and incredibly inspirational. she simply found out everything she needed to do and set about to do it. in comparison i find out that i have to sit out a few years of competitive bodybuilding. i completely fall apart and i drown my sorrows in 25lbs of cookies. i ask you, who really is the stronger woman?
today we had the conversation i never thought we would have again. it is time for her to fight again and still her attitude does not change. her approach is the same as before. suddenly it doesn't really matter who gets to turn pro and who doesn't. suddenly it doesn't matter which ontario federation is in the wrong. suddenly it doesn't matter that my shoulder hurts and i can't bench what i could before.
she isn't able to train at all and i know how much she misses it. the first time she got sick, i was still on the rollerblade tour. i painted her initials onto my helmet and i told her that every time i skated, she was skating with me. it probably made me feel better more than it really did anything for her, but maybe, just maybe it put some positive energy in the universe. i don't skate anymore but i do train so from now on every workout i do, she will be right there with me. i hope to send as much positive energy her way as i can.
she is hands down, the strongest person i know.
Saturday, July 25, 2009
Thursday, July 23, 2009
eureka... and other things
i've been spending a ridiculous amount of time watching the "buffy" series. i started watching joss whedon's "dollhouse" this past television season and after checking out the threads on the TWOP forums, i learned that "buffy" was considered by many to be the better series.
i mention the "buffy" marathon because a recently viewed episode sparked an epiphany. no i am not a slayer, vampire, witch or watcher. however, the jury is stil out on whether or not i am part demon. seriously though, someone questioned buffy's inability to sustain a relationship and it got me thinking about that 'distant' thing.
i think the distance is merely a defence mechanism connected to my trust issues. my primary mission in life being to protect myself from harm. right or wrong it is what i do, and unbeknown to me, it would appear that i do that with everyone.
so after this great insight, the question remains, what do i plan to do with this knowledge? well for now, i take comfort in an understanding of why i am the way i am. you may consider my resistance to change a cop out or a sign of weakness. but by my calculations, had i stood up in front of a room full of strangers, stated my name and my fatal flaw i would have been given a 'step 1' chip. so i figure that i am ahead of the game, (tongue firmly implanted in cheek).
moving on:
there has been a lot of sh!t going on within the ontario division of the bodybuilding governing body. for reasons unknown, there was a political coup and the CBBF has determined it will no longer recognize the OPA. in its stead we have the CBBF-ONT. both ontario federation's are fighting for membership, which has left a lot of confused athletes forced to choose sides. choosing sides would be infinitely easier if we really understood what happened in the first place.
we are uncertain who to believe, who to align ourselves with and what effect that decision might have on our bb aspirations. the sport already has enough problem's without this nonsense. my fear is that even more 'true' athletes will be lost in the shuffle.
a friend and i were discussing my disappointment with the dwindling numbers of professional fbbers who are not a part of the muscle p0rn scene. she suggested that i should lead the charge, rather than looking for the coming of an fbb messiah. that i should be that 'mass with class' bb pro.
i keep trying to tell this woman that i am no shepherd, that i am merely a sheep... and i am comfortable being part of the flock. there are people who are destined for greatness, natural leaders, the kind of people who go out of their way to institute change. i am not one of those people. athletically i have always been more of a 'workhorse' than a 'michael jordan', in whichever sport i was involved. i think i make a pretty decent amateur bber. i have an undeniable urge to compete, to see how far i can go in this sport, however, i do not for a second believe that i possess the genetic package required to make it to the pro IFBB ranks. since i have no interest in sticking needles in my azz, i would need to be pretty fawkin' genetically gifted to be able to stand onstage with the other pro's. i think it might be possible to gain pro status in one of the other bb organizations but it is my opinion that the only true organization is the IFBB.
ladies and gentlemen, i am not neo... and there is a spoon!
as promised a post-modification bike pic. my '93 ex-500 is a sexy beast!!!
p.s: i almost forgot, i think i mentioned that often my first draft is written with a pen and paper. well this was one of those post's. so there i was leaving the tim horton's, where i had been madly scrawling down my thought's during my lunch break. i was working out the whole trust issue/self-preservation thing. with my thoughts in hand, i make my way to the car,when this dude comes jogging across the parking lot to chat me up and give me his number.
it's like rain on your wedding day, a free ride when you've already paid...
i mention the "buffy" marathon because a recently viewed episode sparked an epiphany. no i am not a slayer, vampire, witch or watcher. however, the jury is stil out on whether or not i am part demon. seriously though, someone questioned buffy's inability to sustain a relationship and it got me thinking about that 'distant' thing.
i think the distance is merely a defence mechanism connected to my trust issues. my primary mission in life being to protect myself from harm. right or wrong it is what i do, and unbeknown to me, it would appear that i do that with everyone.
so after this great insight, the question remains, what do i plan to do with this knowledge? well for now, i take comfort in an understanding of why i am the way i am. you may consider my resistance to change a cop out or a sign of weakness. but by my calculations, had i stood up in front of a room full of strangers, stated my name and my fatal flaw i would have been given a 'step 1' chip. so i figure that i am ahead of the game, (tongue firmly implanted in cheek).
moving on:
there has been a lot of sh!t going on within the ontario division of the bodybuilding governing body. for reasons unknown, there was a political coup and the CBBF has determined it will no longer recognize the OPA. in its stead we have the CBBF-ONT. both ontario federation's are fighting for membership, which has left a lot of confused athletes forced to choose sides. choosing sides would be infinitely easier if we really understood what happened in the first place.
we are uncertain who to believe, who to align ourselves with and what effect that decision might have on our bb aspirations. the sport already has enough problem's without this nonsense. my fear is that even more 'true' athletes will be lost in the shuffle.
a friend and i were discussing my disappointment with the dwindling numbers of professional fbbers who are not a part of the muscle p0rn scene. she suggested that i should lead the charge, rather than looking for the coming of an fbb messiah. that i should be that 'mass with class' bb pro.
i keep trying to tell this woman that i am no shepherd, that i am merely a sheep... and i am comfortable being part of the flock. there are people who are destined for greatness, natural leaders, the kind of people who go out of their way to institute change. i am not one of those people. athletically i have always been more of a 'workhorse' than a 'michael jordan', in whichever sport i was involved. i think i make a pretty decent amateur bber. i have an undeniable urge to compete, to see how far i can go in this sport, however, i do not for a second believe that i possess the genetic package required to make it to the pro IFBB ranks. since i have no interest in sticking needles in my azz, i would need to be pretty fawkin' genetically gifted to be able to stand onstage with the other pro's. i think it might be possible to gain pro status in one of the other bb organizations but it is my opinion that the only true organization is the IFBB.
ladies and gentlemen, i am not neo... and there is a spoon!
as promised a post-modification bike pic. my '93 ex-500 is a sexy beast!!!
p.s: i almost forgot, i think i mentioned that often my first draft is written with a pen and paper. well this was one of those post's. so there i was leaving the tim horton's, where i had been madly scrawling down my thought's during my lunch break. i was working out the whole trust issue/self-preservation thing. with my thoughts in hand, i make my way to the car,when this dude comes jogging across the parking lot to chat me up and give me his number.
it's like rain on your wedding day, a free ride when you've already paid...
Monday, July 13, 2009
be careful what you ask for - part 2
first of all, i have not lapsed into a rip van winkle-esque coma. but i needed to re-think my "the bads". so i took some extra time to consider what i wanted to say.
i've never been one to participate in the 'us' and 'them' mind sets, with any of the sports i've been participated in the past. i didn't get the bmxers vs. the rollerbladers, or the skateboarders vs. the rollerbladers during my inline skating days. i really don't get the powerlifters vs the bbers or the strong men & women vs the bbers. i don't get any division within the iron sports.
but i currently find myself in full support of the division within fbb. i have mentioned before that there are bbers who are all about the dark side of the sport. bbers who's bodybuilding includes p0rn... mine does not.
lately it seems there are far more challenges facing prepping athletes who aren't about the dark side. while at the same time there seems to be nothing slowing down the progress of the others. which is just great, all the sport really needs is more fbb pro ho's in the professional ranks.
even though i find the dark side to be embarrassing and a blight on the sport, i did tend to turn a blind eye. my errant thinking was that since i wasn't a participant, as long as i lived in a respectful manner, what they did had little effect on me. which i should add is usually the sh!t they always say in their defence. but the reality is, the 'fans' of muscle p0rn errantly assume that ALL fbb's participate in muscle p0rn. secondly, it is even more difficult to be sponsored as an fbb because there isn't a company alive willing to tie its reputation to a muscle p0rn star.
so as my 'mass with class' sister's of iron dwindle in numbers due to health issues, prep issues, monetary issues or a lack of interest in where the sport is heading. the fbb pro ho's seem to be growing in numbers like a cancer.
the shoulder - i continue to have issues with my shoulder. i've been getting treatments by both terri and olivia. some weeks it feels like it's on its way back and other weeks i can barely press marshmallows over head. part of the problem stems from damages incurred during the rollerblading days, (the broken wrist, the separated shoulder and the multitude of rotator cuff tears). add to the the stress injury from some of the more dynamic movements i have added into my training of late, the lateral throws and the heavier push presses, i've ended up with a shoulder that no longer tracks properly and is filled with a lot of scar tissue.
the fatigue - oddly enough continues. i've changed my training from a 6 day a week split down to a 5 day a week, simply because i was too tired to make it through a full training week. i tried changing my off days and even how hard i was pushing myself on the gym floor, but i was still finding i was taking off more days than i was getting in. soldiering through the fatigue, who do nothing more than bring on another stomach episode. so i have learned to recognize the role that the fatigue plays and respect it with the time off my body craves. last week was the first training week i have completed since this madness began. i think i will slowly start ramping things back up and see how i do.
the mood - my mood has been sh!tty of late to say the least. between the stomach, the shoulder and the fatigue i have not exactly been little mary sunshine. but then one of my friends called me on it. she asked what was wrong as she was finding me to be distant and irritable. i guess in my head i was keeping my issues to myself but i have to admit the 'distant' thing really caught me off guard. i asked around and well i was more than a bit shocked to hear things like "well no more distant than usual". but i guess if more than one friend is feeling that, then i guess that makes it true. it doesn't make it any easier to hear, but i guess it makes it true.
i have probably reacted the wrong way to learning of my 'distant' nature. basically i've spent even less time with the friends who find me distant. i figure that while i am dealing with all the other crap, i'm less likely to be fun to be around. case in point, i did recently spend some time with a friend who finds me distant. and although she claimed she would not be affected by my moods suffice it to say, she is not the actress she thought she was, hurt was written all over her face.
yesterday i logged 230 km's on my bike. i went out by myself. not by necessity mind you, i had originally expressed interest in going on a group ride. but when push came to shove, i really didn't trust myself to be anyone. it probably wasn't my smartest decision as i was out on some country roads in the middle of nowhere, but i also didn't lose any friends yesterday so that is a good thing.
i've never been one to participate in the 'us' and 'them' mind sets, with any of the sports i've been participated in the past. i didn't get the bmxers vs. the rollerbladers, or the skateboarders vs. the rollerbladers during my inline skating days. i really don't get the powerlifters vs the bbers or the strong men & women vs the bbers. i don't get any division within the iron sports.
but i currently find myself in full support of the division within fbb. i have mentioned before that there are bbers who are all about the dark side of the sport. bbers who's bodybuilding includes p0rn... mine does not.
lately it seems there are far more challenges facing prepping athletes who aren't about the dark side. while at the same time there seems to be nothing slowing down the progress of the others. which is just great, all the sport really needs is more fbb pro ho's in the professional ranks.
even though i find the dark side to be embarrassing and a blight on the sport, i did tend to turn a blind eye. my errant thinking was that since i wasn't a participant, as long as i lived in a respectful manner, what they did had little effect on me. which i should add is usually the sh!t they always say in their defence. but the reality is, the 'fans' of muscle p0rn errantly assume that ALL fbb's participate in muscle p0rn. secondly, it is even more difficult to be sponsored as an fbb because there isn't a company alive willing to tie its reputation to a muscle p0rn star.
so as my 'mass with class' sister's of iron dwindle in numbers due to health issues, prep issues, monetary issues or a lack of interest in where the sport is heading. the fbb pro ho's seem to be growing in numbers like a cancer.
the shoulder - i continue to have issues with my shoulder. i've been getting treatments by both terri and olivia. some weeks it feels like it's on its way back and other weeks i can barely press marshmallows over head. part of the problem stems from damages incurred during the rollerblading days, (the broken wrist, the separated shoulder and the multitude of rotator cuff tears). add to the the stress injury from some of the more dynamic movements i have added into my training of late, the lateral throws and the heavier push presses, i've ended up with a shoulder that no longer tracks properly and is filled with a lot of scar tissue.
the fatigue - oddly enough continues. i've changed my training from a 6 day a week split down to a 5 day a week, simply because i was too tired to make it through a full training week. i tried changing my off days and even how hard i was pushing myself on the gym floor, but i was still finding i was taking off more days than i was getting in. soldiering through the fatigue, who do nothing more than bring on another stomach episode. so i have learned to recognize the role that the fatigue plays and respect it with the time off my body craves. last week was the first training week i have completed since this madness began. i think i will slowly start ramping things back up and see how i do.
the mood - my mood has been sh!tty of late to say the least. between the stomach, the shoulder and the fatigue i have not exactly been little mary sunshine. but then one of my friends called me on it. she asked what was wrong as she was finding me to be distant and irritable. i guess in my head i was keeping my issues to myself but i have to admit the 'distant' thing really caught me off guard. i asked around and well i was more than a bit shocked to hear things like "well no more distant than usual". but i guess if more than one friend is feeling that, then i guess that makes it true. it doesn't make it any easier to hear, but i guess it makes it true.
i have probably reacted the wrong way to learning of my 'distant' nature. basically i've spent even less time with the friends who find me distant. i figure that while i am dealing with all the other crap, i'm less likely to be fun to be around. case in point, i did recently spend some time with a friend who finds me distant. and although she claimed she would not be affected by my moods suffice it to say, she is not the actress she thought she was, hurt was written all over her face.
yesterday i logged 230 km's on my bike. i went out by myself. not by necessity mind you, i had originally expressed interest in going on a group ride. but when push came to shove, i really didn't trust myself to be anyone. it probably wasn't my smartest decision as i was out on some country roads in the middle of nowhere, but i also didn't lose any friends yesterday so that is a good thing.
Thursday, July 09, 2009
be careful what you ask for
i haven't been around. things have been both good and bad.
the good:
the weight loss effort - i've hit my interim goal weight. however, it's still not as tight as i'd like so i am dieting the rest of this month. i hope to come in a few lbs less.
the bike - the mods on the bike are complete and she is looking sweet, to say the least. i promise a pic in the not too distant future.
my work schedule - it has been over a month since i've had a 7-day work week. i am not too surprised to notice that the weight losses increased after i quit working for the gym.
my stomach - i have had fewer attacks and the ones that i have had are far less severe than before.
-going back to bed- more to come later
the good:
the weight loss effort - i've hit my interim goal weight. however, it's still not as tight as i'd like so i am dieting the rest of this month. i hope to come in a few lbs less.
the bike - the mods on the bike are complete and she is looking sweet, to say the least. i promise a pic in the not too distant future.
my work schedule - it has been over a month since i've had a 7-day work week. i am not too surprised to notice that the weight losses increased after i quit working for the gym.
my stomach - i have had fewer attacks and the ones that i have had are far less severe than before.
-going back to bed- more to come later
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)