it's bad when you annoy yourself

it has only been a week but i do have things to catch you up on. but first i wonder is anybody still even out there? if not, i suppose the very act of putting my thoughts down on monitor are at the very least likely very cathartic.

we, my oldest brother and i, decided that an intervention of sorts was needed to ensure our mother was getting the best possible care. to that end this morning said older brother accompanied my parents to the doctor's appointment. where they learned there was nothing to be concerned about, based on the results of all her recent tests. my brother pointedly asked the doctor if he was even aware that this was my mother's 3rd episode. turns out he wasn't, according to my brother, the doctor looked pointedly at my mother over his glasses and said NO!

this 'new' information got him to take another look at her results and was now more accurately able to identify 'several' occurrences of 'a type A blockage'. mom has been cleared to go on her cruise but when she comes back she will be meeting with a cardiologist for further testing. i am still waiting to hear how they are going to be treating that cough of hers which is not getting any better.

i guess the next topic to cover are my injuries. i am still in rehab twice a week for my knee. i have to tell you spending $110/week is a little tough on the bank account, but more on that later. the knee no longer buckles, which is nice. i am also pleased to report that i have gained a few more pain-free degrees of ROM. and the hill-climb/sprint exercise that she has me do, well i can stay off the saddle for longer periods of time. i know patience is required on my part, i have really only had 5 appointments to date. chances are this 'injury' didn't happen overnight and it's not likely to get better as quickly either.

the shoulder, she says while knocking feverishly on every wooden surface within reach, seems to be holding steady. i am experimenting with a new training protocol and this program has me steadily increasing, but from a fairly light starting point. the idea behind this program is that you should be able to make steady improvements for 6-8 months before you plateau and start over. hopefully during that time frame you actually increase your 1RM. not only did i start light because the program dictated it but i also started a little lighter still to take in account the recent shoulder issues. i am curious to see how this all works out.

on the job front, i still have nothing exciting to report. i am now applying for anything. in the past two days i have applied for 8 positions, 3 of which were in my field. sadly one of those 3 positions comes at a 40% pay cut. i really had to think about that but i NEED to work and it comes with a benefit package.

it has been really hard on me having spent so much time out of work. it has also been difficult applying to positions outside of my field. i fear that my resume, which is almost exclusively design specific, may work against me as i attempt to land a entry level position in anything else. i can't stress how ill equipped i am right now to take more rejection.

on to the better news. i have been noticing increased leanness during training. a couple days ago in fact i was doing pushdowns at the cable station and i could see the lateral head quite clearly from stem to stern. woot! since my weight is unchanged that would suggest a little bit more muscle in my life. forgive me while i do a celebratory booty-dance. ;-P

last weekend's kraft dinner was awesome! i have to admit i was a little taken aback at the size of the macaroni. for some reason i thought they used to be bigger. i am happy to report i can still kill a box in a single sitting and the cinnabon that proceeded it was stellar as well. i think we will have cheat pics this weekend as i have decided that french toast is on the menu.

back when i was working i purchased a concert ticket. it had been years since i've been to a concert and as well i cannot even remember the last time i was in the ACC. i have to admit it was one hell of a show. i mean i knew that i was in for something special but knowing that and seeing it first hand are two different things. anyway one of the people i went with got a few pics. i'd imagine most people would be surprised to learn i went to her show. in fact i didn't tell anyone i was going... but fawk it... she rocks, she is funny as hell and she puts on a hell of a show.


all photos by: k. platten

and still i rise

since my last post my knee has been diagnosed and i know what i need to do to get back on track. i will be seeing terri twice a week for a while. in another 5-7 weeks i will have a follow up with my sports doctor. he currently has me on a 40 degree range-of-motion limitation.

originally i b!tched and complained about the limit while simultaneously fearing the muscle loss. well it turns out that i couldn't break 40 degrees right now even if i wanted to, checking my actual range-of-motion was something we worked on today. anything greater than 40 degrees felt like an icepick was being driven through my knee.

i've had to make the necessary changes on the gym floor. it requires a bit of creativity on my part and a lot of searches for exercise variations. my friend has been trying to knock into my thick head, that this is merely a blip on the radar screen. i fear her arms will tire long before i get it.

i had a couple of leads last week for contract positions but unfortunately they didn't pan out. i am still at home looking for my next gig. i am also now looking for something part-time, the question is what? i know that the last time i tried to work part-time i got really sick when i got a full-time gig. but i think i know where i went wrong last time and should be able to avoid that in the future.

i am hovering around 169 so that means i am still within my range. i have still been having my cheat meals but i haven't been taking pictures. it doesn't make sense really as at this point i'm just fulfilling odd cravings. case in point, i have already purchased this saturday's fare.

while i was in the grocery store i ran into one of the guys from the gym. he looked at me oddly. i explained that i haven't had kraft dinner in a really long time. then he tossed back his head and laughed at me. yes, i know kraft dinner sounds like a really odd cheat meal but it is what i want dayum it. ;-P

i haven't figured out the dessert choice. part of me would enjoy a mccains deep n' delicious chocolate cake or maybe one from pepperidge farms. but that is way too much cake for me to eat by myself in a single sitting. i am toying with the idea of going for one of those cinnabon's though.

my mother has been coughing lately. it's really horrific sounding. it was this return of her asthma that prompted her doctor to prescribe what we think may have been behind her recent t.i.a. suffice it to say i worry a lot these days.

until next time...

another brick in the wall

remember the last post how i told you that my knee wasn't getting in the way of my training. well that was then, and this is now.

i was at the gym earlier today. it was my quad workout and i was doing my squat warm up. my first set was 135 lbs and i did an easy 3 reps. felt good, no pain, no twinges. went up to 225 lbs and did another easy 3 reps. still felt good, no pain, no twinges. went up to 275 lbs, put on the belt, which is usually where i put it on, i don't need it at this weight but its where i start to use it. started to squat when all of a sudden my knee buckled under me. i had set the safeties and they caught the weight, as of course they are designed to do.

so i ducked my head out from under the bar and i laid on the ground for a while. then i took out my phone and i gave terri a call. she said that it was time to get an x-ray because i might be looking at something a bit more serious than we first thought.

to quote florida evans "dayummmm, dayummmm, dayummmm!!!!!"

i tell you i need this like i need a hole in the head. oh speaking of holes in the head. ironically enough i lost a filling in the week and i now have a new hole in my molar. i haven't gone to get it fixed yet, since i'm not working yet and all.

anyway, here is the edited video from the deadlift session mentioned in my previous blog.

i still do bad, all by myself

there was good news this week. they called me back to work for a few days. two and a half days work isn't a lot but it definitely beats the opposite.

both my knee and my shoulder haven't been restricting my activities as much as usual. so i am really starting to feel in a pretty good place about that and life in general.

things with my mother appear to be as normal as before. to the point where she is starting to see the humour in the event two weeks ago. i can't speak for the rest of us with a certainty, but i am fairly confident that none of the rest of us see the humour. moments ago she was on the phone telling her friends how 'we almost lost her' a couple weeks ago. yes, i get that finding humour in it, helps her get perspective on it. but what really still gets me is her ability to continue to defend her choice not to go to the hospital. in spite of the fact that everyone including her doctor gave her sh!t for not going.

yesterday i had hopes of setting a huge deadlift pr. unfortunately that was not how my training day turned out. on the upside i did set a personal best, it just wasn't the goal i'd had in mind. and since we know i already slant that way, yesterday my glass was half empty.

well there has been more fall-out from the upheaval of the bodybuilding governing bodies in ontario. the 2010 natural canadians, or the world qualifier as it is officially known, was scheduled to be in my home province. however it is now going to be in laval, quebec in april. the question is, what am i going to do? i really won't have to make an official decision until november 3rd.

the 'i walk alone' behaviour continues. yes, still. i have some people telling me that i shouldn't be concerned by it and other people giving me sh!t for not visiting. it occurs to me that this is one of the few times in my life where i've had so many things going on at once. a hell of a lot of things on my mind, so maybe it does make sense that spending more time alone is what i need?

all i know for sure is yesterday i rode my bike to the oakville bike meet, i actually turned into the parking lot, looked at the line of bikes, and i kept on going. i ended up in port credit sitting on a log at the water's edge watching the canadian geese.

keepin' it light

my last blog posting was seriously dark and as there is nothing more to post on that front i choose to make this one a lot lighter.

i was at one of the bike meets the other day and one of the guys there started telling everyone that he weighed 150 lbs. when he said that my head snapped around and i looked at him like he was insane. i was seriously thinking 'dude, shut the fawk up!!!'. but it is what he weighed and he seemed to be proud of it.

something is seriously wrong with our society. here we have a male barely out of his teens, he is still a freakin' natural testosterone factory and a 5'8" the best he can do is 150 lbs???

yesterday i was riding my bike downtown and two dudes crossed the street in front of my bike. one guy was easily 6 ft. tall, dressed entirely in black and i would bet serious money that he was 120 lbs. soaking wet. to add insult to injury he had his pants half-way off his azz and a belt wound tightly to keep the pants in place. this boy-man couldn't have looked any freakin' skinnier if he tried.

it is getting really depressing, our society is so afraid of muscle and size that it is getting to the point where people are going to have to be naked before you can tell the men from the women. or, i guess if you just automatically assume that the most emaciated of the two is the man, your likely to be more right than wrong. feh!

oh and before i forget, yesterday's cheat meal :-)

a new challenge

at first i wasn't sure i wanted to blog about this. blogging makes it real. but one of the advantages to blogging is it helps me get things into perspective.

sunday morning i was still in bed when i became aware of my brother on the phone. he was making a 911 call. i leapt out of bed when i heard him say 'i think my mother is having a stroke.' my dad was in the kitchen and he was trying to hold my mother up in her chair. my mother was clearly unconscious and based on the gurgling noise she was having trouble breathing. as i got closer she started to vomit. i had my dad help me lower her to the ground and get her onto her side.

once on the floor the gurgling stopped and she seemed to be breathing again. i was still concerned with the 'food' that was likely still trapped in her mouth but her jaw was fully locked and there was nothing further i could do. her breathing improved and then she started to open her eyes and look around. she was confused at this point why she was on the floor and what had fallen on her clothing.

it took quite a while for the EMS to respond and when they got to the house she was fully conscious. being conscious and responsive meant they required her consent to take her and she wasn't interested in going. when they asked if this had happened before my father said that it had. that it had happened at the home before when it was just he and i here to handle it. i had completely forgotten the incident and am still only able to recall snatches of the event.

i've been understandably on edge lately. i find i can barely walk past her without stopping to ensure she is breathing free and evenly.

of course it doesn't end there. it's been a few days since her latest event and she still isn't feeling well. so with a little behaviourial subterfuge i contacted my oldest brother to get his wife to call my mother to check on her. my mother tends to react more to what her daughter-in-law says versus the rest of us.

they spoke on the phone for a while and janet convinced my mother to take her blood pressure and pulse. my brother called me and told me to stay on top of that, i found her log and emailed him the week's worth of readings. he forwarded the email to his wife and my other brother.

what i found out during my conversations with my brother is that there have been 3 such events since last may. this is not a good sign at all.

anyway janet has encouraged us to get my mother to call the doctor and see if she can get in to see him today. apparently her blood pressure is pretty low.

and now we wait.

asleep at the wheel

so it's been a while yet again. not sure how this keeps happening, i mean i think about things i want to blog about, i even start planning posts in my head. somehow that seems to be where things end.

i am still trying to find my next graphics contract. i've been without a gig a lot longer than i had hoped i'd be. i've applied to a couple of gigs and i've had an interview. it will take a couple weeks to find out if i got the placement, i am trying to stay positive. interviews are not my strong suit, i let the nerves get to me and i don't always seem to come across in the best light.

i found a visor!! i've been having some hardware and software issues at home and have been spending some time at my local computer stores. on one such visit i happened to notice a hat store and sure enough they had exactly what i was looking for, another trip to michael's for supplies and i now have a brand spanking new hat. it really feel's good to wear it, knowing what it represents and i can't help but feel it's had a positive effect on my mood and my training. more importantly it makes my friend feel good and that's a joy i can't explain.

we've been having some really sh*tty weather this summer. in fact i went to a biker event a couple weeks ago. the weather was fine and then suddenly this black storm cloud rolls in. it went from spitting to a full on downpour in the blink of an eye. i set out for home as soon as i could, riding along the highway would have been reckless so instead i took the city streets home.

it wasn't too long before with the wind and the rain made it impossible to ride safely, i ducked into a esso station and waited out the storm with a few other stranded riders. eventually i was able to safely make it home, i was completely soaked through but i was home safely. it was a pretty harrowing ride, particularly with all the lightening and thunder. but i guess riding is about dealing with whatever comes your way.

dieting is still going really well and the weekly cheat meals are still a blast!! the week after the denny's breakfast i went to lick's restaurant and had the turkey burger with cheese, fries a moose tracks shake. i've got before and after pics for your enjoyment. okay maybe it's for my enjoyment!!

coming together

i had my second cheat meal yesterday. the heartland scramble from denny's.

my weight has been hovering nicely around the 168 mark. i don't have any plans at this time to make any more dietary changes, but i may start thinking about increasing my carbohydrate intake a bit. the plan, when i do it, would be to add about 100 calories to my current daily intake. hopefully the weight would continue to remain unchanged.

i am starting to feel stronger again in the gym. that is either because the shoulder has been a lot better, or it is the little kick i am getting from the weekly, party in my face, cheat meals.

i am also convinced that i have made some improvements in my rather extended offseason, so sometime this afternoon i will be taking progress pics and comparing them to the last time i weighed 168 lbs. i am hoping to see more shoulders, more pec and more calves. that's not to say that i don't want to see improvements elsewhere, it is just those are the areas i feel lag the most in my physique.

the 'job' hunt continues, and i will be starting a 15 hour refresher course this week. school... fun, wow! it will be on monday and wednesday evenings so it may mean that i may have to adjust my training schedule to keep those evenings free.

still no new visor, but much of last week involved updating the online portfolio a very crucial portion of the job hunt.

at this point i do think we are looking at either a trip to lick's for the turkey burger or shoeless joe's for the bison burger and lattice fries!! for grin's i've also decided to start documenting my cheat meal fun. so, until next time...

the wrap up

well i finished the diet at 168.0. much better than the 194.0 i started off at back in january. i feel better and look better at this weight. i am not sure how many times i have to re-learn the lesson that i shouldn't allow myself to blow up like the michelin miche. i guess my learning curve is still a straight line.

my freelance contract also wrapped up this week so i am now in the hunt for a new assignment. the studio director gave me a lead for another opportunity, unfortunately it is downtown. but i will also apply with the freelance agency that has opportunities closer to home, or at the very least away from the ugly downtown core.

the shoulder is currently doing pretty well, so fingers are crossed that will continue. but today is my chest workout so there are no guarantees lol.

it has been really hard to find a plain white visor. i have found visor's with logo's already on them but i want a plain one. i think i will have to go to a uniform supply shop and see if they have a sample or something that i can purchase to put my friends initials on. i am determined to do that.

as you know i have been cocooning myself and doing a lot of thinking of late. well i have recently started to emerge from my self-imposed exile and start spending some time with some friends. there are some friends who actually don't find me distant and who have suggested that it might be time to thin the herd a little bit. it sounds harsh but maybe they do have a point. if the way i am, makes people uncomfortable and knowing that i make them uncomfortable makes me uncomfortable, then what is the point? especially when there are people i can hang with whom i am free to be myself, flaws included.

yesterday for example, i went to the annual caribana parade. i went with someone i hadn't seen in a while. we had a blast. it was easy, we talked, we laughed, we enjoyed the festivities, the atmosphere and the music. she told me about her wedding plans and i told her about the distant issue. she said something that really made me think. she said that one of the things that proved to her that her man was a 'keeper', was that he could accept the things about her that the men before couldn't. i have decided to add the same thought process to my circle of friends.

anyway i am in a much better place today and that has to be a good thing.

i took some pictures at the parade but until i get them developed all i have to share with you is this quick pic i shot with my cell phone.

did i ever tell you, you're my hero?

i met a woman at my first NiSS rollerblade contest back in '96 in new york. we remain friends to this day. she is incredibly supportive of my pursuits and often tells me that i am the strongest person she knows. i may have the strength to move more dead weight than she can, and i can move it over greater distances than she can, but my strength pales in comparison to her's. she has an inner strength the likes of which i have never seen. of which i could never emulate although i wish that i could.

she has twice faced the disease and both times she has beaten it. her attitude throughout was amazing and incredibly inspirational. she simply found out everything she needed to do and set about to do it. in comparison i find out that i have to sit out a few years of competitive bodybuilding. i completely fall apart and i drown my sorrows in 25lbs of cookies. i ask you, who really is the stronger woman?

today we had the conversation i never thought we would have again. it is time for her to fight again and still her attitude does not change. her approach is the same as before. suddenly it doesn't really matter who gets to turn pro and who doesn't. suddenly it doesn't matter which ontario federation is in the wrong. suddenly it doesn't matter that my shoulder hurts and i can't bench what i could before.

she isn't able to train at all and i know how much she misses it. the first time she got sick, i was still on the rollerblade tour. i painted her initials onto my helmet and i told her that every time i skated, she was skating with me. it probably made me feel better more than it really did anything for her, but maybe, just maybe it put some positive energy in the universe. i don't skate anymore but i do train so from now on every workout i do, she will be right there with me. i hope to send as much positive energy her way as i can.

she is hands down, the strongest person i know.

eureka... and other things

i've been spending a ridiculous amount of time watching the "buffy" series. i started watching joss whedon's "dollhouse" this past television season and after checking out the threads on the TWOP forums, i learned that "buffy" was considered by many to be the better series.

i mention the "buffy" marathon because a recently viewed episode sparked an epiphany. no i am not a slayer, vampire, witch or watcher. however, the jury is stil out on whether or not i am part demon. seriously though, someone questioned buffy's inability to sustain a relationship and it got me thinking about that 'distant' thing.

i think the distance is merely a defence mechanism connected to my trust issues. my primary mission in life being to protect myself from harm. right or wrong it is what i do, and unbeknown to me, it would appear that i do that with everyone.

so after this great insight, the question remains, what do i plan to do with this knowledge? well for now, i take comfort in an understanding of why i am the way i am. you may consider my resistance to change a cop out or a sign of weakness. but by my calculations, had i stood up in front of a room full of strangers, stated my name and my fatal flaw i would have been given a 'step 1' chip. so i figure that i am ahead of the game, (tongue firmly implanted in cheek).

moving on:

there has been a lot of sh!t going on within the ontario division of the bodybuilding governing body. for reasons unknown, there was a political coup and the CBBF has determined it will no longer recognize the OPA. in its stead we have the CBBF-ONT. both ontario federation's are fighting for membership, which has left a lot of confused athletes forced to choose sides. choosing sides would be infinitely easier if we really understood what happened in the first place.

we are uncertain who to believe, who to align ourselves with and what effect that decision might have on our bb aspirations. the sport already has enough problem's without this nonsense. my fear is that even more 'true' athletes will be lost in the shuffle.

a friend and i were discussing my disappointment with the dwindling numbers of professional fbbers who are not a part of the muscle p0rn scene. she suggested that i should lead the charge, rather than looking for the coming of an fbb messiah. that i should be that 'mass with class' bb pro.

i keep trying to tell this woman that i am no shepherd, that i am merely a sheep... and i am comfortable being part of the flock. there are people who are destined for greatness, natural leaders, the kind of people who go out of their way to institute change. i am not one of those people. athletically i have always been more of a 'workhorse' than a 'michael jordan', in whichever sport i was involved. i think i make a pretty decent amateur bber. i have an undeniable urge to compete, to see how far i can go in this sport, however, i do not for a second believe that i possess the genetic package required to make it to the pro IFBB ranks. since i have no interest in sticking needles in my azz, i would need to be pretty fawkin' genetically gifted to be able to stand onstage with the other pro's. i think it might be possible to gain pro status in one of the other bb organizations but it is my opinion that the only true organization is the IFBB.

ladies and gentlemen, i am not neo... and there is a spoon!

as promised a post-modification bike pic. my '93 ex-500 is a sexy beast!!!
















p.s: i almost forgot, i think i mentioned that often my first draft is written with a pen and paper. well this was one of those post's. so there i was leaving the tim horton's, where i had been madly scrawling down my thought's during my lunch break. i was working out the whole trust issue/self-preservation thing. with my thoughts in hand, i make my way to the car,when this dude comes jogging across the parking lot to chat me up and give me his number.

it's like rain on your wedding day, a free ride when you've already paid...

be careful what you ask for - part 2

first of all, i have not lapsed into a rip van winkle-esque coma. but i needed to re-think my "the bads". so i took some extra time to consider what i wanted to say.

i've never been one to participate in the 'us' and 'them' mind sets, with any of the sports i've been participated in the past. i didn't get the bmxers vs. the rollerbladers, or the skateboarders vs. the rollerbladers during my inline skating days. i really don't get the powerlifters vs the bbers or the strong men & women vs the bbers. i don't get any division within the iron sports.

but i currently find myself in full support of the division within fbb. i have mentioned before that there are bbers who are all about the dark side of the sport. bbers who's bodybuilding includes p0rn... mine does not.

lately it seems there are far more challenges facing prepping athletes who aren't about the dark side. while at the same time there seems to be nothing slowing down the progress of the others. which is just great, all the sport really needs is more fbb pro ho's in the professional ranks.

even though i find the dark side to be embarrassing and a blight on the sport, i did tend to turn a blind eye. my errant thinking was that since i wasn't a participant, as long as i lived in a respectful manner, what they did had little effect on me. which i should add is usually the sh!t they always say in their defence. but the reality is, the 'fans' of muscle p0rn errantly assume that ALL fbb's participate in muscle p0rn. secondly, it is even more difficult to be sponsored as an fbb because there isn't a company alive willing to tie its reputation to a muscle p0rn star.

so as my 'mass with class' sister's of iron dwindle in numbers due to health issues, prep issues, monetary issues or a lack of interest in where the sport is heading. the fbb pro ho's seem to be growing in numbers like a cancer.

the shoulder - i continue to have issues with my shoulder. i've been getting treatments by both terri and olivia. some weeks it feels like it's on its way back and other weeks i can barely press marshmallows over head. part of the problem stems from damages incurred during the rollerblading days, (the broken wrist, the separated shoulder and the multitude of rotator cuff tears). add to the the stress injury from some of the more dynamic movements i have added into my training of late, the lateral throws and the heavier push presses, i've ended up with a shoulder that no longer tracks properly and is filled with a lot of scar tissue.

the fatigue - oddly enough continues. i've changed my training from a 6 day a week split down to a 5 day a week, simply because i was too tired to make it through a full training week. i tried changing my off days and even how hard i was pushing myself on the gym floor, but i was still finding i was taking off more days than i was getting in. soldiering through the fatigue, who do nothing more than bring on another stomach episode. so i have learned to recognize the role that the fatigue plays and respect it with the time off my body craves. last week was the first training week i have completed since this madness began. i think i will slowly start ramping things back up and see how i do.

the mood - my mood has been sh!tty of late to say the least. between the stomach, the shoulder and the fatigue i have not exactly been little mary sunshine. but then one of my friends called me on it. she asked what was wrong as she was finding me to be distant and irritable. i guess in my head i was keeping my issues to myself but i have to admit the 'distant' thing really caught me off guard. i asked around and well i was more than a bit shocked to hear things like "well no more distant than usual". but i guess if more than one friend is feeling that, then i guess that makes it true. it doesn't make it any easier to hear, but i guess it makes it true.

i have probably reacted the wrong way to learning of my 'distant' nature. basically i've spent even less time with the friends who find me distant. i figure that while i am dealing with all the other crap, i'm less likely to be fun to be around. case in point, i did recently spend some time with a friend who finds me distant. and although she claimed she would not be affected by my moods suffice it to say, she is not the actress she thought she was, hurt was written all over her face.

yesterday i logged 230 km's on my bike. i went out by myself. not by necessity mind you, i had originally expressed interest in going on a group ride. but when push came to shove, i really didn't trust myself to be anyone. it probably wasn't my smartest decision as i was out on some country roads in the middle of nowhere, but i also didn't lose any friends yesterday so that is a good thing.

be careful what you ask for

i haven't been around. things have been both good and bad.

the good:

the weight loss effort - i've hit my interim goal weight. however, it's still not as tight as i'd like so i am dieting the rest of this month. i hope to come in a few lbs less.

the bike - the mods on the bike are complete and she is looking sweet, to say the least. i promise a pic in the not too distant future.

my work schedule - it has been over a month since i've had a 7-day work week. i am not too surprised to notice that the weight losses increased after i quit working for the gym.

my stomach - i have had fewer attacks and the ones that i have had are far less severe than before.

-going back to bed- more to come later

as the stomach churns

it has now been a week since i stepped down from my position at the gym. stepping down did not automatically bring an end to the gastric complaints. since it took a good 5 months of abuse to get to this point, it is likely going to take a few weeks before things settle back down.

it was a nice change of pace to be able to spend so much time resting this past weekend. and i was amazed how much stuff i was able to actually get done.

c'est tout!!

know when to hold 'em, know when to fold 'em...

and when to run.

my stomach attack started monday at 3:30 pm it continued through the day and into the night. in fact it made kept me up until sometime after midnight. i was still experiencing nausea the following morning.

during my lunch hour on tuesday, i drove over to the gym with my letter of resignation. clearly i can no longer do the 7 day work week. i plan to pass off my clients to other trainers so i won't have to go in at all this weekend.

change is on the horizon

well it is officially back. my trick stomach has been getting back to its old tricks. i regularly have attacks when i am at my design job. the nausea, the horrific cramping, the sweating, feeling faint... i have them or have had them all. i am getting pretty worried at this point. the last time it got bad, it was in 2001 i think, i spent 30 hours in the ER.

after that lovely experience in which i was convinced an alien baby was about to bust clear through my gut, i had a battery of tests performed and of course the results of the tests proved that there was nothing wrong with my digestive system. the best the specialist could come up with was that i had a 'nervous tummy' and had to learn how to manage my stress.

it has been about 5 months of 7 day work weeks, with the odd day off thrown in here and there. it is clear to me that something has to be done... and soon.

i have no intention of re-visiting the ER.

what hurts the most...

i find it odd, to say the least, that participating in physique sports automatically means that you are no longer allowed to be treated with respect and common courtesy.

it would be grossly inappropriate for someone to walk up to a plus-sized woman and proceed to tell her exactly how plus-sized she appeared to be. however, most physique athletes will tell you that they don't get the same courtesy. for whatever reason there is absolutely nothing inappropriate about pointing out how off-season an athlete gets. case in point, i was doing cardio when another member interrupted me to tell me that i had put on weight. like somehow the extra 50 lbs escaped my notice?

a dieting friend was told that her meal looked like dog food. dog food?!!! we have all seen some rather unusual ethnic fare and we know better than to disrespect someone's meal. why is that courtesy not extended to the physique athlete? why is it okay for someone to practically stick their nose in my plate and announce that they couldn't eat that? clearly no one is asking you to and if you'd be so kind as to move your fat head, then i can, because i actually want too.

or how about the people who talk about you in the change rooms? how they would NEVER want to look like THAT. first of all weight training does not make you deaf, we can still hear. i remember being introduced to a potential client at the gym. she was in her mid-50's, i am fairly confident she had never been to the gym before. while looking at me with disgust, she told the consultant that she did not want to end up looking like THAT. before me was a soft buttery physique, with a jiggly belly and with hips wider than her shoulders. now i know that i would never want to look like that, but i do have enough respect for my fellow man to keep my opinion to myself.

dave, who's routine i choreographed, told me about a time when he was training before the show. he was in the final stretch and was quite lean and quite vascular. apparently he had the pleasure of trying to do his set while some idiot was loudly demanding to know what steroids he was taking. isn't that the equivalent of dave asking the guy how many donuts it took to look like that?

not even in the comfort of my own home am i safe. my mother has an issue with how my clothes currently fit my off-season frame. even though i have assured her that i am losing weight, although i am told not fast enough. i am down about 15 lbs likely with another 10 lbs to go before i am happy. either way mother has been giving me the gears and/or poking me in the stomach. fun? not so much.

to 'help' she has been trying to buy me clothes and/or give me her hand-me-downs. she doesn't understand that it's not easy to shop for a muscular physique. it is my body and i often won't know what will or will not fit me. she also refuses to acknowledge that styles that appeal to her are likely not going to appeal to me. to be honest this whole experience just makes me feel self conscious and like utter crap. my father in his quest to be helpful suggested i start shopping at one of the plus-sized stores. ouch.

matters of the heart

so i checked this morning, it has been a good 3 weeks since i have posted. it's kind of amusing that is the reality, as in my head i've thought of many things i've wanted to blog about. i guess the lesson learned here is there is a huge variance between writing a post in your head and actually committing pixel to monitor.

one of the things i've been meaning to cover is the results of my cardiac tests. i believe i mentioned wearing a 24 hour heart rate monitor and the subsequent visit to the cardiac specialist. the good doctor looked at my EKG's and pronounced them identical and further did not think they suggested any sort of heart problem.

of course when he took a look at me and found out that i was a competitive bodybuilder he immediately ordered a cardiac ultrasound. he explained that heavy weight training effects the size of all the muscles in the human body, the heart muscle included. so he wanted to ultrasound my heart to see if it was enlarged from training. he said we would then discuss modifying my training and he wanted to know how i would feel about that. i'm guessing the smile on my face said exactly what i didn't.

the results of the ultrasound said that my left ventricle is 'slightly' enlarged. i really don't know what unit of measurement 'slightly' is, but i digress. the specialist told my doctor to recommend i stop lifting heavy, which she did. i smiled at her too.

if it makes them feel better to think that i am not going heavy, so be it. but here is the thing, from what i've read online it is inconclusive that heavy weight training alone enlarges the heart muscle. i can be enlarged by a multitude of factors including stress. well i think we can all agree that 2008 was a banner stress year for me. as well the articles state for heavy weight training to have any significant effect on the heart muscle the athlete has to be taking performance enhancing drugs.

which of course leads me to an important thought. even if heavy weight training did have significant effects on the size of the heart muscle, as a natural athlete who is in effect limited in muscular growth and strength by genetic predisposition, exactly how big could my heart muscle get anyway?

and while i'm asking questions, how do we know that my left ventricle was enlarged sometime during the last 9 years? how do we know that i wasn't born this way, after all this was my first cardiac ultrasound. sometime next year i will be having another, as i understand it, i will be having them annually from here on out. if they truly want to impress upon me the severity of this 'condition', they will need to tell me next time something a bit more conclusive. i want the report to say the muscle is bigger in some form of unit of measurement or percentage. 'slightly' or 'kinda' just isn't going to cut it.

and finally i leave you with the best part of this whole experience. the results of the 24 hour monitor. my average heart rate was 85 bpm and my resting heart rate was 66 bpm. but the coolest thing was during training my heart rate got up to 150-180 bpm! i'll guess that my 315 lbs squat got the 180 bpm. hmmmm i wonder what heart rate a 340 lbs squat gets??

WHAT??!! that is not sick :-P

a quickie...

hey friends,

just a quick one cuz i am at work.

training has been going better of late. i've been wearing a hat on the gym floor. okay so you are wondering what the hell is the difference a hat makes? well i pull the visor down dangerously low. 'dangerously'? why yes, the visor is almost upon my nose. i can't see much more than the weight in front of me... this of course includes any olympic bars that are protruding from the racks as well.

on the one hand it keeps me from seeing any of the other members and thus keeps me from being distracted by any looks of disgust. similarily it also allows me the ability to brain myself on errant 45lb bars. ahh... the things we do for love.

oh my gawd, look who has her 'funny' back.

well i have completed the first routine and now i am onto the second. i am really proud of how the first routine turned out. it is very fast, very dynamic and unfortunately it kills my shoulders to perform it. i will be going to see terri shortly. but the good news is that dave is happy with it!! now he just has a couple weeks left to learn it. but the time frame is due to his lack of availability not mine!!

looking forward to the second routine as it is in a musical genre more inkeeping with my preferred style. not to say i didn't enjoy the challenge of a posing routine set to metal... even if it did freak me the hell out before i started.

and finally... i giggle as i supply you all with the following url:
http://www.johnabutler.com/?q=node/284

enjoy your day friends!

uggh!!!

i am having a really hard time these days. i find myself struggling with what should be warm up weight. i can't seem to focus. while i am training, if i catch someone staring at me it messes with my head and i start wondering if they are judging me.

i know i have to get over this somehow. i know that i am supposed to ignore it and not let it get in my way, i just don't seem to be able to. i really need to figure out how to get my head outta my azz before i lose anymore valuable training time.

i am NOT liking me very much right now

the road to self discovery...

my reaction to the alleged rumour got me thinking and i think today i hit an epiphany about myself. of course i am not quite sure what to do with the information or even if there is any advantage to trying to do something with it.

everyone i spoke to about the alleged rumour told me the same thing, that i shouldn't let it bother me, that it was either a case of ignorance or jealousy. i don't dispute that is good advice, but i do have trouble with it's execution. why?

well i think i have figured that out. my early memories are filled with a consistent message, reconfirmed by most everyone. i learned that i wasn't much, i wasn't going to amount to much and that i was a fawk up. i now realize those lessons are what kept me seeking out competitive sport. i don't think so much of it was about the athlete within, although there is no doubt there is one, but i think a good portion of it was to finally find a ruler by which i could prove to myself and others that i was worthwhile and that i wasn't a fawk up.

so you may be wondering why my self worth is still in the sh*tter considering i have had some success within rollerblading and bodybuilding. my 'wins' didn't help to re-affirm anything for me. i just think that somehow the self doubt still manages to reign supreme and that i have just convinced myself that my 'wins' were a fluke.

i have a couple of friends who have been trying to convince me that i should just somehow be able to stop the self doubt and should no longer be a victim to the past. i have no idea how i am supposed to do that mind you. i guess until i figure it out i will continue to be the mess i have always been.

likely, i will continue to feel self conscious on the gym floor. i just came from a pretty good shoulder workout, it was only marred by a gym member glaring at me. i don't know his name, but after my first show he asked me a bunch of questions about my competition. his primary interest was if i competed in a tested or untested show and if i was in fact tested. since he spent so much of his workout looking at me with such disgust i can only imagine what he now thinks.

dave and i were supposed to meet today. he has yet to see his routine or start learning it. he has 3 weeks left before his show. this is going to be interesting. i will keep you posted. i am however pretty pleased with some of the ideas i've had for his routine.

where to begin??

when i was posting last february things were decidedly on course. perhaps i posted too soon?

one of the guys who where i am currently on assignment has been sick since the third week of january. i am talking coughing jags and extended nose blowing. this champ came to work every day as sick as he was. lucky for the rest of us... i caught his plague twice. once in february in which i lost a full week of training and again in march where i was out of the gym for 9 days. the woman who sits beside me caught it twice as well. and the woman to my other side i think was only out once.

all that time off slowed my physique recovery project down to a standstill. i estimate i am now about 4 weeks behind where i want to be.

as you probably recall i am a bear when i am kept from the gym too long. suffice it to say that i am fairly confident my family was this close to just grabbing a suitcase and booking for the nearest howard johnson's.

of course i was also surrounded with people who don't understand. i was constantly being told that 'it was only a week', or i was asked 'what did it matter since i wasn't doing a show this year'. it got to the point that it was just easier to remove myself from people than it was to continue to have those conversations that did nothing but upset me further.

there is some good news. i am helping dave get ready for his first show in 6 years. posing and choreography something i have really wanted to get into for some time. of course we all know that i am not the most confident of person in the world. so i am sure that it will not surprise anyone in the slightest to learn that i am just a little terrified. today we worked out what part of the song we are going to go with. now i just have to come up with the 60 seconds posing routine. mommy!!

and once again my friends the rumours about your's truly are circulating. i just found out today from dave that word in the gym is that i have 'crossed over'. this is not the first time i have been accused of using and although i know it won't be the last it still bothers the fawk out of me.

my logical mind knows that i am not supposed to care what other people think of me. my logical mind understands that i am supposed to take it as a back handed compliment. that in their eyes i look either too good, (Hah!!! hello jenny craig), or i am far too strong to possibly be a natural athlete. that is what my logical mind knows. but this is the reality... i am not hard wired that way. i care what people say and think about me. it doesn't matter whether it is said by people i dislike or people with whom i have no respect. i just don't like it. of course i found this out while i was still at the gym and before i trained. i cannot begin to tell you how uncomfortable and self conscious i felt.

still at it

since i last posted things have continued on a more positive vein and i truly am grateful. i am still working regularly although it is currently a bit slow today, which is why i am posting from work.

the physique improvement plan is still on course. i am currently down almost 8lbs. i am moving better, i am experiencing less and less back pain, my clothes are fitting better and of course i have less experiences with breathlessness. i haven't done anything crazy to make these changes. basically i cleaned up my diet, removed the infusion of cake, cookies, pizza, chips, and oh yeah bars. there is no weekly cheat meal. as i started a good 20lbs heavier than i should have been, there is no weekly cheat meal. thus it is clean eating up until i get down to my goal offseason weight.

i should qualify that, i have a target number in my head, once i achieve it i will assess how i look, if i still think its a tad fluffy for my offseason weight i may go down 5 or 10lbs further.

so beyond the clean diet, which so far includes only eyeballing food. i am diligently doing cardio, something which i allowed myself to slack on previously. nothing crazy, first of all the back wouldn't allow it. i started off walking on the treadmill for 20 mins, at the 8 minute mark i would be almost paralyzed by back pain. currently my cardio is still 20 mins post workout but it currently includes a 5 minute warm up and cool down, with a ten minute interval program in between. i am happy to report that my back doesn't seem to get tight up until about the 18 minute mark.

that is it, keeping it simple. making small and minute changes as required to keep me on track.

hope all is well with one and all

still aboard the injury train

well we have finally hit february and groundhogs the world over have predicted 6 more weeks of winter.

i am still in a pretty positive place even though i am currently rotating injuries. i somehow managed to injure myself getting into my truck and i had to spend a few days training around the hip flexor. that first day it was so painful i was having trouble walking. it seems to have gotten better on it's own. i am very thankful.

i finally went into see terri about the shoulder today. some of the treatment was so painful i honestly thought i might throw up. i am happy to report i didn't and as per usual terri made it all better. my right shoulder was more forward than it should be, and higher than it should be and my first rib had relocated itself as well.

and on sunday i went and checked out the new local skatepark.

gettin' better all the time?

well i have been working steadily for the past two weeks, so maybe things are finally starting to turn around. i'm no longer in that dark place i got to a few weeks ago. dare i say, i am even starting to feel somewhat optimistic.

the back still hurts but i've started to be nutritionally responsible and the scale is moving to the left and the tape measure journey around my middle has already been shortened by 1.5". i expect that the back pain will well and truly be gone with the loss of another good ten lbs.

i am still amazed by the quality of friends that i now have in my life. i don't know what exactly it is that i have done to get them but i sure as hell and glad they are there. they do more for me than i would ever expect anyone would want to do for me and i only hope they know how much i appreciate them being there.

we are about 6 weeks away from the arnold classic. this will be my first missed year since i started going in 2005. i may miss it this year but i am dayum sure i will be there next year. i expect that by this time next year i will be well and truly in control of my finances.

training is still going well in the gym thankfully. but this dayum shoulder of mine is still messed. i took a good two weeks off from training it directly and it was still sore that first week back. today is shoulder day and i woke up to all kinds of shoulder pain. currently i still intend to go in and try to do something. i might as well head in and give it a shot. the last two workouts i've had have been good ones but i have been skimping on the cardio. so worse case scenario i should at the very least hit the full shot of cardio if the training doesn't go as well as it could. providing of course, there is no temper tantrums.

enjoy your day!!!

january 10

i filmed the following on january 10 at my local gym. it was one of the best training days i've turned in, in quite some time.

enjoy!

lightening things up around here

you know it has been way too dark, depressing and serious in here for far too long. so to that end i submit a little levity.

it would seem that my father has purchased a new brand of instant coffee for the families dining 'pleasure'. you will never guess... walmart brand instant coffee. take your time, wrap your head around the smooth, delicate, yet rich columbus blend. i am convinced these are the beans juan valdez pee'd on.

clearly ross geller understands the horror!!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Tr0LmCTSdI0

p.f.u

one 591 mL bottle of coke zero plus a 1/3 of another add several fingers of antiguan rum... it's 12:15 am and i am pretty fawked up!!!

i used to be such a control freak... i used to be alot of things... now i'm just sitting in my bedroom heavy early in the a.m... pretty fawkin close to drunk off my azz watchin' episodes of dawson's creek on youtube.

happy new year

i hope you have all had a safe, happy and healthy new year. i wish nothing but the best for all of my friends in the coming year!!!

i've spent the better part of three weeks at home and frankly i am all over the panic button. tomorrow i will go and register with some temp agencies and see if there are other things i can do. i don't have clerical experience so likely i'll be hauling boxes in a warehouse. something that i know my back can't take right now.

i have been fighting demons for weeks and although it should be getting easier it's not. the itch remains, last night all i had to do was stay a little longer at the gym and a friend would have hooked me up. instead i came home and stayed up late drinking coke zero spiked with rum. a glass of which is currently 8 inches from my left hand.

so what's changed since the last post?. what has me adding fingers of rum to glasses of coke zero? is it just my frustration at the situation i put myself in? is it because i am scared that i will not be able to find my way out of this mess? or is it the fear that i seem to no longer be able to make anything but bad decisions?

i had an interesting new year's text exchange with a skate park friend. i wished him all the best and hoped that all his dreams would come true in 2009. apparently, as far as he is concerned every day he is living his dreams. he is living his dreams and i am still waiting for my life to begin. ain't life a b!tch?

i heard from my ex-coach. he lost his mother on new years day and he wanted to get me the information for her service. i do feel guilty about not going, but there is no reason to think that being around him is safe at this time. one of his old clients told me she is hesitant to attend as well, and will only attend if i do.

i am back on a regular training schedule. the shoulder injury remains and for the next little while i am avoiding direct delt training. shoulders is one of the areas that i need to focus on to help balance my physique, so the decision to not train them for a while is scary to say the least.

i am still trying to track down some information about employment opportunities in montreal. first and foremost i need an agency contact through which to seek work in my field. but mostly i need to find out about any possible language requirements. i can swear quite nicely in montreal's local version of french, but that skill set doesn't look good on a resume. my friend works in animation and when he moved there he didn't speak a word of french but he took classes and has since learned. the other 4 ontarians who went to montreal with him did not end up learning the language, so i guess in some fields bilingualism is not necessary??

well my friends alice is ducking back down the rabbit hole... until next time!!

waving goodbye to 2008

in retrospect 2008 has not really been my year. i eagerly await the start of 2009. i can only hope that 2009 proves to be everything that 2008 was not.

i am still finding it difficult to remain positive and upbeat. i am still likely spending far too much time alone. i have also worked things out with the person i angered earlier... although we have yet to sit down and talk. i should add not for their lack of trying, but as i said earlier i'm not always feeling too social.

i have been thinking a lot about going away. moving away to be precise. i guess it sounds like running away but i am not really thinking of it like that. i have been wondering if, in some way, my time here has run its course. maybe if i was somewhere else i would finally be able to figure out the things that plague me. who the fawk am i? and what the hell am i supposed to be doing with my life?

an old friend is in town, one i know from my rollerblading days. he and i spent some time talking, and he has been trying to convince me to move to montreal. it has been his experience that montreal is more of a forgiving province than ontario. that more is accepted and there are less expectations. he says that montreal is the perfect place for square pegs to peacefully co-exist.

i have two really good friends who live there and from what france said when she was here visiting a few weeks back, i am still remembered favourably by some of the other skaters who still live there. the bodybuilding scene in quebec is also at a different level than where i live. bodybuilding is far more serious in quebec and some of our western provinces. maybe in quebec i could find a training partner i could actually keep.

i haven't exactly started to box up my belongings, but i really have been wondering about it. even my mother mentioned today that i should consider moving there.

in other news i trained with a friend yesterday and i managed to get a set a new deadlift personal record. i got 315 lbs off of the floor for 2 reps. of course she thinks i can pull even more than that. i think she said something nutty like 340 lbs for one rep.

i was pretty beat up after that workout so i took some of my christmas cash and i went and saw teri my sport's physiotherapist. she managed to re-align the vertabrae in my neck as well as my shoulder blades, ribs and hips. i left her office with a mobility i haven't felt in quite some time. i was supposed to train today but i don't think i can make it after all. i slept for almost 3 hours after my appointment, i have been up for almost 2 hours and my brain is still foggy and my movements slow. its already 9:00 pm and if i am not awake enough to train by now, even after a cup of coffee, (and yes, i know how you feel about me drinking coffee this late), then maybe i just need another night off?

December 25th.

today there are no cute titles, we merely have today's date. i'm neither feeling particularly merry or happy but then i really can't remember the last time December 25th envoked that kind of response.

after my 5 week layoff, i worked concurrently for exactly 5 days before work dried up again. i found myself back at home watching copious episodes of CSI:NY and CSI. i've also recently found Dexter on TMN on-demand and i have already watched all 12 episodes of season 3.

last tuesday was a particularly strange day for me. i was haunted, i was incredibly agitated and i didn't know what to do with myself. it was as though there was a dark cloud overhead and i felt like i could easily let it consume me. the problem stems from the state of my finances, my inability to secure regular employment and of course the biggie... i haven't trained in days.

i can't remember the last time i was in to see either the massage therapist or the sport's physiotherapist. i don't remember but clearly my body does. i hurt almost everywhere. my neck, my collar bone, my shoulders, my lower back, my knees, my wrists and, sometimes it gets so bad it affects my ability to sleep. i have been taking time off but so far all that it seems to have achieved is missed training days.

i also recently found out that i had hurt a friend. seems i made another one of my poor decisions. although my intentions were not hurtful, that was the end result. i realize in hindsight what i have done. i acknowledged my mistake and i did apologize for my poor judgment. unfortunately this person now feels that they will need to be guarded around me and i can honestly say that is no way for anyone to live.

i would not want to have to remain on my guard around someone who was supposed to be a friend. i am not a perfect person. i have faults, many of them, if you have the time and interest i will sit you down and list them all for you. i will own my sh!t when i fawk up. the thing is, i don't always make the best decisions... usually in the spirit of lightheartedness or humour i will say or do something that hurts or offends. to say i get carried away sometimes is a poor excuse for bad behaviour but i will reiterate i do not do these things maliciously.

anyway here it is December 25th and my family is getting ready to head to my brother's place for dinner. as usual i am not attending. since i am in such a 'black' place emotionally i really don't trust myself to behave appropriately. i have a history of letting family take advantage of me verbally, and i never defend myself... much to the chagrin of a few of my friends. well in the place i am now, i don't doubt that i'd defend myself... what i can't guarantee is that i would do it in a manner that is either appropriate or adult. in my head i see me letting of a diatribe that includes every cuss word and variation thereof that i know. since telling family members to fawk off is not the true spirit of Christmas, my azz is staying home.

enjoy the holidays people and remember to play safe. i can't afford to lose anymore friends ;-)

its beginning to look a lot like...

there are a lot of things to catch you up on. i guess the first is the results of my cardiac stress test. well, there wasn't one. i don't mean there wasn't a result but specifically i mean there wasn't a test. i went in for the initial consult, the cardiac specialist took a look at the two EKG's and prenounced them identical.

athletic individuals commonly have different 'normal' results than less athletic individuals. so the .27 of a microsecond delay in my heart rhythm is actually quite normal and is not indicative of any sort of underlying trauma or episode.

however, the specialist is concerned about how 'heavy' i train. those who train with heavy weights sometimes thicken the walls of the heart. tomorrow he is performing an ultrasound to assess damage. here is the best part, he told me why he was ordering the test and what it was supposed to assess. then he said that he didn't know how i felt about scaling back. i'm sure none of you would be suprised to know that comment earned the good doctor a 'look'. he then suggested we would talk about it later. he is clearly smokin' reefer!!!

in happier news, i recently had a friend from montreal down to spend the weekend. her and i had not seen each other in 6 years. what i still can't get over is how inconsequential a time period like 6 years can be between two friends whereas two others are unable to survive 6 months. nonetheless france and i had a blast. we laughed, we joked, we reminisced about the old days and old friends. but more importantly i think we forged a newer, stronger friendship. neither of us are actively skating anymore but with indoor skate parks popping up in both toronto and montreal, we realize just how much we still miss it.

i am finally back at work after spending 5 weeks at home watching ellen and csi ny. the slow down was only expected to be for a week but the end client insisted on a complete redesign of the line. i found out today that we are now 700 sku's behind schedule. hopefully this will bode well financially. what i do not look forward to is another 9 week gap in pay.

during my lay off my mother managed to back her car into mine. now my front bumper is folded up about as nicely as the back bumper. my mother was obviously visibly distressed and for the life of her could not understand why i could not stop laughing. i mean come on... it is a little funny.

the next step

well they have booked me in for the cardiac stress test. it happened the day after i returned the 24 hour monitor, but i am fairly certain the two events are unconnected. my doctor did say that she was probably going to order the stress test regardless of what the 24 hour monitor showed.

anyway i had another pretty good workout today. it could have been because i waited until i could walk, before i trained again. or it could be because i know that i will get paid tomorrow. or it is because i am well rested. sadly, work was not busy this week so i've spent the week at home. i guess that explains all the blog activity. :-D

i was doing an exercise today called a rack deadlift. basically the sign of a good deadlift is scarred shins. my sport its kind of nutty, we embrace our bruises, scars, scrapes and calluses. as i said it was a banner workout today, check out how my shin looked post workout. the really cool part is that i was wearing pants, in fact in one of the shots you can see part of the material.

i'm such a bad azz :-D

been caught thinkin'

first of all my apologies to jane's addiction for the creative liberties with their song title.

i have been doing some thinking and one thing that i can't quite forget, something that i appreciate far more than i have probably said out loud or here on this forum is how much i appreciate my friends.

it has been one of the darker periods of my life, and i am by no means trying to challenge the universe into upping the ante. but my point is that as dark as it has been for me, i've had some amazing support, encouragement and help from my friends.

i know that i have spent far more time feeling sorry for myself than i should. and i truly hope that all my friends realize how i could not have gotten through these past months without them. i may not accept your offers of financial assistance, but it does blow me away that you would even make them.

i don't deserve any of you... you all rock!!!

my doctor compared my 2008 EKG with my 2005 result and she wasn't happy. it is not life threatening but my heart beat has a different rhythm now. it is still within the realm of 'normal'. so to satisfy her curiosity about this anomaly she had me wear a monitor for 24 hours.

i guess she was worried i'd fall apart when she discussed it with me. but in light of the year i've been having. i'd have to say i took it very well. at one point she explained that she also planned to have me 'stress tested'. apparently, they slap back on the electrodes and get you running... RUNNING, no less on a treadmill. yikes!! she assured me that a cardiologist would be 'standing by'. she was not prepared for me to start giggling and ask 'exactly HOW much cardio are we talking about here?'. you see my friends, i'm up around 180 lbs right now. i am fairly certain that any running at this body weight will result with yours truly being on the business end of some paddles, whilst the air is filled with the battle cry 'CLEAR!!!'.

i was instructed to wear the monitor for 24 hours and carry about my normal activities. i was told to train if i was supposed to train. well here is where i got a little nutty. i thought back to the two EKG reports she showed me with all the peaks and valleys, and i started to wonder what a report might look like that had a 300 lbs squat in it. ;P so monday became leg day and i threw the bar on my back and had a little fun. i haven't been up over 305 lbs since i was pre-contest, so i started off conservatively. 10/205, 8/255, 8/275, 8/295 well at this point i knew i was good to go so i slapped on that third wheel, called my buddy rob to come up for a spot and dug in and got 4/315. i made sure to look up at the clock before both the 295 lb set and the 315 lb set. i am now anxiously awaiting my results.

oh and i took a picture of me in the change room post workout. you can see an electrode and some of the monitor unit sticking out of my shirt.

status quo??

i guess i've let a month lapse since my last posting and i really should update this thing. part of the reason why i am hesitant to post is that i am tired of continually posting bad news. as well i was also well and truly tired of dealing with it all.

i guess that would suggest that things are better now. i guess in some respects they are and in others... well it's not exactly status quo, so i guess that is an improvment after all??

i have been working 7 day work weeks for the past month. some days i am so tired that i can barely see straight. i'm currently working on a freelance project where i routinely put in, in excess of 40 hours per week. i will get paid hourly, when i do get paid. so all the hours amassed will go far towards getting me back on track, but first i have to get paid!

my weekend clients have yet to fully understand the gravity of my situation. there are frequent 'no shows' and last minute cancellations. once upon a time i was 'nice' and i allowed my clients to cancel with out charge, the morning of the appointment. that is likely the reason why i ended up in the boat that i am in. the gym had a 24-hour policy there to protect me and i was stupid enough not to take advantage of it. since i am desperately counting on the weekend income, to help keep me from living completly off my retired parents, i am no longer 'nice'.

finally, and i do mean finally, i have never heard of quite so many false starts and set backs as i faced while trying to get a debt consolidation loan. but finally the loan came through and the biggest and baddest of all my debts have been addressed. unfortunately the terms of the loan looked greater than what i could afford and i feared i had stepped from the frying pan into the fire. it's designed to take 5 years to pay off and i am not retired from competition until 2013. i'm sorry, this may be the wrong attitude but 5 years off, sounds like it's over to me. anyway, i was so upset by the loan details that i promptly backed my truck into a light post and damaged the rear bumper. damage i might add, that i am in no position to repair.

my body weight shot to an all-time high. i wasn't suprised by it, i mean i have been going through my own version of hell and i have been continually drownding my sorrows in tim horton's cookies. in the last week since things have been a bit more stable, i've stayed away from the cookie tray and my weight dropped several pounds.

it's funny, i can handle the body weight. i don't like what i see on the scale, but i can deal. i can deal with the frequent back pain that i face when i'm up this high. again i don't enjoy it. i can tolerate the rolls around my mid section and my ever expanding azz. i don't love it, but it doesn't upset me. what upsets me is what happens to my chest when i am carrying too much body fat. this lactating look has got to go. i cannot stand it when my girls call unneccessary attention to themselves. i am so much happier when i am weeks out from a show and the fawkin' things are basically deflated.

and in the words of the crew at merry melodies... tha-tha-that's all folks!!

BA miche

to get the title of this post you would have had to have paid attention to the a-team and you would also have to know the name of the character that Mr T played.

since i've been back working freelance computer graphics my family and friends have expected that i would be pretty excited by it all. fact is i am not. i am supposed to be relieved that my money worries will be behind me. of course i probably need to start getting paid. what i can't stop thinking about is the future. the days ahead of me where i will continue to get up and go to a job that does not excite or interest me.

basically i am still feeling sorry for myself. the thing is, i have taken the steps to right this mistake. i've started the debt consolidation process, well the paperwork has been done and approved. i am still waiting however for the funds to come through. i've completed my first two weeks of my contract, i can expect my first paycheque in another 6 weeks or so. i will get my last week of 'full-time' pay from personal training on friday. i'm hoping it will be substantially more than my car payment but i fear it might not be. which means i'm back to borrowing even more money from the bank of mom.

no one knows how long this contract position is going to last. but i go to work everyday and i do the best job i can. and when i'm away from work i really don't have anything to say about it. the work isn't difficult and for right now there is alot of it. now if someone insists on me telling them how i feel about my situation well i wish they wouldn't tell me how i am supposed to think. i wish they wouldn't tell me how i should feel.

i have noticed that i have been changing though. i remember how i used to be, back before i started skating. back then i focused on buying toys, i figured it was the only way to find some joy in my job. i adopted the 'chick who dies with the most toys wins' mentality. but then i found skating and i focused on making enough money to travel for skating. from then on i was drawn to adrenalin sports and far more interested in activities with higher risk potential.

so where am i now??? well i am thinking about taking up dirt bike riding next season and i hope to get out on my snowboard this season. of course one would wonder why i would want to do these things. i will be honest, i am really afraid that my retirement isn't temporary. and that i am going to be spending a really long time getting up everyday to sit in front of a computer. right now i think gaps, trails and halfpipes are the only things i've got going.

anyway i've got another 6 weeks of 7 day work weeks to face.

i can do this... one day at a time.

stop my life... i want to get off!!!!

for most of this year i've had the most interesting run of luck ever. there have been a couple of time's of late where i was sure my luck was about to change/due to change/had to change... but i am forced to admit that my streak continues.

mind you sunday past all of my troubles were almost behind me. i was out on the bike trying to log in the last couple hundred km's before the end of the season. i thought i could smell burning rubber but for the life of me, interesting choice of phrase, i could not find the problem.

eventually i stopped for gas, after a ride that included speeds marginally in excess of the posted highway guidlines. there i discovered a fender bolt had come loose and had been carving a channel into the sidewall of my front tire. as i understand it, front tire blowouts at high speed are not much fun.

today i was working late. i am back freelancing in computer graphics... gawd knows i'm fawkin' unable to make a living doing anything i actually fawkin' like.

anyway after work i headed over to the gym to train. of course i have forgotten to pack any pants to train in. so i jump back on the highway for the quick 10 min trip home. of course the highway is a mess and i'm stuck in bumper to bumper traffic.

i change into the workout pants and head back to the gym. my first working set of squats... hell it was my first rep... i feel the pants split.

i quickly rack the weight and head to the locker room to assess the damage... of course it's bad. i was about to head back home to change yet again when i realized that i would never get to bed, if i didn't get my workout done. so instead i decided to train anyway. i figured if i went heavy enough people would be too busy watching the bar to bother to check to see if my azz was hanging out. but in the interest of modesty, of which i do have in abundance, i draped my spare t-shirt from my waist band.

did the pants tear any further? of course they did.

i am seriously at my wit's end with this turn of luck

dammit can't a kid get a fawkin' break?

miche pity party of one... your table's ready

*sigh

and the rain continues to fall

you know i really had hoped that my next post would have been more upbeat, more light hearted and a hell of a lot more positive. it's been a while since i last posted an update and i am still pretty much down in the dumps.

on the work front i have applied to a few online postings and a call to the freelance agency yielded an interview that i am currently waiting to hear the final decidsion on a full-time position.

things are getting more uncomfortable at the gym. management is pressuring me to post more training hours. what i think they fail to understand is that i would gladly do more appointments per week. the problem remains that my clients have lives and have been cancelling or postponing their training because of it. thus i have gone from one of the 'heroes' to one of the 'zeroes' and in light of my financial situation it's just not a good place to be. when your a zero you don't get the new clients and you don't get the one's with potential either.

there also isn't much going on with my social life either. partially because i am so upset about everything that currently isn't going well in my life as well with everything in somewhat of a mess, i am not really motivated to be actively pursuing anything. suffice it to say that mr 'your schedule is too regimented', has finally figured out that anything between us was destined not to work. we haven't communicated with each other in quite some time. and the guy i do like, well he is so busy with his new job that he is unable to commit to anything either.

my training is going well with the body parts that i enjoy, however delt work, calf training and deadlifts continue to be a bane to my existance. it is funny i have been telling my friends for years about the limitations to my lifts. i have weaknesses where i should have strengths and vice versa. well one of my friends really couldn't understand how i could be strong in pressing motions for example, and doing lateral raises with practically the pink dumbells. we went to the gym the other day and i trained with her. she couldn't see anything wrong with my technique but there is definately something amiss. my best guess is that it has to do with the years of shoulder abuse from rollerblading crashes. i seperated my shoulder and tore both rotator cuffs a gazillion times.

my last paycheque was so meager that i actually had to go to the bank of mom to see if i could borrow enough cash to make it to the next cheque.

as well i am waiting to hear if my loan request has been granted for debt consolidation.

suffice it to say i haven't been handling all of this waiting very well. if you have stock options you may want to pick up a few thousand shares in tim horton's. while i have been down in the dumps i have been trying to drowned my sorrow's in cookies. what do you want from me... i don't drink.

country bugs know how to die and other stories

i'm home and it's late, or it's early, depending on how you look at it.

what am i doing up at this ungodly hour? what happened to my self imposed curfew? well there has been a lot of changes of late and to be honest, i am definately not handling them well. without a doubt the dream is over, the question remains for how long, my financial situation has NOT improved. and they are not going to improve unless i take action. even though i am working more training hours, than i ever did at the club i used to work at, it's not enough to keep up with all that i owe. the only chance i have for debt recovery is to returni to the world of graphic design. the problem is i hate graphic design. thus, there will be no return trip to the canadian nationals in 2009. to be honest i can't begin to imagine when i will be able to afford to compete ever again.

training has been going well. i have been trying some new things in the hopes of promoting growth. new exercises, different training protocols, different ranges of motion and increased lift speeds. i'm not sure how i feel about some of the changes. it's just so different from what i've done before... i often wonder if i have actually accomplished anything or if i just wasted my time.

you may be wondering where things stand with the 'lad' i went out with a few weeks back. it's not... next! okay let me explain. we have spent enough time talking for me to realize that he doesn't understand my lifestyle and i honestly don't get the feeling he respects it. now most of it is delivered under the guise of being a joke but since the joke is consistant i can't help find it rather telling. he has asked me if i didn't think that my lifestyle was 'too regimented'... i like him, not romantically, but i do think that he and i could be friends.

i have also made a couple of steps toward trying to start something with a guy i DO like. this guy lifts and he is serious about his training. he gets it, he isn't trying to 'tone' or get ab's. he told me that he admires what we do, that he himself could never be that diligent but he totally respects those of us who can. i've been sending him messages on facebook and in our last exchange i basically asked him out. nothing too crazy, a cup of coffee. let's see if he bites.

went out for a long ride today with the hamilton bikers. i was supposed to be taught how to ride the twisties but that didn't happen. what did happen was we rode the ramps and got into the twisties. with so many riders in our group, and with all of them with way more experience than i, i am often like i was holding up the group. frankly, it made me self conscious and my riding continued to fall.

those country bugs sure know how to make a mess of your visor. your riding along enjoying the piece and serenity when all of a sudden you see a projectile headed straight for your face. at the last second you hear a nasty thud-like popping sound and your helmet is covered in 'bug juice'. and in some really unfortunate cases you can still see the carcass hanging there. you don't notice you've hit city bugs until you take your helmet off at the end of the day. but a country bug hits your helmet like a 10lb bag of wet cement hits the ground!!

i have to bench tomorrow. i really better get to bed.

a whole lotta thinkin' goin' on...

and so while i try to figure things out... i live you with this. now i've never tried to add live video so here's hoping the first time is the charm (ETA it took two tries).


oh and that thing with the pseudo-date... ya that's not going to go anywhere. suffice it to say that dude got my spider-sense tingling.

it's like a free ride when you've already paid...

yes isn't it ironic... don't you think?

my last blog i complained about the reaction of my family and friends to my lack of social life and as i sit here typing this blog i struggle to determine if i actually just had a date. is there a checklist on the internet somewhere that i could look up. was it a date? or was it just hanging out? i really have no idea.

i have never been one who was able to determine when someone liked me. it stems from all of my 'ugly duckling' formative years, back when i was a source of amusement and ridicule. i guess eventually i stopped being a 'duck' but my mind is firmly set in the past so i think that's why i really have no clue anyone has any interest in me. there have been more than a few occasions where i figured it out only because there was a second tongue in my mouth.

enough about that... i leave you with some light hearted fare:

my eldest brother has recently been having sport with me. i've been getting of late 'theme' gifts. t-shirts that have mostly been poking fun at qualities i can only assume my family thinks i have. the latest a t-shirt that was purchased soley because it had the word rebel emblazoned on the front in blue embroidery. there was quite a lot going on, on that t-shirt between the embroidery, the 4 painted skulls and the splatters of gold paint.

anyway it was his birthday this past weekend and turn about they say is fair play. i had a t-shirt made that had the image of a female bodybuilder and the caption 'my sister is bigger than your sister'. my brother pronounced the shirt too 'out-there' for him to wear anywhere other than around the house. much like the last three gifts he purchased for me that i currently only sleep in!

and this from people who LIKE me

sometimes when i blog i feel so strongly about what i want to say that it practically writes itself. i sit down at my computer with only a vague idea and a phrase or two. and other times, much like this post, i struggle offline to work out my thoughts.

so here i sit with pen and pad in hand trying desperatly to work out the thoughts in my head.

the great mysteries of miche why doesn't she date? why isn't she involved with anyone? i have no explanation for the why's i can only tell you what i know. i am neither dating or involved simply because no one is asking, no one is interested.

i spend the balance of my time in the gym, training clients or working out. since a healthy lifestyle is important to me you would figure i'd have an easier time of finding someone who shares my enthusiasm for physical fitness. that is so far not my reality.

but i am lucky, i have people in my life who say the sweetest things to me, to make me feel so special.

"if everybody is able to find someone and you can't then it's obvious that there is something wrong with you. i'm not saying this to be mean. i'm your mother and i only want you to be happy." ouch!

"don't you think if you changed a few things; like if you changed your hair, wore a bit of make up, changed your style of dress, acted a bit more girly and stopped being so shy, then maybe you'd meet someone?" i am still waiting to find out if i can keep my name or if i should change that too.

"could it may be something that you are putting out into the universe? i mean think about it. there has to be something that you are doing that is attracting those types of men to you?" apparently i have some sort of 'bat signal' that can only be heard by dudes in committed relationships who like to have a chick on the side.

and then there is my personal favourite:

"if i was a dude... i'd ask you out." umm... thanks???

anyway the constant theme as far as i can tell is that there is something wrong with me. that somehow as i am, i'm not quite good enough. you couple that with the reinforcments by some of my less than stellar relationship experiences and it's really no wonder that i am the way i am.

i spent a couple of hours yesterday telling a friend the details of my pathethic dating life. as i drove home later that evening, with history replaying itself in my mind, i came to a bit of a revelation.

i thnk it's all tied into that which makes me the competitive beast that i am. what you talkin' 'bout willis? i wan unpopular in school my entire academic career. i was picked on for my runt-like existance; i was younger, shorter, fat, black, in braces, in glasses and with nary a secondary female characteristic to be had. even at home my parents were frustrated by my grades and wanted to know why i couldn't be more like my brother. the message clearly was, your not good enough!

when i was unable to interest guys that i was attracted to, the message was 'you not good enough'. when i found out that once again i was the 'other woman' the message was, your not good enough!

i've gravitated towards some form of competitive sport all my life and my passion for each sport has been somewhat all consuming. it occurs to me now that i am using all these athletic arenas to measure myself againg other women, to prove that yes... yes i am good enough!

i once had a coach who told me that bodybuilders were without a doubt the most fawked up individuals ever. that there generally was some underlying issue that they were trying to cover or make up for. looks like i've finally found mine.

suprise!!!!

as you can probably imagine, i had a lot of time on my hands while i was in winnipeg. i used that time leading into the show to do a lot of thinking about everything that had transpired during the prep.

there was design that i had found on the internet a few years back. i was pretty sure that i wanted it as my next piece but i never took it beyond the thinking phase. while i was in winnipeg i couldn't help but think that piece would have been the perfect way to celebrate my trip to the national stage.

so about a month after the show i had this added to my right leg. a companion piece to the wolf paw and tribal on my shoulder blade.

enjoy if you like art. if you don't i guess you can sigh and shake your head like my parents LOL.

if at first you don't succeed...

so as i said in my last blog, i fully intend to be at the natural canadians again next year.

the show date has been moved forward next year to march 21, 2009. which means that the diet starts november 1, 2008. i will be dieting through the holidays yet again. dieting through the holidays doesn't upset me, what does upset me is the date of the show. it means that for the first time since 2005 i cannot attend the arnold classic. the show date and the classic are just two weeks apart. it doesn't make sense to train hard, diet hard and then throw it all away at the two week out mark.

as i said before i wasn't happy with the way things turned out for me in 2008. i needed to figure out how to ensure that history did not repeat itself in 2009. there really is no other option than to completely change my prep team from years past. i now have someone new who will help dial me in. i'm not sure i am allowed to identify my new coach but i will be following a diet very similar to the style that i've used in the past.

we have already started ramping my caloric intake up from the pre-show deficit. the goal is to keep my weight as close to 155 lbs, 15 lbs out from show weight. while trying to get up to about 2500 calories per day.

it has been working pretty well thus far. we started at about 1700 calories and steadily added in 100 calories per week. once a week i am allowed a cheat meal, suffice it to say i've been having quite a lot of fun with that. i'm up to about 2200 calories per day and the weight has been for the most part doing what we hoped.