in retrospect 2008 has not really been my year. i eagerly await the start of 2009. i can only hope that 2009 proves to be everything that 2008 was not.
i am still finding it difficult to remain positive and upbeat. i am still likely spending far too much time alone. i have also worked things out with the person i angered earlier... although we have yet to sit down and talk. i should add not for their lack of trying, but as i said earlier i'm not always feeling too social.
i have been thinking a lot about going away. moving away to be precise. i guess it sounds like running away but i am not really thinking of it like that. i have been wondering if, in some way, my time here has run its course. maybe if i was somewhere else i would finally be able to figure out the things that plague me. who the fawk am i? and what the hell am i supposed to be doing with my life?
an old friend is in town, one i know from my rollerblading days. he and i spent some time talking, and he has been trying to convince me to move to montreal. it has been his experience that montreal is more of a forgiving province than ontario. that more is accepted and there are less expectations. he says that montreal is the perfect place for square pegs to peacefully co-exist.
i have two really good friends who live there and from what france said when she was here visiting a few weeks back, i am still remembered favourably by some of the other skaters who still live there. the bodybuilding scene in quebec is also at a different level than where i live. bodybuilding is far more serious in quebec and some of our western provinces. maybe in quebec i could find a training partner i could actually keep.
i haven't exactly started to box up my belongings, but i really have been wondering about it. even my mother mentioned today that i should consider moving there.
in other news i trained with a friend yesterday and i managed to get a set a new deadlift personal record. i got 315 lbs off of the floor for 2 reps. of course she thinks i can pull even more than that. i think she said something nutty like 340 lbs for one rep.
i was pretty beat up after that workout so i took some of my christmas cash and i went and saw teri my sport's physiotherapist. she managed to re-align the vertabrae in my neck as well as my shoulder blades, ribs and hips. i left her office with a mobility i haven't felt in quite some time. i was supposed to train today but i don't think i can make it after all. i slept for almost 3 hours after my appointment, i have been up for almost 2 hours and my brain is still foggy and my movements slow. its already 9:00 pm and if i am not awake enough to train by now, even after a cup of coffee, (and yes, i know how you feel about me drinking coffee this late), then maybe i just need another night off?
Tuesday, December 30, 2008
Thursday, December 25, 2008
December 25th.
today there are no cute titles, we merely have today's date. i'm neither feeling particularly merry or happy but then i really can't remember the last time December 25th envoked that kind of response.
after my 5 week layoff, i worked concurrently for exactly 5 days before work dried up again. i found myself back at home watching copious episodes of CSI:NY and CSI. i've also recently found Dexter on TMN on-demand and i have already watched all 12 episodes of season 3.
last tuesday was a particularly strange day for me. i was haunted, i was incredibly agitated and i didn't know what to do with myself. it was as though there was a dark cloud overhead and i felt like i could easily let it consume me. the problem stems from the state of my finances, my inability to secure regular employment and of course the biggie... i haven't trained in days.
i can't remember the last time i was in to see either the massage therapist or the sport's physiotherapist. i don't remember but clearly my body does. i hurt almost everywhere. my neck, my collar bone, my shoulders, my lower back, my knees, my wrists and, sometimes it gets so bad it affects my ability to sleep. i have been taking time off but so far all that it seems to have achieved is missed training days.
i also recently found out that i had hurt a friend. seems i made another one of my poor decisions. although my intentions were not hurtful, that was the end result. i realize in hindsight what i have done. i acknowledged my mistake and i did apologize for my poor judgment. unfortunately this person now feels that they will need to be guarded around me and i can honestly say that is no way for anyone to live.
i would not want to have to remain on my guard around someone who was supposed to be a friend. i am not a perfect person. i have faults, many of them, if you have the time and interest i will sit you down and list them all for you. i will own my sh!t when i fawk up. the thing is, i don't always make the best decisions... usually in the spirit of lightheartedness or humour i will say or do something that hurts or offends. to say i get carried away sometimes is a poor excuse for bad behaviour but i will reiterate i do not do these things maliciously.
anyway here it is December 25th and my family is getting ready to head to my brother's place for dinner. as usual i am not attending. since i am in such a 'black' place emotionally i really don't trust myself to behave appropriately. i have a history of letting family take advantage of me verbally, and i never defend myself... much to the chagrin of a few of my friends. well in the place i am now, i don't doubt that i'd defend myself... what i can't guarantee is that i would do it in a manner that is either appropriate or adult. in my head i see me letting of a diatribe that includes every cuss word and variation thereof that i know. since telling family members to fawk off is not the true spirit of Christmas, my azz is staying home.
enjoy the holidays people and remember to play safe. i can't afford to lose anymore friends ;-)
after my 5 week layoff, i worked concurrently for exactly 5 days before work dried up again. i found myself back at home watching copious episodes of CSI:NY and CSI. i've also recently found Dexter on TMN on-demand and i have already watched all 12 episodes of season 3.
last tuesday was a particularly strange day for me. i was haunted, i was incredibly agitated and i didn't know what to do with myself. it was as though there was a dark cloud overhead and i felt like i could easily let it consume me. the problem stems from the state of my finances, my inability to secure regular employment and of course the biggie... i haven't trained in days.
i can't remember the last time i was in to see either the massage therapist or the sport's physiotherapist. i don't remember but clearly my body does. i hurt almost everywhere. my neck, my collar bone, my shoulders, my lower back, my knees, my wrists and, sometimes it gets so bad it affects my ability to sleep. i have been taking time off but so far all that it seems to have achieved is missed training days.
i also recently found out that i had hurt a friend. seems i made another one of my poor decisions. although my intentions were not hurtful, that was the end result. i realize in hindsight what i have done. i acknowledged my mistake and i did apologize for my poor judgment. unfortunately this person now feels that they will need to be guarded around me and i can honestly say that is no way for anyone to live.
i would not want to have to remain on my guard around someone who was supposed to be a friend. i am not a perfect person. i have faults, many of them, if you have the time and interest i will sit you down and list them all for you. i will own my sh!t when i fawk up. the thing is, i don't always make the best decisions... usually in the spirit of lightheartedness or humour i will say or do something that hurts or offends. to say i get carried away sometimes is a poor excuse for bad behaviour but i will reiterate i do not do these things maliciously.
anyway here it is December 25th and my family is getting ready to head to my brother's place for dinner. as usual i am not attending. since i am in such a 'black' place emotionally i really don't trust myself to behave appropriately. i have a history of letting family take advantage of me verbally, and i never defend myself... much to the chagrin of a few of my friends. well in the place i am now, i don't doubt that i'd defend myself... what i can't guarantee is that i would do it in a manner that is either appropriate or adult. in my head i see me letting of a diatribe that includes every cuss word and variation thereof that i know. since telling family members to fawk off is not the true spirit of Christmas, my azz is staying home.
enjoy the holidays people and remember to play safe. i can't afford to lose anymore friends ;-)
Monday, December 15, 2008
its beginning to look a lot like...
there are a lot of things to catch you up on. i guess the first is the results of my cardiac stress test. well, there wasn't one. i don't mean there wasn't a result but specifically i mean there wasn't a test. i went in for the initial consult, the cardiac specialist took a look at the two EKG's and prenounced them identical.
athletic individuals commonly have different 'normal' results than less athletic individuals. so the .27 of a microsecond delay in my heart rhythm is actually quite normal and is not indicative of any sort of underlying trauma or episode.
however, the specialist is concerned about how 'heavy' i train. those who train with heavy weights sometimes thicken the walls of the heart. tomorrow he is performing an ultrasound to assess damage. here is the best part, he told me why he was ordering the test and what it was supposed to assess. then he said that he didn't know how i felt about scaling back. i'm sure none of you would be suprised to know that comment earned the good doctor a 'look'. he then suggested we would talk about it later. he is clearly smokin' reefer!!!
in happier news, i recently had a friend from montreal down to spend the weekend. her and i had not seen each other in 6 years. what i still can't get over is how inconsequential a time period like 6 years can be between two friends whereas two others are unable to survive 6 months. nonetheless france and i had a blast. we laughed, we joked, we reminisced about the old days and old friends. but more importantly i think we forged a newer, stronger friendship. neither of us are actively skating anymore but with indoor skate parks popping up in both toronto and montreal, we realize just how much we still miss it.
i am finally back at work after spending 5 weeks at home watching ellen and csi ny. the slow down was only expected to be for a week but the end client insisted on a complete redesign of the line. i found out today that we are now 700 sku's behind schedule. hopefully this will bode well financially. what i do not look forward to is another 9 week gap in pay.
during my lay off my mother managed to back her car into mine. now my front bumper is folded up about as nicely as the back bumper. my mother was obviously visibly distressed and for the life of her could not understand why i could not stop laughing. i mean come on... it is a little funny.
athletic individuals commonly have different 'normal' results than less athletic individuals. so the .27 of a microsecond delay in my heart rhythm is actually quite normal and is not indicative of any sort of underlying trauma or episode.
however, the specialist is concerned about how 'heavy' i train. those who train with heavy weights sometimes thicken the walls of the heart. tomorrow he is performing an ultrasound to assess damage. here is the best part, he told me why he was ordering the test and what it was supposed to assess. then he said that he didn't know how i felt about scaling back. i'm sure none of you would be suprised to know that comment earned the good doctor a 'look'. he then suggested we would talk about it later. he is clearly smokin' reefer!!!
in happier news, i recently had a friend from montreal down to spend the weekend. her and i had not seen each other in 6 years. what i still can't get over is how inconsequential a time period like 6 years can be between two friends whereas two others are unable to survive 6 months. nonetheless france and i had a blast. we laughed, we joked, we reminisced about the old days and old friends. but more importantly i think we forged a newer, stronger friendship. neither of us are actively skating anymore but with indoor skate parks popping up in both toronto and montreal, we realize just how much we still miss it.
i am finally back at work after spending 5 weeks at home watching ellen and csi ny. the slow down was only expected to be for a week but the end client insisted on a complete redesign of the line. i found out today that we are now 700 sku's behind schedule. hopefully this will bode well financially. what i do not look forward to is another 9 week gap in pay.
during my lay off my mother managed to back her car into mine. now my front bumper is folded up about as nicely as the back bumper. my mother was obviously visibly distressed and for the life of her could not understand why i could not stop laughing. i mean come on... it is a little funny.
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