and this from people who LIKE me

sometimes when i blog i feel so strongly about what i want to say that it practically writes itself. i sit down at my computer with only a vague idea and a phrase or two. and other times, much like this post, i struggle offline to work out my thoughts.

so here i sit with pen and pad in hand trying desperatly to work out the thoughts in my head.

the great mysteries of miche why doesn't she date? why isn't she involved with anyone? i have no explanation for the why's i can only tell you what i know. i am neither dating or involved simply because no one is asking, no one is interested.

i spend the balance of my time in the gym, training clients or working out. since a healthy lifestyle is important to me you would figure i'd have an easier time of finding someone who shares my enthusiasm for physical fitness. that is so far not my reality.

but i am lucky, i have people in my life who say the sweetest things to me, to make me feel so special.

"if everybody is able to find someone and you can't then it's obvious that there is something wrong with you. i'm not saying this to be mean. i'm your mother and i only want you to be happy." ouch!

"don't you think if you changed a few things; like if you changed your hair, wore a bit of make up, changed your style of dress, acted a bit more girly and stopped being so shy, then maybe you'd meet someone?" i am still waiting to find out if i can keep my name or if i should change that too.

"could it may be something that you are putting out into the universe? i mean think about it. there has to be something that you are doing that is attracting those types of men to you?" apparently i have some sort of 'bat signal' that can only be heard by dudes in committed relationships who like to have a chick on the side.

and then there is my personal favourite:

"if i was a dude... i'd ask you out." umm... thanks???

anyway the constant theme as far as i can tell is that there is something wrong with me. that somehow as i am, i'm not quite good enough. you couple that with the reinforcments by some of my less than stellar relationship experiences and it's really no wonder that i am the way i am.

i spent a couple of hours yesterday telling a friend the details of my pathethic dating life. as i drove home later that evening, with history replaying itself in my mind, i came to a bit of a revelation.

i thnk it's all tied into that which makes me the competitive beast that i am. what you talkin' 'bout willis? i wan unpopular in school my entire academic career. i was picked on for my runt-like existance; i was younger, shorter, fat, black, in braces, in glasses and with nary a secondary female characteristic to be had. even at home my parents were frustrated by my grades and wanted to know why i couldn't be more like my brother. the message clearly was, your not good enough!

when i was unable to interest guys that i was attracted to, the message was 'you not good enough'. when i found out that once again i was the 'other woman' the message was, your not good enough!

i've gravitated towards some form of competitive sport all my life and my passion for each sport has been somewhat all consuming. it occurs to me now that i am using all these athletic arenas to measure myself againg other women, to prove that yes... yes i am good enough!

i once had a coach who told me that bodybuilders were without a doubt the most fawked up individuals ever. that there generally was some underlying issue that they were trying to cover or make up for. looks like i've finally found mine.

suprise!!!!

as you can probably imagine, i had a lot of time on my hands while i was in winnipeg. i used that time leading into the show to do a lot of thinking about everything that had transpired during the prep.

there was design that i had found on the internet a few years back. i was pretty sure that i wanted it as my next piece but i never took it beyond the thinking phase. while i was in winnipeg i couldn't help but think that piece would have been the perfect way to celebrate my trip to the national stage.

so about a month after the show i had this added to my right leg. a companion piece to the wolf paw and tribal on my shoulder blade.

enjoy if you like art. if you don't i guess you can sigh and shake your head like my parents LOL.

if at first you don't succeed...

so as i said in my last blog, i fully intend to be at the natural canadians again next year.

the show date has been moved forward next year to march 21, 2009. which means that the diet starts november 1, 2008. i will be dieting through the holidays yet again. dieting through the holidays doesn't upset me, what does upset me is the date of the show. it means that for the first time since 2005 i cannot attend the arnold classic. the show date and the classic are just two weeks apart. it doesn't make sense to train hard, diet hard and then throw it all away at the two week out mark.

as i said before i wasn't happy with the way things turned out for me in 2008. i needed to figure out how to ensure that history did not repeat itself in 2009. there really is no other option than to completely change my prep team from years past. i now have someone new who will help dial me in. i'm not sure i am allowed to identify my new coach but i will be following a diet very similar to the style that i've used in the past.

we have already started ramping my caloric intake up from the pre-show deficit. the goal is to keep my weight as close to 155 lbs, 15 lbs out from show weight. while trying to get up to about 2500 calories per day.

it has been working pretty well thus far. we started at about 1700 calories and steadily added in 100 calories per week. once a week i am allowed a cheat meal, suffice it to say i've been having quite a lot of fun with that. i'm up to about 2200 calories per day and the weight has been for the most part doing what we hoped.

2008 CBBF World Qualifier

i'm not dead.

in a way i both can believe i let two months pass without an update and at the same time i can't believe it.

first and foremost how things went in winnipeg. the flight was uneventful and i got into my hotel room without incident. all the amenities that i had pre-requested were in place. the first order of business was unpack all my food and store it in the refridgerator and heat up a meal in the microwave. the next order of business was to rest... and boy did i. i proceeded to do nothing but alternate between sleeping and eating. in fact i didn't actually open my hotel room door until about 5:00 pm thursday evening.

i was actually alarmed at this point about how much i was sleeping and i decided that a walk around the hotel was in order. it really wasn't much of a walk. i think i went down to the ground floor, walked down one hallway, took the next elevator back to my room and passed back out in the bed. the good news was that i dropped about 5lbs of water that week leading up to the show. the not so good news... i easily could have stood to lose 2 or 3 more.

it was probably fair to say that i was of the competitors who carried the most mass in my class and i think i also have a more symmetrical line. however this is bodybuilding and in bodybuilding competitors are also required to be conditioned. and on the day of the show i was simply not the most conditioned athlete. so i finished 3rd. it was a respectable placing for my first time at the national level. of course, if you know me any at all you do know that i am never satisfied with second, (or in this case third) best.

i know that i have the ability to be more conditioned than i was, although i did do the best that i could given all the crap i went through to get to winnipeg. but the thing is, NOBODY ever has an easy road to the stage... so as much as that was a reality and a factor in my placing. i really shouldn't have let it be.

that being said i feel that i am not done. i have not yet stepped onto the national level stage as i know i can, as i know i wanted to. so my goal now is to prepare for the next show. the 2009 CBBF World Qualifier. the show date is march 21, 2009 and it will be in quebec... a little bit closer to home.

i've made some changes for the 2009 run, which i will discuss in later posts. i also have a suprise i want to share with you. but first to end the 2008 wrap up... with pics!